


Same But Different

by Laska



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad shit don't read it, Clexa fight, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Falling In Love, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Jealously, Power Dynamics, See chaps for warnings, Self-Harm, Sex, Slow Burn, True Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-05-25 19:34:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 91,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6207724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laska/pseuds/Laska
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU in which Clark Griffin and Lexa Woods are forced to work together as co-stars in a popular tv drama series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's a Small World Afterall

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.  
> Whatever :)

I'm sure someone else has already done this - and better. But I'm trying to work through some grief here. Thanks for checking it out. I hope to update this at least every week if everyone is into that.

* * *

 

* * *

 

Lexa

She was so excited. Ever since arriving in America a little over a year ago, she'd been going on auditions non-stop. Suddenly being so busy meant she had less time to think about the reason she came to America so quickly in the first place.

She had to be strong - she had to think about her future despite the great pain she carried daily. And for the most part, she was being successful at it. She had put her nose to the grindstone and now she was being given the opportunity to audition for a new teen post-apocalyptic drama franchise called The 55.

She auditioned for the lead role of Elyza, a headstrong young woman who was raised on a space station after the nuclear destruction of earth and who finds herself one of 55 other delinquents who were sent down in a ship to see if the earth was inhabitable again. It takes place 96 years in the future and she would play, essentially the leader of the 55.

It was a dream role and they seemed to want her, as they called her back for second and third casting calls. But in the time it took for them to make a decision, she could not accept the part due to scheduling difficulties. She had been fortunate enough to land a job in the meantime as a series regular in _another_ prime time sci-fi drama. She just couldn't to be in two places at once, no matter how much she wanted to be.

She was thrilled to get a call many months later from the show runner of The 55, a somewhat odd looking fellow called Collin O'Scopy. He extended her a guest role in season two of the show. She would play the role of Alicia - a strong young woman who found herself the leader of 12 nations at the tender age of 19. He offered her the part on the telephone and she accepted eagerly, excited to be able to join the cast and crew and film on location. She soon packed her bags and left sunny California for the cold, harsh winter of Canada with a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

* * *

Upon landing, she was met by a car service hired to take her to the hotel. Tomorrow morning she would be on set and get to meet all the rest of the cast and crew. She was too tired to go out and get food, so she took a bath and ordered room service. While she waited for her food to arrive, (avocado and egg on toast with a cranberry juice), she went through the IMDb app on her phone and familiarized herself with the names and faces of the other actors on the show.

While she had binged on season one as soon as she'd accepted last week, she wasn't anywhere near familiar enough with the cast's names and parts. She had not met any of them personally, save for one. She was someone Lexa had been casually running into for years, although they were decidedly not friends. Her name was Clarke Griffin and she was a few years older than Lexa. She was blonde and very attractive. She was also ebullient, strong willed and intense. She played the role of Elyza and played it well.

Back in Australia, Lexa had seen her on more than a few auditions during her teenage years and always felt herself grow somewhat nervous when the girl was around. The blonde's energy seemed to mesmerize everyone in the entire room, making them feel like the only other person in the universe when she focused her pretty blue eyes on them. Lexa didn't know her well enough to dislike her, but she personally felt it was best to keep mostly to yourself and be more discerning about who you talked or joked with. Especially being new in this business  

Unlike Lexa, who often held back at first. Clarke Griffin was an open, sweet, funny and easy going girl who liked to goof around and laugh with anyone and everyone. Lexa liked to do that stuff too, just that she was much more discriminating when it came to who she let her guard down with.

 _She was certainly charming_. When a Google search had turned up Clarke's vines, she couldn't help but giggle. She was pretty cute and she could sing, apparently too. Lexa clicked from link to link. From IMDb to google to Vine to YouTube - this girl was everywhere and now she would be working closely beside Lexa as the show's protagonist, Elyza. A role Lexa had turned down a little over a 18 months earlier.

Watching a vine where Clarke refused to share a hiking trail with others made her laugh out loud. The girl was very attractive and quite amusing. Lexa sighed and shook her head. Just what she didn't need; another wild and beautiful blonde in her life. _No thank you_.

She would be professional and nothing else with Clarke.

A knock on the door signaled her dinner. Instead, she opened the door to see a lanky guy about 20 with a binder in his hands - extending it out to her. "The script," he said with a smile.

* * *

Four hours later, Lexa had finished dinner, ordered a slice of chocolate cake, drank four cups of tea and read the entire script for the first three episodes in which she would guest star. She was excited. The role of Alicia, the Commander of the 12 clans or _Heda_ , was meaty and complex. She would really get to flex her skills in this role. And she would also have to learn to say lines in a made up language. _Cool_.

When she first began reading, she got the sense that there might be something more than friendship happening between her character and the character of Elyza, played by Clarke Griffin. When she got to the third episode, her suspicious became stronger when it was revealed that the Heda had had a female lover in the past whom she had lost. It didn't come right out and say the character was a lesbian, but it was certainly very clear from the dialogue.

She blocked out the parallel and closed the binder with a thud. After brushing her teeth, she climbed into the soft, fluffy bed and set her alarm for the ungodly hour of 5:45 - their call was at 7:30 and she needed time for shower, coffee and food.

Her phone beeped. A text from her cousin and best friend, Anya.

 **Anya 11:09 PM**  
Hey freak, how'd it go?

She grinned and texted back.

 **Lexa 4:09 PM**  
Long ass flight. Going to sleep, have to get up at 5.45. ugh

 **Anya 11:10 PM**  
Poor baby. Seen any of the cast yet? Clarke Griffin is hot! Yummy ;)

She shook her head and smiled. _Fucking Anya._

 **Lexa 4:10 PM**  
No perv, I meet them all tomorrow

 **Anya 11:10 PM**  
Pls take secret pics of her and send 2 me

 **Lexa 4:11 PM**  
Fuck off :p

 **Anya 11:11 PM**  
You fuck off, shrimp. Ha ha. Love you.

 **Lexa 4:11 PM**  
Love you too, dumbass

 **Anya 11:11 PM**  
Hey, I'm proud of you

Her heart felt so full of affection for her cousin.

 **Lexa 4:11 PM**  
Love you xoxo

She clicked of the light and snuggled under the duvet, smiling to herself - excited for the morning.

* * *

She was shuttled to the set the next morning promptly at 7:00 AM and despite her heavy parka and the heater in the SUV, it was fucking cold. She was driven deep into the actual wilderness to where the trailers sat next to a huge set made to look like a battlefield. In the foggy, early morning light, it looked dark and mysterious and it made Lexa smile. _This was going to be so much fun._

As Lexa walked toward the show runner Collin O'Scopy who stood amongst a large group of people, she heard it. She knew who the jovial voice belonged to before she bothered to look at the source. It was Clarke Griffin, up to her usual shenanigans, laughing and joking with a tall, moppy-headed guy who she threw an arm around while they both giggled. Lexa tucked her chin into her jacket and waited for Collin O'Scopy to notice her.

"Lexa?" A flurry of blonde rushed towards her, all smiles. "Lexa Woods?" The blonde grinned and held out her hand. "I'm Clarke Griffin, we have a bunch of scenes together."

Lexa smiled, feeling a bit self conscious and offered her hand as well. "Nice to meet you." She grinned sheepishly and looked at the blonde. "Again." She added. _Stupidly_.

The blonde bit her lip and smiled crookedly, still holding onto Lexa's hand. She raised her eyebrows as if asking her to spit it out.

Lexa slid her hand out of Clarke's grasp and took a step backward. "Nevermind." She laughed causally, jamming her hands into the pockets of her coat  

Clarke looked at her quizzically for a moment before speaking. "Our scenes don't shoot until this afternoon." She yelled to Collin O, "Can I take Lexa to run lines inside where it's warm?"

Upon seeing him nod consent, Clarke grabbed onto Lexa's hand and dragged her inside the nearest trailer, closing the door with an exaggerated, "hmmph!"

Lexa allowed herself to be whisked away; she didn't really have a choice. She looked around the trailer with wide eyes. It was small and sparsely furnished, but it was warm.

"Is this your-"

"Sit." Clarke interrupted, pointing to one of two chairs set up in the kitchen. She went to the cupboard and grabbed two mugs. "Coffee?"

Lexa looked like a deer in headlights, but she complied and sat down. Happy to be warm, despite the awkwardness of the situation. "Please," she said, offering up a small smile.

"Cream?" Clarke asked.

"Black with two sugars."

Clarke added the proper amount of sugar into a mug and returned her focus to Lexa. "You want some?" She help up a packet of TimTams™ - raised an eyebrow and smiled knowingly.

_Is she flirting? Wtf??_

Lexa shook her head and smiled. It was something she'd seen before; Australians bonding over their love of the chocolate biscuits. "Of course I do."

Clarke tossed the package to Lexa who caught it easily. She then put an espresso pod into the machine and pulled the lever. Waiting for it to brew, she tuned to Lexa, hand on her hip. "What do you think of the script?"

_This girl was so direct._

Lexa smiled again. "I think it's incredible and the role I get to play sounds amazing."

"I know." Clarke put another pod in. "And you and I are gonna be-" She trailed off slightly, attempting to find the right words.

Lexa cleared her throat and laughed awkwardly. "Romantic interests?"

Clarke did not miss Lexa's suddenly pink cheeks."You noticed that, huh?"

"Right from the beginning, yeah."

They both chuckled and shook their heads. Lexa added. "After I make you kill your _boyfriend_ , of course."

"Right." Clarke smiled, _her eyes were so blue_. "Creative _license_."

_Looking back, Lexa would pinpoint this as the exact moment she steeped over an invisible line into uncharted territory. A place where she would eventually get swept up in the whirlwind that was Clarke Griffin._

* * *

 Clarke

She had been given such a great opportunity. The 55 was a young actor's dream; great story, fun people, excellent press and good money. It was hard work and they kept to a grueling schedule, but she had been having the time of her life.

At the beginning of shooting season two, she was told that her character Elyza, would get a new female love interest. Clarke was open to and excited about the storyline, anxious to get to flex her acting chops. When she was told _who_ would be playing the part of Alicia, the Commander and leader of the 12 clans, she couldn't believe it.

_What a small world._

She knew very well who Lexa Woods was. She had been running into her for years as they both competed in their native Australia for acting parts. Lexa was an effortlessly gorgeous girl who moved like she was royalty - all long neck, cheekbones, jawline and legs. She possessed great poise, charm and charisma. Not to mention, beautiful chestnut hair, full lips and expressive green eyes to die for. When she was younger, Clarke hated whenever the girl showed up because she had been the only other person who Clarke felt could compete with her. She was certain that many of the roles she didn't get was because of Lexa.

When she learned that Lexa would be playing the part of the Commander, Elyza's love interest, Clarke briefly panicked. It was a silly emotional response to something that had happened years earlier. Something that Clarke had told no one, save for her best friend Jane back in Australia. Something that even now, still stuck in her mind.

But she was a professional now, she could handle this. Clarke had always been good with people. She wouldn't allow herself to become intimidated by this Lexa. Yeah, she was as beautiful as an angel and could act as well as, or better than Clarke, but she was just a girl. No reason to feel threatened or nervous. She decided that the best course of action to take with Lexa would be to hit the problem (well, not a problem exactly) head on from the get-go. She would take control of their interactions - she would lead whatever relationship they would have until the season was over.

The night before she was to meet Lexa on set, Clarke laid in bed and rested her laptop on her knees while she typed 'Lexa Woods' into the search engine. She was determined to find out everything about the girl, but there wasn't much information. No Vines and very little Twitter activity.

 _Hmm_. She did a video search and happened upon a YouTube video made by one of Lexa's friends. It showed three girls driving around California being dorks and having a great time. Clarke laughed out loud as she watched Lexa. She had no idea the girl could be so silly. Each time she had seen Lexa, she had been the epitome of professionalism. But there she was on Clarke's screen, laughing and looking like the most adorable geek Clarke had ever seen.

Despite her laughter, Clarke felt a sick feeling of dread bubbling up into her stomach. She closed her laptop and reached for her phone. She texted her best friend Jane.

 **Clarke 2:21 PM**  
U there

 **Jane 10:21 PM**  
Hi. U ok?

 **Clarke 2:21 PM**  
Remember that dream I had?

 **Jane 10:22 PM**  
Uh, can u be more specific?

Clarke huffed as she typed.

 **Clarke 2:22 PM**  
The dream I made u promise not to tell anyone??

 **Jane 10:22 PM**  
Oh THAT dream. Lol.

 **Clarke 2:23 PM**  
She's here.

 **Jane 10:23 PM**  
No! Wtf for?

 **Clarke 2:23 PM**  
My new co-star AND love interest

 **Jane 10:24 PM**  
Omg. I'm doing happy dance. Rofl

 **Clarke 2:24 PM**  
U suck, u know this is a big deal for me!

 **Jane 10:24 PM**  
Come on, u had a sex dream about her and she's hot. So what? U can deal

 **Clarke 2:24 PM**  
It's just weird

 **Jane 10:24 PM**  
What??

 **Clarke 2:25 PM**  
She's really pretty

 **Jane 10:25 PM**  
Ur just seeing that now??? U like her!

 **Clarke 2:25 PM**  
Hardly!! I just feel kinda weird knowing that I had this dream about someone who looks like, her. Ugh.

 **Clarke 2:25 PM**  
Anyway thx for the support asshole. :) I'm going to bed

 **Jane 10:25 PM**  
Sweet dreams  <3 <3 (attached was a sexy headshot of Lexa Woods) 

 **Clarke 2:26 PM**  
\- middle finger emojis

 

* * *

 


	2. Bite Your Tongue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there's a pill reference in this chap so please take care if that's a trigger.

Lexa

She sat on an uncomfortable metal chair in Clarke Griffin's trailer drinking coffee and watching as the the girl rushed around and chattered on like a blonde Energizer™ bunny. She eyed the door nervously, wondering if maybe she should go and speak with Collin O'Scopy herself.

Clarke seemed to sense her uncertainty. "Hear that?" She pointed towards the roof.

She did. Not only was it raining, it was _pouring_. Lexa's eyes widened as she waited for what she was sure would be Clarke's next point.

"We're not shooting today." She laughed softy. "Nobody is."

"I should probably still go." Lexa made to stand, but Clarke frowned and motioned for her to sit back down with her finger.

Lexa laughed nervously. _God, this girl was dominant._

Lexa walked the few feet into the small kitchen, placed her coffee cup in the sink and threw away the biscuit wrapper. She then made her way to the door. "Thank you for the coffee," she said as her hand grabbed the doorknob.

She shouldn't have, but she did. She looked over her shoulder. And then, like a total idiot, she said, "nice meeting you."

The blonde raised an eyebrow and grinned slyly before she spoke, _taking her goddamn time_. "Ditto," she purred as Lexa all but flung herself out the door.

Into the rain.

Her vision was blurry and she felt as if her chest was on fire. Knowing what would surely come next, she moved quickly out of sight. She closed her eyes and began counting back from one hundred as she leaned against the side of Clarke Griffin's trailer and slumped to the ground.

_In through your nose, out through your mouth. 99, 98, 97, 96..._

* * *

"Hey," came a soft voice. "What are you doing out here?" A hand came to rest on her shoulder. It was Raven Reyes, the girl who played Lindsey; the wise cracking, hotheaded, brilliant engineer/mechanic.

Raven's character was her personal favorite. Looking up into her dark, gentle eyes, Lexa felt her chest loosen.

"You're Lexa, aren't you?"

She nodded, grateful that Raven didn't ask the obvious question: _why are you out here crying in the pouring rain_? Instead, she reached a hand down and Lexa took it, allowing Raven to pull her to her feet.

"Come on," she said. "There's a shuttle taking us back to the hotel early. This rain won't let up."

Lexa stood up and let herself be led by Raven and her giant umbrella towards a huge, black SUV. As soon as she clambered into the back, three curious pairs of eyes greeted her.

She recognized them all immediately. There was Octavia Blake who played Marie, John Murphy who played the shifty, but oddly endearing, Richard and Indra (no last name, kind of like Beyoncé and Madonna), who played one of Lexa's character's closest advisors, was behind the wheel.

"Get your ass in here," Octavia ordered gruffly. Her voice became soft and full of concern when Lexa sat down in the seat next to her. "Oh my god! You're drenched." She pulled the blanket from her own lap and draped it over Lexa's shoulders, rubbing her hands up and down Lexa's shivering arms.

"Indra, crank the heat!" Yelled Octavia.

"The car has to warm up," Indra drawled. "Paitence, _Sky Girl_."

The back seat erupted in giggles.

As soon as Raven closed her umbrella and shut the door, Indra put the car in drive and they sped off, all of them laughing as they ran over obstacles in the trail which made the car jostle and shake. It appeared that Indra was having a blast four-wheeling, as was everyone else. Lexa just wanted to get back to the hotel in one piece so she could fall apart in private.

* * *

**Lexa 7:54 AM**

First day on set and it happened

 **Lexa 7:54 AM**  
I can't fucking believe it

 **Lexa 7:54 AM**  
Wtf is WRONG with me??

From her spot on the carpet, she looked at her phone. _Anya calling_. She hit ignore and pressed her face into the floor as she rested on her arms and knees like a sphinx, her hand clutching a small bottle.

99, 98, 97, 96, 95...

_Anya calling._

92, 91, 90...

 **Anya 10:56 AM**  
answer the goddamn phone Lexa!

 **Anya 10:56 AM**  
Don't u fucking do this again

 _Anya calling_.

79, 78, 76...

 **Anya 10:57 AM**  
I am not gonna go thru this with u again

 _Anya calling_.

64, 63, 62...

 **Anya 10:57 AM**  
I swear to god I will call someone if u don't answer rn

 **Anya 10:58 AM**  
Calling the police now

 **Lexa 7:58 AM**  
I'm ok pls don't

 **Anya 10:59 AM**  
Call me

 **Lexa 7:59 AM**  
I can't

_Anya calling_

**Anya 11:00 AM**  
I hear your voice or I call someone. Ur choice.

_Anya calling._

"Hi." Her voice was so meek and quiet - hardly above a whisper. Anya knew from experience that this was not a great sign. It fueled her fears that Lexa might fall apart again but she wouldn't be there to save her this time.

"Lexa," her breathing sounded shaky over the phone. "We're gonna run through the questions, ok?"

No response.

"Ok?"

"K," came a timid voice.

"Are you hurt?"

"No."

"Are you bleeding?" Anya's voice almost cracked.

"No."

"Do you have anything sharp?"

"No."

Anya sighed in relief.

"Where are you?"

"In my room."

"Have you been drinking?"

"No."'Lexa's voice sounded so tiny, so far away.

"Have you taken anything?"

No response.

"Lexa, have you taken any _pills_?"

Anya could hear her cousin take a deep, ragged breath. While her heart ached for Lexa - she had seen her in this dark place more times than she'd care to remember, she also knew that in order to properly assess Lexa's state of mind, she had to be tough.

"Lexa!" She barked. "I have the number for the local police department right in front of me. I'm going to ask you again, did you take any pills?"

"No," she laughed through her tears. "I didn't _take_ them."

Anya's relief was only momentary. _How had they gotten here again?_ When Lexa left for Canada a few days ago, Anya was certain she was strong enough.

"But you have some don't you?"

Lexa exhaled loudly. "Yeah."

Anya took a deep breath. _Relax, don't jump down her throat. At least she reached out_.

"What happened today, Lex?"

She rolled onto her side with a groan, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

"I don't want to talk about it," she whined. Anya was the only person alive that Lexa didn't have to maintain any pretense with.

"Yes, you do." Anya pressed.

" _Anya_." Lexa's voice was full of pain, it tore at Anya's heart. She sounded so wounded.

"What is it, honey? Tell me what happened."

Her voice cracked as she tried to hold back a sob. "She said-"

A huge sob wracked her small frame as she lay on her side on the floor, still in her wet parka.

Anya had no idea who _she_ was, but now really wasn't the time. "What did she say, sweetie?"

99, 98, 97, 96...

"Lexa, talk to me." 

She took in small sips of oxygen as she counted backwards. 93, 92, 91...

"What did she say?" Anya pressed. 

"Anya?" 

"Yeah?"

"She said ditto." 

 

* * *

Clarke

_Well that had been a disaster. An hour with me and she's running for the door._

Clarke felt more than a little unsettled; in trying to control her interaction with Lexa Woods, she had come off like a total nut job. She exhaled and held her fingers to her temples.

She paced the floor, wondering why it even bothered her. But it did. It really did. At some point in time while Lexa was sitting in her trailer, Clarke's initial animosity towards her had morphed into curiosity, which then became even more complicated as she began to realize why it suddenly mattered. _She wanted Lexa to like her._

 _What am I doing_? She shook her head to clear it, but instead was hit with the unwelcome image she'd been fighting for years. _Lexa. And her mouth._

Her heart positively thundered and her face grew hot. _Fuckfuckfuck_. She grabbed a cigarette from the pack on the table and lit it on the stove, inhaling deeply. She felt the stress leave her body as she exhaled.

_This was mind over matter. She could do this. Who was Lexa, anyway? No one. There was absolutely no reason for her to be nervous around this girl. None whatsoever._

Bang bang bang on her door. "Come on, Princess!" It was Jasper Jordan. He opened the door a crack and said, "heeeeere's Johnny!"

Clarke laughed. Jasper always cheered her up.

"You coming?" He reached for her cigarette, which she freely relinquished. He blew four prefect smoke rings before handing it back. "Let's go back to the hotel and get our drink on."

Clarke laughed and rolled her eyes. "Jasper, it's not even noon yet."

"Never stopped us before." He wiggled his eyebrows up and down suggestively.

"You're so bad." She punched him in the arm.

She immediately grabbed her coat and headed out the door into Jasper's waiting car.

He skidded out a little as they took off down the hill. "Slow down, ass!" Clarke yelled.

Jasper turned the radio up to full volume. "I can't hear you" he shouted. "The music's too loud."

She punched him in the leg and turned down the music. "Let's stop at the grocery store, k?"

"You need feminine hygiene products, don't you?" He dead panned.

"Yep, you got me." Clarke laughed. "Guilty as charged."

"You won't mind if I wait in the car, then?"

"Not at all."

* * *

During her Google ~~stalking~~ searching, she had learned that Lexa had thing about Nutella and apples. She combed the aisles until she located a jar then went to pick out six bright green apples. She smiled to herself while she stood in line at the checkout. "Pack of Camel lights, please," she said to the girl.

"That'll be $15.91."

As she handed the bill over, something next to the magazines caught her eye. "And I'll take this too." She tossed it onto the counter.

_The Little Book of Big Squid Facts_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will for sure update every week, but probably oftener.  
> Doesn't it seem strange that 'oftener' is even a word?


	3. Woah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is reference to drug addiction in this chap. Please be careful. 
> 
> Also, sorry these chaps are so full of text messages, but it's necessary right now.

Lexa

"Jesus Lexa," Anya sighed heavily into the phone. "I'm so sorry, but who are we talking about?"

Lexa didn't answer, but Anya could hear her groan. She was still on the floor in her wet clothes. She felt miserable and more than a little embarrassed.

"It was nothing," she said as she got up and finally took off her jacket.

"Didn't sound like nothing."

"No Anya, I'm ok. I just-" her voice cracked.

_Hearing that word so soon and from that girl's mouth? It was disgusting._

Bile threatened to come up, but she grit her teeth and swallowed it down. She was most definitely not ok. She slumped onto the bed and pulled the duvet over her, trying to hold back the sobs that wracked her body.

 _Oh shit_. Anya was getting nervous again.

"Lexa," she began cautiously. "Lexa, listen to me. Stay with me."

All Anya could hear was the sound of Lexa sobbing.

"Honey, please talk to me. You can tell me. I'm here."

Lexa wailed into the pillow through her tears. She sounded like a wounded animal and Anya's heart broke all over again for her cousin.

"Do you want me to come get you?"

"No." She sniffed and sat up quickly, wiping her eyes.

_No way she was going to let some blonde asshole keep her from achieving her goals._

"You sure?"

She took a deep breath and steadied herself. "Yeah, I'm sorry for waking you up."

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm ok Anya, I should go. I love yo-"

"-stop it! You don't get to pretend like nothing happened." Anya's voice became louder and more emotional. "Do you have any idea how much I worry? Thinking I'm going to get another phone call in the middle of the night, and you're hurt or _worse_ -" Anya choked on the words, sounding like she was about to cry herself.

"I'm sorry," Lexa said softly. And she was. It wasn't fair to keep doing this to Anya.

"You don't have to be sorry, just tell me what happened."

She took a deep breath. And told Anya about her conversation with Clarke Griffin.

* * *

  _"Come on babe, I'm gonna be late." Said the pretty blonde as she tried to untangle herself from her girlfriend's embrace._

_"Mm, stay," Lexa was snuggled up in the blankets. She wrapped her arms around the blonde's waist as she tried to get up. "I need you here, call in a sickie."_

_She laughed and bent down to kiss those lovely, full lips - moaning in pleasure as their tongues met. "Uh uh, I need to get to work, pretty girl." She pulled back and slapped Lexa's hands away while she struggled to her feet._

_Lexa laid back down on the bed, her hair fanned out on the pillow. She looked up with adoration in her eyes. "I am so in love with you."_

_The blonde stood in doorway to their bedroom, clad only in a pair of underwear. "Ditto," she said with a wink and a smile. "Show me just how much tonight?"_

_Lexa grinned and blew her a kiss. "Count on it."_

_This had been their last conversation._

* * *

Now Anya understood _why_ Lexa was so upset, but she still wasn't sure what had happened exactly.

"Was this real or a dream?"

"Real." Lexa huffed in annoyance. _Obviously_.

"And it was Clarke Griffin?"

"Mm hm." Lexa sighed into the phone. "She's awful."

_Awful? Anya could think up a thousand adjectives to describe Clarke Griffin and awful wasn't among them._

"What's so bad about her?"

Lexa put her phone on speaker as she shimmied out of her wet clothes.

"Well first of all, she's insane." She huffed as she peeled her wet jeans off and threw them into the bathtub, grabbing a bathrobe from a hook on the wall.

"Uh, ok." Anya said. "What else?"

"She pretended to not know who I was."

"Really? Didn't you guys like see each other like all the time back in-"

"Yeah, she knows me, she's just playing a game, and-" She stopped talking to put up her hair, a clip between her teeth. "And she flirted with me."

"Ok, _baaack_ up." Anya said. "Start from the beginning."

"The second I got there, she ambushed me." Lexa brought her phone into the bathroom where she began to remove her contact lenses.

"What do you mean, she ambushed you?"

"The second I arrived on set, she grabbed me and tried to-" she tried to find the right words. "She pulled some alpha crap on me and tried to control the entire situation." She ran the water until it was hot and began to wash her face with a washcloth.

Anya was confused. _Alpha crap? Control the situation?_ "I still don't understand."

Lexa took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "She grabbed me and pulled me into her trailer and made me a coffee and gave me TimTams™ and then she flirted with me and then she said it when I tried to leave."

Anya couldn't help but laugh at her cousin's weirdness. "You're right, she sounds just _awful_."

"She is, Anya." Lexa said in all seriousness as she walked back into the bedroom and put on her glasses. "She's strange and she's playing some kind of game with me and every time I see her blonde hair, I-" Her voice began to tremble again.

"Ok, I get it. I understand." Anya soothed. "Calm down. Are you sure this project is worth it?"

She regained composure quickly and thought about how hard she had worked to get here. Her voice became stronger, surer. "I've signed a contract. It'll be ok, I can separate feelings from work. I've done it before and I'll do it again."

The strength in her cousin's voice made Anya feel a whole lot better. "You sure you don't need me to come over there and kick some ass?"

Lexa laughed, feeling better. _What had she ever done to deserve a friend like Anya_? " No, I got this."

"You're sure?"

"Yes _Mom_ , I'll be fine." She rolled her eyes.

"Ok, but promise you'll check in every day?" Anya didn't want to let her go so soon.

"I promise, thanks An, sorry to worry you over nothing."

"It's not nothing if it affects you this way."

"I know, but it's ok now. I feel much better."

Anya knew the topic Lexa was avoiding. She always did this: she broke down, called for help and then completely retreated afterwards, acting like nothing had happened.

She felt like an ass, but she had to bring it up. "And the pills?"

Lexa exhaled loudly. "It's not a big deal, Any-"

Anya's voice turned hard. "It's a _big_ fucking deal, Lexa. What are they and where did you get them?"

_A small scratch at the door. Was someone knocking?_

She took her phone off speaker. "I have to go, someone's at the door." Lexa said quickly. "I'll call you tonight." She hung up and peered through the peep hole.

* * *

Clarke

She quietly knelt down and proped the small, brown paper bag with the apples, Nutella and the little squid book outside Lexa's door. But she lost her balance and accidentally hit her elbow on the doorknob. _Shit_.

She got up quickly as she heard someone stirring inside. She fixed her hair and stood up straighter as a cautious voice came through the door.

"Who is it?"

She took a deep breath to calm herself. "It's Clarke," she said through the door, smiling innocently at the peephole to prove she wasn't a stalker. "Clarke Griffin."

The door opened but the chain lock was still in place. Accusing, reddened green eyes peered at her through the crack in the door - looking her up and down. "What do you want?"

Clarke picked up the bag and took a step backwards. She stretched her arm out, trying to hand the bag to Lexa who only looked at her suspiciously. "I come in peace."

Lexa did not take the bag. Clarke stood there with her arm out, knowing full well that she looked like an idiot, but she didn't back down. She held the bag out for Lexa to take, her eyes never leaving the brunette's face. Seeing Lexa like that, with her hair in a messy bun, her eyes red and swollen, wearing those glasses and that goddamn robe. Clarke felt her heart skip a beat.

Her confidence wavered. She placed the bag on the doorstep again. "I'm sorry, I just wanted to cheer you up." She took another look into Lexa's eyes and nodded, making to turn around and leave.

"What is it?" Came a small voice through the crack.

Clarke smiled and raised her eyes tentatively, noting the interest she saw in those eyes, which only moments ago, held nothing but pain and annoyance.

"See for yourself." She picked up the bag and held it through the crack in the door. Lexa peered inside, furrowed her brows and looked up at Clarke questioningly.

Her eyes were wide and mouth slightly ajar as she looked into Clarke's eyes. "You got these for me?" She wrinkled her brow.

"Yep. Green apples and Nutella - rumor has it you kinda like that sort of thing." Clarke bit her lip and averted her eyes while she rocked on her heels. She stole another glance at the brunette.

Lexa's eyes were so fucking green - so open and flustered, Clarke had to sink her back teeth hard into her cheeks to fight the urge to- _to what_ she wasn't sure.

Lexa's mouth opened twice, but nothing came out. She looked at from the open bag to Clarke and then back to the bag. "Why?"

Her reply was instant, but she stumbled over the words. "Just cause, you know -- today, I was kinda..." She laughed despite herself and nervously ran her fingers through her hair. "I was in a weird head space today and I had two triple espressos before the coffee we had and I was just an idiot."

Lexa continued to look at her through the crack in the door. She noticed that the pain in Lexa's eyes had seemed to subside. The thought made her heart soar but she ignored it - chalking it up to nerves.

"I wanted us to, you know -" She cleared her throat. " Or I mean, I wanted to apologize and maybe make a better first impression." She looked up at Lexa with hopeful eyes.

Lexa softened considerably and she took the bag from Clarke's outstretched hand. "No need to apologize. I was off today too."

She didn't unlock the door, but Clarke felt like this might be a small step towards peace. "I'm really sorry for kidnapping you like that and for making you listen to my over-caffeinated ramblings." She swung her arms by her side and blew a raspberry. "And I know I said something that upset you, I just don't know wha-"

"-it's fine. You're fine." Lexa interrupted. Clarke could see the steely distance reappear in Lexa's eyes.

_She's protecting herself._

"I didn't want us to get off on the wrong foot and whatever I did or said to upset you, I'm sorry."

Lexa laughed, feigning a nonchalance she did not feel. It sounded phony to Clarke's ears. "No reason to be sorry, you didn't upset me. I think I just have a flu bug or something. But thanks for all this, I'll see you tomorrow." She made to close the door, but Clarke quickly inserted the toe of her boot into the space.

"So, does that mean you won't be joining me - _us_ for dinner this evening?"

Lexa pursed her lips into a thin line and narrowed her eyes. "I should rest tonight so I'll feel better tomorrow. She looked down at Clarke's foot, still stuck in the door. She raised her eyes to look at Clarke. "Thanks for these," she said, gesturing to the bag. "But there really was nothing to apologize for."

Lexa looked into Clarke's eyes until she removed her foot from the door. "See you tomorrow," she said as the door clicked softly closed.

* * *

_Joining 'me' for dinner tonight? Really, Clarke? Jesus. I am such an ass. She hates me._

Clarke felt like utter shit. Why was she always messing up around this girl? Why was it suddenly so hard for her to act normal?

She walked down the stairs to her floor and immediately ran into Jasper and Monty. It was obvious that Jasper had already had a few drinks when he grabbed her and attempted to twirl her around. "Let's get started, lil mama!"

She groaned and pulled away. She was no longer in the mood to drink. "Looks like you already been started." She kissed him on the cheek and went to unlock her door. "I'm tired, I gotta Netflix and chill for a bit."

Jasper and Monty groaned in unison. "You're no fun," Monty said.

"Please accept my sincere apologies, boys but I _needs_ to chill." She blew them a kiss and closed her door.

"Wait," Jasper yelled. "We still on for dinner?"

"Yeah, later," she called back. "Now scram!"

She could hear Monty and Jasper giggling as they walked away.

She closed the door and leaned back against it, softly banging her head. What the hell had gotten into her?

She collapsed onto the bed with a sigh. She needed to talk about this before it messed with her head for real. She pulled out her phone and began to type

 **Clarke 4:22 PM**  
U around? I need to talk

 **Jane 12:27 PM**  
U ok?? Whatsa matter?

 **Clarke 4:27 PM**  
Bout time. I'm surfing over here

 **Jane 12:27 PM**  
surfing??

 **Clarke 4:27 PM**  
Dying. Auto correct.

 **Clarke 4:27 PM**  
I am a total and complete moron

 **Jane 12:28 PM**  
What happened?? R u ok?

 **Clarke 4:28 PM**  
I'm fine but she hates me. I'm sure of it

 **Jane 12:28 PM**  
Wtf r u on about???? 

 **Clarke 4:29 PM**  
I tried to be nice but I made a total jackass of myself. She ran screaming from my trailer after we had coffee and then I tried to bring her apples and squid book to apologize but then I accidentally kind of asked her out

 **Jane 4:30 PM**  
Slow ur roll turbo, tell me what happened from the beginning

 **Clarke 4:30 PM**  
And she slammed the door in my face after I acted like a total loser

 **Jane 12:30 PM**  
Don't tell me -- Lexa Woods, I presume??

 **Clarke 4:31 PM**  
Duh, she's awful. I can't stand being around her. I just don't get where she's coming from. I tried to bring her some of her favorite things, but she looked at me like I was insane

 **Jane 12:31 PM**  
You brought her what?

 **Clarke 4:31 PM**  
Just some little things to cheer her up, she looks so sad.

 **Jane 12:31 PM**  
What little things?? What aren't u telling me??

 **Clarke 4:32 PM**  
It's nothing. I just bought her some apples and Nutella and a book

 **Jane 12:32 PM**  
Random. How u even know she likes those things?

Clarke looked down at the screen. _Shit_. She couldn't lie to Jane.

 **Clarke 4:33 PM**  
I may have read it somewhere. How are you?

 **Jane 12:33 PM**  
Fine. Read it where, C?

 **Clarke 4:33 PM**  
I may have googled her, but if that gets out I'll deny it :P

 **Jane 12:34 PM**  
You don't sound like yourself - what's going on?? Is this about the dream still???

 **Clarke 4:34 PM**  
No.

 **Clarke 4:34 PM**  
Yes.

 **Clarke 4:34 PM**  
I don't know. Janey, I'm so fucked

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to you all -- I love this fandom so much.  
> xxx


	4. The Ladies Loo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens.

Clarke [cont]

Jane Foster had been Clarke's best friend since their worlds collided in the third grade. Jane had been a quiet, shy girl while Clarke had always been, well, _Clarke_. One afternoon some mean boys were teasing Jane mercilessly and Clarke had stepped in to defend her by throwing rocks at the offenders until they retreated. They became fast friends and had been protecting each other ever since.

From the few times Clarke had mentioned it, Jane could plainly see that the dream she'd had about Lexa Woods shook her to her foundation. It had been a few years ago, when Clarke still lived in Australia. She had been on an audition for some part or another - Jane was used to her best friend's vague complaints about the girl - but after the last audition, she called Jane from her car crying. Something that wasn't at all like Clarke.

"What's wrong, honey?" Hearing Clarke in tears made Jane's heart ache

"I saw her," Clarke said through her tears. "She was there and I'm not gonna get a callback."

She had only seen Clarke that morning and she had been fine. Whatever happened, must have truly been awful.

"Who did you see? And you _always_ say you won't get a callback."

Clarke was trying to talk through her tears. "I swear to god, I'm moving as far away from this place as I can possibly get, I am not going to continue to subject myself to-"

"Clarke. Clarke!" She was rambling and not making any sense. "Slow down, now start from the beginning, what happened?"

Clarke groaned and sniffed. "You got any wine?"

"Yep, just went to the store this morning. Get over here and tell me what happened."

* * *

Clarke spent the rest of the afternoon on Jane's couch growing progressively drunker as darkness fell. Jane expected her friend to tell her what had gone so horribly wrong at the audition, but the blonde remained tight-lipped and vague. Jane understood Clarke well enough to know that not much got under her skin, but when it _did_ , she knew to tread carefully. She didn't push, knowing that the alcohol would eventually loosen her tongue.

And it did. Hours later while they sat on the couch and pretended to watch tv, Clarke suddenly became serious. She put her glass on the coffee table and lit a cigarette. She turned to Jane and looked at her with worried eyes. Jane muted the volume and looked at Clarke- waiting for her to speak.

She took a long drag and exhaled towards the ceiling. "I need to tell you something."

Jane nodded. _This seemed serious_ \- she held her breath and waited for Clarke to continue.

"About a year ago," she began, taking another hard draw from her smoke. "I had this dream."

"Okay?"

"And-" She ran a hand through her messy blonde hair. "I've tried but, but I just can't get it out of my head."

Jane waited for her to continue but she only groaned and held her face in her hands. Clarke stubbed out her butt and took a large swallow of wine. She had practically drank both bottles by herself. She leaned back onto the sofa, resting her head on the back so her eyes focused on the ceiling.

"I can't believe I'm gonna say this out loud."

"What?" Jane said, eager to get to the heart of the matter.

"I had a dream about Lexa Woods."

"Uh, ok?" Jane furrowed her brows - she didn't know why this would be such a big deal and waited for Clarke to continue.

"And I can't stop thinking about it and whenever i see her I just lose my shit and I can't focus and I can't talk and it just--" She drained her glass completely before continuing. "When she's around, I just fall completely apart."

Jane was quick - so _that's_ why Clarke was so flustered. "You had a sex dream about her, didn't you?" She looked at Clarke who wouldn't meet her gaze.

Clarke covered her face with a throw pillow. "Kind of, yeah."

Jane tried to pull the pillow away, but Clarke held it tighter, using it to obscure her face which was by now, red with embarrassment.

"What's the big deal? You've been attracted to girls before, we both hav-"

"-not like this, Jane." Clarke's voice was thick with a meaning that Jane couldn't quite decipher. She put the pillow down and wiped her face. Jane could see tears glistening in Clarke's eyelashes.

"Tell me how this is different," Jane said softly.

Clarke bent over and rested her head in her hands. She took a deep breath before she spoke. "It's probably nothing. I'm just tired and I'm being stupid." She quickly got up from the sofa and brought her wine glass and the empty wine bottle into the kitchen.

She put her jacket on and grabbed her bag. Jane could clearly see the turmoil in her friend's eyes, but she decided not to push it. Clarke had always been a rock; nothing much got to her, and it was strange to see her like this. Perhaps it had been nothing, and maybe Clarke _was_ just tired.

Jane stood and walked over to Clarke who sat in a dining room chair putting on her boots. She rested a gentle hand on the blonde's shoulder. "It's not stupid if it bothers you."

"It's nothing," Clarke said as she laced up her boot. She got up and began gathering her things. "I'm sorry for being such a drag today. This is nothing - I'm just stressed."

Clarke came to kiss Jane on the cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Jane smiled to herself and walked down the hallway towards the bathroom to get ready for bed. They had gone through this little routine quite a few times. She waited for what she knew would come next.

"Where the fuck are my _keys_ , Jane?

"Dunno, sorry." She yelled back from the bathroom. She knew full well where Clarke's keys were. They were in her gym bag, tucked into a sock that she pressed into the toe of her running shoes.

Clarke had never been one to relinquish control, even when she had had too much to drink - as was the case tonight. She would do a cursory search, looking for her keys, fully intending on driving home despite her inebriated state, but Jane knew from experience that it would only be a matter of minutes before Clarke strode into her bedroom looking for a large t-shirt to sleep in.

And yes, she did just that. She came in and instead of asking, she went right for Jane's pajama drawer. She left her clothes in a messy heap on Jane's bedroom floor. That was the first night in their young adult life that they didn't sleep together and cuddle when Clarke stayed over. The thought struck Jane as odd, but she ignored it. She fell asleep content with the fact that at least, Clarke was safe.

* * *

Fast forward six months: Clarke, Jane and a few of their friends were at a club seated at one of the VIP tables in the back. They had been drinking and dancing all night. Everyone seemed to be having a great time when Clarke's chest suddenly seized. Out of the corner of her eye, she could clearly make out the face of Lexa Woods. She entered the dimly lit club leading a tall, blonde model-type by the hand.

From her vantage point in the corner, Clarke had a protected and unobstructed view of Lexa. She was wearing skin tight black jeans, combat boots and a black, sleeveless _Clash_ t-shirt that showed off her gorgeous arms as she peeled off her thin leather motorcycle jacket. Her hair was down and her lips cherry red -- she looked _so fucking_ \-- _jesus_...

Clarke didn't want to finish that thought.

She quickly turned back to Jane and their friends and pounded her fist on the table. All eyes looked up. "You guys aren't ready to call it a night yet are you?" When everyone shook their head no, Clarke kissed Jane on the cheek and motioned for the cocktail waitress. "Shots on me!" She yelled amid their whoops and cheers.

After their third round of shots, she had been watching Lexa for nearly an hour. While Lexa and her beautiful blonde companion made no overt public displays of affection- outside of the usual hand holding that occurs between friends; Clarke could sense they were much more than friends.

Part of her felt giddy with excitement - she hadn't been wrong, Lexa Woods _was_ into girls. But another part of her, a part she did not like, felt hot jealousy wash over her like a tidal wave. She watched as they sat together drinking and talking softly. Each time Lexa said something that was humorous, the blonde would hit Lexa softly on the knee or touch her wrist. After watching this happen over and over, Clarke felt her blood begin to boil.

This was insane. She didn't even know the girl. And sure, she was hot but so were a lot of other people. If she wanted to try girls, there were plenty to choose from. In fact, there was someone at their table right now who had flirted hard with Clarke in the past. Someone female. Someone attractive. Someone much prettier than Lexa Woods.

Clarke forced herself to stop looking at Lexa and the mystery blonde and instead focused her eyes on Eva, one of Jane's college friends who had shamelessly flirted with Clarke when they met a few years ago. She had dark, almost black hair that she wore down, beautifully expressive brown eyes and a body that would put most other girls their age to shame.

Since then, they had been out in mixed company together more than a few times and Eva had never hidden her desire for Clarke; there had been winks, long looks, touching the small of Clarke's back as they entered the club, etc.

Clarke had never been interested in Eva. Until tonight.

She ran her finger down the condensation on the outside of the champagne bottle while she looked at Eva. Catching her eye, she stood up and announced, "I'm hitting the ladies room." She made sure to raise her eyebrows suggestively when the girl looked at her. She made her way to the bathroom, certain Eva's eyes followed her ass.

The line in the VIP room was non existent so she went into the largest stall and waited. _What the hell am I doing?_ She considered leaving but someone else entered the restroom. The click of high heels approached slowly; each step seeming to take an eternity. They stopped right outside the stall in which Clarke hid.

Two fingers gently pushed the stall door open, Clarke had forgotten to latch it. She sat there on the toilet and looked up at Eva who leaned in the doorway, eyebrows raised.

Before she could think twice, Clarke flung her arms around the girl's neck and crashed their mouths together.

_This. This is exactly what I need._

Clarke found herself breathless from the kiss and allowed the other girl to take complete control. Eva had her backed up against the now closed stall door as she kissed her hard, fast and desperate. Her hands snaked underneath Clarke's thin t-shirt to tweak and pinch her hard nipples. Clarke rolled her head back against the door and groaned throatily when Eva forced a knee between her legs.

She grabbed at the girl's shirt, trying to yank it over her head when the bathroom door opened. They could hear the music grow louder as the door opened and fainter as it closed. "Shh." Clarke giggled and held a finger to the other girl's lips; when it was sucked into Eva's warm, soft mouth, Clarke groaned again. Loudly.

"Are you alright?" A soft voice came from outside the stall. Clarke knew that voice. Knew it very well. Lexa was in the bathroom.

 _Fuck_.

Clarke's mouth went suddenly dry. Her eyes bulged as she cleared her throat. "Uh, yeah, just a headache - drank too much. I'm fine. Thanks." She called through the door.

"Is it your stomach?" Lexa asked.

Clarke froze in place. Her finger still in Eva's mouth. "Uh, no... Uh, my head hurts but I'll be fine. Thank you."

"Stay there," Lexa said. "I'll be right back with some water and and an aspirin." She was out the door before Clarke or Eva could move or answer.

Clarke grabbed Eva by the straps of her tank and pushed her towards the door. "Go!" She said as she pushed her out. "We were never in here together."

The girl simply stood there looking confused so Clarke made it simple. "Go sit back down and tell Jane I'll be out in a few minutes." She slammed the stall door closed and remembered why she had not been interested in Eva in the first place. She was sweet, but not at all able to think on her feet.

She shook her head with the realization that she'd probably never meet someone who could match her; if her last few relationships were anything to go by. She pondered the thought and in her drunken state, completely forgot why she was hiding in a bathroom stall.

The door opened again and the same set of soft footsteps approached. Clarke could see Lexa's boots through the small crack at the bottom of the stall.

"You still there?" Lexa asked.

"Yeah." Clarke answered softly. She put her open palm against her side of the door.

Lexa matched Clarke's low tone and said, "is it ok if I hand you something under the door?"

"Yeah." Her voice was thick and had dropped two octaves seemingly without her input or permission.

A graceful hand with long, thin fingers produced a bottle of water and a small packet of paracetamol. She kneeled down and placed both items neatly just under the crack. Putting her palm up to the outside of the door, she spoke again, softly. "Are you ok?"

Upon hearing the gentleness in Lexa's rich voice, Clarke let out a half sigh, half sob and before she could think better of it, she answered. "Not really, no."

Lexa paused. She understood. "You don't just mean tonight." It wasn't a question.

"No," came the soft, wounded voice.

"I know what that feels like." It was so low, Clarke wasn't sure she'd said it. But she had. Clarke was about to speak again when the door opened.

"What the fuck, Lexa?" Came a posh, angry voice. "You leave me out there alone just so you can come play nursemaid to some stranger in the bathroom?"

Lexa stood up and brushed off the knees of her pants. "Sorry," she whispered through the door. And to the other woman, she said, "don't forget Cass, that's _exactly_ where you found me."

The other woman huffed. "Whatever, just come back out there." She blew Lexa a kiss and left the bathroom. Leaving Clarke and Lexa alone once again.

Lexa put her hand up against the door again. "I hope you feel better." She kicked the floor with the toe of her boot, Clarke could see it through the crack in the bottom. "And I know how that feels and-" She hesitated and swallowed. "I know we don't know each other, but I would've stayed here and talked to you all night if you needed me to, or if I could."

Tears rolled silently down Clarke's cheeks as she listened. "Thanks," she muttered.

She could see Lexa's boots turn to leave, but then she swiveled back around on one foot, graceful as a dancer. "I really mean that."

"I know you do."

* * *

Clarke finally made her way back to the table after she had texted Jane countless times to vaguely enquire about the state of things outside the restroom. When she finally came out, Jane's friends had left and Lexa had too.

Clarke and Jane shared a silent taxi back to Clarke's flat, which was closer, and didn't speak until the front door closed behind them.

Once inside, Jane quickly whirled on her friend. "What the _fuck_ were you thinking?"

Clarke's eyes were wide in surprise as she looked at Jane. Her friend was mild, but when something was bothering her, watch out. Her brows contorted into a deep v as she spoke, "what do you mean?"

"What do I mean?" She looked at Clarke accusingly and took off her shoes, flinging them roughly into the bin at the door. She hung her coat and walked into the kitchen. "Well, let's see. You stared at that girl all damn night and ignored us. And then when you _do_ decide to actually grace us with your presence, you hit on Eva and get her to follow you into the bathroom where you---" she paused for effect, gesturing wildly with her arms. "Surprise, surprise, end up talking to Lexa Woods all night."

Jane stormed from the kitchen into Clarke's bedroom, leaving Clarke stunned in the entryway. She followed soon after, leaning in the doorway of the bathroom where Jane washed her face. "You didn't tell them abou-

"-of course not! I would never tell anyone anything about you. But come on Clarke, what the hell happened tonight? Please explain what the fuck, because I don't think I've ever seen you look like that."

 _Gulp_. "Like what?"

Jane turned to look at her, studying her face for a moment. There she was: the same smile, the same blue eyes, the same freckles, the same Clarke - but she had seen something different tonight. Something scary and real and rare.

"Hungry," she said.

* * *

Clarke being Clarke; she was able to explain and qualify all this away for nearly two years after seeing Lexa that night in the club. She convinced Jane that it had just been a momentary lapse of sanity and judgement never to be repeated again. Jane forgave and forgot and all was well.

Until that goddamn show runner - that rat faced, dim witted, flabby cheeked mother fucker had decided he needed another Australian actress on _her_ show.

That's when things really got complicated.

* * *

 

Lexa

She dumped the contents of the bag onto the bed and there it was.

_The Little Book of Big Squid Facts_

So small, she could have easily missed it maybe. Maybe not. But there it was, right there on her bed. She used a pocket knife to slice into an apple, dipping the chunks right into the jar of Nutella as she stared at the book lying face up on the bed.

Part of her felt like a space traveller. She felt thick and heavy and kind of unreal. In her head, she knew this was most often a symptom of a panic attack, but she didn't feel anxious, she just felt heavy and strange, but not altogether bad.

All she could think to think to herself was: _what does this mean?_

* * *

The next week flew by. She had met most all of the cast and began to gradually hang out with the people who lived closest to her. Raven, Murphy, Harper and Miller lived on her floor and she often sat in the lounge with them eating pizza or playing cards in the evenings.

Clarke, (along with Octavia, Jasper, Monty and Bellamy), lived a few floors down and while they saw each other in passing, they had yet to share any scenes. Lexa had shot the first episode with Kane and Jaha, while Clarke was in another area all together. Next week would be the first time they would be on camera together. Lexa continued to be pleasant but not friendly with the girl and Clarke had seemed to do the same.

Lexa began to relax after the first few days, but she still carried the little bottle around with her at all times. Sure, Anya was worried, but what Anya didn't know was that she'd been carrying around the same sealed bottle for nearly 15 months.

Maybe it was an _in case of emergency break glass_ type of thing. Or maybe it was a security blanket or an insurance policy. Maybe it was all of those things but Lexa knew that she needed it. She needed to keep it near at all times. In case. Just in case one day things got so bad that there was no way out. Maybe she'd just pretend she was Mi-6 and that was her fake tooth filed with cyanide in case she ever got captured by the enemy.

Whatever it was or wasn't, she was not willing to part with it. She knew her cousin worried, she knew that Anya feared that phone call; the same or worse than the first. The one that said _someone found her and she's lucky to be alive._

So Lexa did what most people do; she lied. She lied to Anya about the pills and about how close to the edge she'd been that day, hearing words that held so much meaning for _her_ to come casually out of Clarke Griffin's mouth.

And yeah, if she was being honest, it was a pretty mouth. She might not care much for Clarke personally, but she did have eyes.

* * *

It was a Friday and there would be no shooting tomorrow. It started getting cold around 4pm, so most people were leaving their trailers and hopping in cars back to the hotel. Lexa was sitting in makeup, getting the extensions removed from her hair, a tedious process when lo and behold, in strolled Clarke Griffin.

Clarke sat in the salon chair and swiveled around and around as she waited for the other makeup artist to remove her hair extensions. The girl who had been working on Lexa's hair went to get something, leaving the two alone.

Clarke leaned her head back, stretched her legs out and swiveled. Around and around. Lexa watched her.

"Aren't you dizzy?"

Clarke put both hands on her abdomen and groaned. "Kinda," she giggled, spinning faster.

Lexa pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow. "Are you gonna be sick?"

Clarke put her feet down and stopped abruptly, hair falling in her face. She shook it free and looked up at Lexa. "Probably," she dead panned and she reached for the garbage can and pretended to throw up in it.

This earned Clarke her first real smile from Lexa Woods. And smiled she did, despite all her reservations about the blonde; she really was something to behold.

Clarke slouched low in the seat. She raised her eyebrows and looked up. "You should do that more often."

"Do what?" Lexa looked at her questioningly.

"Smile."

Lexa rolled her eyes at Clarke just as two women came out to finish their deconstruction.

They faced each other the entire time as they sat in opposite stations. They talked a little, mostly about the show and that their scenes would be coming up next week. Clarke seemed much more mellow than she had that first day.

Now that Lexa was thinking about it, she realized this was the closest she'd been to Clarke in a week. It was much better now. She didn't have that sinking feeling she'd had that first day when Clarke had said what she'd said. She breathed a sigh of relief in knowing that she was past the hard part.

"Me and Jasper and some people are going to this club tonight to hear some music, you should come." Clarke was smiling at her. _Coyly_?

Lexa made that apologetic face. "This week kicked my ass. I'm so tired."

Clarke nodded and looked at her sideways. "Mm hmm, you can get out of it this time, but next time-" She made her fingers into guns and went _pew pew_ in Lexa's direction. "It won't be so easy to say no to me."

———

thanks to everyone for reading and commenting. I always want to write more when I get happy reinforcements :) 


	5. The Loo - Part Deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's backstory + Raven/Lexa.

Lexa [cont]

Anya was Lexa's first cousin on her father's side. They had done the perfunctory tropical vacations together as kids but did not grow really close until Lexa's last year in high school when she left home and moved in with her older cousin.

Lexa's mother, Catherine McCallister-Woods, was beautiful, wealthy, powerful and completely ruthless. After her father died, Lexa had struggled silently in that huge house alone with a woman who alternated between picking at her for every little thing and ignoring her completely

She lasted a year before she ran away to stay with Anya, the only child of her father's brother, and she had never looked back. She and Anya had fit together like pieces of the same puzzle and for the first time in what seemed liked forever, Lexa felt as if she could allow herself to have a little bit of happiness.

In one short year, Lexa's life had changed drastically; she finished high school, landed more acting jobs and kissed a girl for the first time. It had been her first kiss ever; just a random girl at a party who in her inebriated state, grabbed Lexa and planted one on her. The person had not been significant, but the _kiss_ had been. It was the expression of everything Lexa had felt and pushed away for so long. Those feelings, that _longing_ was suddenly real and tangible. Something she could taste and feel.Her eyes felt open and clear and she suddenly felt alive with the seemingly infinite possibilities of life.

It happened on that very day after her first kiss. She was on her way to meet Anya for coffee and she stopped momentarily; there were fresh flowers being sold on the sidewalk by a vendor. Lexa slowed to admire a particularly exotic bouquet when a woman walked in front of her and caught her eye. Something tugged, it drew her in and she simply stared at her with her mouth ajar.

"Are you alright, darling?" A crisp, London accent.

Lexa looked as off-balance as she felt. Part of her wanted to run. This was definitely nothing she'd come close to feeling before. Her heart did funny things and she felt like she might vomit. Her eyes were wide and open as she continued to stare quite rudely into the exquisite creature's icy gray eyes. Feeling trapped and unable to look away. She felt herself rapidly losing control.

She dropped her bag and ran into the nearest door, a chinese take-out place. Despite an angry man holding a plucked chicken yelling at her that they weren't open, she unceremoniously ducked into the loo locked herself inside a restroom stall.

The blonde stranger was quick on her heels. Lexa could hear her talking to the man in what she thought was Mandarin.

The bathroom door opened and heels clicked towards her hiding place. She stopped outside the only closed door and spoke. Her voice was thick like honey. "You left your bag, love."

Feeling utterly foolish, Lexa stepped out but when she saw those eyes, she faltered on her feet. The blonde's arm shot around her, as she competently guided Lexa to a low armchair in the ladies room and knelt in front of her clutching Lexa's purse along with what seemed to be an insane amount of department store bags. She looked Lexa in the eye and smiled; the effect of which sent Lexa's endorphins into a tailspin. She felt like she was siting in front of a movie star.

"Are you going to be alright?" Curious, bright eyes challenged her.

Lexa felt the corners of her mouth turn up and when she couldn't fight the full on grin, she simply closed her eyes and continued to smile down at the stranger who caused her heart to race and her face to flush red hot. Her body seemed to buzz with electricity as she sat there, embarrassed but unashamed.

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes.

_My god._

Her heart slammed against her chest as she hungrily took the woman in. _Intense_ was the first thing that came to mind. While her long legs, ample cleavage and full lips all screamed _sex_ , there was a playful kindness to her penetrating gaze. Lexa felt herself being willingly pulled into those intense, gray eyes.

If anybody's shyness could be called confident, Lexa's was. When she had finally gained enough composure to speak, she did.

"Hi."

The woman smiled indulgently, the way you might do to a petulant, but favorite child. She inhaled sharply and pursed her lips into a little pout before raising a perfectly manicured eyebrow. "Well, hello there. I'm Cass." She leaned back on her heels and offered her hand. "I don't think I've had the pleasure."

* * *

Needless to say Lexa never met Anya that day. Cass asked Lexa back to her hotel under the pretense of lunch and neither woman had left for three days afterward.

Lexa finally got it. She understood now. This was what all those songs and poems were about. This was what love was supposed to feel like.

When they entered the hotel suite, Cass kicked off her shoes and made a drink for them both. She handed Lexa the drink, a martini, then laid on the sofa where she simply reached her arms up towards Lexa who feel into them wordlessly.

It was like swimming - effortless and all consuming. Their kisses were deep and meaningful from the very beginning. And Lexa felt it all like she had just been born.

They rolled from the sofa onto the floor. Lexa lay on top of her and laced both of their hands together above their heads. The kissed for what seemed like hours, content to get lost in each other's mouths. Their kisses were insistent but their bodies were content to let it build slowly.

And it did. First, over a matter of hours and then, days. All they did was make love. Softly and slowly - over and over again. They both had orgasms but they were simply a pleasant by-product of their slow and deliberate exploration of each other and not the goal  

After Cass everything changed for Lexa; she lost pretty much all interest in anything that _wasn't_ about the blonde. Every day and every night - it was about all about Cass. She technically still lived with Anya, but spent every night in the blonde's bed. And mostly every day as well.

Cassandra Fordham was a brilliant and wildly successful hedge fund manager by day and an absolute hell cat in the sheets at night. She was older than Lexa by 8 years and was powerfully connected both politically and financially. She was tall, blonde, elegant, imposing and the most stunning person Lexa had ever seen.

While the rest of the world was intimidated by the beautiful, influential and cutthroat business woman - Lexa could shatter her into little pieces with just a look.

Their chemistry was electric. While they may have only made love during their first few days tougher, they certainly made up for it by fucking as much as possible whenever possible. And they quickly made up games like children do but with very adult themes.

Lexa loved nothing more than to be forced down to her knees by the older blonde's fist in her hair as she barked orders like a stern headmistress. She also loved thrusting the silicone dildo attached to her hips between the handcuffed blonde's pretty, lipstick smeared lips.

Yeah, Cassandra liked it kinky and Lexa was a fast learner. Cass had been the person to show Lexa that pain, thoughtfully inflicted or applied, could be a source of great pleasure. And it was, incredibly and addictively so. Lexa happily lost herself to a world of power play and blood and kink. And she fucking loved it.

Cass traveled a few times every month to places like Toyko, London and New York, but wanted to have someplace to call home when she was in town with Lexa, so she leased a large and airy flat downtown. They easily shared that space just as they had that hotel room on the very first night.

When Cass was away, as she often was, they would text and talk on the phone pretty much every night, they would also send each other nude selfies. Lexa would put on the expensive lingerie Cass liked her to wear. She had bought Lexa lacy bustiers and crotch less panties - all extremely expensive and classy, and often when Cass was away she would lay on the bed dressed in only those items and take photos and videos of her pleasuring herself; knowing what the images would do to Cassandra wherever she was. Lexa was in love for the first time and she felt utterly happy and content.

The Fordham family were known worldwide in both business and political circles, and Lexa fully understood the need for secrecy as it could hurt not only Cass, but her family as well. They didn't go out much in public together and when they did, Cass had a strict no PDA rule.

And for the first year, Lexa didn't really mind. She didn't need or want anyone else when she had a beauty like Cass in front of her.

And then her trips out of town began to get longer and they seemed to argue a little more when they were together. The sex was still mind blowingly good, especially after one of their fights. Lexa was able to harness all the frustration she felt and used it to fuel the burning muscles in her forearm as she thrust into Cass like she was trying to start a fire with friction alone.

Things would be good for a few days and then she would leave again, each time promising not to stay away for long. Which she mostly did nowadays.

Being in that large apartment all alone began to grate on Lexa's sanity and many times she showed up at Anya's door with her duffel bag only to come running back as soon as Cass called.

She would inevitably show up again two nights later in tears, frustrated and angry but still obviously head over heels in love with the woman. At Anya's insistence, Lexa turned off her phone and stayed away for six days until Cass had somehow tracked her to Anya's father's house.

"A letter for you, Miss Woods." The courier handed her an envelope at the door. It was Cass's handwriting and said simply:

 _Lexa, I love you more than anything in this world. Without you, nothing matters. I don't want to live if it means being without you. Please come back, my love_.

At the bottom was Cass's thumbprint. Lexa knew it was blood as soon as she opened the letter and shielded it from Anya and her uncle as she read it. It was just like Cass to do something like that. In fact, they had both drawn blood on the other many times in the heat of their passion, but she knew her cousin wouldn't understand or approve.

Anya didn't much care for Cassandra Fordham and made no bones about sharing that opinion. She thought the blonde was arrogant and entitled. She had seen her on television and heard the rumors about her and how she treated people. Anya didn't trust her one bit, but she bit her tongue when Lexa once again, raced off to be with her.

Even if Anya _had_ stopped Lexa that night, it would not have changed anything, nor would it have saved her any pain. Cassandra still would have crashed her car that morning while texting and she still would have died. She also would have still been married with children on another continent.

The day Cassandra was killed, various media outlets were ablaze with the news. _Former prime minister's wife and mother killed in fatal automobile accident_. She had been dead for hours when Anya saw it on the news. She had a sinking feeling in her gut that Lexa knew nothing at all about this as she always slept late. She tried her cell and she picked up after two rings.

"What's up?"

"Hey, uh Lexa," Anya was trying to act casual but failing miserably. "Where are you right now?"

"Uh, at Cass's. Where are you?"

"You just wake up?"

"Mm, hmm." Anya could hear Lexa turn on the tv - the news was on.

Anya yelled into the phone. "Lexa listen to me, I need you to turn the tv off right now."

Lexa rolled her eyes dramatically, she had heard that before. _What had her mother done now? Probably pissed off the leader of a small county no doubt and it was national news._ "I don't care about her, Anya, what's the big dea-"

And then Anya heard it: _breaking news, heir to the Fordham fortune and wife of former prime minister dies in tragic auto accident._

"Lexa!" Anya yelled into the phone. "Stay where you are, I'm coming to get you."

The call had ended.

* * *

Hours later Anya was at the police station picking Lexa up after she was taken into police custody for assaulting the medical examiner's assistant when he wouldn't allow her to see Cassandra's body because she wasn't _family_. She'd got in a good punch too, but the Fordham family persuaded them to drop the charges with a large donation to the city in order to avoid a scandal.

When Anya brought Lexa home there were two men waiting for them at the front door; attorneys who had a briefcase full of cash and a non-disclosure agreement for them to sign. Lexa thrashed in Anya's arms, growling and spitting at them like a wild animal. Anya rushed her inside and asked them to leave but not before agreeing to take their business card.

When she went upstairs she found the bathroom door was locked. She knocked and knocked, but Lexa didn't answer. When she popped the lock with a kitchen knife the window was wide open and Lexa was gone.

Four days later she got the call. She had been watching the 10 o'clock news when the phone rang. She struggled with the words: _Overdose, self inflicted knife wounds, near drowning._

Anya had never been so terrified. She rushed to the emergency room where she helplessly looked at her cousin through the glass door of the operating room. Lexa had a tube down her throat, wires and monitors covered her blood soaked frame as nurses and attendants prepared her for surgery.

The surgeon came out to talk with Anya. "I think she will be stable once we stop the bleeding and get that gut wound cleaned and sutured."

 _Gut wound? Self inflicted?_ Anya's head spun with the gravity of the situation. Lexa had tried to kill herself, three ways; she overdosed on Cass's pain pills, stabbed herself in the chest and stomach and jumped off a bridge into the water.

 _Jesus fucking Christ_.

She waited helplessly next to the staffers Lexa's mother had sent in her place, for what seemed like an eternity until the doctor came out and told her Lexa had been lucky - she would live. Right then and there Anya made a decision that would change both of their lives forever.

The next day while Lexa recuperated, Anya strode into the Fordham's lawyers office in a short skirt and high heels and laid out her terms: double the initial amount offered plus a generous yearly stipend and she and Lexa would disappear from their lives forever. Everyone agreed and Anya waked out of the office eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars richer.

As soon as Lexa could move without too much pain, Anya put a real estate agent in charge of selling her flat and booked them on a first class flight to America

They rented a Mediterranean style bungalow in the Hollywood Hills with white stucco walls and a red tile roof. Lexa operated on auto pilot for the first six months. She spent a lot of time alone in the spacious garden behind the house and soon where there had previously been dirt, flowers and vegetables began to thrive. She made friends with the blue jays and the crows - often throwing them the unsalted peanuts she snacked on in the afternoons. She had also developed a tentative sort of friendship with an old ginger cat with a split ear who sometimes came around.

Anya was glad Lexa had something to focus on when she wasn't crying in her room behind a locked door, but she also worried a lot. Lexa didn't seem able to pick up the pieces and Anya feared she might try to hurt herself again. So, two nights a week, she dragged Lexa to a bereavement group in North Hollywood where she dropped her off in front and picked her up an hour later.

She had no idea if Lexa was attending the group or not. She just knew that it made her feel better.

And little by little, Lexa began to get better. She started taking regular showers and went on a few auditions. When the callbacks came though, she often ignored them until Anya nagged at her to respond.

Another year later found Lexa doing much better. She stopped moping around the house, made a few friends and managed to land a role as a series regular on a brand new family drama and she had a few feature films under her belt when the second call for The 55 came in.

Since she was finished shooting for the season on the first show, she was more than eager to be involved in another project and the role of Heda seemed like a dream come true. She accepted immediately. Being busy meant she had much less time to dwell on the past.

* * *

After her strange interaction with Clarke Griffin in makeup, she grabbed a ride back to the hotel with Monty and Raven. Lexa liked Raven very much. She was quick and funny and bright and often a little handsy. Lexa didn't mind the girl's hand holding and seemingly innocent brushes as she walked past. In fact, Raven's flirtatious behavior roused her libido for the first time in probably two full years.

She laughed at one of the girl's jokes as they rode the elevator to their floor. Monty had gone off in search of Jasper, so Lexa and Raven rode up alone. Lexa leaned against the back wall with one foot up and sighed loudly.

Raven gave her one of those razor sharp smiles and reached an arm out, casually linking their hands together. Lexa immediately felt heat radiating upwards from where their hands joined. This was something new and different.

Neither girl moved or spoke until the elevator binged, signaling their floor. Raven did not let go of Lexa's hand as she walked out onto the floor. She smiled and tugged Lexa playfully towards her own room.

Lexa let herself be led, but cleared her throat nervously while the girl fumbled with the key at the door. Raven looked at Lexa - her eyes bold and knowing. "Just for a little while, ok?"

She opened the door and held it open for Lexa, who walked into the room and closed it quietly behind her. When she turned around, Raven stared at her arms crossed, eyebrows raised. Lexa leaned softly against the door.

Raven stepped into her space, cupped the side of her cheek and whispered, "this doesn't have to mean anything. I see your sadness and I just -"

Before Raven could finish the thought, Lexa stepped forward, grabbed hold of her shoulders and silenced her with a kiss.

This was only the third person she had kissed in her entire life; it wasn't Cass and she didn't care. All she cared about right now was the feel of Raven's insistent tongue licking into her mouth. All she wanted to feel was right there in front of her - not in her mind, not in a dream. This was Raven and it was real.

They made out fully clothed on top of Raven's bed for over an hour. They had worked each other into a sweaty, panting, grinding mess. Lexa finally broke the kiss and looked down at Raven who lay underneath her. Her full lips were red and swollen from Lexa's kisses and bites.

She kissed the side of Raven's neck and followed the line from collarbone to ear with her tongue. "This was quite a surprise," she whispered throatily.

Raven gave her a quick peck on the lips and rolled off the bed, heading into the bathroom, where Lexa could hear her using the toilet. After she washed her hands, she came back out and laid on the bed next to Lexa.

"I like you," she rolled over so they were lying on their sides, looking at each other. Lexa smiled - the one that told Raven how much sadness she held inside. "And this is fun, but I'm sensing your heart's not into it - am I right?

Lexa loved Raven's directness. "I adore you, but you're right, this isn't gonna be a love connection." She met Raven's gaze which held absolutely no hurt or disappointment, which made her feel much lighter. "It is kinda fun making out with you, though," she added. Something that made Raven smile a whole lot bigger.

"Good." She kissed Lexa with an open mouth. "Let's just have fun." They began to make out in ernest again until Lexa's stomach growled.

Raven laughed. "Go take a shower, you're coming to dinner with us tonight."

"Oh yeah, who's _us_?" Lexa flirted.

"Me, Monty, Harper and Murphy. We're going to sushi and you're coming." She tried to tousle Lexa's hair but she ducked easily. "So go take a shower, you look like you've been rolling in the hay all day with some cute girl." They both giggled and Raven kicked at Lexa playfully, trying to push her off the bed.

Lexa got up and straightened her hair and clothes. "Anyone else coming?"

"Nope, just us - apparently all the cool kids are going to see some band." She pointed towards the door. "Get going, I can't have my date being late.

Lexa put her hand to her chest in mock surprise. "Did you just ask me out on a date, Raven Reyes?"

_Apparently flirting was just like riding a bike, you never forgot how._

Raven rolled her eyes and blew Lexa a kiss. "You wish."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS you wordy types - you know who you are. You gotta give me a little happy encouragement while I write this. I needs it. Come on people, just cut and paste something nice. 
> 
> Here - use stuff like this. 
> 
> Wow, this is so cool.  
> This story is neat-o.  
> You use too many hyphens  
> Your grammar sucks but A for effort!  
> Nice job, I didn't know they had wifi in asylums.  
> This fic sucks, but I love ur use of commas.
> 
> You get the picture. I can't help it. I'm needy.


	6. Sneaky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Clarke - you sneaky little fucker.

Clarke

She's sitting in a bar drinking bourbon while watching Jasper freak out over his lost wallet.

"Will you check your purse again?"

"I already did, but fine." She opened her bag wide and showed him again. "See? Nothing. It's probably back at the hotel, I have money, just chill."

"I'm going to check the car again."

Clarke sighed. _Jasper could be such a drama queen_. "Good luck," she called after him.

She took a deep breath and stretched her arms out; she hadn't been getting much sleep lately and it was begging to take a toll. Jasper's phone chimed on the table and Clarke looked over.

 **xxx-xxx-xxxx 9:19 PM**  
It's Monty. Have ur wallet but forgot my phone, text me back on this # its Lexa's.

Clarke quickly grabbed her phone and snapped a photo of the number before Jasper came back.

"You got a text, something about Monty having your wallet."

Jasper called the number. "Hey Lexa, it's Jasper. Can I talk to Monty?" They spoke for a minute and Clarke listened intently while Jasper made plans to pick up his wallet at the Japanese restaurant down the street.

He stood up and put on his jacket. "You wait here for O and everyone else and I'll be right back."

Clarke drained her glass and stood up, pushing Jasper back down onto the barstool. "I have a better idea: you wait here and _I'll_ go get your wallet. A walk would do me good right now.

"Well then, can you get me an order of tempura and a California roll to go? I'm starving."

Clarke rolled her eyes. "Fine, but I'm paying with _your_ card and you're buying mine too."

Jasper gave her a thumbs up signal. "Ok by me."

* * *

She walked the two blocks to the restaurant quickly and without much thought. She attributed the buzz she felt in her chest and limbs to the two drinks she'd had in the span of thirty-five minutes. She rounded the corner and saw them through the window; there sat Monty, Raven and Lexa sitting close together in a booth, drinking saké and laughing.

* * *

Monty

"Hey Clarke," he called out happily. "Join us."

When he said Clarke's name, Lexa quickly scooted to the end of the booth, further away from Raven.

"Hey guys," she drawled as she slid into the booth beside Monty. "Got something for me." She raised her eyebrows and held her hand out towards Monty.

"I thought you were going to a club?" Lexa chimed in.

"I was, just came to get Jasper's wallet," the blonde countered then looked at Lexa pointedly. "I thought _you_ were tired?"

Monty and Raven watched the exchange like a tennis match.

"I was, I am - just came to get some food."

"Hmm." Clarke seemed to be weighing the credibility of the girl's words.

"Where's Jasper?" Monty interrupted, which drew Clarke's eyes away from Lexa.

"Oh he's busy playing billiards so I came to get his wallet for him," she replied casually.

Monty gave Clarke a look, but decided to let it slide. _Why had Clarke lied? Jasper hated billiards_.

* * *

Lexa

Harper and Murphy couldn't make it, so she was left with a handsy Raven and oblivious Monty - not that she had been complaining.

But now, now she was sure her entire body would spontaneously combust at any second. Before Clarke had walked in, Raven's hand had trailed up the inside of Lexa's thigh under her skirt and was slowly teasing closer to her sex. The alcohol felt good in her system - she was warm, relaxed and beginning to really enjoy Raven's touch when _she_ showed up.

She was tipsy and couldn't help herself; she challenged the blonde. "I thought you were going to a club?"

Clarke's bright blue eyes playfully assessed hers; she got lost in them for a second before she realized she was speaking. "...came to get Jasper's wallet, thought you were tired."

"I was," she stuttered like an idiot. "I am, I just came to get some food."

Clarke appraised the answer while she gave Lexa a look that suggested she might not entirely believe her.

"Hmm."

Monty interrupted and got her off the hot seat. Raven motioned towards the waiter for more saké and another menu as she poured Clarke a generous cup.

It had been over an hour yet Clarke still sat with them. They had all gorged themselves on sushi and teriyaki and of course, a lot of saké.

Lexa's phone buzzed and Clarke reached for it before she did, holding it out of her reach. "Ooh," she teased looking at the screen. "Someone called Anya, she sounds hot."

Lexa grabbed the phone and silenced the ringer. "Unfortunately it's not that exciting," she said somewhat sarcastically. "And if you must _know_ , Anya is my cousin."

Clarke didn't miss a beat. "So you're single, then?"

Lexa felt her cheeks turn hot, but she maintained her cool. She rolled her eyes and answered, "obviously," before she turned her face away and avoided the blonde's eyes altogether.  

* * *

Clarke

Something was going on. Clarke could sense it the moment she walked up by the way Lexa had abruptly slid away from Raven to the other side of the booth.

It was all she could do to maintain any semblance of composure when Lexa looked at her and challenged her like that. _Jesus she was intense_. Thank goodness, Monty had interrupted when he did or Clarke feared she might have said something stupid. Or rather, something more stupid.

But then the alcohol started to flow a bit more freely, the lights in the dining room were dimmed and they all began to relax and have a good time.

With liquid courage running through her veins, she was brave enough to look at Lexa without immediately averting her gaze when Lexa made eye contact. The way the brunette looked at her made Clarke feel frightened and excited all at once.

And when Lexa's mobile rang, Clarke couldn't help herself. _Anya, wonder if that's her girlfriend?_

Guess she wasn't banging Anya, but Clarke wasn't so sure she wasn't banging Raven. Clarke had always loved Raven and wholly accepted her free-loving ways, but right now she felt catty and jealous. And drunk. It should be noted that Clarke was very drunk.

When Raven got up to use the restroom, Clarke ordered another bottle of saké. Monty had been busily playing a game on his phone and didn't look up.

Lexa's eyes were challenging. "Maybe you should slow down."

Clarke smirked. "I will if you will."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Clarke put on her best innocent face and motioned between Lexa and where Raven had sat, as if to say _between you two_.

Lexa scrunched up her nose in the cutest way possible and simply looked confused. Clarke's head was spinning, but she felt good. Really good.

She sat up straighter and leaned her face in towards Lexa's. "So," she raised her eyebrows and whispered. "Are you two?"

"No, Clarke." Lexa popped the K sound. It made Clarke like her name a whole lot more when Lexa said it.

Just then the waiter came with the new bottle. Before he could open it, Lexa politely declined it and asked for the check.

She looked at Lexa incredulously. "That was mine."

"You don't need it," she stated evenly, not looking up as she took out her credit card.

Clarke quickly reached for the bill in Lexa's hand, snapping it up by the corner. "Let me get this."

The blonde held the bill up and out of Lexa's reach as the brunette argued with her. She stood up and tried to run to the cashier with it, but Lexa easily caught up with her and hit her like a linebacker, knocking both of them to the ground amidst a cacophony of nervous laughter.

Lexa fell squarely on top of Clarke, her knee briefly sliding between her legs before she jumped back up as if she had been spring loaded. She quickly snatched the bill out of Clarke's hand and went to pay it herself, but not before giving the blonde a long, triumphant glare.

* * *

Monty saw Clarke back to the hotel safely in a taxi while Raven and Lexa decided to walk. It was only six blocks and they both had warms coats. And warm hands.

They walked hand in hand for almost a block when Raven looked at her out of the the corner of her eye and spoke. "Anything you wanna tell me?"

Lexa stopped and snapped Raven back by the hand and into her side. "Yeah," she whispered into Raven's neck. "I wanna tell you how hot you are."

Raven threw her head back and laughed throatily. "Be that as it may, I was wondering what was up with you and Griff back there." She cocked her head in the direction from whence they came.

Lexa held her at arm's length, grinned and raised her brows in innocence. "I have no idea _what_ you're talking about."

"Sure you don't. C'mere." Raven smiled knowingly, pulling Lexa in by her collar as she crashed their mouths together. They didn't talk again until they approached the hotel.

* * *

Clarke

The hotel: where an angry and tired group of people waited in the lobby. Apparently, someone who shall remain nameless, _Octavia_ , had left their bath running while falling asleep in front of the TV.

Their entire wing was flooded and the concierge were busy trying to find accommodations for everyone who had been displaced. Namely: Jasper, Octavia, Monty, Bellamy and Clarke.

It was after midnight, everyone was exhausted and most were drunk. Save for Octavia who was profusely apologizing to anyone who would listen.

They were able to put them up temporarily in small, boutique hotel down the road, but Clarke and Octavia didn't want to make the trek; they asked for any comparable suite. They were booked nearly to capacity, but they continued to look for alternatives.

Clarke asked the manager, "what about room 307?"

"You don't want that room, Clarke." Octavia chimed in.

They had all been here before and room 307 was infamous. It wasn't terrible by any means, but no one wanted it. It didn't have a terrace, only had a small window, a small bath tub and it was the only room Clarke knew of that had a door adjoined to the room next to it.

_Lexa's room._

"I really don't mind. I just don't want to make the trek to a completely different building tonight. I'll take it if it's available."

"Thank you so much for your understanding, Miss Griffin." The manager seemed relieved as he printed the key cards. "May I send up a complimentary bottle of champagne for you to enjoy?"

"No Michael, that's ok." She took the keys from his hand and batted her lashes. "But you know what I would like?"

"Of course, Miss Griffin."

"Some green apples if you have 'em."

* * *

Lexa

Before they rounded the corner to the entrance of the hotel, Raven slammed her up against a building and pinned her arms. "Gimme another kiss before we enter the land of gossip and innuendo," she demanded.

Lexa looked at her suspiciously. "You didn't seem to be too worried about that earlier today in the elevator."

"I know," she laughed. "I just wanted to slam you up against something."

"Well." Lexa kissed her teasingly. "Thank you."

* * *

All was quiet when they slipped in and rode the elevator to their floor. They walked the hallway together with their pinkies linked until Lexa got to her door. She stood with her back against it and looked at Raven. Their eyes did all the talking.

So much of Lexa wanted to. Looking into Raven's eyes, she could physically feel the sexual energy between them. Physical chemistry wasn't the problem, it was her heart and right now, her heart said no.

She ran the back of her hand over Raven's cheek. "Sleep well," she whispered.

The recognition in Raven's eyes made the choice much easier to swallow. They were just friends - no one was gonna get their heart broken here, but Lexa knew her heart wasn't ready for even casual sex. Not yet anyway.

Raven smirked and cocked her head. She roughly kissed Lexa and patted her cheek twice before walking away, whispering over her shoulder, "goodnight, you little pussy magnet."

Lexa held out her arms in innocence. "What are you taking about?" she whispered dramatically.

Raven backed away but continued to look at Lexa knowingly. "Don't try to deny it," she teased. "I'm onto you." She pointed a finger at Lexa before turning around and walking off.

* * *

It had been a grueling week and she was exhausted. She made quick work of her bedtime routine.and was brushing her teeth when her phone buzzed.

 **Unknown number 12:54 AM**  
I thought u said u were single ??

She knew exactly who it was - she didn't even need time to think, but she did wonder how she'd gotten her number. Evidently, Clarke Griffin was a sneaky little fucker.

 **LW 12:55 AM**  
Real mature of you

 **Unknown number 12:55 AM**  
I never lied and said I was mature when I'm clearly not

 **Unknown number 12:55 AM**  
Kind of like ur clearly not single

 **LW 12:55 AM**  
I didn't lie

 **LW 12:55 AM**  
And I am single. Wtf are you talking about?

 **Unknown number 12:55 AM**  
Forgive me if I'm wrong but 'single' ppl don't usually make out with cute chicks in the hallway 

 **Unknown number 12:55 AM**  
Or do they?

 **LW 12:56 AM**  
Well look at you, so clever bc you saw me on some security footage

 **LW 12:56 AM**  
Congratulations

 **LW 12:56 AM**  
You figured me out!!

 **Unknown number 12:56 AM**  
(sad face emojis with a broken heart) I'm sorry. I was just teasing

 **Unknown number 12:58 AM**  
I didn't mean to upset u. I was teasing. Sometimes I have an awful sense of humor.

 **Clarke 1:12 AM**  
This is gonna sound dumb but I kinda had fun with u tonight

 **Clarke 1:14 AM**  
Ok, I'm going to bed now. I'm really sorry I didn't mean to hurt you

 **LW 1:14 AM**  
You didn't hurt me

 **Clarke 1:14 AM**  
(Smily face emoji) speaking of hurt, you kinda tackled me

 **LW 1:14 AM**  
Goodnight, Clarke 

 **Clarke 1:15 AM**  
Goodnight, Lexa

 **Clarke 1:15 AM**  
Sweet dreams  

Lexa smiled, silenced her phone and fell promptly to sleep. 


	7. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa has a dream + Clexa texts + Raven & Lexa flirt

Lexa 

_She's roughly forcing your legs apart, licking and biting the insides of your thighs just the way you love. You tangle your fingers in that glorious blonde hair and pull her mouth closer to where you want it /need it the most._

_Desire begins to grow out of control when you feel her hot breath on you  - arching your back and spreading your legs wider, you whimper. "Please baby."_

_And finally you are rewarded as a warm, wet tongue swirls expertly over your entrance making you twitch and moan, and then higher, softly lapping at your clit. Your orgasm is fast approaching, building like a raging inferno as she licks and teases. She'll drive you to the edge of sanity but keeps pulling you back at the very last moment._

_And then you remember; Cass never lets you orgasm without permission._

_"Please, baby. Please let me come." You can hardly control your trembling legs, your whole body tenses in anticipation of the release that is just out of reach, if only she would move her tongue a little faster. "Please."_

_"Sure you've earned it?" Comes the sultry voice from between your legs._

_"Yessss," you hiss as the blonde begins quickly flicking the tip of her tongue over an area that drives you wild._

_"Come in my mouth, Lexa."_

_You groan obscenely; words like that send you reeling. You grab the blonde's hair harder._

_Increasing the tempo of her licks, she cruelly drives two fingers into you up to the knuckle. Within seconds, a surge of pleasure is crashing through you. You try to lift your hips off the bed entirely, but her strong arms hold you down as her tongue and fingers coax a second, mind blowing orgasm from your depths._

_You lay there boneless and utterly content as you push a mass of blonde away. There was so much hair. Your voice sounds odd to your own ears as you speak. "God, I love you."_

_"Ditto," she coos, gently biting your hip as she looks up at you with the bluest eyes you have ever seen._

* * *

Sheawoke with a start, sweaty and tangled up in the sheets.

_Holy fuck. What was that?_

She can't quite believe it. She seldom dreamt of Cass and erotic dreams were even rarer. But Clarke Griffin? Really?

She reached for a bottle of water and took a long swallow before grabbing her phone - 11:09 AM. She _had_ slept late. 6 texts and 1 missed call.

 **Raven 9:35 AM**  
Good morning, lil magnet. Feeling chipper today? Let's grab brekkie

 **Anya 9:37 AM**  
Happy Saturday. How are you? (Jellyfish + heart emojis)

 **Raven 9:42 AM**  
Dude, ur still asleep???

 **Raven 9:42 AM**  
Lame (robot and poop emojis)

 **Raven 10:39 AM**  
R u dead?

 **Clarke 10:58 AM**  
Good morning babe (sunshine emoji) still mad at me?

_Babe?_

She typed quickly and without thinking.

 **LW 11:11 AM**  
I was never mad

She groaned and flung her phone onto the bed beside her - furious at herself. Why had she sent that? Raven was the one she should be building a relationship with and certainly deserved her attention more than Clarke Griffin did.

 _Clarke fucking Griffin_.

Her phone lit up with a new text.

 **Clarke 11:12 AM**  
U sure?

 **LW 11:12 AM**  
Fairly

Three dots appeared; of course she was texting back. Clarke Griffin was a nuisance; a blonde haired, blue eyed menace.

_Well fuck that._

She got up and opened the drapes. Ugh. Another cloudy, grey day. She put her hair up and reached for her phone. She should call Anya back and text Raven.

 **Clarke 11:12 AM**  
U don't sound sure

 **LW 11:14 AM**  
I am

 **Clarke 11:15 AM**  
Have u eaten yet?

Lexa smirked and immediately thought - _no, but you did_.

_Jesus. Get your mind out of the gutter._

She exhaled and shook her head from side to side.

_Jesus this girl._

**LW 11:16 AM**  
Prob going to with Raven

 **Clarke 11:16 AM**  
Can I come?

She smiled and bit the corner of her lip.

 **LW 11:16 AM**  
No

 **Clarke 11:16 AM**  
Wow. I didn't believe the rumors before, but I do now

_What rumors????_

**Clarke 11:16 AM**  
U r mean and ruthless, Lexa Woods

Ha ha. Anyone who had worked with Lexa knew she was the ultimate sweetheart.

 **LW 11:17 AM**  
Yeah well sorry but you burned 300 of my warriors alive

 **Clarke 11:17 AM**  
Lmao. Can't keep it in ur pants, huh??

 **LW 11:17 AM**  
Excuse me?

 **Clarke 11:17 AM**  
Ur a little premature - ur not meant to say that to me until Monday

 **LW 11:18 AM**  
sorry about that

 **Clarke 11:18 AM**  
No ur not. But I have better plans anyway, I don't need ur charity breakfast :p

She didn't know what to say to that so she texted Raven.

 **Lexa 11:18 AM**  
Still up for food?

 **Raven 11:19 AM**  
Good morning. Tell me what u like and I'll come to u

Lexa blushed and widened her eyes.

 **Raven 11:19 AM**  
I meant food-wise, sorry

 **Lexa 11:19 AM**  
Anything you like, just nothing banana - I have no love for them

 **Raven 11:19 AM**  
I'll keep that in mind ;) see u in 10

 **Lexa 11:19 AM**  
Better make it 15, I have to shower

 **Raven 11:19 AM**  
Does that mean ur gonna be wet when I get there?

Lexa grinned and replied.

 **Lexa 11:20 AM**  
Guess you'll just have to find out when u get here

She put down the phone and went into the bathroom.

* * *

 


	8. The Secrets We Keep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Libidinous Lexa + Confused Clarke + Raven being Raven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, you kids are tough! I love it. Thanks so much for reading my bs and keep them comments comin. xxx

Clarke

What was she doing? This was ridiculous. Here she was: in Canada, in a crappy hotel suite, on a cold Saturday morning with all these scary feelings fucking her up.

Alone as usual.

She looked at her phone again.

 **LW 11:18 AM**  
sorry about that

 **Clarke 11:18 AM**  
No ur not. But I have better plans anyway, I don't need ur charity breakfast :p

True, she didn't need it but she wanted it. Why? What exactly did she want and why?

For the first time since she had been on set this season, she pulled up her contacts and scrolled to Dr. Olivia Wilson, her therapist. She hit the call button and got the woman's voicemail.

"Hey, Olivia, it's Clarke Griffin calling. I was hoping we could have a phone session today if possible. I, uh... I'm going through some stuff that I need to talk about."

She left her callback number and hung up.

Now what? Despite what she had texted Lexa, she didn't have plans - she never did.

* * *

Lexa

She peeled off her wife beater and started the water while she rid herself of the skimpy grey sweatpants she had worn to bed and stepped into the shower.

She grabbed the shower gel and squirted a generous amount into her palms, inhaling the rich, deep scent of coconut. She rubbed the slick gel into her skin, loving the way her fingers slid over her curves and made her skin tingle with heat. As she washed her breasts, arousal ignited low in her belly.

She felt an energy in her body that she hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. As she continued to run her slick hands over her skin, a surge of heat crested between her legs, making her dizzy.

She slid her hand lower, letting her fingers brush lightly across her sensitive mound and then further. She dipped a finger into her soft folds, gasping out loud at the way her body seemed to come alive under her fingertip. She was so wet.

 _Jesus_.

She slowly inserted a finger and then one more - she was so hot and wet as she pumped in and out. Propping a leg up on the wall, she quickly enlisted the help of her other hand. She swirled her fingers over her clit, moaning as her legs and body tightened and flexed. Her orgasm was coming fast, but at the last second, before she could stop herself, an image formed in her mind.

An image of Clarke Griffin kneeling before her. With her hands tied behind her back, being forced to lick her to orgasm.

_Oh fuck._

Increasing the pace, she fingered herself while stroking her clit all the while imagining that her fingers were Clarke Griffin's tongue. It didn't take long - she clamped her eyes shut and rode the crest of one of the most powerful orgasms she'd ever had with the soft sound of _Clarke_ on her lips.

She immediately slumped to her knees and choked back a sob as the warm water cascaded down onto her head and shoulders. After a moment, she gripped the ledge and pulled herself to her feet. She was ok. This didn't mean anything.

She laughed at herself then - actually threw back her head and laughed; the sound reverberated off the tiled walls. Shaking her head at her own foolishness, she shampooed and conditioned her hair and was just about to turn the water off when she heard a faint knock at the door.

* * *

Clarke

_Olivia Wilson calling_.

She picked up on the second ring.

"Hello, Clarke," came the pleasant voice on the other end of the phone. "What's going on right now?"

She leaned back against the pillows and sighed. Did she really want to get into all this? Again? Whether she wanted to was beside the point; she _needed_ to.

She took a long, deep breath and told Olivia about the dream she'd had years earlier. Vaguely.

The woman listened without comment until it was clear Clarke was finished. "Are you worried you might be gay?"

"No, that's not it. It's just-"

 _Was was it just_?

She lit another cigarette. "It's just that, this person is here and I feel like I'm chasing her and I can't stop myself."

"You've had impulse control problems before and I don't necessarily think it's due to any specific person in your life."

"Yeah, I know." She sighed. "But, the thing is, you know how easy it is for me to fall into the physical before all the other parts are there?"

"Yes."

"Well with her, it's like - it's like, I feel connected to her in a strange, like elevated way. Like aside from how I normally am with guys - I always want to climb them like Mt. Everest, like its a challenge or something, and then I'm left with all this emptiness inside afterwards and I hate myself. But with her, like, I feel like I just want to make her happy. Does that sound weird?"

"No Clarke, it doesn't sound weird. What I hear you saying is you think you might have real feelings for this girl, is that correct?"

"Yeah," she swallowed. "I think I do."

"Ok, well let's explore that."

"Ok. Um, I don't really know how." She looked out her tiny window and sighed heavily.

* * *

Lexa

Was indeed dripping wet as she answered the door wrapped in a towel.

"Wow," Raven whistled under her breath as she barged in with a tray of assorted pastries, fruit and coffee. "You weren't kidding." She playfully nudged Lexa with her shoulder as she walked to the table and set the tray down.

Lexa returned to the bathroom and put on a robe, wrapping her hair in a towel before joining a smirking Raven on the bed.

Raven sniffed the air suspiciously. "Have you been smoking in here?"

"God no," Lexa replied with a scowl  "I hate cigarettes." 

"Me too," Raven said while she hungrily looked Lexa up and down. "Your cheeks are so rosy from your shower." 

Lexa allowed herself a small grin. Her cheeks weren't exactly red from the shower alone. She looked at the assortment of items Raven had brought, noting with a smile the absence of bananas.

Sitting in her robe on the bed with Raven after making herself come in the shower only minutes earlier, she felt reckless and bold - things she hadn't felt in a long, long time. She leaned over the tray and brought her lips close to Raven's.

"Good morning," she whispered, grazing the other girl's lips lightly with her own and then wickedly teasing the tip of her tongue once along the edge of Raven's bottom lip.

Raven retreated abruptly and sat back on her knees, smiling. "I can't figure you out."

Lexa, who was more than content to let her robe fall open exposing much of her chest and legs moments ago, now pulled the fabric closer around her. She looked at Raven and tried to gauge her mood before answering. This was a role she fell into easily being that she often had to do the same with Cass and her moods.

But with Raven, she felt no need for strategy. She relaxed and grabbed the other girl's hand. "What do you want to figure out?"

"Well," she said, reaching for the carafe of coffee. "You're like 'come here' one moment, and 'go away' the next. I don't know what you want from me."

"I know." Lexa sighed and put her hands over her face. She felt like a total idiot. "I know and I'm sorry."

"Hey." Raven tried to pull her hands away from her face. "Hey," she soothed. "I like you a lot and I thought maybe we could have some fun, but I'm sensing something bigger happening with you and please don't get mad but-"

She looked at Lexa, anticipating her response. 

"But?" She looked a Raven with raised eyebrows.

"But" she looked Lexa in the eye before she continued. "I have the feeling it has something to do with Clarke."

* * *

Her whole face went hot and she closed her eyes; something she used to do as a kid when she felt embarrassed or ashamed; trying to hide.

"Hey." Raven's voice was gentle as she took both of Lexa's hands in her own. "Hey, look at me."

Lexa kept her eyes closed - the shame of being called out twisting all her insides all around.

"Lexa," Raven began again. "Listen, I completely know what it's like to pine for someone but the difference is..."

Lexa looked up.

"The difference is, with you and Clarke, you actually have a chance."

Lexa let out a sharp cry of disgust. This wasn't about Clarke it was about Cass. Clarke was simply a - a _what_?

Never mind Clarke for now.

She opened her eyes and through copious amount of tears, told Raven all about Cass: how she'd been Lexa's first and only, how she had lied about everything in her life and then finally, how she had died suddenly without Lexa ever really knowing who she was. She of course, left out the parts about self harming and overdosing on pain pills.

Raven's heart broke for the girl. "Wow," she sighed, holding onto Lexa's hand. "She was married with kids and you never knew?"

Lexa shook her head and tried her best to hold back the tears.

"And you're so sad but-" Raven tried to catch her eye, but she kept averting her gaze. She soothed her thumb over Lexa's knuckles. "Don't you ever get mad?"

"Not really, no." It was the same thing Anya had asked her when she dared bring up the subject, which wasn't very often.

"Why not?"

She looked up through bloodshot eyes and said the same thing she always did. "I don't know."

But maybe in some small way, she was finally beginning to.

* * *

After Raven held her for over an hour, the tears subsided and she felt somewhat better. Sniffling into her sleeve, she spoke. "I'm so sorry about all this."

"Sorry?" Raven laughed. "Dude, you've been carrying this shit around for so long, it's made you silly. Don't ever be sorry with me, understand?"

She laughed. "Ok."

"You're not gonna lose me as a friend just cause we almost boned." Raven could be so eloquent sometimes.

"So are you gonna tell me about you and Clarke?"

She sighed. What was there to tell? It was one of the few times Lexa spoke without carefully choosing her words. "Clarke looks similar to _her_. And, I guess that's the issue."

"What issue?" Raven demanded.

Lexa groaned. "There's no issue. She just, I'm just-"

"Attracted to her?"

She shook her head quickly. "Not really, 'cause I mean she's wild and unpredictable and annoying as hell. Not to mention, straight as an arrow."

"So, you aren't attracted to her at all, yet you've figured out her sexually already. Hmm, interesting." She raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"Shut up." She punched Raven playfully in the leg.

"Well," since you've spilled I guess I should too."

Lexa's eyes lit up, this sounded juicy. "What?"

Raven sighed and rolled her eyes. "Well, if you must know," she began, "I've been in love with Octavia for like two years."

 


	9. Cigarettes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke creeps + they argue like jerks + Lexa creeps

Lexa

She looked at Raven with surprise, she never would have guessed nor did she know how much or little Raven wanted to talk about it.

She waited for Raven to continue, but apparently that was the gist of her declaration. _Oh no, follow up was definitely needed here._

"Uh, care to elaborate? I pretty much just told you my deepest secret."

Raven gave a smile that belied the brief sadness that flashed in her eyes. She pursed her lips and waved a hand dismissively. "Nothing really to explain. We had a weekend together and after that we came back to work and both acted like it never happened."

She could see the pain on Raven's face, the chink in her mostly indestructible armor. Her voice was low, careful. "Does she know how you feel?"

She choked back one single tear, before allowing the trademark grin envelop her face. "Yeah," she exhaled loudly, dramatically. "She knows."

* * *

Clarke

This room really did suck. She was rethinking her strategy. Or rather, she became ruefully aware that she'd _had_ no strategy when making the decision to move in next to Lexa.

Right next door. A thin wall away from the girl who seemed to be entertaining Raven at this very moment. She hated herself for it, but not enough to actually stop as she held a drinking glass to the wall above her bed.

Murmured voices. Low talking. She listened further, holding her breath. She listened, waiting for any sounds of passion she knew would send her jealously into a panic, but there seemed to be none. Only low talking, conspiratorial voices. Nothing like she'd thought or imagined she'd heard the night before in the hallway as Raven and Lexa parted.

Maybe they were just friends. Clarke smiled, while a strange sort of hope blossomed anew.

* * *

**Monday**

Lexa

It was the first day that Lexa wore Heda's armor. And not only that, she wore the _warpaint_. Upon the transformation, she felt a new boldness simmer and surge through her like tiny jolts of white hot lightning.

It was the first time that hers and Clarke's character would meet and although they were only shooting an episode of a stupid television show, the real life parallel simply could not be ignored and wasn't. Seemingly by either of them.

When Clarke's character walked onto the set and into Heda's tent, Lexa felt more alive than she could ever remember in her short life. It was like an elixir of the gods, some might have described it as heroin-like - all Lexa felt was raw and primal and powerful. And good. God, she felt fucking great.

She sat and twirled the dagger point against her fingertip. "You're the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive."

"You're the one who sent them there, aw shit!"

-Take 2-

"You're the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive."

"You're the one who... killed 300. Shit, sorry!" Clarke's face was getting redder.

-Take 4-

"You're the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive."

"You're the one who sent them - ugh. Sorry, everyone!"

While they eventually got the take, Clarke was clearly experiencing some difficulty. Lexa grinned inwardly, humming softly to herself between takes.

* * *

Clarke

Lexa had no right to sit there looking so goddamn perfect. So smug: those glittering green eyes seeming to mock her every move. That jaw, those cheeks, those hands.

Those eyes.

 _Deep breath_.

As they went into their next scene together Clarke felt the tenuous grip of panic that had been clutched around her throat loosen just as Lexa probably felt it tighten around hers.

It was the Costia scene - they were shooting out of sequence.

* * *

 Lexa

"I lost someone special to me too. Her name was Cass-"

Clarke's eyes widened for nanosecond before she interrupted Lexa's flubbed line - _and started spitting on the ground in a fit_.

"Uh, ug!" She spat. "I think a bug just flew in my mouth. Gross!" Lexa watched in disbelief as the blonde walked away, spitting and complaining like a teenager.

The sudden wave of sadness that had crashed over her seconds earlier loosened a little as she watched Clarke have what could politely be called a hissy fit.

* * *

Clarke

There had been no bug.

Only a sudden and undeniable desire to protect Lexa at all costs. She remembered that time years ago, when Lexa thought she was giving a friendly stranger help in that bathroom of that club.

 _Cass_. She'd remembered the name. Lexa had been there unselfishly trying to help someone she thought was in need of some small kindness and that woman had entered. The tall, older blonde who looked like a model.

She replayed the conversation over again as she had so many times before. The memory was etched into her mind, worn into a deep groove in her memory from playing so often.

_"You still there?" The rich, sweet voice on the other side of the stall asked._

_"Yeah." She put her hand against her side of the door, desperate for some kind of contact._

_"is it ok if I hand you something under the door?"_

_"Yeah."_

_Graceful fingers produced a bottle of water and a small packet of paracetamol. Lexa's voice was so silky soft. "Are you ok?"_

_"Not really, no."_

_Lexa paused."You don't just mean tonight."_

_"No," Clarke had replied._

_"I know what that feels like."_

_"What the fuck, Lexa?" That clipped, angry voice. "You leave me out there alone just so you can come play nursemaid to some stranger in the toilet?"_

_"Sorry," she whispered through the door. Then her voice took on a sharp, exhausted edge. "Don't forget **Cass** , that's exactly where you found me."_

That had been the night Lexa told Clarke that she would have stayed with her all night if she could have.

And Clarke had believed her.

They both returned to their marks and the scene went off without any further problems but Clarke knew intuitively that the pain in Lexa's eyes was real.

* * *

Lexa

It was the end of their scenes for the day. It had been a long one.

The blonde approached, tiptoeing around as if Lexa might break. _The nerve of her._

"Hey." Her voice was low, conspiratorial. "I'm sorry about -- out there, I didn't mean to -- I mean I'm usually not that bad at my lines. I just don't want you to think I'm unprofessional.

Clarke was so arrogant.

"It's not about you, Clarke. Not everything is about you." Lexa spat the words out more venomously than she intended.

The blonde's head whipped around, her eyes angry and _hurt_? "Fine," she said sharply, grabbing her bag and jacket and heading for the door. "I don't even know why I try with you."

Trying? Oh that was rich.

If this was Clarke trying, she would hate to see how fucked up things could get when she wasn't.

* * *

That night there was a cast and crew dinner at some winery somewhere for some stupid reason. Lexa did not want to attend.

"You have to." It was Raven lounged on the bed. Raven, who had seemed to easily take up residence in her room now that their relationship status had been relegated to 'just friends'.

"Wear this." Raven ran her hands across the buttery soft leather of Lexa's feminine cut biker jacket that hung on the chair. "You look hot in this."

After Raven left with the promise of kicking Lexa's ass if she didn't show, she showered quickly and got ready.

She wore a thin black tee that hugged her chest and abs like a glove - sleeves cut off, of course. And tight, slim faded jeans. And heels. Tonight she felt like being a little taller and she smiled to herself as she took in her image in the mirror. She felt good as she slipped on the soft leather jacket and went to meet Raven in the lobby.

* * *

"Yes, Miss Griffin. Of course, Miss Griffin."

From behind a wall of plants, Lexa smirked while she watched as a young bellboy flirted with the blonde.

"Anything you need, Miss Griffin, day or night."

Lexa suspected she knew what he meant by that.

She shook her head. The creepy sides of fame were becoming all too familiar to her; people always seemed to want something from you aside from simply the person you were. She almost felt the need to step in as the boy's attentions seemed to become more persistent, but she needn't have worried. Clarke dismissed him with confident ease.

"I'll keep that in mind, Angus." She smirked devilishly and licked her lips while eyeing him like a piece of meat, turning the tables and objectifying the boy right back.

"Uh," he blushed and retreated quickly. "It's Andrew."

"Thanks, Angus. You can go now." She turned away from the boy. And when those blue eyes went back to looking at her phone, Lexa felt freer to stare and she watched as the girl lit a cigarette and those serious, pink lips took a long drag.

There she sat. Clarke Griffin, dressed in tight black jeans and a thin, low cut sweater. Drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette, engrossed in her phone. It was the cigarette that made Lexa notice those lips. Now that Clarke's eyes were cast down toward her phone, she had nothing else to do except watch that mouth smoking, and though she couldn’t have said why it was so alluring or described the beauty of its fullness, she could not stop herself from watching it. She watched as Clarke's lipstick left a visible trace on the end of that cigarette.

Lexa hated cigarettes, but she had never wanted to be one so much as she did now, watching as Clarke slipped the tip in between her lips and sucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say, y'all ain't keeping up yer end of the bargain.  
> I write shit - you make nice litte comments.  
> Try it.


	10. Goddamn Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa flirts + Clarke drinks & gets hella jealous.  
> They fight and Clarke surprises Lexa in a most unexpected way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a song referenced in this chap that was inspired by this  
> [song ](http://youtu.be/OGDkg3QiJmk). I don't know, I just heard it and I thought, yeah that fits. It's silly, but I like it.   
> I highly recommend you at least listen to it for a second.  
> Don't judge me binches. xxx

Clarke

She wasn't about to get on that goddamn shuttle with almost everyone else. No thank you. After the day she'd had, she just wanted to get this night over as soon and painlessly as possible. She would drive her rental SUV to the dinner so she could leave when she wished.

And, if she was being honest - after today's debacle on the set, she wanted to avoid Lexa as much as possible.

She looked around from her seat outside the hotel, waiting for Jasper and Monty so they could all drive together.

"Hey pretty lady." Jasper whistled under his breath as he and Monty strolled up. He eyed Clarke appreciatively.

Just then the valet brought Clarke's black SUV around, Jasper yelling, "shotgun!" as he raced to beat his friend to the front seat. A good natured tussle ensued but all three were in the car and taking large hits off Monty's vaporizer within minutes.

They drove about 18 miles south, up steep curves and through the trees, past a quaint little logging village with only three buildings: a post office, a laundry and a tavern. Just four business for one whole town - if you counted when the laundry doubled as a Chinese takeout in the summers.

A hairpin turn off the steep main road climbed the last mile leading up to the estate where they leveled out and were afforded a stunning view of the hills and the chateau-like main building built into the side of the mountain. The artist in Clarke found itself briefly inspired by the rich hues of reds and golds as she watched the last of the sun set on the fall leaves and the dense green foliage.

She shook her head to clear it. She had no desire to be romantic, empathetic Clarke tonight. She wanted to laugh - to be loud and bold she decided; she didn't want to care.

She wanted to party.

* * *

Lexa

She had arrived on the shuttle with Raven and Octavia who both sat next to each other on either sides on the aisle. Lexa was quiet as she studied their body language for any tells of what Raven had confided.

Everyone seemed to be in strange moods this evening. Lexa knew she felt off and something about the way Raven tried to tame that megawatt smile of hers while causally chatting with Octavia told her she wasn't the only one.

She tried to relax, tonight probably wouldn't be that bad - there were enough people around that she could be anonymous amidst a sea of different faces.

Her phone chimed.

 **Raven 6:38 PM** - U look hot

She smiled and looked at the girl who playfully refused to acknowledge her.

 **Lexa 6:38 PM** - So do you

And she did. Raven had the kind of body that revved Lexa's engine. All curves and breasts and legs - that girl was sin on a stick and although they were just friends, Lexa did have eyes.

And a newly revived libido, apparently. Until two days ago, it had been over a year since Lexa had touched herself and only then, guiltily sobbing and thinking of--

 _No_.

She stopped herself. For once she wasn't going to let herself go there. No. She was too tired with everything that was happening now - in real life. She didn't have time for her right now too.

* * *

There was a cocktail hour with passed appetizers on trays before dinner. She had been correct, there were so many people here it was easy to fall into a sea of welcome obscurity as people chatted on and drank, seemingly oblivious to her curious eyes.

Lexa had noticed her earlier. A tall, feminine yet somehow boyishly good looking waitress who wore a very fitted, men's white starched shirt and, Lexa noted with interest, skinny suspenders. Yum. She had cropped dark hair and bright, inquiring eyes that danced with mischief when her gaze settled on Lexa.

"Try one," she scrunched up her cute, freckled nose and smiled with her tongue between her teeth.

"What are they?" She looked at the tray suspiciously.

"Well," the girl smirked, definitely flirting. "This is beef tenderloin on a potato crisp with horseradish creme fraiche."

"That's certainly a mouthful." She grinned at the girl. She was really cute.

"You have no idea." This girl was such a little flirt. Lexa loved it.

"I'm Lexa."

She didn't miss a beat. "I'm Ali."

She raised her eyebrows. This girl sure was bold. That fire in her belly was back and her body felt tingly and alive. "It's very nice to meet you."

The girl traced an index finger down Lexa's bicep. "You too," was all she said before she walked off and was lost to a throng of hungry guests.

Her phone vibrated.

 **Raven 7:19 PM** - Pussy. Magnet. (Cat face with heart eye emoji)

She grinned like a cat who swallowed the canary and went off in search of a Raven.

* * *

Clarke

She saw her almost as soon as she had walked into the place with Monty and Jasper on either arm. There was Lexa with Raven _and_  Octavia - hmm, something was up again with those two.

But there she was. Clarke pursed her lips and sucked in a lungful of air as she prepared herself for tonight. Lexa looked incredible. It was criminal how good she looked in those jeans and that jacket and - Jesus - those fucking shoes. She swooned internally as Jasper handed her a glass of good champagne.

He held his glass up near hers while he made deep, meaningful eye contact. "You wanna get fucked up?"

They clinked glasses.

"Ab-so-fucking-loutely."

* * *

Of course they were seated near each other. Of course. Two 30-foot long oak tables in the massive wine cellar and she was seated right in Clarke's view.

Great.

She was on her fourth glass of champagne or maybe it was her fifth. _Whatever_. Jasper was there and Octavia was there and they had this sinfully delicious food. Things were fantastic.

She chatted with Octavia about how all Bond Films were _not_ the same when she noticed it. That adorable waitress was flirting with Lexa. Looking her in the eye all sweet and suggestive like, _I'm so hot and you're so hot, lets do it right now on the floor._

Touching her on the shoulder. Those shoulders. Lexa had taken off her jacket. Guess she didn't wear it every waking moment like she did in Clarke's imagination.

And here she was, sitting diagonally across from her, bare shouldered, looking like that and chatting with that fucking waitress. Clarke had a brief but monumental urge to lunge at the girl's throat.

Clarke was drunk and Lexa was hot.

She stole another glance and had the fortune/misfortune of catching those eyes. She stopped breathing. Never in her life or in the history of the world - from every blade of grass to the the depths of the sea, had there ever existed a more heartbreaking color.

 _'Hi'_ Lexa mouthed.

She closed her eyes and rolled them back into her head for a moment.

 _'Hi'_ she mouthed back.

Lexa actually smiled at her.

Bare shouldered, Lexa looked so small here, quiet for the most part, siting in between Bellamy and Murphy. Clarke felt the impulse to wrap her arms around her when everyone's favorite waitress reappeared.

Fantastic.

She couldn't hear what was said but she knew it was under the guise of ' _how's everything, Miss Woods, a.k.a. I wanna stick my tongue in your mouth right now.'_

More champagne. Yesss.

* * *

Lexa

Clarke seemed drunk but was, for the most part, keeping her distance. She _was_ stealing glances, that much Lexa could see and would be lying if she said that it didn't thrill her on some level. She suddenly began to feel badly for snapping at her on-set this afternoon

There was no denying it now, Lexa wanted her. Physically. Clarke _had_ to know, a little bit, somewhere in the back of her flirty, straight girl mind, but she kept a buffer between them, keeping herself just out of arms reach.

Which was a good thing.

Ali came to pour more champagne for everyone, reaching over Lexa as she did so. "I get off in 20 minutes," she whispered.

Lexa grinned. The suggestive tone in the girl's voice sent a white hot bolt of electricity though her body.

She looked up at the girl. "I can't," she whispered back, playful and apologetic all at once.

Ali seemed to be prepared for this. "Pity." She boldly tucked a folded scrap of paper under the collar of Lexa's shirt before she walked away, hips swaying as she did.

 **Raven 9:24 PM-** Nailed it!!! Let's get out of here

* * *

"No, Clarke, you are not fucking driving." It was Octavia, she had hold of the blonde's keys and they wrestled, the brunette quickly winning out. "Who's sober enough to drive this drunk bitch's ass back?" She scanned the room.

Who else was going to do it? Clearly there was no one else who hadn't imbibed in something tonight, save for Lexa. She climbed into the driver's seat of Clarke's massive SUV while the blonde jumped in the front - Monty, Raven and Jasper in the back.

"This gonna be so dayum fun!" Jasper declared in a hillbilly voice as they made their way down the steep hill back towards civilization.

It wasn't as bad as Lexa thought it was going to be. Pretty much everyone kept to themselves, looking at their phones or resting their heads against the seats. Everyone was pretty tired even though it was only Monday; their days were long.

Clarke sat beside her quietly,  intermittently scrolling through what looked like photos.

Lexa stole quick glances when they came to stops and when she could safely do so. She had never taken safety for granted after -- after what had happened to - after what happened.

It had been a few minutes since she'd been able to look, but she remembered the curve of Clarke's shoulder with hungry clarity as it peeked out one side of her sweater.

Lexa cleared her throat and Clarke looked up. "Do you want my jacket?" She asked, making as if to take it off.

She didn't expect Clarke's voice to be so empty of her usual flirty sarcasm. Or for it to reach inside her chest and steal the air from her lungs the way it did. "Why are you still so nice to me?"

Something in Lexa flushed from the chest up - her face felt like fire. She laughed it off. "I don't hate you, you know." She looked in the rear view mirror - no one seemed interested.

The blonde only looked out the window and pushed a lock of golden hair behind her ear. She didn't say anything.

"Clarke?" Lexa glanced over again, but the blonde didn't move or speak so she went back to concentrating on the road. They were approaching lights - that little town they had passed earlier.

Clarke pulled out her phone, the glow of which was off the charts. "There's this place here that has open mic night three days a week. Look." She waved the phone in Lexa's face.

"Yeah!" Shouted Raven. "Clarke kicks ass, you should see her!"

"Do not make me sit through another one of Clarke's impromptu and long serenades to the people of that fair establishment," Jasper groaned. "It is cruel and unusual punishment."

"Come on Lexa please?" Clarke begged, waving the phone in Lexa's face.

"Get that out of my face, Clarke." She was not playing around and wanted the blonde to get the message like right fucking now, but the harsh words only seemed to fuel her.

"Look," she whined as they drove past. "I swear you're gonna like it." She thrust the screen in Lexa's face and something snapped.

* * *

She hit the brakes in a very unsafe and unadvisable way. That is to say she slammed them, everyone's heads snapping backwards at the sudden stop. Lexa grabbed Clarke's phone, rolled down the window and threw it out into the weeds.

She put the car back into drive but before she could accelerate, the blonde grabbed the keys and exited the car, running towards the light of the tavern.

God damnit.

"What's going on?" Monty asked drunkenly.

"Nothing." She pointed at Raven who looked most alert out of the three. "You stay here and lock the doors. Do not open them for anyone who isn't me. You swear??"

Raven only had time to nod as Lexa ran off after Clarke.

"Clarke." She yelled. "Clarke!" She ran in her impossibly high shoes and caught up with her, grabbing her by the arm of her sweater that was all but falling off her shoulder.

She yanked off her jacket and awkwardly attempted to drape it around Clarke's shoulders. "I'm sorry." She stuttered as her brain tried valiantly to figure out how to explain to Clarke why she had gotten so upset about using the phone while driving.

She stammered and grabbed both of Clarke's elbows, forcing her to look at her. "I care about you."

Suddenly her jacket was being thrown in her face. "Don't you dare!" The blonde pushed her hard in the chest. "You don't get to flirt with some girl all night in front of me and then tell me that!"

Her mouth fell wide open. "I don't even know her!" It took all the self restrain she had not to slap her and forcibly yank her back to the car.

She tried to remain calm despite the fact that Clarke had carelessly endangered all of their safety.

"What's going on, Clarke?" 

Clarke's face was shiny with tears as she angrily pointed in her face . "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. She was _all over you_ , Lexa."

She ducked out of the way this time as Clarke tried to push her again. "Why do you care?" Lexa said, stretching both arms out, exposing her chest, almost shouting now.

"Why?!"

Clarke laughed loudly, sarcastically. "Take these." She held up the keys, reaching them out to Lexa who in her uneasy state, grabbed a little too late for Clarke's liking. The blonde tossed the keys into the grass beside the road and walked off in the opposite direction towards the tavern.

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit.

She turned briefly to where the keys were thrown but it was way too dark. She quickly calculated the best course of action to ensure the safety off all involved.

But she couldn't think about the rest of them right now - it wasn't possible.  Lexa left Raven, Jasper and Monty in a locked car by the side of the road, without a second thought, ran off in search of Clarke.

Her fucking heels. Goddamn stilettos and goddamn fucking Clarke. She made her way across the dusty sidewalk, taking care to step over branches and debris from the recent storm. She scanned the area as she gingerly stepped, she couldn't see the blonde anymore.

Fuck it. She slipped off her Manolo's and ran barefoot into the establishment.

Surprisingly there were a lot of people there tonight. As she scanned the crowd for that blonde hair, she noticed people of all ages, all really mellow who seemed to be in a happy, non-judgemental world of their own. She would have been able to appreciate it more if her heart wasn't pounding in her ears and she didn't feel sick with worry.

She put her heels back on and scanned the room again, this time with a taller perspective. A sweet faced older woman lazily strummed an acoustic guitar while she sang a county song that Lexa was vaguely familiar with; no one seemed to spare the lady much attention but she seemed happy enough. And then suddenly at the edge of her periphery she saw it - that flash of blonde and then those blue eyes, focused right on her as she whispered into the signing lady's ear.

She had seen her and knowing the blonde was safe, Lexa relaxed.

The woman handed Clarke her guitar and kissed her on the cheek. The blonde immediately began to strum a tune Lexa was very familiar with. She rocked back on her heels and thrust her hands in her pockets while she listened to Clarke sing.

"She said, 'Let's get out of this town  
Drive out of the city, away from the crowds.' "

No, she did not just change the pronoun. Lexa had imagined it in the same strange way she'd had that sex dream about Clarke. She was straight. Beautiful and annoying and charming but straight.

"I thought heaven can't help me now.  
Nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down

She's so tall and handsome as hell  
She's so bad but she does it so well  
I can see the end as it begins  
My one condition is"

Holy fuck. Lexa wasn't imagining it. She closed her eyes and swallowed thickly. Her legs were weak and it was a good thing the bar she was leaning against wasn't. She looked around nervously - no one paid either her or Clarke any mind.

A clutch in her stomach almost doubled her over as her thoughts raced at lightning speed. Maybe this was a bad idea. This was way too much. Maybe she should walk away. But she saw Clarke up there, eyes open and vulnerable in clothing that hung off her and exposed what Lexa feared was something that would encourage other people's lustful attention. No, she would stay until Clarke was finished. She would not leave her here alone.

"I said, ' No one has to know what we do,'  
Her hands are in my hair, her clothes are in my room  
And her voice is a familiar sound,  
Nothing lasts forever but this is getting good now

She's so tall and handsome as hell  
She's so bad but she does it so well  
And when we've had our very last kiss  
My last request it is"

The room spun as their eyes collided across the smoky, crowded room. Lexa felt as if she were underwater - her head positively spinning as she watched and listened to that sweet goddamn voice.

"Say you'll remember me  
Standing in a nice dress,  
Staring at the sunset, babe  
Red lips and rosy cheeks  
Say you'll see me again  
Even if it's just in your  
Wildest dreams,   
Wildest dreams, ooh

You see me in hindsight  
Tangled up with you all night  
Burning it down  
Someday when you leave me  
I bet these memories  
Follow you around "

"Lexa!" A tug at her elbow. "Lexa!!" It was Raven. Her cheeks became hot with the embarrassment of being caught - in what she wasn't so sure. "I'm gonna get Clarke before she ends up on the pole."

 _Yes, of course. Do that. No one wants Clarke on the pole_.

Raven stormed the stage as the blonde belted out her last verse.

"Red lips and rosy cheeks  
Say you'll see me again  
Even if it's just in your  
Wildest dreams "

Raven turned the microphone away from Clarke. "Thank you very much everyone, goodnight."

She removed the guitar strap from the blonde's shoulder and tugged her to her feet, grabbing Clarke's arm and draping it over her own shoulder. She nodded at Lexa who then turned and pushed her way out of the door and into the cold, moonless night. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are wondering why the diff format for the text messages, there was a prob with the spacing on this. If that matters to you.  
> Sometimes I beta hard, other times I'm like meh.  
> xxx


	11. Her clothes are in my room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally gets Lexa into bed

Lexa [cont]

As soon as she pushed through the door and out into the night, she gulped in large hungry mouthfuls of air. Her hands were trembling. Without bothering to remove her shoes this time, she ran off towards the SUV. Raven had Clarke in her more than capable arms and that was enough; Lexa needed to take care of Lexa which right now, meant getting as far away from the blonde as humanly possible. 

She bolted towards the car and opened the driver side door, briefly taking in the sight of the two boys in the backseat. Jasper looked to be passed out cold, his head rolled back onto the headrest, exposing his sharp Adam's apple. Monty looked up with wide eyes. 

She slid into the drivers seat and went to buckle her belt before she remembered.

The keys. Shit, that little brat had thrown them. She glanced at Monty who now appeared mostly sober. "The keys." It was a plea or maybe a prayer, made through a tightly clenched jaw.

Monty, bless him, unbuckled his seatbelt and quickly climbed over the front seat without asking questions. He sat in the passenger seat holding up a set of keys in his right hand and grinned without any hint of smugness.

"Found 'em." He smiled and held up something else then. It was Clarke's phone. The thing that had started this whole mess.

Relief immediately flooded her body. Bless you, sweet Monty. Somehow, in the short (or long, she wasn't so sure anymore), amount of time it had taken Clarke to completely dismantle Lexa, he had been able to locate not only the keys to the car, but Clarke's phone as well.

What a champ.

"Where's Clarke?" He asked just as the passenger side door snapped open.

"Christ!" It was Raven who struggled to hold up a very docile and floppy Clarke. She looked at Lexa, curling her lip in annoyance. "You're not the only one in heels, you know!" She struggled with the blonde's now dead weight.

Lexa sat there - stunned - looking at Raven with wide eyes.

"Goddamn it, Lexa." Her brows were furrowed in frustration and annoyance while she looked at her, yet completely disregarded Monty who sat directly in front of her.

"Help me." She demanded.

Just as she went to unbuckle her belt, Monty jumped out and helped Raven drag Clarke around to the back seat.

* * *

They pulled up to the hotel in silence. Raven grumbling as Clarke leaned into her drunkenly in the backseat.

Monty and Jasper hopped out the moment the car rolled to a stop, mumbling their goodnights.

Clarke made a retching sound. Great. She was probably going to be sick. Let her, it served her right. Let her barf in her own goddamn car.

A valet scurried over, opening the drivers side door. Lexa handed him the keys and pocketed the ticket as she stepped out. She stood with her hands thrust deeply into her pockets as she watched Raven help Clarke out of the backseat.

There was nothing else she could do. They were here in the light now - in public - she had to maintain some semblance of nonchalance about Clarke's condition knowing full well that the paparazzi were everywhere and even in this small, out of the way village, the wrong kind of publicity could wreak havoc on someone's reputation.

"Bad shellfish," she explained to the attendant who didn't spare Clarke even a passing glance.

Raven's angry brown eyes glared at her while she helped Clarke into the lobby as if to say, _why the fuck aren't you helping?_

She couldn't. All she could do was follow blankly, slack jawed, awaiting further instructions.

Impatient heels clicked towards them on the marble floor. "Where the fuck have you been?"

It was Octavia. She looked angry. She sounded angry as her eyes bored into Raven's.

"Another impromptu serenade." Raven tilted her head in Clarke's direction.

The blonde smiled goofily. "Hi, O," she slurred brightly.

Octavia narrowed her eyes, regarding the three of them with some level of suspicion. She grabbed hold of the blonde's arm that wasn't slung around Raven's shoulder and looked at Lexa, motioning her closer.

She grabbed Lexa's arm, motioning for her to take over leading Clarke. "You take her up." She ordered before pointing a finger at Raven. "I need to talk to you."

* * *

"Come on." She laughed nervously as she wrapped both arms around Clarke and led into the elevator, steeling herself against the feeling of the blonde's soft head on her chest as she towered over her, still wearing those heels.

The elevator doors closed with a soft ding. They were alone in the dimly lit car. Alone. Together, tangled in some strange sort of embrace.

She cautioned a look down at Clarke who all but snuggled into her neck. "Room number?"

"Mmm." She nuzzled further into her shoulder. "Is that a proposal, Miss Woods?"

Lexa tried laugh the raging fire in her blood away. "No, Miss Griffin." Her voice? What the fuck was up with her voice? The flirty undertones needed to stop, like now.

She cleared her throat and tried again, firmer this time. "I need to know your room number, Clarke."

The blonde pulled away from her, swaying briefly before righting herself by leaning an elbow against the wall of the elevator. She held up three fingers. "Three," she giggled as she went for the button.

Once the car started to move Clarke backed away from her completely, letting the wall hold her up now that she'd wiggled away from Lexa's arms. "And I don't need _you_ to help me."

 _Fine_.

Lexa looked at Clarke who had crossed her arms and tilted her head back against the wall, noting the sweet, sharp curve of her throat as the blonde swallowed.

 _Jesus_.

Her silent reverie was broken as the doors slid open with a loud ding, signaling the third floor. Her floor. Clarke didn't live up here.

But out she went. Lexa watched as the blonde strode purposely onto the carpet and down the hallway. Catching up with her easily, she grabbed an arm.

"Come on, Clarke," she said evenly. "Let's get you back to your room, you've had way too much to-"

The blonde whirled on her, eyes alight with a new mischief. "This's my room." She pointed to Lexa's door.

"No Clarke." Her voice took on an exasperated tone, similar to the one you might use when taking to a child. "That's _my_ room, where's yours?"

Clarke abruptly stopped walking, making Lexa who had been following her bump into her back. "Know what?" She turned and smiled. "I love how you say my name."

Lexa tightly set her jaw. "Where's your room, Clarke?"

Clarke smiled up at her like it was the sweetest sound she'd ever heard.

Damn, she'd said it again. She quickly shook her head and made a mental note to stop using Clarke's name so goddamn much.

The blonde was back at it again. Trying to make her fingers stand up. Her right hand made a three, while she curled her left into a crude zero. "Three oh seven." She said, pointing to the door right next to Lexa's.

A wave of understanding hit her. Octavia flooding the second floor, Clarke's suspicious knowledge of the kiss she'd shared with Raven in the privacy of the hallway and the sudden smell of cigarette smoke that seemed to permeate her every pore.

She and Clarke were neighbors.

But there was no time to dwell on that now. She grabbed the blonde and steered her to her own door. Clarke's head fell to her shoulder again. She looked up at Lexa with those blue eyes and smiled.

She bit into her own cheek. Hard. "Your key?"

Clarke started going through the pockets of her jeans, turning them inside out as she searched for the flimsy card. Just when she found it, she backed into the door and slumped to the ground. "I don't feel so good."

She picked up the key card that had fallen to the ground and slipped it easily into the lock. "I know, you've had a lot to drink."

She opened the door while simultaneously reaching a hand down to Clarke. "Come on, you." Her mouth and lips forming around the 'you' the same way it did 'Clarke' - with reverence and affection. 

That had to stop.

She was able to get Clarke into the room before she rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. It was then that she heard that horrible, familiar sound. Retching. It reverberated and echoed against the very walls of her soul.

\--

An old, painful memory flashed through her mind: her ten year old self dialing the emergency number in a panic. "I need an ambulance," she cried into the receiver as she kneeled on the bathroom floor next to her mother who she was sure was dead, lying in a pool of her own vomit.

Lexa's mother hadn't died. It was simply the first time she had seen her drink to that extent - the first time Lexa understood that there was something very, very wrong.

\--

She tried the bathroom door. Clarke had locked it. Hearing her in there, knowing she was drunk and sick and possibly in danger, Lexa did the only thing she could, the only thing that had ever been successful in the past.

Kicking off her heels, she raced to the adjacent door, unlocked it then ran out into the hallway and into her own room. She dumped her carry-on onto the floor, quickly scanning the pile of items, she found what she was after and with the shiny, Swiss Army knife in hand, she ran through the door that joined their rooms.

She knelt before the doorknob and quickly picked the lock. Something that usually brought her a small measure of satisfaction, but not this time. The blonde was sprawled on the floor in front of the toilet, a small stream of liquid dripping from her mouth.

Lexa made her way towards the blonde, sliding onto her knees and trying to raise Clarke's head over the bowl. She slid the elastic she wore on her wrist into her fingers and pulled the girl's blonde hair back into a crude ponytail.

She held Clarke's head over the toilet, running her palm over her clammy brow, whispering nonsense words of comfort as the blonde threw up the contents of their evening.

While Lexa had chosen the salmon for dinner it became painfully obvious that Clarke had only had champagne.

A lot of it, she noted with disgust.

* * *

She ran a warm washcloth over Clarke's cheeks and brow. The blonde looked up at her with glazed eyes and slurred. "What are you doing in my room?"

"Shhhh." There was no reason to talk. None at all. What would they even say to each other?

She half dragged, half carried Clarke to the bedroom, leading her to the bed. Flopping Clarke onto the mattress, she removed her boots and covered her with a blanket.

The blonde struggled and protested as Lexa tried to force her onto her stomach. Lexa had leaned from an early age: drunk people should never sleep on their backs - it was too easy to die that way. If Clarke threw up in the night, she could essentially drown on her own sick and however she felt about Clarke, Lexa knew that in a million years, that was something she would never allow.

She turned off the light, kicked off her heels, threw her jacket onto the floor and laid down on the other side of the bed. On her back, throwing her legs over Clarke's, forcing her to stay lying on her stomach. The way she had learned to do so long ago with her mother.

Tomorrow was gonna be weird as fuck. She tried not to think about it as she lay there in Clarke's bed, listening to the blonde's soft sighs, certain sleep would never come. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even a huge T. Swift fan, I just can't get that stupid acoustic version outta my head.


	12. Sublimation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got my tenses all mixed up. Sorry ppl, I'm doing my best here.

**Tuesday**

Lexa [cont]

But it had. She had indeed slept there next to a very drunk Clarke Griffin, she realized when she woke, curled up on one side. The glow of the clock said it was 3:45. The arm slung low across her stomach said they'd shifted during the night.

In sleep, Clarke had molded herself against Lexa's back. But she preferred not to think about that, or the fact that she could feel her slightly sour breath on the back of her neck. She swallowed and tried lifting the arm gently. The fingers grabbed onto the front of her shirt. She shifted. The heavy arm held tighter.

Damn it.

She took a breath and pursed her mouth, eyes open thinking about the options. It would definitely be worse in the light of day, that much she knew. She tried to lift Clarke's arm, more forcefully this time. She held on tighter. She rolled her eyes to herself.

She arched her back and attempted to simply roll away. This girl held on like a fucking monkey.

She half/wholeheartedly tried a few more little moves like that. None forceful enough to really risk waking her, and still the blonde held on.

She eventually fell back to sleep, shivering more than a little in her thin tee shirt but not willing to disturb Clarke enough to reach for a blanket.

* * *

It's daylight.

It's also 6:12.

Holy mother of fuck.

She shot upright. Alone. She could hear the shower running.

She was through that door and into her own room in record time. Grabbing her shirt and yanking it up over her head, she rushed into the bathroom and into a shower that had yet to warm up.

It was awful and she felt like utter shit. The water was cold, her head was throbbing, she was late and she'd left her shoes and jacket in Clarke's room.

And Clarke.

Oh god.

Clarke.

Her head was spinning, remembering everything that had happened. She didn't want to remember but she did. She truly did. And the consensus in every fiber of her being was: no. no. no. She was not going to do this - not even going to _entertain_ it.

No fucking way.

Despite the bloom in her chest and the heat at her cheeks, she was not going to do it.

Nope.

Out of the shower and it was easy. Hair up, sweater, jeans, boots, sunglasses. Done. She was out the door and heading towards the elevators in record time when she ran smack into Raven. And Octavia.

* * *

 Clarke

Felt wrecked. Omfg. Part of her should be happy, right? Lexa - Lexa, what?

Had she returned her affections really? Not at all. Not in any way.

But she had spent the night.

Clarke didn't know what she was supposed to think about that. What did that even mean?

She remembered. She remembered it all. The flirty waitress, the car, pushing Lexa, the singing.

Waking up plastered against her warmth, that glorious, sweet smelling hair in her face - late as fuck and running into the bathroom in a nervous frenzy.

She felt mortified as she scrambled to get ready, really wishing she had the type of job one could call in sick to.

Not only was she going to see Lexa, they were going to be filming scenes today. Just them and a film crew in some mutant fucking gorilla cage, taking to each other all day.

No big deal.

She put her hair up in a beanie then slipped on her boots, noting Lexa's shoes and her jacket on her carpet.

She wanted to wear it.

Oh my god Clarke no. What the fuck was wrong with her? (Other than feeling like utter and complete shit).

She grabbed her phone. So many missed calls and texts that she didn't want to look at right now. She called Jasper.

He answered quickly. "You're fucking hilarious, I heard about your little field trip last night."

"Jasper were are you?"

"I'm downstairs getting coffee and waiting for you, I just texted you."

"Are you alone?" Her heart was pounding.

"Uh, yeah? Well, Monty's here, what's up?"

She whispered. "I want you to listen to me and not say anything, ok?"

Silence.

"Ok?"

"You told me not to say anything!" He whispered back.

"Ok. Do you see Raven or Lexa? They usually drive together. Look around for them but don't say anything to anyone else, ok?

"Jasper?"

"You said not to say anything."

"Do you see them?"

"No."

"Have you seen them?"

"Yes, Clarke. They just left."

"Why didn't you tell me that?" She yelled into the phone.

"I just did. Come down, I've got your coffee."

"And cigarettes?" She could use one or five.

"And cigarettes," he purred. (I guess men can). Who knew.

* * *

They couldn't find Clarke's valet ticket so they were going to be late. No way around it. Wouldn't be the first time but it didn't look good. Especially not on a day like today. 

She tried not to think about it while simultaneously thinking about it as she sat in the passenger seat while Jasper drove.

"So did you take her home last night?" Jasper wagged his eyebrows up and down for emphasis.

"Jasper!" She glanced at Monty in the back seat and punched him in the thigh.

"What?" He whispered. Like he didn't know.

Oh he knew alright, just as he knew very well that it flustered her.

She rolled down the window and lit a cigarette, handing one first to Jasper and then lighting one for herself with a flick of her thumb.

The wind whipped through both open windows. Monty wouldn't hear them.

"Please don't say anything." She looked at her friend, briefly, surprisingly tearing up.

He knew her well, they were friends. His voice was loud but his eyes soft.

"Really?" He looked over at her, the pain visible on her face.

She exhaled loudly and laughed, meeting his eye. "Yeah. Really."

* * *

And she was late. Really late, embarrassingly so. And they were all waiting for her and Lexa was there. She had never felt so (there were no words to describe how she felt). She wished for the ability to will bullets into that pistol she would use in the scene today - surely she would use it to blow off her own head rather than continue to stew in her roiling emotional state. She was so fucked.

And Lexa was flawless as usual. Calm, quiet, polite - indulgent of her even. She didn't get it. Lexa was fucking perfect.

As they finished readying the set (they had indeed not been ready, yet still she felt awful about being the last one to arrive, ready or not), Lexa smiled at her shyly from where she stood, drinking coffee and talking to one of the directors.

And she smiled again when she saw Clarke toying with the pistol, raising it to her own head in a totally joking manner. That was hilarious.

But soon, despite her screaming head and the tumult in her heart, she and Lexa fell into an easy rhythm together. Lexa knew her lines and was fun to work with. Clarke began to feel lighter and easier as the day progressed and they shot their scenes quickly.

They broke for lunch and here Lexa was, somehow right beside her drinking from a paper cup. She stood next to her outside the tent, both of them stood side by side, looking out across the clearing.

Lexa leaned against a wooden pole and spoke without looking at her. Not that she noticed or anything because she wasn't looking at her either. Not really.

"Are you ok?" Her voice was low and cautious. No way anyone could hear them.

Clarke turned, throwing Lexa a a tight, quick smile before facing forward again. It was happening. Her stomach, her chest - everything buzzed - her pulse sped up. She harnessed every skill she'd ever had in order to keep all of it a secret.

She bit into her sandwich and replied with a casualness she did not feel. "Thank you for taking us home last night. I drank too much on an empty stomach." She patted her own belly and looked at Lexa conspiratorially. She was such a great actress. "I don't even remember what we ate for dinner."

She threw back her head and laughed like a total fucking idiot.

* * *

Lexa

So Clarke didn't remember. Bullshit she didn't. She had seen her, rushing in all frantic and upset that morning. Something was definitely bothering her. Clarke wasn't _that_ good of an actress. She laughed at the thought. Maybe it would be easier not to be so nice to the blonde from now on. At least away from the set.

Last night still felt dangerous and unreal, yet as much as she tried, she couldn't just wall it off. She accepted it - the blonde had wormed her way under her skin. She was arrogant enough not to worry about it: there was no way she would ever act on whatever she felt for Clarke. No matter what it was.

It just wasn't going to happen. She had control and she wouldn't let it. It would be bad for her career and bad for Clarke's. Not that she needed to worry about Clarke. She could worry about herself if she chose to. What she did was of none of Lexa's concern.

But as the day wore on they relaxed and found an easy stride together. Despite her prior thoughts, the girl was a pretty good scene partner. If she was being honest, she had never worked with someone she felt so much chemistry with.

But then she realized - it was perfect. She could let it all come out, everything she felt or thought she felt for Clarke could get released here. On set where she could leave it at the end of the day.

And if they had 'explosive chemistry' as someone had mentioned, great. That shit sells. This would lead to other jobs. She kept reminding herself that whenever she looked over at the blonde and began to feel that thing inside her stir.

Not only was 'the thing' happening, she was beginning to catch a cold. Her head and throat ached and despite the sun that hazily graced them, she was freezing. She couldn't wait to be done for the day - wanting nothing more than to crawl under the covers and sleep. For the next week.

The eagerness with which Clarke had pursued her the night before had been replaced with obvious smiles and ambiguous gestures. On set, while they shot their scenes, she was great - charming, helpful, funny even. But once they were done with whatever take they were doing, the blonde seemed to nervously flit about, never seeming to land anywhere. Perpetually fidgety. She made Lexa nervous.

But there was also an excitement. The way her pulse quickened and chest fluttered when her memory brought to mind the feeling of Clarke snuggled against her back.

No. This certainly wasn't the way to process these feelings.

ON- set, fine - be intrigued by Clarke - or rather, her character.

But off set, no fucking feelings.

Unless they were feelings about fucking. That was fine. She could objectify the blonde all she wished. On set, her character no doubt wanted to fuck Clarke's. She could too, as long as she confined those feelings to the set.

Or to herself as she would decide hours later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ps: you guys have dubious comment skills. Try harder. xxx


	13. Unholy Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think y'all are gonna be real happy with the next chap and hopefully this one too.  
> And yes, at some point you may get Octaven.

Lexa [cont]

It was one of the rare days that the weather cooperated, so after a 2 hour nap in her trailer, Lexa got up and went back to work. Despite the congestion in her head and the mildly alarming heart condition that only seemed to flare around a certain blonde co-star, she trudged on.

They were going to shoot into the night which meant she had to change costumes and have the commander's war paint applied. She was grateful for the time to sit warm in in makeup artist's chair. Her head and her chest hurt. She really wanted to just crawl into a corner and fall asleep, but alas.

She rummaged around in her bag, certain she'd kept some of her usual packets of paracetamol but, nothing. At the bottom, under her headphones, she spied that bottle of pills she'd been carrying for so long. Narcotic pain medication. Sealed. Cass's name on the label.

She quickly threw her stuff back in. No way. That was for emergencies and simply having a cold did not constitute as such. She may have been reckless at one point in her life, but no longer. If she were ever to eat those pills, there would have to be a compelling reason.

No matter, she'd have Raven stop at the 24-hour pharmacy on their way back. As she sat in the chair, she stated thinking about Raven. And Octavia. She had been so caught up in Clarke's drama last night, she'd almost completely forgot about Raven and Octavia.

Hmm.

She seemed to remember something about a very angry Octavia all but throwing Clarke into _her_ arms, thus freeing Raven for what Lexa could clearly see would end up being tense moment between the two.

And then seeing them together this morning in the hallway, on the floor she and Raven shared - she didn't think Octavia even lived at the same hotel. Well, that was more than a little suspicious. She liked Octavia, but the intense girl made her just a little bit nervous. She made a point to ask Raven about it later, if this long night could just be over.

She had warpaint and fake blood all over her face. Tonight was the night they would shoot the scenes at mount weather - a pivotal moment in the script that would destroy the budding relationship between her and Clarke's characters.

Tomorrow, weather permitting, (and it looked good), they would shoot the last of their scenes together. Tonight would be easy; they would shoot out of sequence again, doing the episode preceding the one they filmed tonight. Tomorrow, Clarke's character would challenge the commander in her tent. They would have to talk and argue like people who were physically and emotionally attracted to each other.

There would also be an attempted kiss on the part of the commander, in which thankfully, Clarke's character pulls away just before their lips meet. The director had assured her that their lips would never actually meet - not that she'd asked. It was explained when she was offered the part, which suddenly seemed like a lifetime ago.

Tonight would be ok, she would worry about tomorrow when it came. She just wanted to lie down somewhere warm and quiet. Her nose was running and she felt utterly disgusting. The makeup guy had smeared extra fake blood onto her face to hide the redness around her nose.

This was a big scene and it was a great night for filming because although it was exceptionally cold, it was also sharp, clear and bright. They had been wise in keeping them all here, the results were going to be gorgeous.

She and Clarke's character would have a conversation before bombing the door off of some mountain. The commander asks the princess about her plans for after their war is over, when what she's really wanting to know is, could there be hope for a place in the princess's life or heart for her at any point in the future?

Lexa doesn't particularly want to feel that. She doesn't want to have to conjure up how it would feel to want Clarke, _her character_ \- so much that she'd be that vulnerable. But she'll have to. She'll have to dig however deep or shallow to find it. And she will have to do it in a way that follows the arc of her character's story thus far.

To the commander, love is weakness. She's a strong, pragmatic figure whose mission is to lead with her head and not her heart - to do the most good for the most people. She doesn't have time for love. She may want it more than need it, but she will not chase it. In the scene that would precede this one, Clarke's character does not return her affections. Her character would be too proud and too respectful of Clarke's to ever push again.

Her character is also uncharacteristically protective of Clarke's. With the way the script was written, not to mention what the writers had told her, the commander was utterly whipped by this girl who fell from the sky. She laughed but ended up coughing so hard that she spilled tea down her front.

This was real life and Clarke Griffin was no angel.

* * *

Clarke

This had been one of the hardest days she could remember. When afternoon came and went, she feared the worst - a night shoot which meant they'd all log like 13 + hours on set today.

She felt like shit. Her head throbbed from the champagne and regret from last night while her heart pained with an unknowable, unassuageable ache. Lexa. She couldn't get her out of her mind. And as the night wore on and everyone's energy waned, the feelings inside her rapidly began to grow, multiply and change -- all on their own.

One minute she was certain that Lexa's departure from the cast would be a welcome respite for her. The best for everyone involved. Since the brunette had arrived, Clarke's head had been in utter chaos. It would be good to be able to focus on something else besides her again. Healthy.

And then she began going through the scenarios in her mind, devising ways to get herself back into Lexa's arms, even if she had to get drunk to do it. What could she do? What _wouldn't_ she do to corral Lexa's attentions - she was beginning to sound obsessed- even to herself. No. Those thoughts were far too dangerous to let out into the light so she pushed them back into the corners, desperate to hide them at any cost.

But they peeked their heads out nevertheless. Why had Lexa stayed in Clarke's bed last night when hers was literally 15 feet away? She couldn't stop wondering about that and replaying the memory of waking curled up against Lexa, together on her bed like that. She remembered how it felt, how Lexa's body had felt so close to hers. Before utter panic had set in, she had felt something lying there snuggled up against Lexa Woods. She couldn't deny it.

And of course she'd gone and fucked it all up. Whatever Lexa's reasons, she'd never know now due to the fact that she had lied. She pretended not to remember: such a lame ploy which she completely cursed herself for afterward.

What else could she have done? _Hey, Good morning Lexa, did you like that song I sang for you after I screamed at you on the side of the road about flirting with a waitress? Did you like the way I threw a fit_ and _threw the keys? How about taking care of me while I was vomiting all over the floor? How'd you like that?_

Right.

She'd never know, which was just as well. Lexa wasn't interested in her. Despite Clarke's shameless flirting, Lexa had remained polite but aloof. She refused to believe that Lexa's staying over meant anything other than the fact that she was probably worried about her. That's the kind of girl Lexa was - she was honorable, she took care of people. She was solid and strong. And heartbreakingly beautiful. Clarke could hardly look at her. It hurt so much.

Lexa was the kind of person who stayed. When everyone else left, when there was a mess or a problem, she was the one who'd come through. Clarke was almost one-hundred-percent certain that Lexa stayed with her last night was because she was worried about her throwing up in her sleep. In fact, she seemed a little paranoid about it given the way she had acted during the whole embarrassing ordeal.

She had indeed been drunk, but she remembered everything just fine. Lexa had popped the lock on the door like a badass. She hadn't been drunk enough that she didn't appreciate and find it for a moment, sexy as fuck. That feeling was quickly replaced by utter mortification on her end at being babied like that - by Lexa of all people. In her condition.

Lexa was like a professional nurturer or something. Everything she did felt right to Clarke, from the way she cooed and soothed but was never loud or jarring. The way she anticipated her needs before she even had them, Lexa had put her hair up and washed her face with a soft cloth while she whispered and calmed. At the memory, Clarke suddenly felt her chest warm up just as if she'd taken a shot of her beloved tequila.

She steered her mind to safer ground, still thinking about Lexa, just not personally. The role that had been written for Heda, the commander of the 12 clans was simply amazing. She was complex and smart, respectful, open and wise beyond her years. She carried the hopes and dreams of a nation squarely upon her shoulders and never faultered, not even in the face of experiencing a great personal tragedy. She was honorable and wise and she protected Clarke's character at all costs. Which, as it had been explained to them, was something against character for the commander, which suggested at her real motivations which were that she loved Clarke. The commander loved her character.

In between takes her mind continued to wander and began to sort out the parallels as she saw them. Lexa was very protective as well. Clarke had not missed the many times Lexa had looked out for her. She drove them home from the party, she ran after her out of that car and onto that road. In the middle of nowhere. And she'd said she cared. She actually looked her in the eye and said, "I care about you." And then Clarke did what Clarke always did.

She ran.

Looking at Lexa standing across from her on that lonely road, peeling off her own thin jacket and trying to keep her warm, while she wore only in a thin tee shirt herself - something clicked. It was like a piece snapped into place with what seemed an audible _click_. Something happened but unfortunately, it happened when Clarke had been drunk. It was the only time she ever allowed her raw feelings to roam free, wreaking havoc as they wished.

And this happened. This was new territory and she did not like it one bit. It was too close, too real, too fucking soul-shatteringly scary - like a boss she couldn't fight at this point in the game. Not with this armor, or that sword. Hell no. She needed some kind of diversion, which when she thought about it now, really was her specialty.

She ran and did something that would have real consequences for her the next day, causing her to feel even more destroyed than she even thought she could. She ran into that tavern knowing full well that Lexa would follow. And then she'd really outdone herself - she's sung that awful song - adding insult to injury by changing the 'he's' to 'she's' in public like an attention whore but feeling every moment of it.

Remembering it now made her want to die. Or at the very least come down with some serious, but curable disease that would demand her immediate containment in a plush, quarantine facility. Someplace warm and tropical. Her imagination only held out for so long before she was back to thinking about the reason she wanted to run off and hide in the first place.

Leave it to her, 'drunk Clarke' - to make a mockery of everything that had just transpired between them outside. She saw that now. She also remembered Lexa's reaction- how she looked at her with her mouth slightly ajar, eyes wide and open. There had been a moment where there was absolutely no doubt in her mind. An electricity passed between them and they _saw_ each other. Somehow Lexa knew her; she _saw_ her yet confined to gaze at her like that, like she was wanted and loved and cherished and that somehow, it would all be ok.

But none of that mattered now. She cursed herself for indulging in this obsession over Lexa all over again. What was important was getting through this shoot and getting back to the hotel and into bed. She felt as if she could pass out at any moment - she was physically and emotionally wrecked.

* * *

They shot almost every scene necessary until only the last one remained. The one where the commander betrays her character and walks away. It is supposed to be an intensely emotional scene but for some reason, Lexa doesn't seem to be feeling it. For the past few hours, she's not been anywhere Clarke's eyes have been able to secretly follow. And when she is there, for the take, something is off. Her head's not in the game; she seems distracted and clumsy. Things Clarke had never known her to do during their short history on this project.

She did her best and tried not to take it personally that Lexa was somewhere else. It's just a job, she kept reminding herself. They were getting ready for the next take when she noticed it. Lexa's nose was bleeding - she was sure of it. She grabbed her by the arm, immediately feeling heat beneath the fabric of her sleeve. She pressed a hand to Lexa's forehead like she had every right to do so.

She was on fire.

She pulled away but not angrily. "I'm fine, Clarke." She sounded more like the commander than Lexa but her voice was raspy and hoarse. She sniffled into her sleeve and Clarke noticed, it came away red.

"Jesus Christ Lexa, your nose is bleeding and you've got a fever." To everyone else she shouted, "guys, it's freezing out here and-" She turned to look at Lexa whose eyes were wide with a silent plea: _please don't_. "And _I'm_ getting the flu so let's get this done." She walked away with purpose.

It was a strangely uncharacteristic little pep-talk for Clarke who usually giggled and played around in between takes. But it seemed to work. They all moved faster and soon they would be able to go back to the hotel.

* * *

Lexa

Clarke had been correct - she was getting sick. Really sick and this was just great because in less than ten hours, they would be right back out here shooting again. Her head was heavy, throbbing and thick, every muscle and joint aching.

When they had finally wrapped for the night she went off to find Raven who, was evidently still filming somewhere else, given that her car was still there. She walked toward her trailer intending to wait when a black SUV pulled up beside her.

She rolled down the window and smiled. She had such a cute smile too. "Get in here."

What else was she going to do? Of course she got in. And of course Clarke insisted they stop by the drugstore while she was made to wait in the car and 'rest' while Clarke bought every conceivable cold remedy on the market.

Clarke smiled at her as she sat slumped down in the front seat, lying her head on the dash, crowding her fingers around the vents for warmth.

"And I got you ice pops," she sang, holding up the bag.

"We don't have a freezer Clarke." The blonde looked over at Lexa who smiled. Her tone had been playful.

She groaned and laid her head back onto the dash. She felt awful. She'd had stomach bugs here and there not to mention her fair share of colds and flus, but the way she felt now, she was sure this must be something strange with an unpronounceable name. Like some weird virus from another country or something. It felt that strong. But she also probably had a bit of a fever so maybe she was simply delirious and tired. It was probably the fever. Clarke would have most certainly gotten something for that too.

"What's wrong?" The car was on but not moving. She looked up at the blonde who looked at her patiently.

"Seatbelt please." She smiled and looked at her expectantly.

Sorry. She bucked up and they were off, heaters blowing so loudly that the silence wasn't as excruciating as it could have been. Say if they had been alone or maybe in Clarke's bed or something like that.

While she was very ill, it wasn't enough to grant her immunity from her other thoughts; they may have been the real viruses here after all. She most likely had gotten sick in large part due to the running around after Clarke at all hours, making sure she didn't get in trouble in that tavern, making sure she didn't get sick and die and laying in bed next to her all night without so much as a blanket just so she wouldn't disturb Clarke's precious slumber.

She could have been mad, but she kind of liked it. She liked being a hero for the blonde and images flooded her mind on the ways in which she'd like Clarke to use her.

Damn.

If getting sick had been the result of spending a sleepless night on Clarke's bed, she wished it would have gone differently. At least then she'd be left with the memory of how their mouths might feel when they finally met. The groan did not pass her lips. She curled it back down and swallowed it while her heart crashed into her ribs again. The same way it seemed to do recently whenever she thought about Clarke. And she had. She'd thought about virtually nothing else all day, save for her impeding sickness.

As difficult as it was to sit wth those feelings in the confines of the small space, it also felt thrilling. Like something you might be afraid to do for the first time but once you got a taste, you kept going back again and again for that rush. It was lust and despite the weirdness factor of it being with an unavailable co-star, she counted it as progress. She hadn't been able to feel for so long after everything that had happened over the past few years, she welcomed it and quickly amended her earlier rule on the spot: she could lust after Clarke Griffin all she wanted - she just couldn't _do_ anything about it.

What would be so hard? She was leaving in a few days and being that she was sick as hell, there should be absolutely no problems staying away from Clarke Griffin's mouth. She leaned back and relaxed into the headrest, finally beginning to feel warm, looking over at the blonde who concentrated the dark road ahead of her.

Lexa loved Clarke's profile; she looked at her brazenly now, ready to blame any missteps on the fever. The way her lips curved and the slight little dimple at her chin just broke Lexa's fucking heart. She thought about kissing those lips while running her hands up those things and over her hips, hungrily pulling her closer.

* * *

Clarke

Lexa didn't look good at all. Clarke had ditched Jasper and Monty, offering absolutely no excuses about why she was leaving without them. She wouldn't have even bothered to say anything had she not run into Monty while walking to her car.

Jasper and Monty would be fine. It was Lexa she was worried about. She sat feverish and quiet, slightly slumped in the passenger seat. And so god damn beautiful it made Clarke want to cry. She looked up at Clarke with wide, dark eyes and kept looking. Every time she'd hazard a glance, Lexa looked at her. It wasn't a stare or a gaze or an assessment - it was more like, Clarke didn't know. Maybe just an easy look among friends that said _I don't know where we're going but I trust you._

Were they friends? Could Lexa trust her? Not likely. She was probably just delirious from the fever.

As soon as they pulled up in front of the hotel, Clarke hopped out to help Lexa who had jumped out of the car and was walking quickly into the lobby. When she grabbed the shopping bags and her purse form the backseat she noticed Lexa's leather satchel still in the front. She reached over to grab the straps, upending it in the process.

A bottle rolled across the carpet. She couldn't help but notice: _Cassandra Fordham, Percocet 10/500 #100_ \- expired. She took the top off, it was sealed. She quickly stuffed everything back into Lexa's bag and raced into the lobby not even bothering with the valet ticket.

Poor Lexa was leaning against the wall waiting for the elevator looking tired and small and smudged from all the paint she'd not bothered to remove.

Clarke strode up sidled up next to her. "You have to push the button," she playfully chided as she pressed the call button herself. Once the car came, Lexa abandoned all of her earlier stoicism and allowed herself to be led into her room much the way she had led Clarke into hers less than twenty four hours earlier. Without the lock picking and vomit, of course.

Clarke deposited Lexa in her room with a bag full of cough and cold remedies, making her promise to take what Clarke told her to and when. Clarke could be intense, she knew that, she just wanted Lexa to feel better.

She went into her own room then and sat on her bed, not bothering even to remove her heavy coat. Housekeeping had been round; her bed was made and things were tidy and fresh. Lexa's jacket and shoes from the night before hung and lay neatly next to her suitcase.

That jacket. The one that looked so good on Lexa. She wanted to touch it but she didn't dare, she simply looked at it and tired to be happy that at least a small part of Lexa was there with her, however briefly. Speaking of Lexa, she could hear her practically coughing up a lung over there. Clarke could bet she just fell into bed without taking anything of the medicine.

She went to the adjacent door, her hand hovering over the knob. She quietly pulled her side open - now came the dangerous part - how to check it without alerting the occupant. She grabbed her phone and played a voicemail on speaker to mask any noise the action might make. " _Hey Clarke, it's Jason. I was wondering if you could text me the brand of those adult diapers you said worked so well for your grandmother-"_

The knob turned. It was unlocked. Lexa had left it unlocked. Or the housekeeper had. Either way, Clarke had direct access to Lexa who at the moment, wasn't being a very good patient. She might only play a medial professional on television but that was practically the same thing, right?

* * *

She had been correct. Lexa had fallen into bed with her clothes and shoes still on and none of the packets of medication had even been touched. Clarke tried to sit Lexa up, but she was limp and hot. She removed her jacket, sweater and boots before covering her up with the duvet. She also made her take cough syrup and headache tablets. Hopefully she would feel much better after getting some rest, but Clarke left the door open a crack in case she needed anything.

She sat in her room quietly, without the television or the phone until she heard Lexa's breathing slow and even out. She was probably asleep now. Clarke went to the door to check and when she was certain Lexa was out, she opened up her laptop and typed _Cassandra Fordham_ into google. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are terrible- all you do is take, take, take!  
> You'll all be sorry when I'm gone.  
> (Rides off angrily on bicycle) crashes.  
> xxx


	14. Today is Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Kiss™ and its aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tenses are all mixed up again.  
> If you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to call 1-800-SHUT-ITT  
> Also: there's hand holding in this chapter - pls take care if that's a trigger for you.  
> I laugh at all my own jokes, btw.

Clarke [cont ]

Cassandra Fordham - thousands of images popped up: stunning, blonde, rich - and dead. She _had_ been the woman Clarke had seen on Lexa's arm. The night where she'd watched them like a stalker, positive they were lovers by the way they moved together only to overhear a little spat between them in the bathroom later when Lexa thought she was helping a drunk stranger.

She stopped and allowed the ridiculous nature of things as they now stood to sink in; what the hell had she been thinking?

What the hell was she _doing_? Not only was she still stalking Lexa, she had graduated to doing it in person. From the next room, while she lay next door, asleep and sick. For the briefest moment she thought about just closing her laptop and going to bed, but in the end, her curiosity about anything having to do with Lexa Woods won out, just it had been doing from the start.

Cassandra Fordham. Beautiful, rich, blah, blah -- married, former prime minister, children -- and dead. Very dead. Dead from texting behind the wheel and an inspiration for a whole new set of laws for Australian drivers, apparently. Lots of press about that.

But she had been Lexa's lover. Secret lover from the looks of things. Wonder if Lexa had known about the husband and kids? Clarke had plainly seen them in the club that night and Lexa had accidentally said the woman's name in their scene about her character's lost loved one. The scene where Clarke had pretended to eat a bug to save Lexa from any embarrassment. That was totally nice of her. She smiled. The thought momentarily assuaged her conscience for her stalker behavior and she continued to do it for the next few hours.

So Lexa's lover or girlfriend or whatever they had been, had been killed in a driving accident because she'd been using a mobile phone. And Lexa had all but snapped when Clarke had thrust hers into her face not once, but twice the night before in the car. She suddenly felt awful.

Lexa had been afraid. That was fear talking when she had told Clarke on the side of the road, "I care about you." And Lexa didn't seem at all like a person who would be indiscriminate with her words. No, if Lexa said she cared about her, then she did.

But in what way? She really wanted to find out, to stop playing games and acting like an asshole and just talk to Lexa. What could be so bad? If she didn't feel the same, then so be it. Clarke didn't want to fight it anymore. If there was a possibility that they shared something, wasn't it important to try and find out? To see where that could go or what they could be?

Whether it be for a day or two weeks or -- whatever, she could do it. It would be worth it. It would be.

She suddenly felt dizzy - like she'd had too much oxygen as she went to sleep that night, finally feeling able to take a deep breath for the first time in what seemed like forever.

* * *

**Wednesday**

Morning came too soon, but the spark of new possibilities dancing in the air made Clarke feel awake and alive. As soon as she woke, she looked at the door as she had many times over during the night. There it appeared as it had the previous ten or twelve times, pulled to, but slightly ajar. Just the way Clarke had left it as she'd checked on Lexa one last time before she herself went to sleep last night.

She tiptoed to the door. She could kinda see a little slant of light that meant Lexa had the drapes open. She waited and listened - like a stalker. No breathing, no rustling, no shower. Lexa was gone. The thought worried her slightly, just made sort of a dent in her chest where there had been hope moments earlier.

She pushed those thoughts away - she was just nervous and excited. Lexa was still here, they were going to do an intimate shoot today: their last one. Clarke's character and Lexa's were going to do the scenes inside the commander's tent on the battlefield. They were going to have a few, heated and tense conversations after which Lexa's character tries to kiss hers only to be rebuffed.

Wonderful.

Did she want to kiss Lexa? Fuck yes, she did. Did she want to do it in front of like 12 other people? Uh, no. Not at all, although the anticipation about soon being so close to her made Clarke feel kind of drunk.

She floated through her morning regimen in good spirits. Her friends had been texting over and over, wondering if she'd been kidnapped or met someone or died maybe? She didn't have the energy to tend to them all right now - not with everything that had been going on. Her friends would understand so she let herself relax and think about the day ahead.

* * *

Lexa

She woke up with an even bigger headache - so tempted to give it all up and just go back home but alas, she wouldn't. She rose before her phone chirped and sat up on the bed, resting her arms on her legs. She raised her eyes and and smiled.

Clarke had been like a kid in a candy store with all that cold medicine. All the bottles and packages were lined up from left to right according to height and appeared to be further sorted by  _color_ as well. She shook her head and laughed out loud.  _Goddamn Clarke._ There was no malice behind the thought, quite the opposite in fact. She couldn't help it, Clarke was so damn cute. And sexy. 

And a co-worker. And straight.

She groaned and got up, not wanting to fall into her familiar habit of late: lying in bed and thinking about Clarke Griffin. She had plenty of time for that after today. She was leaving tomorrow and it was a good thing. She missed LA, she missed Anya and the easy weather and... She tried to think of what else she missed, but she couldn't. Anya and the sun were enough.

Tonight there would be a dinner to unofficially celebrate her departure. Just something casual at a nearby restaurant and she'd be back early enough to pack and get a good night's rest.

Today would be fine. She felt a little better, but not much. At least the sun was out - that made things a whole lot more tolerable. She opened her curtains then took a long swig from a bottle of sweetly flavored cough syrup, noticing that the door to their rooms was still open as she walked to the bathroom. She left it unlocked just as she had the night previously. No reason.

She stepped gingerly into the steaming shower, loving the way the heat and steam woke up her muscles. She stretched and sighed, rolling her head from side to side as she exhaled.

Today would be fine and tomorrow she'd be home.

* * *

Clarke

She saw Lexa jumping into Raven's car as soon as she came downstairs into the courtyard. Lexa turned and saw her, briefly smiling before closing the door. Well at least it was something, right?

They rode to the set in near total silence. "Clarke's thinking," Jasper explained nasally when Monty wanted the radio. He probably shot Monty a look that said _stfu_ , because he did. Who knew how those two communicated? Who wanted to?

Jasper nudged her in her arm. "Is this about what I think it is?"

She may have admitted once or twice in her drunken state the other night that she was attracted to Lexa. She had practically raped Jasper, the way she threw herself into his arms to hide as Lexa walked past. He knew her too well and she knew she was caught. But she trusted Jasper, she didn't have to say anything.

"Yeah." She looked up, letting the courage she felt shine in here eyes. She had made a decision: she was going to let her feelings be her guide. It was scary and nerve wracking and made her doubt herself a little, but with Lexa it felt right.

"Yeah," she repeated, loving the way the word felt on her lips. "It is." She didn't need to say anything more. She wanted Lexa - she wanted her so badly.

True, they were virtual strangers; they didn't know really anything at all about each other. Clarke had a far heavier social media presence so if Lexa _had_ looked, she would know more about Clarke than vice versa. Not that she'd ever deign hope that Lexa would have dived into her life with the same hunger that Clarke had hers. Or at all. She just... she didn't even know where she was going with that thought, the same way she hadn't with dozens of others before it.

Today would be today and tonight would be tonight. She kept reminding herself that whenever she felt the need to text Lexa some small line of encouragement about her condition and to remind her that it had been Clarke who had seen her home and taken care of her last night. She typed and deleted them over and over. Gems like: _hope ur feeling better_ and _the sun is shining, see u at work_ plus the classic, _hope you're better today :)_ !

None of those were acceptable. Just. No.

Today they would work. It was going to be a short day, just a few scenes more to do with Lexa and. they'd wrap early enough for Clarke to nap before the dinner tonight where she planned to talk to her. Tonight would be tonight and then it was back to work tomorrow on a different set entirely.

* * *

They arrived just on time - each of them hurrying off to their respective assignments. She put her stuff in her trailer then went over to hair and makeup.

When she opened the door, she was greeted with another smile. Lexa was there, sat where she usually did - wearing her glasses, legs crossed and drinking from a large thermos. She raised the thermos in salutation. "Raven made me tea." Her voice sounded terrible.

Clarke couldn't seem to find hers at the moment.

Lexa sat there looking like an absolute angel. Her lips were so beautifully rosy and perhaps even slightly swollen from her cold, but god damn, Clarke wanted that bottom lip between hers like five minutes ago. And her cheeks and those glasses.

And _fuck Raven_ , she thought, _I want to be the one who makes you tea._

_And I better sit down. Is it hot in here?_

She sat in the chair opposite Lexa. Biting her own lip like a teenager before she reeled it in and regained some sense of control over her body. She took a deep breath. This was going to be fine.

"Feeling better?" Clarke tried to ask in a way that signaled to other people that it was simply a causal question while simultaneously and purposely layering it with meaning she was sure only Lexa could hear. And maybe it had worked because the brunette wasn't as quick to look away when their eyes met as she had been previously. She simply smiled and looked at her though that ridiculously hot pair of glasses. Today would be good. How could it not be? All she had to do was look at Lexa.

* * *

Everyone's ready and it's a go. They get into positions and then chaos ensues. Everyone is goofy today, and since it's such an intimate scene and there aren't many people around, everyone is being quiet until something happens that inevitably breaks the tension and they all crack up for five minutes. It's been that kind of day, full of mistakes and flubbled lines, but they are making progress.

As Clarke's character backs Lexa's angrily into a table she hooks her foot on a cable and embarrassingly trips over a barrel, falling to the floor. Everyone howls with laugher. Lexa laughs too but extends a hand to help her up. Jason gets sand in his vagina again, but nobody really cares. Lexa sneezes when she says, "you think our ways are harsh," and her spit goes everywhere.

Energies are high and the atmosphere couldn't be better: Clarke revels in it. She and Lexa are really connecting today on set and despite all of the distractions, she knows they both feel it. Both existing on the same plane for once. It feels seductive and intoxicating. Clarke can't wait to feel more of that. Tonight. Hopefully. But today it was going to be difficult to pretend that she doesn't want to lean into that kiss, but with all the other people around, that obviously, would be out of the question.

Everyone was ready. She and Lexa were on their marks. This was it. The last scene they'd do together - for this show anyway. They all knew that Lexa was on loan from a much better and more acclaimed series. But today was today, and tonight was tonight. She kept telling herself that.

"And action!"

"I do trust you."

"I know how hard that is for you."

"You think our ways are harsh, but that's how we survive."

"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving."

"Don't we deserve better than that?"

"Maybe we do."

And Lexa, the _commander,_ leans in for the kiss Clarke is meant to refuse but her body does not cooperate. All she feels are Lexa's lips on hers like they are the most holy things in the universe. Lexa kisses her tenderly, heartbreakingly so and her mind goes blank for a moment. It's all bright and blinding light, she feels dizzy and deliriously happy and worried all at once. She kicks her brain into high gear and slowly pulls away from that kiss the way she had been meant to in the first place.

Yet, they kept rolling - no one spoke.

"I'm sorry, I..." She knew her lines, she gone over them many many times. Was she supposed to pause that much?

"I'm not ready to be with anyone... Not yet."

And then boom, and cut.

Congratulations and laughter all around. They love it. The director loves it and that flabby Jason loves it cause he's apparently got a boner for that sort of thing. All Clarke can remember is the look on Lexa's face as she finally pulled away from the kiss that wasn't supposed to be a kiss but then became one.

That look on Lexa's face. The way that Lexa, the _Commader_ , she reminded herself, had looked at Clarke's character after they kissed - those eyes just knocked her to her knees. That smoldering look of want there was almost too much for her fragile heart to bear. She was certain Lexa eyes could see inside her very soul. If it sounds strange it is because nothing like this had ever happened in her life. She had never felt so connected to someone - it defied logic and reason but she was finished caring.

 _Lexa_ : she wanted to bend her spine and and open her like a book she couldn't wait to devour, but taking a moment to scan the list of chapters first, to maybe get a sense of where they might go together, or even if they _could_. Clarke was determined - tonight she would talk to Lexa. No games, no drinking - just her and her feelings. Whatever they were.

She was done for the day and so was Lexa, she saw the brunette run into her trailer after their surprising scene. She briefly considered jumping into her car and pulling round the front to offer Lexa a ride like she had done the night before, but she decided to leave it. Lexa was sick and needed her rest: she didn't need to be stalked by Clarke. Plus they would see each other tonight. It was best that she go back to the hotel and take a nap. Tonight was going to be interesting.

She drove back to the hotel alone - Jasper and Monty had their scenes to shoot. She closed the drapes and snuggled up in bed, putting in her earphones she took one last look at the cracked door between their suites and laid down for a nap

* * *

Clarke awoke at 5:30, in plenty of time to take a shower and get ready for tonight. She actually had time for the gym, and when she thought about it, it seemed like a good idea. She hadn't been the healthiest in her habits lately.

She got up and grabbed a water out of the fridge, while drinking it greedily she saw something that sent a chill up her spine: the door between their rooms was closed. She tried to calm down, but she just _knew_. She went to the door and threw open her side. When she tried the knob, her worst fears were realized, it was locked: Lexa was gone.

Her first impulse was to call her, but since they didn't exactly have that type of relationship- or _any_ relationship really, she decided on another tactic.

She picked up the room phone and called down to the desk. "Hi, this is Clarke Griffin in room 307, I was wondering if you could send up a bottle of your best champagne and a fruit basket to room 308 with my compliments, Lexa Woods?"

"I'm sorry ma'am, Miss Woods has already checked out."

Fuck. 

She slammed the phone down, picked up her mobile and quickly pressed Raven's contact info. She didn't mince words. "Raven, where's Lexa?"

"Well, hello to you too, Clarke. Why am I not surprised you're calling?"

"She left didn't she?"

Raven sighed heavily. "Yep, just dropped her off."

Fuck.

"Did she say why?"

Raven's voice softened but still held a hard, knowing edge "Nope, but I figured it had something to do with you."

"Thanks, Raven." She said sarcastically. "When does her flight leave?"

"Don't worry princess, you've got plenty of time - her flight doesn't leave for like 4 more hours."

She hung up with Raven and grabbed her coat - she knew what she had to do, there was no way she was going to let Lexa walk out of her life without telling her how she felt first. Whatever that was, she had time to figure it out on the way. She grabbed Lexa's leather jacket and stuffed it into her bag then raced down to her car.

Luckily it was a small, out of the way airstrip that while being open to the general public, it very seldom had many people inside. She found parking easily and walked into the small terminal, looking at every face as she did so. Lexa was nowhere to be seen. Clarke confirmed the gate and planted herself on a row of chairs beside it, waiting.

Her eyelids began to droop. It had been an hour but Lexa was nowhere to be seen. There wasn't a restaurant or a lounge in this airport, so if she was here, Clarke couldnt tell. She began to get sleepy and stretched her legs out sideways, thinking about a nap. But no, she couldn't. She had to be here to see Lexa and to tell her. Tell her what exactly? Don't go? Stay? I want you?

Jesus. She didn't want to think about what she'd say. She just wanted to see her again. She continued to look up anytime someone came in or out. Her head rolled forward, she jerked it back up. She felt the dull throb of sleep pulling her deeper. She was drooling. Ugh. She looked at her phone. Shit, she _had_ been asleep. She saw a line of people forming across the room.

"Pre- boarding call for flight... to Los Angeles." Rang out over the loudspeakers and that's when Clarke saw it, or thought she did. It was like a movie still, a single shot of that gorgeous mane of chestnut hair disappearing around a corner. She got up in a hurry, knocking over her coffee cup as she ran off after that hair. That elusive, rich color - she was sure she had seen it. The sight seemed to wake her finally, out of what seemed to be a lifelong slumber.

She looked up at the monitors - _the gate had been changed. Shit._

She raced down the carpeted hallway and back up another ramp where she'd seen people lining up to go through the security checkpoint. And amidst a sea of heads she finally catches a glimpse the one she's after, but without a boarding pass, she won't be able to follow her through security once she gets there. And she's at the front of the line now.

She did the only thing that she could think of - she cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, "Commander!"

Lexa turned along with about 25 other people. Clarke ran to the front of the line despite groans and protests from the other passengers. She caught up with her on the platform and looked around wildly, unsure of what to do next. Her hair was a mess and she felt all over the place, but it was not the time to worry about that now.

“ _Commander_.” she said again, lower this time although still loud. She couldn't think of anything else to say because her brain didn't work, and anything resembling dignity had long since flown out the window.

A face turned towards her, and not just any face - _the_ face. The face she'd been thinking about all day, the one she thought about every night or whenever she had a moment to close her eyes. That face, which unfortunately looked more perplexed than happy to see her.

“Clarke. What are you doing here? Are you on this flight?" She looked as if she found the possibility alarming.

“No, no.” Clarke ran up to her, holding out the leather jacket. “I - I - "

She knew she must look haggard and unkempt, maybe even a little bit crazy. But she didn't care. Her single objective had been met - she had caught up with Lexa. But they were here in public now, people were staring at them. The security agent was motioning for Lexa to walk through.

Lexa grabbed the jacket she held out. "Thank you, Clarke." Her eyes were wide and unreadable. "Thank you," she repeated and smiled slightly. Nervously.

Clarke's eyes began to well up. Goddamn it. She couldn't do this - not here, not now, not in front of all of these people; someone would see them and rumors would be inevitable. She stood up straighter and composed herself.

"Well, have a good flight."

"Yes, you too."

They both laughed, Lexa was the only one getting on an airplane.

She shouldn't have but she did, she just blurted it out. "Have dinner with me."

Lexa met her eyes with regret. "I have a flight to catch, Clarke." She smiled sadly and held up the jacket. "Thanks for this."

"You're welcome. I hope you feel better."

And before the awkwardness could get any bigger, Clarke forced herself to turn around and walk away. She would walk to her car slowly and calmly where she would be safe to succumb to the wave of tears she was trying so desperately to keep from crashing. She walked out of the double doors and into the parking lot. Tears were beginning to fall now - how could she possibly hold them in?

Her phone beeped. There was no one in the world she wanted to speak at the moment, she went to silence it and was blown away by what she saw.

_LW Calling_

She picked it up without saying anything.

"Clarke?" She thought she heard a hint of worry there, or maybe it was just her imagination. "Clarke, are you there?"

"Yes," she whispered, holding her breath.

"There's a later flight tonight and I was thinking, maybe-"

"Yes," she interrupted. "Stay where you are and I'll come get you."

Lexa laughed quietly, a lovely, rich sound. "Why don't you tell me somewhere we can meet and I'll call a cab?"

She immediately pulled up the name of nearby hotel that served dinner and drinks and texted the address to Lexa. She looked at her reflection in the mirror: this was not her best look. Her hair was windblown and messy, her eyes red and puffy, but she didn't have time to stress over that now. She quickly wiped her face and put the car in gear, her eager heart beating double time.

* * *

Clarke found the place easily. The dining room was dimly lit and quiet - a fire burned in the fireplace, casting a warm, orange glow around the room. She wanted to order a drink but thought better of it; she should stay in control tonight - for what, she remained uncertain.

Lexa hadn't said how long she would be. Clarke felt nervous without a cocktail or a cigarette. She sipped her tea while she played solitaire on her phone, trying to remain brave.

"What are you playing?" A soft touch on her shoulder broke her reverie. she turned to see Lexa standing there, more vivid and real and beautiful than she'd ever been in Clarke's imagination. It always seemed like her memory of Lexa paled in comparison when the real thing was standing in front of her eyes; real enough to touch. Lexa looked incredible. Stunning. There were a whole host of adjectives Clarke knew she could readily come up with - but all Lexa's presence ever seemed to do was inspire her to paint, a desire that was solely motivated by the color green.

She put down her phone and motioned for Lexa to sit. "Hi," she said.

Lexa blushed and Clarke blushed right back.

"You keep doing that around me."

"What do you mean?" Clarke asked shyly.

"Blushing. You're always blushing." It wasn't a tone she was used to hearing from Lexa. It was playful and dare she say, _intimate_? If Lexa had indeed noticed her blushing, Clarke thought that was pretty damn intimate.

"Well, you're so commanding, no wonder I blush.” The boldness of Clarke's reply made Lexa pause and look at her with a raised brow and a slight uptick of the pretty corners of her mouth.

Clarke continued her flirting. "See?" She pointed an accusing finger at Lexa. "Now, you're blushing too."

"I am not, Clarke."

But she was.

Clarke could hardly breathe.

A waitress came and went. They both had tea. Clarke ordered a salad after the fourth time the waitress came over just to get her out of their hair.

“So.” Lexa said it once the waitress had brought the salad. "About that blushing."

Clarke's eyes challenged hers. "So," she countered. "About you leaving without saying goodbye..."

She could see Lexa's walls go up suddenly - her somber and dark expression closing all the doors, and shutting everything down - absolutely forbidding any further talk on the matter. Somehow Clarke intuitively knew about the pain Lexa carried and she would not push her, but part of her wanted to. She had to let her know, somehow, that she wasn't alone. She would never have to be alone again if Clarke had anything to do with it. And Lexa seemed so alone sometimes.

"I don't want to talk about that." Her tone was sharp, though she tried to soften it somewhat by saying, "not tonight."

Clarke was pretty sure she knew what that meant: not  _ever_.

Lexa looked at her watch - Clarke noted the shiny, large stainless links surrounding that beautiful wrist, she knew what was coming. "I should go, Clarke."

Was that it? She was just going to leave. Goodbye - just like that?

“So, this is it then?" Clarke looked right at Lexa who seemed to be uneasy. "They do have rooms here, you know."

What was her point?

As if on queue the waitress waked up and said, "There's a storm coming in honey. Y'all better stay here, the airport is gonna close." And then, "All our suites are half off and have _majestic views_."

Before Lexa could decline, Clarke spoke up. "She'll take it."

* * *

Lexa had gone to get registered while Clarke used the bathroom. She was unsure and nervous about what, if anything, would happen next. She worried that if she came on too strong, Lexa would just turn and run. But she didn't just want to leave things the way they stood, either. That's not why she had followed Lexa in the first place. And oh, they were both missing Lexa's celebratory dinner. 

She looked at her phone - shit. 9 missed calls and 22 texts. Twenty two?

Fuck.

She silenced her phone without looking at it and exited the ladies lounge. She looked up to see a pair of green eyes studying her from across the room. She walked up and came to stand near Lexa who was leaning against a railing. 

"Do you want to come up?” Lexa asked, in a quiet voice that just about made Clarke melt right there on the spot. “You don't want to miss the _majestic view,"_ she quickly added, as if there needed to be a reason.

They entered the elevator wordlessly and rode the few stories up in silence. As they stood in the sterile intimacy of the elevator car, Clarke studied Lexa's body. Her frame shivered slightly in the cold, harsh glare. Her usually smooth brow was furrowed about what Clarke could only guess, as she watched Lexa's eyes watch the floor numbers change. Some internal hesitation or worry was definitely happening under that calm façade, and Clarke worried briefly. But once she saw Lexa's body relax, she was sure she knew what would come next. She knew what was going to happen, or at least hoped she did.

She could feel it - the energy had definitely shifted. 

Clarke leaned back against the wall with a newfound confidence as she watched Lexa fumble with the key and take a deep breath before she tried the lock again. Once inside the room, Clarke's watched as Lexa's hands busied themselves at the mini bar while she fixed a drink.

Those hands were something else altogether.

After she made her drink, Lexa gestured to the window dramatically. "Well there it is," she took a long swallow. "The _majestic view_ we were promised." She stood by the window, arms folded, while her eyes showed absolutely no trace of green.

They stood next to each other in front of the large window. Clarke didn't know what to do next. Yes or no? Stop or go? She wondered, though she was pretty sure she knew, but she was still afraid. The difference was, she was no longer afraid of being afraid.

“Lexa,” she said the name softly. _Her name_ , she thought so solid and true, saying it might steady her. “Thank you for - for taking the time with me today. I needed to see you."

"Well," Lexa replied, with a small grin directed somewhere at the ceiling. "Thanks for bringing me my jacket."

Before the awkwardness became unbearable, they both spoke at the same time.

“Do you wan a drin-

"Maybe I will have a-"

They both laughed and Lexa finished,"would you like a drink, Clarke?"

The moved from the living room into the little kitchen nook, where they sat down at the round table and talked to each other in small voices while Lexa mixed another drink. Clarke couldn't say what kind it was.

They sat, and there across the marble surface, their hands found each other. Clarke's left to Lexa's right: their first real admission of the thing that existed between them. It was not planned or calculated. It was just Clarke seeing that finely shaped, soft hand, and then her fingers just seemed to go there on their own. Independent of her doubts about whether Lexa would reciprocate the gesture.

Lexa looked down but remained quiet. Her breath had become shallow while her eyes refused to find Clarke's. But her hand held fast; Lexa's hand stayed right where it was, clasped around hers so that she knew that Lexa was with her, though she refused to meet her gaze.

Clarke allowed their hands to stay where they were. She entwined their fingers and ran her thumb softly over those knuckles. She let the silence play out as long as she humanly could. She sat there, still, save for the caress of her fingers on Lexa's hand -  until her heart felt like it might burst.

“Lexa?” she said finally, not looking up.

The question hung in the air - it was the only question that seemed appropriate, but she worried that asking it too soon would break the spell. To her surprise, Lexa looked up suddenly, her eyes a shade of green unlike any she'd ever seen. With lust in her eyes and something else, too, something like grief or maybe doubt. Clarke was sure then she was going to send her home, but all she did was look up and nod once.

Clarke took that as a yes. She reached out and let her thumb move across Lexa's mouth then. Slowly, letting it follow the curve of her lips up to that sweet little freckle, and back down the gentle slope of the other side. Clarke knew that she knew Lexa's mouth already. Intimately - she had lived with its shape and its sounds in her imagination, but she had never felt it for herself. Not _personally_ anyway, and she wanted to. She needed to. 

It was the pad of her thumb that made the first daring forray into Lexa's mouth. Clarke felt dizzy as every ounce of blood in her body ached with want for this girl. 

She spoke without thinking. "You have the most beautiful mouth."

And then Clarke did what she had been wanting to do for what seemed like her entire life - she leaned across the table and kissed her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Srsly. Do u guys think it's dangerous and unhealthy for me to continue to obsess about this story?  
> What the heck do you all think??  
> More tomorrow. As usual.  
> ps I live to please.  
> xxx


	15. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok - update. Trigger warnings apply for the NEXT chapter. I'm almost done with it.  
> I had to post this now for someone who was counting on me - u know who u are.  
> \----------
> 
> Trigger warnings abound for the rest of this chapter. 
> 
> Anger, pills, dubious consent, yelling, hitting, breaking shit -- it's all gonna be in there. 
> 
> I'm sorry. 
> 
> I love each and every one of you and I'm sorry to have to put you through this but I think it's necessary. 
> 
> Please accept my advance apology for anything you might find disturbing. I promise I won't leave you with a sad tale - but you _may ___have to wait for the sunshine at the end.  
>  Might I remind you, you were kind enough to wait 30,000+ words for just a kiss - please stick with me and I promise I'll do you right.  
> Ahem. 
> 
> I can't help it. This is where my mind went - and I guess it's finally some shit that I haven't dealt with - or maybe just feelings I'm familiar with. 
> 
> It's so interesting the stuff I'm remembering and processing while I'm writing this. It's real for me, I want you all to know that. I'm a real person just like all of you - and this is like my therapy. 
> 
> So you and I, dear readers, we are on kind of an intimate journey together.  
> I promise to be responsible, honest and respectful with you. 
> 
> Sorry for the long disclaimers. They're gonna kiss now. More to come tonight.  
> xxx

Clarke 

In that hotel room with it's majestic views and in the middle of an impending snow storm, Clarke reached across the little expanse of table that lay between them and placed her lips upon Lexa's.

Lexa, who still held her hand while she let Clarke's mouth move where it wanted. Tentative at first, slowly and then a faster kind of slow. It was heady and intoxicating. Their lips brushed as their mouths met - first soft and polite, then affectionate which quickly turned into curious - and finally, as Clarke dared be the first to allow her tongue to wander, their kisses became urgent and wide.

Lexa tasted sharply of booze, softly of tea and wholly exquisite.

Clarke couldn't get enough. Her fingers roved though Lexa's hair as she gradually moved her body as close to hers as the table between them would allow. Hands moved and a chair was pushed back - the table shoved over as their bodies gradually grew closer. But after kissing and being kissed like that, the pace was still too slow. When the distance between them became too much to bear, Clarke simply climbed off of her own chair and straddled Lexa on hers. She leaned into her as Lexa gripped her hips with both hands. Her legs were clamped around Lexa's now, where she could feel the heat rising between their two pairs of thin jeans.

She couldn't say how long they'd kissed like that, there in the bright light of the kitchen as Lexa cradled her in her lap while they still hadn't even shed their coats. They kissed each other until their hair was messy and wild, but it was too light in here - too constricted. Letting their small sounds of wonder, appreciation and lust to be their guides they finally moved to someplace where their skins could touch.

Clarke got up and with needy hands, pulled Lexa to her feet. Their kisses didn't stop - she allowed herself to be backed up into the bedroom while Lexa's mouth assaulted hers until they finally crashed in a tangle of limbs on that small, somewhat uncomfortable mattress.

* * *

 

Lexa 

She felt uncharacteristically open and responsive to Clarke and she gave the girl her mouth in any capacity that pleased her. She gripped her fingers hard into Clarke's hips, harder than she should have, as the blonde straddled her on that chair. In the bright, unforgiving light of the tiny kitchen where their kiss had begun. It took on a life of its own. There was no stopping a force like that. It wasn't possible.

She didn't try to control the pace _or_ Clarke as she had been so accustomed to doing since... _No_.

She let go and allowed the blonde to simply take what she wanted, or a better word would be, _needed_. Clarke was wild, the look of startled lust and desire on her face was simply too difficult to resist. She was tired of resisting. They kissed like that in the kitchen - Clarke straddling Lexas lap until they were shaking with want, still in their clothes. Miles away, it seemed, from where they needed each other.

She let all that other stuff - all the stuff she had intimately been trained to respond to - that seductive control and denial and _violence_ \- she let it all go and allowed herself to simply be with Clarke. To enjoy her body in a way that was natural and good - and right. Games didn't need to factor in with Clarke- it wouldn't be like it had been with - with her.

No, this was Clarke. The only other person she had ever been intimate with and she would let _her_ control the pace. The only choice she could make at this point was to surrender and allow herself be devoured by Clarke. 

* * *

**Thursday**

Clarke

She lay on her side and listened as the snow fell quiet and heavy outside the wide, square windows. She savored this feeling of warmth and bliss in complete silence as she looked over at the sleeping body next to hers. Lexa, lying beside her - hair mussed, her sweet mouth slightly open as she tightly clutched a corner of the blanket in the fingers of one of those magnificent hands.

If she had liked Lexa's hands before, she loved them now. The things those hands and that mouth had done to her - the things they had forced her to _feel_.

Lexa had made her blush all over.

She was not now, nor would she ever be the same Clarke Griffin - the magnitude of the revelation would not hit her for some time.

She turned her head slightly, slowly, so as not to wake her as she looked at the sleeping figure again. Here was this girl, no she would no longer be able to get away with thinking about her as a girl again. Not after what they'd done last night - and earlier this morning, and would do again soon.

And then a pair of sleepy, green eyes looked up and that lovely mouth spoke.“You’re awake.”

She suddenly felt a vast and overwhelming shyness envelop her. She hadn't prepared herself to see those deep, soulful eyes so soon. Something caught in her throat - a panic almost. She had been thrust into reality and it suddenly hit her like a truck.

She was in an unfamiliar bed, naked and exposed lying next to this woman whose body she had unabashedly explored all night long and into the early morning hours. With her hands, her breath, her lips, her tongue. But now, here in the light of day - it hit her full force.

This was real - she was here with Lexa.

Clarke turned her head shyly into the pillow. Hiding.

"Hi," she mumbled.

"It's snowing," Lexa said, studying her from where she lay.

"It's a blizzard," Clarke corrected, stretching out her foot and hooking it around one of Lexa's ankles.

"No shooting today?" She rolled closer, nuzzling her face into Clarke's neck.

"No," she sighed, tipping her head back to allow Lexa's mouth better access to her throat. "Probably not for the next three days."

"Mm." She said, rolling on top of the blonde now and sliding a knee between her legs. "I think I can work with that."

* * *

They spent hours and hours, in and out of each other’s arms and grasps. They tussled and fought playfully, they tasted and bit and pulled each other's hair - sighing into each other's mouths. Waves of pleasure would crest and break only to swell again moments later.

Clarke didn't know it was possible to feel like this. And she couldn't even begin to describe what it felt like. Lexa was hers; they owned each other. Their bodies fit together perfectly - sometimes urgent, sometimes yielding. Their breaths of satisfaction were soon replaced by the sharp gasps of new arousals as they seemed to happen over and over again. Like the tides or the orbit of the moon. Over and over again - they relished in the feel and taste of the other's skin.

As soon as they made their way into the bedroom the night before - after they had left the kitchen where all this had began, Clarke had a moment of nervousness. She whispered softly into Lexa's ear, "I've never done this before."

Lexa, who lay on top of her, pulled back and looked at her, a sudden seriousness enveloping her face. "Are you sure," she swallowed thickly before she added her customary "Clarke?"

Lexa's throat was working overtime, Clarke could see the doubt clouding her face. She really didn't know how Clarke felt - now _her_ throat was dry.

Seeing Lexa so vulnerable and open and uncertain like that did something to Clarke - it called to a wildness in her and gave her the boost of confidence she needed. She flipped Lexa onto her back, growling hot in her ear.

"Let me show you how sure I am."

* * *

Lexa's phone had been blowing up all morning. Around noon, the beeping simply became too much. On her way back from the toilet, clad only in a short towel, Clarke grabbed it from Lexa's jacket.

"Anya keeps calling." She tossed the phone onto the bed. "Don't you need to tell her you're-" She wanted to say 'staying' but the word felt too assuming. She let it drop and sat back onto bed with a sigh.

"No," Lexa slowly kissed her way up Clarke's back. "I don't." She wrapped her arms around the blonde again, pulling her down beside her. They didn't get out of bed again until after 4pm.

* * *

Clarke's head lay in Lexa's lap, while she stroked and petted her hair. "If we don't eat something soon, we're both gonna die."

She bent and kissed her lips. "Are you hungry, Clarke?"

Clarke kissed back, moaning obscenely when their tongues met again. "Yes," she breathed. "For food this time."

* * *

Clarke's phone had been silenced since they left the dining room some seventeen hours earlier. She had looked at it briefly around 2 am - relieved to see a text from Jasper telling her they wouldn't be shooting today due to the weather. She didn't have the wherewithal or the desire to go through the many missed calls and texts. From all her messages, one might have thought that Clarke had been kidnapped by terrorists.

But they'd  _had_ missed the dinner. She didn't know what excuse Lexa had given or even what she'd said to Raven about leaving early - but Clarke's friends definitely knew something was up.

Jasper, as annoying as he was, was quite intuitive and observant. After his initial _where the fuck are you_ texts, he seemed to understand because the next ones were full of hearts and kiss emojis. The last one he had sent said simply, 'coming up for air anytime soon?'

Yeah, Jasper knew her. She didn't call him back, though. Just as she didn't her mother, Jane or Octavia. She didn't want to think about anything other than the woman beside her.

Lexa - who didn't text or call anyone.

They didn't talk about it.

* * *

When evening came, they reluctantly got up and attempted to dress themselves, an endeavor made extremely difficult and highly entertaining by the way Lexa playfully tried to remove each article of clothing as soon as Clarke put it on. They laughed at themselves and at each other. Clarke swatted Lexa's hands away and ordered her to get dressed.

As soon as Clarke put on her boots, Lexa, who had only managed to put on a tank top and underwear, playfully tackled her, pushing her back onto the bed. "Let's get room service," she whispered as she playfully held Clarke's arms against the mattress.

So they did. They ordered pancakes and eggs for Clarke - tea and soup for Lexa who still had a fever and coughed a lot. Clarke made her take medicine at regular intervals and rubbed vapor ointment into her chest, despite her playful protests. She just loved fawning over Lexa - it didn't seem like anyone ever had.

She had foolishly parked her car on the street the night before and now it sat, thick and silent under probably six feet of snow. She hated breaking the spell of their little bubble with real world concerns, but she needed some clothes.

"Would you mind if I had Octavia bring me some stuff here?" She glanced quickly at Lexa who stood in the kitchen, a sheet wrapped around her waist like a sarong as she drank greedily out of an orange juice carton.

She walked closer, brows knitted. "Of course not." She nudged Clarke over so they could lay side by side. "What do you need?"

Clarke explained about the car and the clothes.

"And probably smokes too?"

She couldn't help the grin that erupted. Goddamn Lexa was goddamn glorious. Clarke had been dying for a cigarette.

"Maybe," she teased but soon became serious. "I won't tell her anything."

Lexa flounced down onto the bed and rested her head on an elbow. She looked at Clarke with interest and concern. "You can, you know."

She didn't know what she expected but it wasn't that. She raised her eyebrows and spoke honestly. "I wouldn't know what to tell her."

Lexa kissed her - just a sweet peck really before she got up again, grabbed her phone and went into the bathroom but not before calling out. "That's up to you, Clarke."

* * *

Octavia and Raven showed up two hours later with Clarke's bags. Clarke went down to the lobby to meet who she thought was only going to be Octavia, but was startled to see them both. Sitting together in the bar looking very chummy.

Octavia, never being one to mince her words, called out accusingly. "So where is she?"

She quickly strode towards them, slipping into the booth next to Raven. "Shhhh."

Octavia reached over and grabbed Clarke's chin, turning her head roughly to the side to see better in the light. She undoubtedly saw the very faint, very fresh bruising. Lexa had felt so badly about that - vowing right then and there to only bite below the neck.

"What the fuck, Clarke?" Her eyes narrowed,

Raven must have kicked her under the table because Octavia looked at her now. "What?"

Not wanting to get into this at all, she took a deep breath. Her voice was soft, but there was an edge there that made both Octavia and Raven shut up.

"I don't want either of you-" she looked between them both, "to say a fucking word. I'll explain when I can, but for right now I'm happy and that's all I can say."

She grabbed the cigarette out of Octavia's hand and took a long drag.

She looked at them pointedly. "Can I count on you to cover for me?"

They both nodded wordlessly. Clarke hugged them both before shouldering her bags and heading back upstairs to the most beautiful creature on earth.


	16. Uh oh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I promised triggers - we're getting there. The stage has been set - you have been warned.  
> Next chapter - watch out kids.  
> xxx

**Sunday**

Lexa

She watched Clarke eat with a shyness that seemed grossly counterintuitive to the way her hands had claimed her in every way imaginable. And in some ways that probably no one _had_ ever imagined.

Watching the way Clarke's lips and tongue moved around her food - she was reminded of what they had just done and what they had been doing for three days. She watched as Clarke's tongue poked out to capture a bit of ketchup and felt dizzy all over again.

It had been three days. Days and nights of them together. In bed of course, and in the shower and even the floor as Lexa pulled the duvet to cover them after Clarke had wrestled them both to the ground.

Clarke was wild and had jumped into this with both feet - never once seeming unsure or awkward, save for that brief moment their first night. Clarke had been insatiable and wanted to try everything - her exuberance was intoxicating. With each new discovery about what Lexa liked, she seemed to become bolder and more confident and she seemed to intuitively know what buttons Lexa liked being pressed.

And when she thought about that - about buttons or triggers, she meant the ones she herself considered proper. Physically not mentally - certainly not the way she had been taught by her previous and only lover. Thankfully, those thoughts didn't come up save for a few times when she grabbed Clarke harder and more forcefully than she thought she should. But Clarke seemed to love it - every minute of it as much as she did.

And now it was Sunday. Clarke would go back to work tomorrow and she would fly home. Neither of them spoke about it, although she had heard Clarke on the phone with someone, talking about going back to work tomorrow, she didn't bring it up.

While Clarke was freezing her ass off on the balcony smoking, she scrolled through her messages. Anya was not happy - Lexa hadn't been in contact for three days. A sudden feeling of dread washed over her, she'd have to talk to her soon. Knowing her cousin, she was surprised she hadn't called the police already. She was just about to text her when a certain blonde walked in and stole the breath from her body. As Clarke pinned her roughly to the bed, her hand slipped, a water tipped over and her phone was ruined.

After they had made love again, Clarke again sat by the window in Lexa's thick, cabled sweater, smoking and looking at her laptop. Lexa kissed her head on her way into the shower. Her eyes were playful as she looked at the blonde, hair mussed, wearing her sweater and looking like _that_. Her heart seized then, just as it had that night in that stupid tavern. The night Clarke had looked at her that way. Except now, she knew what that look meant and it made her blood sing.

Clarke had proven to be the biggest surprise of her life.

* * *

Clarke

She'd been with Lexa for over three days. This was new for her. She had always been the one to pursue, only to quickly become disinterested when her prey stopped running and stared her back in the face.

But Lexa was different. Clarke had not experienced her usual desire to run as she did almost every time after having sex with boys. Whenever she hooked up with a guy - Clarke had gotten up the next morning, and even sometimes in the middle of the night, and left whomever she had been intimate with. No words, no note - just gone. In fact, she was kinda infamous for it.

Save for a few persistent suitors who simply wore her down by their constant presence, Clarke had never really spent the night with anyone before. Nor had she wanted to. Until now.

She had also never known that simple acts such as dressing, eating or showering could be so fucking good. Lexa seeped into her every pore and there was nothing she wanted to do without her. She'd never liked sharing a bed with boys - they were too hot and clumsy and they snored. But Lexa - sleeping beside and tangled up in her arms was Clarke's definition of heaven.

She would never sleep the same way again.

She sat near the open window, hanging her bare legs out so that if someone could see them (which they couldn't), they would have certainly gotten an eyeful. Lexa walked towards her - cheeks rosy and hair wild. "Take a shower with me?"

She returned the kiss and waved her off - she needed to check emails. Lexa went into the bathroom and closed the door. A few minutes later, the room phone rang.

* * *

"Hello?" Tentatively - it was so weird to answer the phone and not know who was calling.

"Lexa?" A worried, female voice.

Clarke swallowed. What was she supposed to say? She obviously didn't give it much thought before she blurted it out. "She's in the shower."

That could mean anything, right?

The voice on the phone seemed to relax. "This is Anya, her cousin. Who am I speaking to?"

Uh.

"Clarke?" she said lamely.

Anya laughed but she still seemed tense. "Ok Clarke, could you please tell my cousin I called. She hasn't been picking up her phone for days."

Just then Lexa stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel - eyeing Clarke on the phone. Her eyes were wide but she didn't say anything.

"I'll tell her." She hung up the phone.

* * *

So someone _did_ care about Lexa. Clarke chided her for not contacting Anya sooner. She didn't know the reasons (and there would prove to be many) behind Anya's great concern for her cousin, but she knew it wasn't cool to worry her like that.

But Lexa didn't want to call her back. Her phone was broken but Clarke suspected that wasn't the only issue. "You need to call her," she said when Lexa entered the bedroom.

"I know, I just don't feel like talking to her right now."

"You wanna use my phone to text her?"

Lexa did not want that. She was not going to text Anya from Clarke Griffin's phone number. But Clarke did have her laptop - Lexa could send Anya an email.

Anya had sent Lexa many emails over the past few days. Some angry, others worried and pleading. Evidently Anya had traced Lexa's credit card - that's how she knew where she was. She wasn't at all surprised, Anya had gone to greater lengths to find her in the past.

She sent off an email saying that she had lost her phone and was staying a few days longer, she would be coming back soon. She signed off with an  _I love you_ and logged out of her account. There was something that deserved her attention much more than email.

* * *

She and Clarke went downstairs that night. They got dressed for the first time in days and shyly sat together in that dimly lit bar, feeling so far away from the other now that they were in public and couldn't run their hands all over each other as they had grown accustomed to doing.

It was Clarke who finally brought it up.

"I have to go back tomorrow and..." She looked at Lexa, challenging her to confront the matter with her.

"I know that." And she did - she had thought of nothing else for the past few hours, but she held back. She had to see where Clarke wanted this to go before she started making demands or assumptions.

"What are we going to do?"

She'd said it. The 'w' word. _We_. All those implications.

Lexa almost choked on her tea. She smiled, brilliantly. "What do you want to do?"

Clarke looked like she knew she was going to get her way and although it made her nervous as hell, Lexa kind of liked it.

They decided that Clarke would go to work tomorrow and Lexa would stay one more night. And tomorrow night, they would talk about it. She would make her flight reservation for Tuesday, giving her one more night alone with Clarke before they had to face the real world.

* * *

**Monday**

Lexa

Clarke kissed her goodbye at 5:15 am, bundled up in her jacket, smelling like the lavender soap in the bathroom. "See you tonight," she whispered as she ducked out of Lexa's arms trying to pull her back down. "I'll miss you," she added as the door closed behind her.

Me too.

She was alone for the first time in days. It should have felt good, having her own space like that after being joined at the hip to someone for almost four days, but it didn't. It only made her wish for Clarke's skin - and for tonight, harder. She rolled over and snuggled back into bed. She had time before she had to get up and attend to real life. She had to shower and book a flight - but those things could wait. All she wanted right now was to sink back into that bed that smelled of Clarke's hair and of their lovemking and fall back into slumber while thoughts of a certain blonde beauty dominated her brain.

* * *

Hours later she sat in the kitchen drinking tea and looking at flights on Clarke's laptop.

All the flights for the next day were booked except of course, for the really pricey ones. No matter, she would have gladly paid ten times as much if it meant she got to see Clarke for one more night or even one more hour.

Tonight she and Clarke would have to talk about things that might be difficult, but were necessary if they were going to keep - keep doing whatever the hell this was. They should probably talk about that too.

She booked her flight and went to choose her seat - the site had to reset itself and she couldn't click the back button. She went into the browser history to go back to the page when she saw it.

 

what

 

the

 

fuck

 

 

 _Cassandra Fordham- image search_  
_Cassandra Fordham- image search_  
Cassandra Fordham- global search engine  
Cassandra Fordham + Lexa Woods  
Cassandra Fordham + married  
Cassandra Fordham + kids  
Cassandra Fordham + lesbian  
Cassandra Fordham + Lexa  
Cassandra Fordham - husband  
Cassandra Fordham - image search

And on and on. 

  
The list was so long and at the end of it, was her name, _Lexa Woods_ , over and over and over again.

_Deep breath now count: 98, 97, 96, 95._

She reached for her bag and fished out the bottle of pills. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg did I make y'all worry about your own stalkerish behavior?  
> Remember kids - clear your browser history!


	17. Armor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, here's a little preview of what I'm working on.  
> Lexa's gonna go off.  
> REMEMBER THE WARNINGS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I just added more to this chap. Don't hate me. I'm doing more now. 
> 
> \--------
> 
> Omg - I'm laughing or trying to. I've been in bed for the past ten days with a fractured ankle and NOW I have pneumonia.  
> Lol.  
> This just keeps getting better and better.  
> I'm still gonna work on this - maybe even harder now.  
> I hope you are all impressed.  
> xxx
> 
> Ill add to this later tonight. xxx  
> And these girls smoke a lot. I don't condone it.

Lexa [cont]

  
She didn't down the bottle the way she had years earlier. Oh, no. Clarke wasn't going to get off that easy.

Instead she poked her thumb through the seal and poured a handful of the chalky, white pills into her palm. She looked at her hand - every emotion she'd ever had doubled, tripled - multiplied. She bent over in pain as a sick dread bubbled up into her stomach.

She carefully dumped the handful of tablets onto the counter and reached for the open pack of cigarettes. She grabbed one, placing it between her lips and lighting it like an old pro. She looked at Clarke's search history again. She couldn't fucking believe it.

The girl had been busy. Image after image after image. And articles - tons of them. The blonde had been stalking her since the moment she arrived on set weeks ago. It was all there, all those words: Lexa Woods, boyfriend, gay, lesbian, girlfriend. Image search, video search, Instagram and Twitter. Clarke had looked into every aspect of Lexa's private life.

And she knew about Cass - she couldn't even think about that. 

She sat there clad only in Clarke's soft, faded university sweatshirt while she smoked the girl's cigarettes and stared at the pile of pills on the counter. She should be doing her deep breathing - she should be reaching out. To Anya or - nope, there was just Anya now but Lexa did not want her cousin.

The one she wanted, she would never have again.

A sour feeling washed over her and she doubled over in pain again. She just made it into the bathroom where she vomited out every bit of her stomach's contents. She had to leave. She had to get out of that room like right fucking now. She knelt on the floor - her hands shook and she felt like she was going to pass out. It hadn't been this bad in - forever. She couldn't move. Her hands and feet felt like ice on that cold, unyielding marble floor. She had to get it together but she couldn't get up. She just couldn't.

Her pulse pounded and rang in her ears so hard that she briefly wondered for a moment if she was having a heart attack or maybe even a stroke. Let it come, she thought as she lay there on the floor, brow shining with a sheen of sweat as she lay there - cold, shaking, alone and fucking heartbroken.

* * *

She didn't have a phone. Or a wallet. Fucking Clarke - she had taken Lexa's entire wallet this morning at the brunette's urging, being that she didn't have cash for coffee or lunch. Raven had picked her up this morning - after their sweet goodbye.

A goodbye that now seemed like blasphemy.

She couldn't ever remember being so cold. Even out there on set over the past few weeks - out in the elements, the rain and snow - she had never felt this cold. She grabbed onto the sink and pulled herself up - she was shaking all over and couldn't seem to control her hands which remained frigid and uncooperative.

Something had to change and fast. Despite her body feeling like all it wanted to do was lay on that floor forever, she forced herself to her feet. Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror - she was wearing that goddamn sweatshirt; probably the closest she would ever be to Clarke Griffin again -- she ripped it off and threw it into the trash bin before waking back into the kitchen naked.

There they were. The pills she'd been carrying around for so long - ostensibly waiting for just the right time. Well...

After she helped herself to another one of Clarke's cigarettes- she picked up two and popped them into her mouth, chewing them up like hard candy.

While the entire bottle she'd taken years ago provided a temporary escape from an impossible nightmare, just a few of them now would make her hard - they would fuel the dark rage inside her.

The one she never let out.

* * *

 Lexa [cont]

She walked around their suite naked - a cigarette between her teeth - quietly taking in all the evidence of the past four days.

A half empty water bottle on the floor by the bed, Clarke's lipstick on the edge of that glass, that fucking vapor rub. Their signs were everywhere. And then there was that bed - their bed.

Not anymore.

She extinguished the disgusting butt in a glass of orange juice from last night then went about cleaning up. She roughly stripped the sheets and pillowcases off - throwing them in a ball near the door. She grabbed a trash can and threw every piece of glassware and cutlery in it - then she turned her attention to Clarke's things.

Her phone charger, allergy pills, all that fucking cold medication she'd been lugging around since the airport - all of it, she quickly and forcefully shoved into her bags. One by one. Her sweatshirt - her lip balm - that fucking note she'd left: a heart drawn onto the back of a menu in lipstick.

Fuck that.

She cleaned it all up. All traces of Clarke confined to those two, now bulging bags that sat by the door. She had no phone and no one knew where she was - save for Anya. She had put on an oversized sweater and tight pair of boxer shorts earlier - now she sat in the little kitchen, feet underneath her and surveyed her work.

It was all pristine again, just as if they'd never been up there together in the middle of a snowstorm a few nights ago. Housekeeping had brought new linens, all the towels _she_ had touched were gone. There was nothing left - save for those two bags by the door and Lexa's closed suitcase in the bedroom.

She reached into the pocket of her sweater and felt for them. There they were - round and white - the only friends she had right now. The only ones she could count on. She shook three in her hand like dice before taking one last look around the room.

So this was it.

She crunched them between her teeth like candy, the way she always had when she took them for this particular reason. Not to die, fuck no - she took them to _live_.

* * *

6:30 pm

Clarke would be home soon.

She sat in the straight backed chair, legs crossed - watching as the smoke she blew at the ceiling clouded, then slowly dissipated into nothing.

Waiting.

After cleaning the entire space so that no trace of them remained she began doing what she knew she would - as soon as she'd made the decision earlier in that same kitchen - she knew she'd put on her armor tonight.

She took a long shower, scrubbed herself clean, shaved everywhere until she was completely smooth. She did her hair, curled it, sprayed it - she darkened her lashes with mascara and stained her lips with color. She slipped on those incredibly tight jeans - loving how she felt in them - knowing what other people saw. She skipped panties tonight - it never failed to made her feel reckless, but somehow still in control. Even if she knew the reins she held were tenuous at best.

She decided to skip a bra as well and go for a tight, sleeveless tee - she knew how she looked and felt the way she imagined the Commander might feel before charging into battle.

Powerful.

She would hold her stunning jaw higher and move like she owned the fucking world. She would slip into it just as easily as she had those jeans. She had been here before.

The phone was ringing.

Here we go

 


	18. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids. I feel like I'm living in my own AU, but who is writing it ?
> 
> I told you I'm on medication. 
> 
> I just remembered that stupid Fred. Remember: 'I need my medication'  
> You don't remember ?  
> Whatever. 
> 
> I'm just gonna add short chaps instead of updating each one. That's stupid - why didn't one of you tell me that? I know you thought it.  
> Come on people. Work with me here. 
> 
> ps I just had pizza. It was Arugula with garlic and mozzarella and some other shit. I am not a big fan of red sauce so I told them to go easy. They did. 
> 
> I love you all.  
> xxx
> 
> pps I have a dog  
> ppps I told you I was taking medication. This is fun.

Clarke

Lexa had been in her head all day. She simply wasn't capable of thinking about anything else and her work suffered a little. Not much, but she knew it. The thing was, she really didn't care. She felt as if she had been on another planet for the past few days. Outside in the world, even in _their_ world - it was harsh and garish. After all she'd - after all _they'd_ been through together in such a short amount of time - it blew her fucking mind.

Raven, being the one with the car, had picked her up that morning. The girl served up a greeting in her usual manner - rude with a side of affection. She looked Clarke up and down suggestively - some might have even called it leering, before she grinned in that devastating way of hers - disarming Clarke completely.

"You're glowing." She rolled her eyes but Clarke could see she got it. And she was, glowing. She could feel it. It felt so fucking amazing. The grin on her face was a sight to behold. "It's disgusting."

After making her swear backwards and forwards that she wouldn't breathe a word to anyone, she told Raven as much as she could about the past few days.

She didn't go into specifics, nor did she want to. It was more of an _I can't fucking believe this and holy shit, I can't believe it either_ conversation. But Raven could see what Clarke felt - she was different.

She picked up her phone to text her like a hundred times, only to laugh at herself a second later. Lexa's phone had been destroyed - one of their love's many casualties.

And then she stopped.

Love.

That's what this was. She had no doubt. None at all. Her chest and heart suddenly embroiled in a heated competition for which would fail her first. She was sure it would be her heart.

* * *

She couldn't wait to get back to the hotel. To Lexa. Tonight they would have to figure out a game plan - no way was she not going to nail this down. Whatever it took, she was going to see Lexa. Anytime she had a free day, she would try her best to be with her - wherever that might be. It was good that they were no longer confined by their being co-stars. If they were on the same show and people found out that they were dating - and they would because they were - it could get messy.

She didn't want to worry about that now, all that could come later. All she wanted was for Raven to drive faster - she couldn't wait to see her.

"Just call the bitch." Raven, who could be such a charmer, had noticed her nervous anticipation.

"Her phone's dead."

The brunette rolled her eyes. _Clarke was so stupid_. At the stop light, she quickly brought up the hotel's website and hit the call button. Smirking at Clarke all the while.

* * *

"Well, hello there," Raven purred into the phone and then she was quiet. Lexa was speaking. Raven was smiling.

Raven laughed. Throatily - not the way she had earlier. It sounded like they were flirting. She listened and watched as the girl said, "yes. Yes," that laugh again. And then, "ok, we'll see you in about ten minutes."

She hung up. Clarke looked at her with wide eyes.

"She wants me to meet you guys for dinner. She'll meet us downstairs in the bar."

Although she had no way of knowing it then - her gut feeling had been correct.

Something was wrong.

* * *

It was proving to one of the longest ten minutes of Clarke's life. Raven? Lexa wanted to meet Clarke and Raven downstairs - away from their room? She couldn't sit there and do nothing. She needed more information.

She grabbed Raven's phone and called the hotel.

"Yes?" Lexa's voice sounded very flat, dry - detached.

"Hey," she really was nervous. "I'm on my way back."

There was a fake smile somewhere in Lexa's voice. "I know that, Clarke."

Ok then.

"You wanna have dinner?" Her voice was soft, hopeful - she was giving Lexa a chance to change her mind.

"I'll meet you two downstairs."

And then they both pretended nothing was wrong, said their goodbyes and hung up.

* * *

Raven pulled the car into the lot. Clarke didn't want to do this, but she didn't really have a choice. They walked in, took off their coats and went to stand by the fire. Lexa wasn't there yet.

They grabbed a table and Clarke made sure her chair faced the doorway. She ordered a martini and lit a cigarette. Not caring at all that Lexa didn't like them. She needed this right now.

And then she saw her.

Lexa's entrance could have been in a fucking film; it was that epic. Clarke's eyes snapped up just as she was getting out of the elevator. The woman walking towards her literally took her breath away. She was all legs and hips and hair. Her eyes shone darkly, that makeup was amazing and then there was the jacket.

As Lexa walked even closer - she was certain her heart would stop right then and there. There had never been anyone or anything more beautiful than Lexa in this moment. Clarke was as sure of that as she was something else: the look on Lexa's face terrified her.

Lexa made her way towards them as if in slow motion - every alarm bell in Clarke's head ringing all at once.

She walked up, regal and smooth, a smile Clarke had never seen before playing across those full, red lips.

She had never met Cocky Lexa but she was about to.

 

 


	19. Bulletproof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I guess I just don't know how to use italics properly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys can take it. But mind the tags.  
> xxx

Clarke [cont]

Lexa walked into the bar, looking hot as ever. She joined them, putting a hand on the back of Clarke's neck, leaning over and kissing her briefly, but hard on the mouth. Clarke didn't recognize this kiss, wasn't sure she could trust it - it took her breath away nevertheless. Lexa didn't smile, she fucking smirked as she took the seat opposite Raven and grabbed Clarke's drink, almost downing it in one go.

Raven simply sat there, mouth slightly ajar. If this had been any other situation, Clarke would have teased the girl about being speechless because she surely was. Looking at Lexa, they were both entranced. How could they not be? The bartender, not to mention a group of guys siting in the corner near the television, were clearly appreciating her beauty as well. Clarke wanted to murder the lot of them. She wanted to bash their fucking heads in - the way they were looking at her.

_She belongs to me._

Lexa, who raged in like a fucking hurricane here to destroy them all - albeit a devastatingly beautiful one. [Those are the worst kind - she would later realize]. Lexa sat down, threw back her head and emptied Clarke's glass. Clarke wondered briefly what else was in store for later. She wasn't sure she wanted to know.

Then Raven spoke. Something no doubt that was meant to be cheeky or funny but ended up only shining a bright light on Lexa's foul mood.

She raised an eyebrow, motioning her hand between Lexa and Clarke. "You look good together."

Lexa smiled - a gorgeous sight in and of itself, but it wasn't the right smile. Motioning for Raven to move closer, she dipped a finger into her drink before flicking her tongue over the tip. She paused for effect and looked directly into Clarke's eyes as she said it.

"We look better apart."

Raven laughed but it wasn't funny.

* * *

After Lexa had managed to drain Raven's drink as well, but before she was able to successfully light the cigarette she lifted from her purse, Clarke had had enough. She reached into her bag and grabbed a wad of bills - Lexa's money, and threw what was probably $80 onto the table.

She stood up and grabbed Lexa's arm. "Let's go."

"Clarke," Lexa drawled, so goddamn smooth. Her name sounded all wrong in Lexa's mouth. She drew out the 'a' whereas she usually emphasized the 'r' and the 'k'. This was not ok with Clarke.

Lexa looked at her as if to say _what's the big deal?_

Those green eyes mocked her  "Let's have a drink with your friend, Clarke."

"Now." She dug her fingernails roughly into Lexa's arm, visibly startling her for a split second. Though she recovered quickly, she was no match for Clarke's laser sharp intuition. _Good_ , she thought - _you are in there._

Clarke left no room for discussion as she all but yanked Lexa out of her chair, pulling her roughly by a sleeve towards the lobby. Shooting Raven a look that said _go home and don't say a fucking word._

Lexa who wouldn't look at her until Clarke pulled her into the tiny elevator- where she wouldn't _stop_ looking: she trained those eyes on her like heat seeking missiles. _God, this girl was intense_. If Clarke had ever wondered where Lexa's dramatic ability came from, she now knew. There was much more to this girl than she had ever imagined. What she didn't know was what she was going to do about it and she worried somehow, that she might not have much time.

She leaned against the wall of the car and looked Clarke up and down like she was a piece of meat and she was starving. The sheer amount of hunger in her eyes startled her. Lexa's pupils were fucking huge. Those pretty lips now curled into a cruel kind of smile as she continued to look at the blonde without speaking.

She leaned against the wall looking like she owned the fucking universe and jiggled her hand in a pocket - bringing what looked like a mint up to her lips and promptly chewing it up - daring Clarke to mention it.

She caught the look just as it disappeared - that was no mint. Clarke _knew_ \- she just knew and her chest seized with panic. Something was wrong and Lexa wouldn't talk to her and oh shit. For a split second she seriously considered running back downstairs, trying to catch up with Raven and just go home. But one more glance at the gorgeous, sullen girl beside her - and it was all over. She wouldn't leave Lexa - she couldn't. No matter what happened.

* * *

The fact that Clarke couldn't leave didn't preclude her from getting pissed. As soon as Lexa turned the key, she pushed into the room and was hit by the worst scene she could imagine. The room was bare save for her laptop that sat open on the kitchen table. All her things looked to be siting beside the door that Lexa slammed. The windows shook with the impact.

The sound startled Clarke - she whirled around and was met with the most steely pair of eyes she had ever seen. She saw Lexa's leather bag on the chair and before she could even think, she grabbed it, dumping the contents out onto the carpet.

Just as she'd suspected, they weren't there.

She turned to Lexa again who had sat herself on the edge of the sofa - unbothered. She met Clarke's eyes but did not speak.

"Where are they?" She demanded from where she stood, only a few feet away from Lexa but it felt like miles. She couldn't catch her breath.

Her eyebrows shot up - all amusement and innocence. "What?"

She crossed her arms. "The pills, Lexa."

Lexa threw back her head and laughed. She laughed like that was either the funniest thing she'd ever heard or that she suddenly realized she had absolutely nothing more to lose and found that she rather liked the idea.

She crossed and uncrossed her legs seductively, one over the other. She had to know what she looked like. "So that's how you knew."

Clarke remained silent. What was she supposed to say?

Lexa reached into her pocket again, reaching for another one. Clarke charged her, determined to reach her before the pill reached her mouth. She was too late, but crashed into her, landing in her lap as she failed to intercept it.

Lexa roughly shoved her out of the way and got up. She paced the carpet as she spoke to the blonde who sat on the couch, stunned.

"That's how you knew her name, you know I couldn't figure it out before because her family - you probably read all about them, right?" Her eyes bored into Clarke's before she continued. This was so unlike her - she almost seemed drunk and Clarke figured - with the pills and the alcohol, she very well could be.

"They paid a lot of money so that information didn't get out."  She came closer. Clarke automatically leaned back, anticipating the worst. She grabbed Clarke's bag, wrestling it out of her stunned fingers. She fished out the pack of cigarettes, opening them with one hand, using her teeth to swiftly remove one before she lit it. Her huge eyes never leaving Clarke's as she flicked the lighter and exhaled. If it had been under different circumstances, Clarke would have found it unbelievably hot. There was nothing hot about tonight.

She reached for the laptop like she was an attorney and it was Exhibit A. She then tossed it, hard enough to to break, right onto the coffee table where Clarke could see the screen. It was a her.

She backed up and leaned against the wall, taking a long drag before she spoke again. Clarke couldn't take her eyes off her. "Did you know she was my first, Clarke?"

Clarke slammed the top down. "Lexa, I-"

"Don't," she she shook her head and pointed a finger at Clarke. 

Those eyes held Clarke to her seat. "Did you know that, Clarke?" 

"No."

She laughed again - that same cruel sound. "Well, she was. The first and only woman I have ever loved." She hissed the last word.

Clarke sat there, silent, her chest feeling like it might explode at any moment.

"She was the only person who understood me and she taught me everything I know. And you know what else, Clarke?" She exhaled dramatically, sarcastically and curled her hand behind an ear - waiting for emphasis.

 _Fine, I'll bite._  

"What?" 

"She's dead. But you already knew that." Those eyes trapped her again. Her voice suddenly boomed in the small space, startling Clarke. "Didn't you?!"

God she was fucking amazing to look at but she seemed high as fuck. Clarke had no idea how to manage this situation, so she went with the truth.  

"Yes."

She flicked her cigarette which went sailing through the open window and walked over - kneeling on the ground. She began to pick up the spilled contents of her bag. Her voice was quiet but there was venom there.

"I need you to leave." She wouldn't look up from where she knelt on the floor. "Now."

She tried to catch her eyes. "No."

Lexa wouldn't look up but she nodded. She knew Clarke was watching.

Clarke dropped to her knees - leaning her forehead agains Lexa's. "No." It was desperate - a plea. 

She leaned back on her heels and attempted to get up. Clarke's arms shot around her torso, trying to hold her there. She struggled to keep her there, to keep her from standing up completely.

She tried to peel Clarke's hands away from her legs.

"No." She repeated it over and over like a mantra as Lexa struggled harder, dragging her knees across the rug. 

Then Lexa had tripped and fallen onto her back with a thud, Clarke still grasping at her legs. This was something they had done before, laughing and kissing over it.

But not now - Lexa was furious.

* * *

She cocked her knee in warning - _I'm gonna fucking kick you_  when the blonde attempted to move closer. They stayed tense like that until Clarke finally got up grunting, roughly kicking Lexa's legs out of the way as she walked into the kitchen.

She picked the packet of cigarettes up off the counter, dramatically putting it into her jacket pocket. She strode back in and grabbed her purse - she threw Lexa's wallet which landed onto the coffee table with a thud.

Lexa still sat on the floor, hair falling down over her face. Clarke reached over her and grabbed the laptop. Lexa wouldn't look up.

"I'm leaving now."

She still didn't look up. "Good."

"Good!" Clarke kicked over a brass umbrella stand that clattered loudly. 

Lexa looked up amidst the clang, narrowed her eyes and grinned like she was fucking bulletproof.

"Fuck you, Clarke." At least she got her name right this time.

Clarke held up both middle fingers and narrowed her eyes before saying the one thing Lexa did not need to hear.

"Ditto!" 

She had no way of knowing what was coming, even if she had there would have been no time to dodge.

A flash of dark hair assaulted her as Lexa came lunging forward - Clarke had no time to react before an open palm collided sharply with her cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I'm a terrible person.  
> Hopes the gays won't turn against me - I've seen what those binches can do


	20. The Dark One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LOOK AT THE TAGS AND DONT HATE ME.  
> And Clarke talks too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these are short chaps. Sorry. It works for me, ok?  
> Even if you're mad at me cause I know how y'all love long ass chapters, I hope you will still keep me on your holiday shopping lists.

* * *

Clarke [cont]

She wasn't hurt - she was mad. Not only had Lexa carelessly and selfishly tried to destroy everything they had built thus far, she had put her fucking hands on her - those goddam glorious hands.

She would give back much worse.

She grabbed her by the collar and slammed her against the door, knocking into a table in the process. A lamp crashed to the floor, its porcelain base shattered.

She yanked Lexa back by the lapels of her jacket and pushed her into the door again, once more for emphasis. Hard.

"What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?" She hissed into Lexa's somewhat open mouth - a single tear fell from a green eye, making its way slowly down her cheek.

They stood there in the silent room; the outward appearance of calm betrayed only by their ragged breaths as they studied each other. Clarke continued to pin her against the door, which shook.

"Ma'am?" It was the guy from the lobby - the one who'd helped them check in - he was knocking. "Is everything ok in there?"

Clarke cleared her throat. "Everything's fine." Her voice would have sounded normal to anyone else. But Lexa knew - her face confirmed it as she listened to Clarke assure the man that _really, they were just fine_.

He eventually gave up. Neither moved. There they stayed - pressed up against the door like that with a broken lamp at their feet and bruised hearts in their chests.

* * *

"I know you're hurt-"

"Get off me," she growled, showing her teeth, trying to push Clarke away.

Clarke was strong and held fast, using her back leg for leverage. She spoke quickly, desperately. "I know you're hurting and I'm sorry, but you don't get to walk away from this." She swallowed hard, tilting her eyes to the ceiling, blinking rapidly - determined to maintain some semblance of control.

Lexa pushed hard again, almost succeeding in throwing her off. Clarke held her there, blue eyes challenging. A low, primal sound escaped her lips as she tried again - an effort she knew was going to be futile - but her stubbornness forced her to try.

"If you don't get the fuck off me," her stare was menacing. "You're gonna be fucking sorry."

Clarke wasn't scared but she released the grip on her jacket and stepped back, crossing her arms and leaning on her heels - only a few inches between them.

She raised an eyebrow, trying for playful. Flirty, even. "How sorry?"

"This isn't a game Clarke. I saw everything - all those fucking pictures of me. Where on earth _did_ you find the time between all the meaningful videos you posted of you singing and eating and whatever the fuck _else_ it is you do?"

"How do _you_ know what I do?"

She laughed then - lip curled up in a sneer. "Oh, I know."

"Really, Lexa? Did you search for me on the _Internet_?" Her voice was condescending- she looked at Lexa like she might be the stupidest person in the world right now.

"Yeah Clarke, I did. So what."

Forgive me for pointing out the obvious parallels. Clarke looked at her, eyebrows raised dramatically, waiting for her to get it.

Lexa slipped right through the small space between them and into the room. "So?" She gestured wildly. "I googled you, I didn't _stalk_ you."

She did kinda have a point.

"That's not what I meant." She was softening, trying to get Lexa to come with her. "I'm so sorry, I should have told you the first day I saw you on set when I pretended not to-"

 _Oh shit_. Clarke was caught and she knew it - her brain shifted into overdrive as Lexa pivoted on one foot, advancing upon her with a look of utter astonishment.

Her surprised voice signaled that she hadn't quite put two and two together just yet. "When you _got_ here? I thought you-"

Clarke rushed towards her meeting her in the middle of the room. She rattled off words like machine gun fire. "It was me that night, you gave me the paracetamol and water. I knew her name but I didn't know who she was or that she was de — until the bottle of pills spilled out of your bag and I didn't want to say anything but I wanted to know..." She broke down now, unable to finish due to a great sob that almost broke her.

Lexa looked like she had been hit with a wrecking ball. Now she understood. She set her jaw, cocked her head to the side and attempted to speak. "You what?" That low tone scared Clarke a little. She should have kept her mouth shut.

Somehow Clarke knew to back up, and she did, taking backward steps just as Lexa advanced - as if there were a cord between them. Her breath grew rapid again, she felt her pulse throbbing everywhere.

Her rapid, nervous words came flowing out.

"When we used to see each other on auditions, a long time ago. I had a dream about you, we kissed and — and you've been in my head for _years_ , Lexa."

She tried to let the sincerity she felt show on her face - but it didn't look as if she was being successful.

Lexa advanced, much more composed now. In fact, she seemed downright smug. "You had a dream, Clarke? About me?"

Now it was Clarke with her back pressed up against the door. Was she supposed to answer?

She narrowed her eyes menacingly before bringing her mouth to rest just a whisper away from the blonde's.

"Tell me, Clarke," she purred, lips dangerously close. "Did we _fuck_?" She pulled those pretty lips away without ever actually touching Clarke's.

* * *

Yep, she could feel her pulse _everywhere_. But that was not the point, she needed to show this girl that she hadn't just been some experiment - this was real. She ignored the arousal thrumming in her blood at hearing Lexa utter that word. They hadn't used it yet.

Clarke's pulse was screaming, almost too much ignore, but she felt it and she was _drenched_.

Lexa was practically threatening her - this shouldn't be so hot.

Deep breath - internal pep talk: _get your head together, you're an actress, you can do this._

She cleared her throat, "no, we didn-"

"Then why are you blushing, Clarke?" Piercing green eyes made her dizzy - there was nowhere to hide from them.

She couldn't help it - she may have groaned a little. How could she not? She rubbed her lips together, mouth suddenly so dry. "It wasn't like that."

Quick fingers found the top button of Clarke's jeans and tugged aggressively - undoing it easily. "Are you sure?" Her voice was like poisoned honey.

She arched her back into the door - cheeks on fire. 

She wasn't sure.

A hand was unceremoniously slipped inside her pants, a wrist was angled downward and three fingers entered her - taking her breath away and filling her completely. She moaned at the intense, sudden pleasure of Lexa moving inside her and hated herself for it.

"You don't feel sure." To illustrate the point, she thrust as hard as the confines of Clarke's jeans would allow - pumping in and out of her violently.

"Stop it." She breathed, this was going way too fast.

Lexa's hand was moving way too fast.

"Lexa," she whined - it was building now. There was no way to stop it, a large part of her didn't want it to stop; Lexa's palm was hitting her in just the right spot.

"Stop," she cried, pounding a fist against Lexa's chest.

But Lexa would not stop, she kept her hand where it was, fingers deep inside her - moving even faster now.

" _Please_ -"

It was happening - Clarke had no control over it.

"No!" she shouted as the orgasm assaulted her senses, soaking the palm of Lexa's hand in the process.

Lexa - who yanked her hand free and with a shit eating grin, only inches away from Clarke's face -  held up three glistening fingers and salaciously - gratuitously, licked them.

Like a pig.

Clarke's high came crashing to the ground - immediately erupting in flames.

She did it before she had time to notice _her_ palm now - striking that smug, beautiful face in front of her not once, but _twice_. In rapid succession. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So they got into a fight. I know some of you said this was rape - Clarke doesn't see it that way.  
> Stick with me - it'll get better.


	21. We Are What We Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke + Lexa and their individual ideas about what it means to love someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kiddos, I don't know what happened to me last night. I tried for hours but there was simply no use - I was intellectually and emotionally constipated.  
> My friend who knows about the great gay migration might have something in her figurative shopping basket for that.  
> If you don't know what I'm talking about - you're probably in the majority. 
> 
> Ok, here's what I have so far.  
> I'm gonna post another longer chap tonight.  
> xxx

Clarke [cont]

In that heartbeat of a moment after she had struck her - Lexa staggered backwards, clutching her cheek. With eyes stunned and wide, she slumped to her knees, looking utterly horrified at herself. Covering her eyes with her hands, she then dropped face forward onto the carpet in tears.

Lexa was back, but she was broken. It was evident all over her body - from the slump of her shoulders to the head lying limply on the ground amidst all that hair. She looked like she had given up.

Whatever had happened between them just now was no longer important. The blonde dropped to her knees, attempting to circle protective arms around her, but Lexa immediately stiffened in her grip. Clarke knew intuitively and immediately to retreat.

"Clarke," she struggled through sobs that shook her whole frame. "I'm _so_ sorry."

"Shhh." She soothed, lying there on the ground, aching to hold the broken girl beside her. 

"You're not safe here, Clarke." She moaned into the carpet. "Please leave before you - before I..."

"You're not going to hurt me."

"I just _did_."

"No Lexa, you _didn't_." She laid her head down on the floor, wanting so much to touch but knowing she couldn't. "Everything's ok. I'm here."

"Clarke, everything is _not_ ok." That heartbreaking voice. "I don't have the strength to argue with you right now, so please listen, I —I have a lot of really toxic stuff inside my head and you need to get away from me—"

"Lex—"

"—Clarke, I'm sorry. I never wanted to show this to you I thought maybe I could - with you, maybe I could hide it and it would go aw—"

"—I don't care what it is _Lexa_ , I want to be here." She hazarded a palm out and tried to soothe the tension from a brow that was deeply furrowed.

She wouldn't make that mistake again. Lexa responded to the gesture the way Clarke imagined an injured animal might - she rolled away, quickly backing herself into a sitting position against the door - eyes wide. She bared her teeth at the blonde - a warning with no intent. There was so much pain there.

Clarke could see she was losing Lexa, but she didn't know how to save her. Clearly, she couldn't just wrap her up in her arms - that wasn't gonna fix things this time. As much as she wished for it to.

Out of Lexa's jacket pocket begin to fall, one after the other, little white tablets. First a few, maybe six but then, as she shifted further away - they tumbled out onto the rug in a pile. There were probably at least 30, Clarke estimated.

* * *

What we never learned about Clarke - something not even her best friend knew, was that Clarke's older brother Daniel, who left home before she turned thirteen, had been in rehab five times. Their family never spoke about it. Instead, her father had sent the boy away any time there had been trouble, which happened to be a lot. Daniel had been a free spirited, smart and sensitive kid who only two days after his seventeenth birthday, broke his jaw in a car accident when Clarke had been only six. An accident that led him to a later dependency upon - you guessed it - prescription pain medication.

And while it wasn't ever explicitly stated, Clarke had always known that Daniel was a drug addict. She might not have known the terminology then, but she knew somehow that everything he took, enabled him to cope in world he never truly felt a part of.

She may not have been able to understand the severity of her brother's reality, but she loved him, fiercely and stuck always close by his side durimg the many ups and downs. Clarke had always hung in the shadows near Daniel - whether he was holed up in his room, or while he smoked in her playhouse in the garden at night - little Clarke was always there. A silent witness to his destruction. Until the day that she stopped - when he was just gone from their lives completely - erased, like he never even existed.

There was nothing young Clarke could have done. She knew that now. After years of therapy and struggling with guilt, she really _did_ know that now. But seeing Lexa here, sitting with her back up against that door. It was impossible not to feel like she was right back where she had been ten years earlier - seeing someone she desperately loved caught up in a world of pain, unable to do anything about it.

* * *

She bent down and gathered the pills, one by one, picking them up with one hand and slowly placing them into the cupped palm of another.

They were both very still. Lexa leaned her head back against the door. It appeared her tears had stopped, but she kept her eyes closed. With her arms loosely by her sides and head back like that - Clarke could see there was no more fight left.

She slid back onto her knees, looking at her handful of tablets. "What do they feel like?"

Lexa quickly looked down. It was clear she knew what Clarke had, but it appeared she didn't much care.

She leaned her head back, closing her eyes again. "They make me feel like I might get through another day."

Oh god.

That was honest - something Clarke felt was good, but the way Lexa seemed to stop hiding all of a sudden, made her worry. It looked like she had surrendered to the idea that she had been beaten; like she had nothing more to lose.

This was not ok.

Clarke had always been strategic - some would say manipulative, but they're not telling this story. In an instant she came up with a plan that she knew would succeed in ending Lexa's apparent state of utter defeat.

She may not have known the minutiae of Lexa's life - she couldn't tell you what her mother's maiden name was (although Google could), nor could she say what the name of Lexa's first dog was, or even if she'd had one.

Despite all the things she didn't know - she did know one thing: Lexa would always protect her.

She opened her mouth and crunched a tablet loudly between her teeth - just the way she'd seen Lexa do.

* * *

Lexa

"Jesus Christ!"

She lunged at Clarke, grabbing her face with one hand and pressing a thumb and forefinger into either side of the blonde's cheek - forcing her to spit it out. She quickly used two fingers to sweep Clarke's mouth and tongue clear of any that remained. She gagged on Lexa's fingers then pushed them away.

"What are you doing?" Lexa shouted.

Clarke was trying hard not to make a face - obviously not used to the bitter taste. Lexa _never_ wanted her to know that taste or anything remotely associated with it. And as much as she wanted to crawl back into the dark place with her grief, she knew she needed to step up and do the right thing about Clarke.

That was one thing she could do right.

She got up and yanked the blonde to her feet, dragging her into the kitchen - turning on the faucet she pushed Clarke's head down. "Rinse your mouth," she ordered. Clarke bent down to catch the steam with her mouth. "Don't swallow!"

She spit long and ungraceful into the sink then spit again - clearly disgusted by the taste.

"They're gross, huh?"

"How can you take them like that?" The blonde leaned on the sink with one hand and looked at her.

She shrugged and handed Clarke a towel. "It doesn't bother me anymore."

"How long have you been-?"

"I don't know," she sighed. "It's not important."

She placed a hand careful on Clarke's back - she was still leaning on the counter, staring into the drain.

"You need to go, Clarke."

Even in the low light, the blue of those eyes assaulted her. Making her feel as if the kitchen were suddenly much too small.

"I'm not leaving you."

God dammit.

"I _want_ you to."

Clarke bonked her forehead twice on the countertop - so stubborn. "I will not leave you, Lexa."

Wonderful.

She was somehow going to have to force Clarke to come to the realization on her own - the best thing for Clarke right now would be to get as far away from Lexa as humanly possible.

As long as Lexa was on this earth, she would do what she had to keep Clarke safe. Even if that meant breaking her heart in the process.

As soon as she was certain none of the drug remained in Clarke's mouth, she went about setting the stage.

* * *

She walked over to the door, where they had struggled - where _everything_ had happened. A sharp, almost incapacitating slice of shame ripped right through her. What she had done to Clarke? and this was Clarke we were talking now, not Cass. _Fuck Cass._ She had broken her; Lexa would not allow her to take Clarke down too.

She quietly and efficiently gathered Clarke's things, placing them one by one into her bag. The laptop, she slid that into one of the girl's bags, noting in silent horror, the badly dented aluminum corner. She would have to replace that at some point. She'd send Clarke a check - or, no, definitely not.

If Lexa stayed, Clarke would have bigger things to worry about than a badly dented MacBook, and she would never allow that to happen. She knew what she had to do - Lexa had to make Clarke so angry that she'd never want to see her again.


	22. Anything You Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg u guys. Is it Christmas? I was finally able to write them out of that hotel room. Jeepers, that was a long ass scene.  
> Urg.  
> Hopefully now this will go places.  
> Srsly though - do you guys want me to wrap this up? You want me to continue it? Tell me what you want from me. Omg.  
> xxx

Lexa [cont]

She propped Clarke's bags neatly and carefully beside the door while the girl continued to lean on the sink, ignoring her completely. Lexa _would_ get her to leave - she was just hoping she wouldn't have to cut too deeply.

She came near, intending to touch Clarke's waist but thought better of it. She tapped her on the shoulder. "You need to get back. Come on."

"Come on?" Lines deepening on her brow as she spoke.

"You have to go, Clarke. It's late and you're on set tomorrow."

Certainly Clarke had thought about that?

"Just stop it." She walked past and flung herself on the sofa - putting her feet up. So comfortable. She was acting like tonight never happened. Like what just happened, _didn't_ happen. She did not appear to be getting the message.

It was time to make decisions solely based on her head. She would tuck her heart away and get the job done. She had one job.

* * *

She looked around for the cigarettes, for this she'd need one. Damn, Clarke had them - no way she was gonna ask. That was too familiar, she had no business taking liberties with this girl anymore.

Cigarettes were out, but she did have something else to lean on - something that always came through. She'd knocked them out of Clarke's hand after she'd pulled her stupid stunt: taking one of those pills. What a stupid girl - but it had been effective, Lexa would give her that.

After the incident and while the blonde was still at the sink, Lexa had picked them up, quickly stashing them in a basket that held the newspapers.

Now here was Clarke on the sofa, as if things were back to normal, for what? Was it two, five, ten minutes later? Lexa wasn't sure, but she _was_ certain she needed something to help her get through what she knew would be painful but hoped would be quick.

Quick and painless, isn't that what everyone says? Ha ha. What a goddamn joke.

Lexa needed help - she could totally admit that to herself now as long as it got her through tonight. Tomorrow she could splinter apart into a million little pieces. Tonight she would humanely euthanize whatever feelings Clarke had for her.

It was the right thing to do.

She went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water, then made her way to where she'd put those pills. She bent down to scoop a few into her hand - she wouldn't chew them now. Too risky, that's what the water was for.

She grabbed three and was just about to take them when Clarke sat up and looked at her pointedly.

"Don't stop on my account." She raised her eyebrows like she'd discovered some deep dark secret all on her own. And she didn't have to look so fucking smug when Lexa quickly tucked the tablets into a pocket.

She put the water down. "You have to go home, Clarke."

And nothing. Clarke just wouldn't respond.

"You can't stay here, Clarke. You need to go home. Now."

Recognition didn't register on Clarke's face at all, but she did speak - scarcely audible, but they both heard it.

"I'm staying."

What was she gonna do, wait her out?

She didn't want things to get heated again - she didn't trust herself with Clarke. That girl made her feel too much - it made her feel dangerous. And part of that was the fact  that she was crazy about the blonde. But she was not going to let herself go there.

No. She had one job, she'd keep her head until it was done. No more fighting, no arguments - certainly no close talking where she might accidentally-on-purpose kiss Clarke. No, she had to quickly figure out a way to get Clarke to leave without causing a scene.

She thought about ways to do that as she casually glanced over. Clarke just sat there - with her lip quivering slightly and her little brow all creased and worried. And cute - she was still so cute. Stubborn and cute. It was as if she thought if she just sat there long enough or _believed_  in them hard enough, things would simply get better.

Something that made what came next, especially difficult.

* * *

She sat down, putting her feet onto the coffee table. She looked directly into Clarke's eyes and with no affection or familiarity, she spoke.

"Would you be ok with signing a non-disclosure agreement?"

That worked. Clarke's reaction brought to mind the thing people said - it looks could kill ? That was Clarke right now.

"Excuse me?"

She took her time, intending to lay a nice foundation of bullshit upon which she would build and then feed Clarke's hatred of her until it was strong enough to fly out the door on it's own.

She continued casually, as if it was a very reasonable request. "It could hurt us both if word got out about this - about our - fling."

Motherfucker! Why had she stuttered? Clarke was like a shark, Lexa was sure that girl could smell blood in the water. She meant to say _indiscretion_  and she sure as shit hadn't meant to say _our_.

No matter. What she'd said would be enough. It was a shitty ploy but it would work. Asking Clarke to sign a non-disclosure agreement about their time together would surely signal to the blonde that Lexa did stuff like this all the time and that they had not been anything special.

She waited for the tears and the  _fuck you, I never want to see again_ but it didn't come. What came next surprised her.

"I'm so glad you mentioned that because I was actually going to ask you the same question."

 _You what_?

"I know I said you were my first but that's kind of my kink," she smiled that ray of fucking sunshine smile then added the cherry on top. "It's so hot the way girls are when they think I've never done it before.

* * *

Clarke

If Lexa wanted to get her out, she was going to have to do better. Clarke could read her like a book. Lexa must have thought she was clever, but no one did _clever_  like Clarke Griffin. Lexa was way out her depth here. 

Clarke was nothing if not observant- she knew exactly where Lexa had stashed those goddamn pills. She had seen this bizarre hoarding behavior with her brother. Her mom once went through the house and had found pills everywhere. Stashed in pockets, drawers, vases on the mantle. Drug addicts were sneaky mother fuckers. Clarke had an eagle eye - she couldn't help it.

Which was precisely why she knew that Lexa was lying to her. Non-disclosure agreement. Really? She had underestimated Clarke.

"So I wasn't your first?" Lexa's jaw was practically on the floor.

"Nope."

The phone ringing jarred them. It rang. And rang. Neither of them moved.

"You're lying, Clarke."

Clarke sat up and looked into those wide, green eyes - seemingly untroubled herself. "Not only were you not the first, you weren't even the best."

* * *

Well that escalated fast.

Lexa got up, taking long strides to the door, which she flung open, it's handle hitting the oppose wall loudly. She grabbed Clarke's bags and threw them out into the hallway one by one, with such force, one sailed close to the elevator and fell to the ground - spilling most of its contents.

"I want you out of here right now." Lexa was shaking - seething.

Clarke hadn't intended for things to go this far. She got up and attempted to close the door. Lexa wrestled it away from her, putting herself between it and the frame so it couldn't close.

"Hey." She grabbed Lexa's arm, attempting to pull her inside. "I was just kidding, come on-"

"-I never want to see your _face_ again." She struggled to push Clarke out into the hallway.

They weren't exactly quiet as one tried to pull the other in and the other tried the opposite.

"Goddamn you, Clarke. Leave!"

"Listen to me. I just said that because you just asked me to sign a legal fucking document, Lexa!" Clarke was yelling now. "I will not let you push me away like you probably have everyone else in your life."

That was one blow. And it hit Lexa hard, but Clarke was on a roll and she didn't see the shift.

Next came strike number two:

"Don't you get it!? I'm in _love_ with you."

Clarke didn't think Lexa could look any more surprised - then they both heard it.

* * *

"Step into the hallway, ma'am!" A loud, male voice startled them both. Clarke had Lexa pinned against the open door frame. It was obvious they had been embroiled in an heated altercation. A few curious heads popped out as doors opened. Clarke stepped out into the hallway, a flashlight trained on her face.

"You too." A young female police officer gestured to Lexa while her partner focused on Clarke.

* * *

Lexa 

Lexa and Clarke sat separately while they were questioned individually. The male officer whose badge said J. Rottinhell, sat with Clarke in the kitchen while the woman turned her focus on Lexa who sat on the sofa.

"What is the nature of your relationship with," the woman looked at her notepad briefly. "Miss Griffin?"

"Co-workers." Lexa knew better than to elaborate. This was gonna be bad for both of them and she prayed to God one of them didn't decide to frisk her. She still had those pills in her pocket. She had to remain calm.

The woman looked at her with kind eyes. "Did she do that to you?" She gestured to Lexa's face. A faint red mark appeared on her cheek, most likely from her struggle with Clarke over the door.

She raised a hand to her face. She didn't feel anything.

The lady continued. "Is there a safe place you can go tonight?"

Omg, she thought Lexa was a victim of domestic violence. If anything she thought, in that equation  _she'd_ be the abuser.

"There's nothing going on, we were just kidding around."

"Miss Woods," the woman went on quietly, ostensibly so Clarke wouldn't hear - assuming Lexa had been abused at her hand. "There are people who can help you."

* * *

Clarke

Her drivers license has expired over a month ago and this dude was being a dick about it.

_Yes, I've been drinking. A few glasses. No drugs. No I'm not a citizen. We're just friends. I never put my hands on her. Yes, if you talk to her she's going to say the same thing. Blah, blah, blah._

They went through it all. Clarke was positive these two were just bored, excited to go out on a possible girl on girl domestic abuse call. She and Lexa did a great job of stonewalling them even after they came in and saw the mess they had made of the room.

Not only was their room a mess, Clarke's clothing was still strewn across the corridor. This didn't look good at all.

Clarke and Lexa sat on the same sofa, now at opposite ends while they listened to the lecture. It looked like they were finally going to get up and go when there was a knock at the door. The male officer answered and in walked a tall, blonde woman with exquisite cheekbones.

"Anya." Lexa breathed, eyes full of panic - Clarke could see it plain as day.

* * *

 The woman was magnificent. Hot, exotic - all lips and hair - imposing and sexy as fuck. She strode in like she owned the world.

"You two." She gestured to the two officers who were looking more like rookies every second. "Let's go." She pointed them toward the door.

"Who are _you_?" That little female officer was plucky.

"Anya Woods." She reached into her breast pocket and procured a business card. She handed it to the officer and gestured to Lexa. "Her lawyer."

The male officer looked at Anya like a lot of men would - she was gorgeous to be sure. He tipped his hat to her and then to Lexa and Clarke who sat on the couch speechless.

"You ladies have a good evening and try to keep it down." He smiled the smile of the ignorant.

The woman wasn't so sure - she didn't seem to buy the _we're just friends, everything's cool_ story they were selling. She looked at Lexa one last time. "Are you sure you don't want to stay somewhere else tonight?"

"No thank you officer. I'll be with her tonight and she'll be just fine." Anya waved her hand in dismissal. She turned her intimidating glance on Lexa. "We have _a lot_ to talk about."

Talk about tense.

As Clarke watched her cousin expertly handle the police and when they were almost out the door, Lexa did a curious thing.

She stood up and said, "she didn't hurt me."

The officers turned around.

Lexa got up off the couch. "I hurt her." She pointed to Clarke. "I forced myself on her."

"Lexa, _stop_ it!" Anya grabbed her, attempting to put a hand over her mouth.

Lexa struggled out of her grasp and stumbled toward the woman officer who held out her arms to catch her.

She pointed at Clarke again. "I hit her and then I _raped_ her."

"Lexa!" Anya shouted. It was like it was all happening in slow motion.

The cops didn't seem to know what to make of this, but Clarke did. This was the only way Lexa was going to get out of this situation without having to talk to Clarke or Anya. What a foolish thing to do.

Lexa dramatically proffered her wrists out towards the officers. She was on a kamikaze mission. "If you don't arrest me, I'm gonna do it again."

She then lunged at Clarke as if she were going to attack but only managed to make it a few feet before she was wrestled to her knees and then to her stomach - zip ties around each wrist.

_You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you..._

Clarke and Anya watched helplessly as Lexa was pulled to her feet and led out of the room in handcuffs.


	23. It Takes As Long As It Takes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> =＾● ᴥ ●＾=

Clarke [cont]

Seeing Lexa being hauled away like that terrified her. She rushed out the door, attempting to follow, but a firm hand on her bicep had other plans. She found herself being yanked back into the room while that lady cop got all up in her face - saging things like  _pressing charges_ and _taking statements_.

"I'm not pressing charges - she didn't do anything!"

She managed to twist her arm out of Anya's grasp and slip through the door where she saw the male officer leading Lexa towards the elevator. She raced to catch up with them, nearly tripping over the pile of clothes in the hallway. (Remember Lexa threw all that shit out there? Ok.)

Clarke knocked into the both of them, thrusting her arms around Lexa who struggled to stay upright as her hands were cuffed behind her. She pressed their lips together.

"I love you," she whispered - hot and desperate through her tears. She repeated it again into Lexa's neck. "I love you."

And now Clarke's arms were being restrained. "Let's go." That female officer - Clarke wanted to murder her on the spot.

"Jesus! You can't do that!" A sharp, male voice.

All eyes turned to Anya who had managed to knock a cell phone out of the bellman's hand and onto the floor. She proceeded to crush its screen with a spiked heel. Crunch, crack! He had been recording them - no doubt intending to sell the footage to some trashy rag. An argument ensued between them now - the cops coming over to assist.

Clarke used the moment of confusion to her advantage and rushed Lexa a second time, wrapping her arms around her neck - trying to get as close to her as possible before she was ripped away again.

Lexa whispered into her hair. "My pocket, Clarke."

She knew exactly what that meant. Clarke kissed her hard - they shared a carnal, open mouthed kiss that served enough of a distraction that she was able to reach into Lexa's right pocket and remove the three tablets - tucking them into her own palm as she did so.

She could let go now, but she wouldn't. Not until she was torn away. Not to be melodramatic, but Clarke felt that she could have died happy there by Lexa's side - kissing her for as long as she could before she was cruelly ripped out of her arms.

A new pair of arms circled Clarke now as she slumped to the ground. Anya held her back and they watched as Lexa was thrust into the elevator. Lexa, who stared helplessly into Clarke's eyes as the door slowly slid closed - eclipsing their view of each other completely.

Clarke sobbed - Anya tried to pull her to her feet, but when Clarke would not budge, she got up and began gathering Clarke's things, leaving her to sob in a heap on the ground.

"Beat it!" She snapped at an elderly man who opened his door a crack - startled eyes peering out. The door quickly shut.

"You," she reached a hand out to Clarke, who took it. "Let's go." She pulled Clarke to her feet and steered her back into the suite.

* * *

Wasn't Anya going to follow them? To find out where they were taking Lexa and like, _bail her out or something_? But Lexa's cousin shut the door and motioned for Clarke to take a seat on the sofa. When she didn't move, Anya snapped her fingers and pointed to the couch. There was no mistaking the gesture - Clarke was expected to sit until the woman was ready to deal with her. So she sat, sobbing into her hands.

Lexa was gone. The police had taken her and while some small part of Clarke's mind worried about the negative press this could elicit - she was utterly traumatized about the way everything had happened and couldn't be bothered to worry about anything else right now.

All she wanted was Lexa.

Anya was speaking to someone on the phone who sounded like they could be a lawyer. She rattled off the name of the town, the name of their hotel and both officer's names, then began to talk in a hushed tone.

Fuck this. Clarke snuck her phone out of a pocket and looked up the number for the local police precinct. She called it and was waiting for someone on the other end to answer when her phone was snatched from her hand.

Anya put Clarke's phone in her pocket and continued with her own conversation.

This was the first time Anya and Clarke had met and it pretty much set the stage for all of their future interactions. They would eventually grow to enjoy a tense camaraderie that grew out of a shared love for a certain green eyed beauty but for now, things were tense.

Clarke continued to wait - Anya was on the phone and she was expected to stay put. Finally she hung up and came into the living room where she began rummaging through Lexa's bag.

If Anya had been anyone besides Anya, Clarke would have bailed and did want she wanted to do - which was find Lexa, but in some strange way, siting here with Lexa's cousin made Clarke feel less worried.

This woman seemed like she could do anything.

* * *

She finally asked.

Wasn't Anya gonna go get her cousin?

Nope - she'd done that the first few times and ended up spending the entire night (often into the next morning) in a cold, institutional waiting room with a bunch of _losers_. She seemed to know from experience that these things took time.

Clarke also suspected that part of Anya wanted to make Lexa wait - she didn't hide her anger well and it was clear she was furious. Clarke thought Lexa had been intense. Wow. Anya wasn't aggressive per se, just incredibly assertive.

Well ok, maybe a _little_ aggressive. 

So she sat there, silent and somewhat scared of Lexa's intimidating cousin. Clarke wanted nothing more in life than to get in her frozen SUV and go find her - like, right now. She'd be willing to pay anything she had to - bail or whatever, and she felt more than willing to sacrifice her career to do it.

Clarke Griffin may have have had dubious morals about some things, granted - but she had no grey area when it came to Lexa.

She was going to do whatever she had to - even if it meant having to sit there and watch Lexa's devastatingly hot and angry cousin all night. The cousin who seemed by her very presence, to disregard that Clarke had any involvement in what occurred tonight, but kept her there anyway. Like she was just one more thing that had to be dealt with.

"Is this hers?" She called from the bedroom, pointing to Lexa's suitcase. Clarke nodded - Anya dumped it out onto the bed and began rifling through things like a fucking detective.

She was quick. "How many is she taking?" She held up the bottle of pills Clarke had seen fall out of Lexa's purse days ago.

"I don't know."

She sighed loudly, while continuing to search through Lexa's stuff. "Are you two sleeping together?"

Clarke nodded - eyes wide, stunned into silence. Anya abandoned further conversation and resumed expertly tossing the rest of Lexa's belongings. When she appeared finished, she walked out of the bedroom and sat down - her body seemed to soften. She let out a large breath and looked at Clarke.

"I can see you care about her."

It was painfully obvious just how much. Clarke knew she looked as bad as she felt - red faced, bleary eyed and utterly devastated.

"I really do." She curled her lips up, trying to stifle a sob. She wasn't successful and tears began to fall.

Anya exhaled loudly again. It was as if she was pacing herself - saving her strength because she'd been through this before and knew what to expect. She slipped a small silver flask out of the coat she'd slung over a chair - unscrewed the cap and took a sip.

"I'm really sorry." Anya handed Clarke the flask, which she accepted gratefully. She took a sip and handed it back, feeling a bit more comfortable now.

"How can I help her?"

"You can't, Clarke."

They hadn't been formally introduced- in fact, there has been _no_ introductions. She only knew who Anya was because she'd told it to the police when she said she was Lexa's lawyer. Clarke wondered briefly if that were true, but she was much more interested in how Lexa's cousin knew her name. So she asked.

"How do you know my name?"

Lexa didn't seem like she ever told anyone anything, but maybe?

"Did she - _mention_ me?"

* * *

Anya

She nodded her head in acknowledgement - Clarke Griffin certainly _was_ clever. She understood why Lexa had kept her a secret - there was most definitely something very real and possibly even rare - between those two. Anya could clearly see it, which must have meant that Lexa had as well. She was willing to wager right then and there - Lexa must have been terrified when she realized she had feelings for the blonde.

"She did, yes."

Damn the hope in those pretty blue eyes as they waited for more. Which they received.

"She mentioned you."

"How can we help her?"

"We can't. Only she can - you're just going to have to accept that."

The furrowed, determined brow was begging to differ. She shook her head rapidly. "No. I'm not just going to leave her to deal with all this by herself. I caused most of it."

_Why did everyone always think it was their fault?_

"You have to understand that she's been this way for a long time. And whatever it is you think happened between you, it didn't cause this." She gestured to the room at large.

Anya had seen Lexa through hell and back - she practically felt like she had been dragged alongside her as she grappled with the grief of Cassandra Fordham's death. Not only had Lexa been left bloody, lying in a metaphorical gutter after it happened - she also couldn't help from slamming her own head against the hard pavement any time she wasn't convinced she was suffering enough.

After Cassandra's death - Lexa had waged an all out war on herself - her body in particular. Anya had taken to scanning any exposed skin for marks. And on some days, when she would come home home to find Lexa in the bathtub without the door open (Anya's strict rule and one of their _deals_ ), she would bang on that door like a shrew until the person on the other side of it answered. Anya had been so worried Lexa would hurt herself again that she let it turn her into paranoid bitch.

Anya was solid in virtually every area of her life save for one: Lexa. And no matter how much she wished she could, she would never walk away. She immediately recognized the same trait in Clarke but instead of being glad about it, she felt the need to protect Lexa even more.

Ever since Lexa's father had died, not to mention all that mess with her mother and then Cass - she had carried a strong but irrational fear that everyone she loved suffered in some way because of their relationship to her.

It had been more than two years since Cass's death but Lexa still refused to date and she certainly would never have had casual sex. Anya had looked on as girls attempted to flirt with Lexa (and there had been a lot) but she never paid them any mind. She seemed to not even have any sex drive.

Anya had long suspected that Lexa didn't believe she deserved to be happy while at the same time, irrationally worrying about the fate of anyone she might grow to care about. It was a deadly combination of beliefs that almost guaranteed she'd always be alone.

Anya hated Cass for what she'd done to her cousin. With someone else it might have been different, but for Lexa who loved completely, utterly and purely - her relationship with Cass had been all that mattered. A fact that made her especially susceptible to Cass's appetite for kink. Because of her undying love, Lexa would have followed Cass anywhere. Anya would never let go of her resentments about that woman. She had led Lexa down a dark and dangerous path. One she was apparently still on.

Lexa was the kind of girl who would never have left someone she loved - no matter what that love had turned her into, she would remain steadfast and loyal. It was a noble trait, as many of Lexa's were, Anya just wished she could somehow erase the part of her that still hurt. And if Anya was being honest, a large part of her _was_ glad that woman was gone - she simply wished it had happened differently. She wished the aftermath didn't keep bringing Lexa back to death's doorstep.

And now this. Anya didn't know exactly what had gone on between Clarke and Lexa, but it must have been something huge. And if she was correct in her assumption, which she pretty much always was, Clarke was in love with Lexa and she seemed like just the kind of person who Lexa would fall for.

And it could have been wonderful - if Lexa was not broken. And she still was - Anya knew that now unequivocally - Lexa's psyche was basically on life support. She hadn't been this reckless in years which made Anya more determined than ever to find out what had triggered this so she could get Lexa as far away from it as possible.

* * *

"How long have you two _been_ —" She waved a perfectly manicured finger towards the bedroom.

"Not long."

"But you love her?"

Clarke's blush told her everything she needed to know, but she answered anyway. Anya could see she was in deep.

"You have no idea."

* * *

Clarke

They sat there in that wrecked suite, drinking Anya's booze and talking until after three in the morning. Clarke told Anya about meeting Lexa in the bathroom that night so long ago. Clarke learned that it had been the night before Cass's death.

Cass and Lexa had fought earlier and as a gesture of good faith, she had accompanied Lexa to the club that night. Something she didn't normally do - which as they both now knew, was because the bitch had been living a double life.

Clarke hated to think of another woman as a bitch - especially a dead one, but the more Anya talked, the more she grew to despise Cass.

When Anya made reference to some _sick sex shit_ regarding Cass and Lexa - Clarke felt as if a hot spear had been slowly slid into her chest. Anya was too respectful to go into specifics, and Clarke would have never been the same if she had, but she got the idea. Lexa had been taught some very dangerous games.

Clarke placed her own hand over her stomach. "Did she—" she could scarcely form words, the thought was so vile. "Did _she_ do that?"

That twisted, pink scar on Lexa's abdomen. The one Clarke had all but tried to worship only to be pushed away each time her fingers or lips approached. Had that been made by Cass? The thought made her want to vomit. Lexa's scar had intrigued her from the start and Clarke had immediately been drawn to it - the only imperfect part on Lexa's entire skin, which only made Clarke want to fawn over it more. But Lexa's body language had screamed, _don't touch me there_. Clarke knew they were too new to push the matter - but she planned to. At some point, those scars would be talked about. There wasn't any part of Lexa she didn't want to know, and she would be patient - willing to wait as long as it took.

The way Anya spoke about Lexa, being broken beyond repair. Clarke wasn't sure she agreed. Lexa may _have_ been broken but she was strong. Given enough time, Clarke knew she'd be able to heal Lexa, and she fully intended to try but there was a problem.

She was fairly sure at this point: Anya didn't want her anywhere near Lexa. She might be able to see that Clarke did actually care, just that she thought she knew better and was going to do what she thought was right.

While it would have been nice to have Anya's support, it wasn't necessary by any means. She would find Lexa on her own. Clarke would not be deterred and while she stayed up all night smoking cigarettes with Lexa's stunning cousin, she began to plan her next move


	24. Fucked Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think you guys are gonna feel like this chapter is kind of hopeful next to our most recent. I do too. Dunno if that will continue but I can swear to you right now that I won't kill anyone. (Unless you all want me to. Then I will. I will kill them. All of them).  
> xxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's like this little dance we do - I slam your hearts into the ground and you say nice things.  
> I love our relationship.  
> xxx  
> ps Please to forgive me for the tardy update - I have been suffering from the low inspiration.  
> pps kinda scared - we're approaching six hundred and sixty six kudos. Eek. Hold me.  
> PPPPS I DON'T SHIP RAVEN + OCTAVIA. I LIED. HAHAHAA

Lexa

**Tuesday** 4:20 PM

Airports would always remind her of Clarke.

And after the night she'd had, with Clarke and the police and _Anya_ \- the last thing Lexa wanted to do was go out in public. Having to get on a flight - _coach_ for seven hours - well, that was just bullshit.

Bullshit or not, she knew she had to get out of that town which is why she didn't put up a fight when Anya had booked them at the last minute.

Anya had picked her up at the little police station early that morning. Well, it wasn't early enough for Lexa's tastes. They had been ready to release her a few hours after hauling her in but Anya hadn't shown up until 10:30 which meant Lexa had sat in a cold cell for close to 11 hours. Anya was gonna be furious at her - she knew it, which only served to make the ache in her body worse.

* * *

 **Earlier** : 5:00 AM

She wouldn't think about Clarke. For her own survival, she _couldn't_. Instead she focused on the cinder block walls - counting them up and down. Sixteen across and ten down - 160 on one wall - 480 for all three. Symmetry - hmm. The other wall was a row of bars. She counted them like she did practically everything else in the past - only when she _needed_ to.

As a child Lexa had found comfort in numbers, patterns, shapes and angles. She had always been able to lose herself even if just for a little while, by counting things like floor tiles or panes of glass or even - if there was nothing else available, her own freckles. Anything to take her focus away from the pain. And in Lexa's young life, there had been a lot of it. So she counted things.

She counted everything in that tiny cell and when that was done, she halved and then multiplied those numbers. She then tested herself by closing her eyes and trying to replicate the patterns in her mind. It was a little difficult right now given that she'd ingested all those drugs - but her mind was quick and it allowed her to retreat back into her head - a place she'd lived for years, knowing from experience that it wasn't safe, but there was nothing else to do. Nowhere else to go.

Before the police station started really coming alive for the day - it was probably 5:30 she guessed by the small slant of light the sliver of window afforded, the heavy metal doors slammed - a jingle of keys and then:

"Woods, let's go."

 _Finally_.

She was led, in handcuffs again, into a small room where there was only one chair. Though a thick, dirty pane of glass, she could see another identical room behind it. A visitor - great.

Wonderful  - she would be a captive audience for Anya's inevitable lecture; she was gonna waltz in, no doubt looking fresh and rested despite Lexa knowing that she'd most likely been up all night. Then she would give her spiel: _What the fuck were you thinking? I found them, I trusted you, you're in jail, career could be over, blah blah blah. Things are gonna have to change, rehab, therapy_ and Lexa's personal favorite: the one her cousin used when nothing else seemed to reach her: _if you don't (xyz), I'm going to cut you off._

Yes, Anya controlled Lexa's finances. There had been no other way around it. When they first moved to LA, all she had done was sit in her room or later, the garden - refusing to take any responsibility for anything. Lexa probably wouldn't have brushed her teeth if Anya hadn't nagged her about it.

It was Anya who took care of the money and _most_ of the contracts; being that she was trained as a lawyer, it was the logical choice. Lexa didn't know what she would have done without her cousin - especially after everything that had happened, but the two also clashed. More often than not nowadays.

As soon as Lexa had noticed herself slipping - and she _had_ noticed it - she pulled away from Anya completely. She was the only person alive who could reach her - no way she was gonna risk upsetting Anya after she had practically begged her not to accompany her to Canada in the first place. She was paranoid that Lexa was going to harm herself even though at that time, she hadn't for over a year.

Anya had relentled only after Lexa promised she would call or text every single day - but Lexa had fucked that up as soon as she began feeling fucked up about something else. Something most of us _would_ feel fucked up over in a good way. But still fucked up.

Lexa knew very well that there _was_  one other person who got her. Someone who always seemed to be able to read her despite the fact that she was always hiding. But that person was unavailable now.

Permanently.

Lexa still had enough self preservation left to know that any thoughts about Clarke - however innocuous, could prove to be deadly. There were plenty of sharp edges around, one only had to look. 

She would not go there so she sat her cute, little ass in that chair and waited.

And counted.

* * *

Clarke

She'd been awake for almost 24 hours and everything hurt. Awake with Lexa's cousin all night - in that hotel room drinking Anya's liquor while she sat across from her, smoking all of Clarke's cigarettes.

Neither said much after the questions about Lexa's scar were asked and answered. From what Clarke had observed, Lexa's family didn't seem very forthcoming - about  _anything, so she w_ as surprised by Anya's candor.

She expected Anya to shut down any conversation regarding the matter, same as Lexa had, but she didn't.

Clarke placed her own hand over her stomach. "Did she—" she could scarcely form words, the thought was so vile. "Did she do that?"

"In a manner of speaking."  Anya's tone sounded purposely vague, which to Clarke, definitely invited further discussion.

"Did she _cut_ her?"

What a terrifying thought.

"No." She grabbed Clarke's last cigarette and lit it before answering. "She did that to herself."

* * *

As much as Anya intimidated her, Clarke wanted to know everything about Lexa and although she would soon grow to hate the answers, she asked questions. Lots of them.

There wasn't only one scar as Clarke had initially believed. Anya, thinking Clarke already knew, talked about the large one (the one she'd seen in bed and in the shower), and through Anya, she learned that there were hundreds of smaller cuts on top of and around the first.

Lexa had made them all herself. The first one, the largest, Anya said that Lexa had tried to end her own life by stabbing herself and then jumping off a small bridge into the water. She had almost died - not from the jump or the self-inflicted wound, from all the pills she'd taken. More than 40 at once.

A boy of 16, on his way to work at a movie theater had seen her jump and fished her out - performing CPR until an ambulance arrived.

At first, the doctors had not been hopeful, but Lexa had proven to be strong. (Not to mention very, very lucky). The boy's name was James and Anya had kept up with him afterward, even paying for his college despite the family's objections.

Anya didn't know why she was telling her all this, but Clarke thought she did.

She suspected the reasons for Anya's candor were twofold. One, she simply needed to talk to someone, who wouldn't after this? And two, Clarke suspected that Anya was telling her all this to scare her away.

But it had backfired- Anya didn't know that everything she had just said only served to make Clarke's love for Lexa stronger.

* * *

So Lexa had been cutting herself - opening up the wound over and over again with anything she cold get her hands on. Staples? Anya learned to remove them from magazines. Safety pins - she could not be trusted. And while she never made as big of a cut as she had that night two years earlier, Anya worried that at some point, she might.

She said all this from her place on the floor, legs crossed, leaning up against the sofa. Anya wasn't the easiest person to be around, but Clarke could definitely see the love for Lexa beneath her hard exterior.

She removed Clarke's phone from her pocket where she'd stashed it earlier and looked at the screen, which was no doubt, filled with new texts and missed calls.

"Who's Raven, she keeps texting?"

Clarke explained, assuring Anya that _yes, Raven could be trusted_.

Anya then took the liberty of texting Raven from Clarke's phone. She didn't bother to ask, that really wasn't her style.

 **Clarke 3:42 AM** I need you to come and pick me up. Tell no one.

 **Raven 3:48 AM**  U better be fucking dead

 **Raven 3:48 AM**  I hope u 2 made up. Ur disgusting

 **Raven 3:48 AM**  Rlly? Pick u up or lick u up? Lol.

Evidently she thought this was funny.

Anya looked at the screen as the messages arrived one by one - she seemed so judgy which is why Clarke was really surprised by what came next.

She grinned - an actual grin and handed Clarke the phone.

" _Call_ her," she said.

* * *

Raven showed up about 20 minutes later, no doubt full of curiosity about the woman she'd just flirted with on the phone. As if it was totally normal to do such a thing - and at this hour.

In this context.

Clarke felt as if she'd stepped into some bizarre alternate universe. Lexa was in jail and no one seemed all that bothered by it save for her. True, as the hours passed and after listening to Anya, it felt much less dire - but _still_.

And This was _Lexa_. And _Clarke_. In a relationship that wasn't old enough to define let alone make the declarations that Clarke had. Lexa, who had found out only hours earlier that Clarke had betrayed her by looking into her life when she felt that her online persona - precisely her _lack_ of it, would have been evidence to any sane person that she wished to keep her private life _private_. 

Despite what people might think, Lexa was much less of a badass and more of a sweet, little cinnamon roll. Simply too pure for this world. And her lack of privacy bothered her. It scared her a little and made her feel slightly unsafe.

The idea of anyone hacking into her private life was abhorrent, but the fact that that it was Clarke - the _only_ other person on the planet she felt connected to who had done it? Well, that had been unacceptable. Which in turn had led Lexa to act in a completely unacceptable manner.

* * *

When Raven showed up, there was a tense talk between the three of them in the living room. Somerhing along the lines of  _I will slice your fucking heart out and feed it to you if this gets out_ and then, it seemed like things got a little easier.

With Raven to focus on - and it was a _laser_ focus - Clarke now felt comfortable moving without Anya's permission.

It was almost 5:00, she and Raven were due on set at 7:30.

Clarke began to gather her things. She did it loudly so she wouldn't have to listen to any more of Raven and Anya's banter.

Christ. Lexa _and_ her cousin? They were like two deadly hot warrior princesses who could murder you with their eyes from across the room. They'd toy with you, expertly seducing you from afar only to make you pay for it later - something which you'd gladly beg to do.

Again and again.

Clarke may have had a pure, holy and some might say, predestined love for Lexa, but it didn't preclude her from feeling a primal hunger when she thought about her body. And it felt very dark at times, something which for Clarke, was uncharted territory.

That's why this was so hard - she felt pulled in so _many_ different directions with Lexa. There was want and need and attraction, to be sure, but also fiercely protective feelings one minute, then feeling totally incapacitated the next. It was zero to sixty in less than a second. There was really no way to describe it; nothing in her life had ever come close.

And she felt it within every ounce of her blood, her skin and her heart.

* * *

The way Anya causally cocked an eyebrow without exerting any effort whatsoever reminded Clarke of someone she couldn't get out of her head. Those two seemed like they could just casually hack into the Pentagon and then like, order Chinese take-out and watch Netflix all night afterwards. There was some real interesting shit there.

"I need to get back to my hotel and change." Clarke got up and grabbed her things that she'd already gathered while Raven flirted like a frat-boy.

She cleared her throat. _My god, these two. No sense of property whatsoever._

* * *

Raven and Anya continued to do whatever they had been for probably about ten more minutes, after which she and Clarke hopped into her car. Warming their hands with their breath, heaters blowing.

Raven had the good sense to shut the fuck up and let Clarke come to her, which she did. She told her everything - every last, excruciating little detail. She needed to process, but there was no time. She just blurted it all out indiscriminately while she waited for the police station to answer, looking the the window into the snow, brow furrowed like a motherfucker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry to interrupt the mood here, but I just looked this over and the image I had of Lexa jumping into a small body of water just struck me as hilarious.  
> Sorry.  
> And you all know the deal - no comments = no fucking story.  
> -This time I really am kidding. I'm so much stronger now.  
> -Y'all should be proud.  
> -Comments good but not required  
> -Warning: do not attempt to comment if you are drunk, pregnant or both.


	25. Goddamn Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke goes to see Lexa in jail. Their exchange is documented within.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my friends and loved ones. Please to accept my sincerest apologies for not having updated for the long time.  
> I tried last night but there was like, totally no use. You know what I mean? Omg.  
> I'd also like to confess and repent for the sin of putting our beautiful Lexa in that shitty holding cell.  
> xxx  
> I missed you all. I'm back now.

Clarke

She had absolutely no control over herself - not her brain, her body or her heart. They all felt like they were in someone else's hands now and she simply could not bring herself to care about anything other than Lexa. She didn't care about the fact that if she showed up on set today, it would be late or not at all. She didn't care that she hadn't showered for 24 hours and she certainly didn't care that the police station was closed at this hour.

She stood outside the locked double doors and banged. Bang, bang, bang went the fleshy part of her hand over and over again until finally, a baby faced guy of no more than 20 answered. He tried the polite _it's not visiting hours ma'am_ and _I can't let you in ma'am,_ before graduating to a firmer: _please remove your foot from the door, ma'am_ , but Clarke would not be deterred.

If determination had garnered her entry, Clarke's considerable charms enabled her to stay. She flirted, even went so far as to hint that maybe sometime they could get a drink together, but the guy still wavered. It was when she took off her jacket that he finally caved.

"What's your sister's name again?" He asked, staring all the while at Clarke's chest.

* * *

Right now all Clarke could feel was concern. She just couldn't manage any other emotion while she was being led by her newest fan, down a corridor that would have completely shocked anyone else. It was cold and it was dirty - utterly heartbreaking in its squalor. Clarke watched with wide eyes as she passed all manner of persons - seemingly in different stages of waiting. Some in handcuffs, some crying softly into pay telephones, some sleeping, or trying to, on cold, stone benches.

It was a very strange environment for Clarke, to be sure, but all she could worry about was how it probably felt for Lexa - being confined in this cold, painful place all on her own. And after the night they'd just had, Clarke was sure she couldn't imagine anything worse.

That was of course, until she was led into that little visiting room.

* * *

And it _was_ pretty much like you see in the movies, perhaps even a bit dirtier. Truthfully, it was disgusting and when she finally saw her through that thick pane of smudged, scratched glass she felt as if she were going to be sick.

There she sat. Lexa. With her hands cuffed again, this time in front of her and -- _yeah_.

Clarke took a moment to catch her breath - looking up at the harsh fluorescent bulbs, blinking rapidly, trying to hold in the tears.

Deep breath.

As she was being led into that room, Clarke hadn't known what to expect. Then she saw her - sitting in that chair with her feet planted wide and legs stretched out in front of her like she couldn't be bothered to care. That was until she saw Clarke, when she immediately sat up ramrod straight.

Her startled eyes flicked first to Clarke's, then once more quickly up and down her body. Like she was scanning or something. When she appeared satisfied that Clarke was in one piece, her gaze immediately returned to the floor.

* * *

There was a phone on either side of the booth but it didn't appear necessary as Clarke could hear her breathing.

She really didn't want to touch that glass, but she needed to be as close as possible. She stood at the partition, peering down at Lexa who sat in a chair on the other side. Hands cuffed, head down.

And now, after all Clarke had done to get here - to see Lexa - she suddenly had nothing to say. Luckily it was not something that had ever stopped her before. Clarke didn't know it then, but she would eventually try almost everything in getting Lexa to speak to her - but for now she went easy.

"Are you ok?" Her voice soft, careful. 

No movement, no acknowledgement.

"Hey." She did it - she put her hands on that disgusting glass. "Talk to me."

Lexa refused to look at her. Just sat there coolly detached and unaffected, as if Clarke hadn't spoken a word.

Clarke felt like the air was slowly being stolen from her body.

"Lexa, please." It _was_ a plea.

Nothing - not even a glimmer of any kind of movement.

The officer had told Clarke that there was a fifteen minute time limit - she had to step it up.

"I stayed up all night with your cousin - she's nice." Nothing about Anya had been nice, but Clarke was trying for casual.

That got a sharp, little intake of breath, but the eyes wouldn't budge - still welded to the floor.

"She told me everything."

Wide, green eyes locked on hers for less than a second before a lip was bitten, the chin was raised and now those eyes looked to the heavens.

"I know about what you did."

Lexa's hands went immediately to her side, as if all on their own - but were quickly pulled away. They now came to rest together, handcuffed in her lap

It was a tell and Clarke had seen it.

"I know about that. And I don't care."

Now she was looking.

"I don't care about anything else but you, Lexa."

Ah, those elusive green eyes - widened and then averted once more.

Clarke went on, desperate to reach her - wishing so badly that Lexa could just see inside her heart. Surely then no words would be needed? Clarke was usually so good with them, but right now, even breathing was difficult.

How could she just sit there?? Like this wasn't the most important thing in the world? Fucking Lexa - always so goddamn aloof.

Clarke swallowed her anger down and tried bargaining, addressing Lexa conspiratorially thought the panel. "Let me get you out of here and we'll go somewhere- just us. I don't care where we go as long as you're with me."

A full bottom lip trembled as the words hit but those eyes would not budge.

" _Please_ , Lexa."

The vein on Lexa's neck was practically throbbing - Clarke knew was reaching her, even if only a little bit.

"Listen to me." She rested a hip on the counter, knocking on the glass once to get her attention, but it was futile as Lexa would not look up. Clarke continued to speak- there was nothing else to do now.

"I don't care about any of this. Not my career or my friends or my family. Nothing makes sense without you."

A few light tears joined the trembling lip but their owner still refused to look at her.

Clarke picked up the useless telephone receiver and spoke, loudly. "Do you not get it?! I would _die_ for you."

Angry green eyes assaulted her now, her voice like ice. "Don't ever say that."

Finally.

"Yes Lexa, I _would_." (Why was she yelling into the phone?)

Clarke was immediately reminded of the injured animal again (Lexa's wounded raccoon from the night before), but this time there _was_ a real warning there.

She set that gorgeous jaw and spoke slowly - menacingly slow.

"Don't. You. Ever. Say. That."

 _Ouch_.

"Why, you wanted to die for _her_?" Spitting the last word out as if it were the most vile thing ever.

"No, Clarke." Lexa charged gainst the glass now as she spoke, lip curled in anger. "I didn't want to die for her, I wanted to die _because_ of her. There's a difference."

Clarke let it all out then: she was so sorry about pretending they hadn't met before, she had been so nervous. She didn't know about her being dead (Clarke hated to use Cass's name and avoided it at all costs). She had been curious about the pills and she's so sorry. Sorry for everything.

Clarke took responsibility for all of it - even for stuff that wasn't her fault. She just wanted Lexa to talk to her, but Lexa just sat back down and continued staring at the floor.

She said everything she could think of to show Lexa that she cared, save for one. She knew now, that declaring her love (however real), so soon had been a mistake. She was pretty sure she had scared the crap out of Lexa and wasn't going to make that mistake again anytime soon. She didn't want Lexa to run. A funny thought considering where they were - in a small room with glass between them. Lexa in handcuffs. Who would have imagined?

In the end it was Clarke's tears that caused Lexa's walls to break down enough so that she seemed to no longer think and re-think every word that came out of her mouth. (A very dangerous place for her and whomever had elicited it, but Clarke didn't know that). But Clarke surely had been the cause. She had forced Lexa into a place where all she could do was react and feel; Clarke had managed to hack into Lexa's firmware and short circuit the whole damn thing.

"I don't want you to be sorry, Clarke. I just want you to leave." She spoke without making eye contact, hands trembling in her lap.

"I'm not gonna just leave you."

"You _are_ gonna leave me." Lexa's jaw was set tightly, it looked like she was trying anything she could to remain stoic. "Right now."

No. Clarke wasn't going anywhere. 

"I'm so sorry," she cried, resting her forehead on that stupid glass. "I should have never invaded your privacy like that."

She sniffled into her sleeve and went on. "And if you want to - if you need to talk about her or any of that..." She trailed off, completely unaware that she'd made a grave error. "I'm here."

* * *

Lexa

Now Clarke was offering to be her what - her _therapist_? In virtually the same breath she'd used to apologize, Clarke was now exhibiting a trait that often got her into trouble. She wanted to fix everything - oftentimes when things were better left alone.

Clarke could be so arrogant.

"I don't need to talk about it, thanks." 

Since when had they graduated to speaking terms? Lexa shook her head at her own stupidity. All she had to do was sit there in silence until the guard came back. Clarke could say whatever she wished - she didn't have to respond.

But she was - responding, despite the fact that every nerve in her body was screaming _keep your mouth shut_. She didn't want to get into this or anything remotely like it - not to mention the fact that any engagement on her part would simply encourage Clarke further.

Despite wanting to - Lexa just couldn't evade this girl. It should be said that Clarke Griffin was a potent brew of beauty, ego and daring - something that for Lexa, became nearly impossible to resist as they sat across from each other. Talk about a captive audience.

"Will you come with me?" Clarke wanted to know.

Where the fuck would they even go? There was no escaping this, the problem wasn't in any location, the problem resided inside Lexa. Surely Clarke knew this?

"No."

Best to stick with one word answers - and surely they were running out of time by now? Where was that guard?

Although she had no idea what time she'd been led into the little room, Lexa looked up at the clock anyway. It was 5:25 am and she was sitting in a police station in Canada - trapped in a little room while being forced to listen to the most beautiful person in the world try to get her to do something she knew she could not.

"Please, Lexa." Clarke was begging now - all self respect gone for the time being.

And now Clarke was crying - sobbing actually. She seemed a glutton for punishment. Wouldn't have anyone else just walked away - like hours ago? Why had Clarke stayed? What was wrong with her that she couldn't see what was right in front of her face?

Danger. Lexa = danger. No two ways about it.

Lexa knew why Clarke was holding on - she understood, at least the physical aspect of it. Clarke had only ever been with boys. Sure, she'd told Lexa she'd been with other girls before but was clearly lying - only trying to force a reaction. Which she had.

Clarke had probably never physically felt anything close to what she had when she'd been with Lexa. That's what it was, which was powerful enough on it's own. Lexa was not surprised Clarke had confused it with love. But Clarke was mistaken. It wasn't love. It couldn't be.

She didn't have to be rude, though. She did still care about Clarke; more than she wanted to admit.

"Come on Clarke, go back to your life. There's nothing for you here."

"That's all you have to say?" Clarke looked at her, teary eyed - a scowl darkening her features. "That's all you have to say after everything we've been through?"

They hadn't been through anything - Lexa had simply self-destructed in front of Clarke's face and... And now Clarke probably just felt responsible. 

When she didn't get a reaction from her, Clarke grabbed the useless phone and banged it on the glass between them. Hard three times - not hard enough to break, but it did send the guard in. It had been loud.

He looked between them both then looked at his watch. "Five more minutes."

Lexa tried to get up from the chair. She looked at the guard hopefully. "I'm ready to go now."

"You, sit there." He motioned for Lexa to sit back down, and then to Clarke. " _You,_ be quiet."

He left them alone again.

"Really, Lexa?" She laughed cruelly, like she was finally getting the joke. "This is how it's gonna end? With you just siting there acting completely unaffected like you're above it all."

She pounded on the glass again, this time with her first.

"It that it, Lexa? You're too good for all this - you're too good for my lo-"

She stopped herself. The word may have not been said, but that made no difference now.

She tried to remain as calm as possible - she didn't want to fuel Clarke's rage. She wouldn't make that mistake again if she could help it.

"This isn't love." Lexa gestured between them as best she could given her wrists were cuffed, before she added. "Clarke." Her throat was suddenly so dry.

"Then what is it?"

Lexa suddenly felt hot - as if those challenging blue eyes caused her fever to spike.

"Nothing good." Lexa shook her head from side to side, although she probably wasn't conscious of the movement.

The force of those blue eyes was simply too much to bear. Lexa began her deep breathing while Clarke spoke again.

"I don't believe you."

_Breathe in - 98, 97, 96..._

"I don't care if you don't believe me. It's true."

_94, 93, 92..._

"No, it's not. And you know it."

"There's nothing between us, Clarke. Get it through your head!" Now Lexa was shouting.

"Then why are you _crying_?" As usual, Clarke thought she had it all figured out. 

"I'm not crying," Lexa managed through tears that were falling so freely now, there was no way to stop them. She just put her hands up in an attempt to cover her face.

"You're a shitty actress." It was Clarke, always trying to pull her back from the darkness - and sometimes it felt so fucking good.

Lexa let herself laugh - then Clarke did too.

"Please don't do this, Lexa."

And damn if Clarke's stare didn't pierce her very soul.

 _Breathe in - ok, where were we?_   _95? 65?_

She couldn't even count now, it was getting that bad and it was possible she was going to pass out. (It had happened before in times of extreme stress). She suddenly wished she _could_ pass out which surely meant she wouldn't: Lexa was used to never getting what she wanted. She didn't allow herself to want things - why should now be any different?

Of course she wouldn't pass out - she'd just have to sit here and try not to die of anxiety until the guard came back. And if Clarke's recent behavoir was anything to go by, it would be soon. 

All Lexa could feel right now was deep sorrow. She tried her best to channel the rage, but she could only manage a tinny and shrill voice as she shouted at the blonde.

"Clarke! I don't know what else to say. We're done, it's over. Walk away!"

She said it once more for good measure, her voice was much more commanding. "Walk away!"

She collapsed as if from the effort - into the chair now, head resting in her hands - she spoke again.

"I don't know what you want from me."

Clarke sucked in a great breath - trying to compose herself before she spoke.

"I want you to try, Lexa. Can you please just _try_?"

Full sobs now from both of them. Lexa stayed in the chair, head in her cuffed hands while Clarke plastered herself up against the window.

"I can't. Clarke." She brought both hands up to her chest now - hitting where her heart would be. "I don't have anything left." Now she was hitting herself in the chest as if to further illustrate the point. 

Suddenly the sound of keys jangling and then the door on Lexa's side was opened. 

Clarke spoke quickly, "Tell me you don't love me and I'll walk away." 

"Clarke." She was pulled to her feet. 

"Tell me, Lexa." She was pleading.

As she was being led away, she just shook her head at the blonde - imploring her to run. Fast and far and _now_. 

"Say it!" She bellowed, voice reverberating off the concrete walls.

And she would. As much as she -- as much as she - Lexa couldn't finish the thought, but she remembered the promise she'd made to herself. The one about not allowing Cass to ruin Clarke. It felt strange but Lexa found herself in a unique position: she had to protect her new love from her old one.

She had to. 

She caught one last full glimpse of the blonde before she was led away. Then, making sure Clarke could see and hear her, she spoke. 

"I don't love you, Clarke." 

The blonde turned feral, pounding on the glass with both fists now - there may have been some spit. "You fucking coward!" 

She was really going to break that glass if she hit it any harder. " **Goddamn**   **you** , **Lexa**!" She screamed, fists pounding so hard, Lexa worried breifly she might hurt herself.

Clarke quickly slid off the ring she always wore on her index finger (Lexa had admired it with her mouth during one of their marathon love making sessions. It had belonged to Clarke's grandmother and was something Clarke would give her own daughter one day).

Lexa's heart seized with panic as she watched Clarke slide off that gold band and slap it on her side of the counter before she turned and opened the door. So hard it slammed against the wall behind it.

"See ya!" She yelled over her shoulder as she walked away.

Alarms were going off in Lexa's head - so many in fact, that most of them didn't even register.

All Lexa knew for certain in that moment were two things. 1. She had just forced someone she loved deeply to walk out of her life and 2. she had to get that ring.  


	26. 99.99%

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Anya fly back to LA - Clarke muses and shit  
> Not too much happens here, but it will take us where we gon go. M'kay?  
> Sometimes it's fun to write phonetically.  
> I don't do it as much as I used to bc I began to worry that ppl thought was either illiterate, racist or a delightful combo of both.  
> In the end I'm afraid I was only amusing myself.  
> Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chap is just like a vessel that's gonna lovingly carry these binches from one part of the story to the next. You could think of it as an airplane or a corpus callosum (if thems was brains.)  
> Ok yeah, I took the cannabis candy tonight. My cheeks hurt from smiling. I always smile when I write these bc it's like I'm talking to my friends or some shit. ;)  
> Anyway - I totally forgot where that was going.

Lexa

Not only had Clarke left - she stormed out, flinging the door open with such force, the walls shook.

And she'd left her ring behind. Her grandmother's gold wedding band: Lexa knew the significance, they'd talked about it. It meant something to Clarke and now - goddamn it, now it was Lexa's responsibility. At least for the time being.

She was sure she'd have to finagle the guard. Surely some type of finesse would be necessary to get him to not only go outside the locked door and get the ring - but to _bring_ it to her as well. Clarke had said they were sisters - Lexa had gathered that much by the way the guard reacted. But given Clarke's tantrum it was clear that they certainly were not sisters; she wouldn't be able to use that argument.

At this point, Lexa was ready to offer anything. A donation to that stupid department, a personal bribe or even sex, (which only served to illustrate how desperate she felt. She did not do guys. Ever.) to get that goddamn ring. But in the end none of that was needed - the guard simply went to the other side of the window, picked up the band, then after leading her back to the holding cell, he pressed it into her palm and said.

"That wasn't your sister."

Lexa didn't reply but she did slide the thin, cool band onto her middle finger - it fit perfectly.

* * *

Hours later Anya finally showed up. They let Lexa go as there was no way to hold her - she had committed no crime that they could prove, but the officer that released her into Anya's custody had been a rude bitch. She looked Lexa up and down like she was a piece of trash, muttering under her breath something about celebrities and their privilege.

If the definition of privilege was what had happened between Lexa and Clarke in that room this morning - then that bitch could have it.

Lexa was not someone who normally went around calling people nasty names, but she was tired and more that a little heartsick. She and Clarke had finally broken up. After all that buildup, and after their days and nights together: it was over.

They didn't speak as they left the precinct - it was their usual routine. Lexa hung her head and tried to be as small as possible while Anya drove. She knew what was coming, but it probably wouldn't happen until they were aboard the plane. Anya seemed to know that Lexa would run if given the opportunity, so she wisely saved her freak outs and lectures for the times when she couldn't.

Anya was right - Lexa would try to run. But this time, despite all that had occurred in the last 24 hours, this time felt different for Lexa: even if she wanted to run, there was literally nowhere for her to go. So she sucked it up and rode in the car in silence. She could not remember a time in her life when she'd hurt worse, which to an outside observer, was interesting. Lexa was too wrapped up in Clarke Griffin to realize that her near four-year-long obsession with Cass was now completely gone. It was all about Clarke now.

The one person she forbid herself to think about.

* * *

Their flight was booked for later that afternoon, which left them plenty of time to go back to the hotel. Anya pulled her car into the parking lot and while Lexa mostly kept her head in her hands, she did happen to notice that Clarke's SUV was gone from the spot it had been in for days. She must have picked it up after their visit that morning.

No. She wasn't going to think about Clarke. Or her car. Or her lips. Or her _I love you's_. Or the ring she wore on her finger. She would deal with all of that later -or hopefully never. Now all she wanted was a shower and a cigarette and if she was being honest - she could really use one or seven of those pain pills.

She _was_ in pain, after all.

Clarke didn't have to tell Lexa about her cousin's behavior the night before. Knowing Anya, she would have already tossed everything in Lexa's possession - no doubt finding the bottle of pills she'd stashed in her luggage.

But - as thorough as Anya had been, there would have been no way for her to know everything that had happened in that room. Anya couldn't have known that Lexa stashed some of the tablets in that basket with the newspapers and magazines. After they had fallen out of her pocket and Clarke had tried to bait her by eating one, Lexa had scooped them up and hidden them. The only other person on earth who had any knowledge of that had been Clarke and Lexa was certain she wouldn't have told Anya. She didn't know how she knew, but she did.

And she was right, as she would soon realize.

After they entered the room and Lexa was sure Anya wasn't watching, she dipped her hand into the basket - pulling out a folded piece of paper instead of what she'd been after

It was maddening, Clarke was maddening – the way she always seemed to be two steps ahead.

It was a note, Clarke's handwriting - of course it was:

_If want these bad enough, you know where I am._

Fabulous.

* * *

After a shower and no cigarettes, (they were disgusting not to mention, neither had any), Lexa was finally able to take a deep breath. But she still felt awful. Terrible, miserable in fact, and the worst part of it was, she couldn't talk about it. No way she was gonna open up to Anya - this rift between them now pretty much shut down any chance of any type of real dialogue between them. At least for the time being.

Anya was worried sick - which for her, presented as a quiet, simmering rage. Lexa was more completely and utterly devastated, which for her - only pushed her further inward. She was quiet and gave her cousin a wide berth; something that wasn't easy given their accommodations - just them in that little suite.

The one she'd shared with Clarke.

* * *

Clarke

Had been either very brave or very stupid but, when she walked out of the police station that morning - all she felt was fury. She had been livid - ready to rip Lexa's throat out with her teeth. How dare she lie like that?

Clarke may have been born at night but it wasn't _last_ night. Lexa was a liar. No, she was more than a liar - she was a fucking coward. A fucking coward.

Clarke had been so upset when she walked out of the station,  she kicked over a garbage can while screaming at the top of her lungs before joining Raven in the car. It was so loud in the still morning, she wondered for a moment if Lexa had been able to hear her. The possibility made her want to roll down the window and scream some profanity as they drove past, but she didn't. She only slumped down in the seat and got her phone out. She needed to call the towing company to get her car. She didn't talk to Raven - she didn't want to.

Clarke was tired of talking - suddenly, she felt tired of everything.

* * *

So Lexa was just going to go back to her own life - as if nothing had happened? What the fuck was wrong with her? Lexa loved her - she _had_ to. How on earth had they spent all that time together - all that kissing, touching and talking in and on that bed not to mention those soft, whispered words in the middle of the night and then dare to pretend it wasn't what it was? When it clearly was?

A memory came to mind that made Clarke especially angry. Lexa - during that first night after they'd just made love for the first time - she snuggled Clarke into her arms and as they were falling asleep, she purred softly into Clarke's ear, _I want to be inside you forever._ Clarke had gone to sleep, wrapped in Lexa's embrace feeling warm, safe and loved.

How could all that have been a lie?

The physical component of being with Lexa was really, really hard to get out of her mind as well. Clarke now felt like she was finally in on the big secret: this is what love was supposed to feel like. No wonder she'd had so many problems with boys. _Boys_ were the problem, and as much as Clarke admired them physically, every bit of her heart told her she liked girls. It made so much sense now.

Lexa had been so romantic and attentive as a lover; her tenderness had surprised, then delighted Clarke. She had been so careful with her - protecting Clarke's head with her palm so it didn't knock against the headboard, asking if she could bite and feeling so badly when her teeth left marks on Clarke's neck. It was sweet the way Lexa cared for her, but a large part of Clarke wanted to feel those bumps and bruises. She wanted actual, physical reminders of what they'd done so that she could keep them close to her - like a secret.

It wasn't easy to think about that now. Now that Lexa was out of her life and now that Clarke knew what she knew about Lexa's previous relationship. Clarke hated that woman with every fiber of he being. When she'd first seen her, in the club and later online, Clarke had thought she was insanely beautiful. Like almost too attractive, where you might wonder if she was even real. But now that she knew how Cassandra Fordham had duped Lexa into living this sordid life with her (no doubt Cass called it love) while she maintained a completely separate existence somewhere else with a family - well that just made Clarke's blood boil. That woman was - Clarke didn't have words. But how dare she? How fucking dare she - take someone pure like Lexa and turn her into -- _what_ Clarke wasn't exactly sure. 

No doubt Lexa had been faithful and loyal to that awful woman. Knowing Lexa as she did, Clarke didn't know how she could have been anything else. 

And afterwards Lexa had been left with nothing. No goodbye, no funeral. But what was worse, she had been left with no validation of their relationship whatsoever. It was as if they'd never existed, never meant anything to each other at all. That must have been brutal. And then Anya had told her about Lexa trying to kill herself - Clarke couldn't think about it without feeling nauseous.

Lexa - such protective feelings she inspired in the blonde. Lexa Woods had become Clarke's muse - she had never felt so alive and inspired the way she did with Lexa. So much need and love and want. Also a new kind of courage spiked her blood - she felt the urge to be bold and take risks.

Clarke had changed so much in so little time. 

But surely she had been foolish this morning? Her ring - really? But it wasn't as risky as some might think: Clarke knew Lexa like the palm of her hand - and believe me, she would never have left it there without being nearly certain of the outcome.

Even though she had lied through her teeth, Clarke still trusted Lexa. It was precisely that trust that allowed Clarke to do things like recklessly leave a family heirloom behind. She had no doubt that Lexa would get her hands on it. Lexa was the type of person who wouldn't let anything or anyone get in the way of something she wanted. Clarke knew her ring would be something Lexa would want - she just didn't know when or if _she_ would be. 

But she tried not to think about it while she and Raven drove without talking, as the heaters were on full blast. She didn't want to talk anyway. She tried to get her mind to go elsewhere: Jasper, her mom, Jane, cigarettes, laundry -- but she soon was pulled back into: when will Anya pick Lexa up, when are they leaving?

Yes, she was thinking about it again.

Part of Clarke was still so mad at herself for her behavior. She had invaded Lexa's privacy and she had lied - a lot: but she took total responsibility for that. Hadn't she? And she wasn't just sorry, she was ashamed. She'd never really given privacy much thought since there was so much information out there, it kinda seemed like a moot point. But she now knew firsthand now, no matter how benign it might seem, it was possible for people to get hurt.

People like Lexa. The thought nearly shattered what was let of her heart.

Poor Clarke vacillated between highs and lows and pretty much everything in between, while riding in the car with Raven.

As of on a dime, Clarke's emotions turned again. She suddenly became unbelievably angry. Lexa wouldn't give them a chance - refused to even try. She was so mad, but it was no use. She couldn't be mad at Lexa.

She had seen all the hurt - Lexa was practically drowning in it. Her soul was so mired down with sorrow it made Clarke ache. How could she stay angry at someone like that?  Certainly that would have been blasphemy?

* * *

She and Raven made it to their hotel just in time for showers and coffee before they had to leave to be on set. While it was nice to shower finally, Clarke couldn't even look at her room. Not to mention that adjoining door. Being in that room made her head spin. It was as if the last four days hadn't happened. Like it had just been a dream and now she'd woken up in her own room except Lexa wasn't next door.

She wouldn't think about that. She wouldn't think about Lexa. She wouldn't think about texting Lexa or wonder about when she might get a replacement phone for the one they had doused with water.

She smiled now. That had been such a good day: wrestling on the floor, their picnic on the bed, Lexa letting her rub medicine into her chest. And all the things they did after. It had been the best day of her life up until that point. She'd only spent three days as Lexa's lover (the word sent a sharp pang through her chest) and each new day had outdone the previous.

Clarke would have given up everything to be there in that hotel room with Lexa again - or to simply be _anywhere_ with her, as long as they could be close to one another. But now - given the drugs and their fight and Lexa's attitude this morning, she wasnt sure what was ever going to happen.

Clarke had to get her head together, today and tomorrow would be her last days on set and she was more than ready to leave. She vomited twice into the trashcan (sorry housekeeping) before heading down to catch a ride with Raven.

* * *

Lexa

And so at the airport it wasn't Clarke who stopped them after all, it was Raven. Rushing into Anya's arms like it was no big deal and looking at Lexa like -- like life was no different.

One thing Lexa hated, and there really wasn't much she did hate, was phoniness.

Sure, we all had to be in certain contexts - work, family, public image - all that stuff. She understood that, but given that Raven was one of the very few people she'd allowed close to her -- for Raven to be fake now was insulting. Lexa didn't give a shit about 99.99% of the population but she _had_ considered Raven a friend. And now she was over there with her cousin- kissing her in public. 

Anya, who had grown so paranoid about _Lexa's_ image that she never let her get near anyone. _That_ Anya was making out with Raven Reyes at the gate. 

Lexa smiled to herself in anticipation of telling Anya that she had been second choice. She could've had Raven that first night and every night since if she'd wanted. She laughed for the first time that day and it felt good. The bad kind of good. 

Anger finally surfaced and it felt great. She directed it all at her cousin who stood hugging Raven for like, _ever_ \- before finally turning around and so they could go through security.

Oh and wait - Raven's not done, she's handing Anya a letter. How adorable. Lexa suddenly felt so mad at Anya, she could feel the adrenaline from it course through her veins.

They boarded the plane in silence except for Lexa who knocked into people's elbows barely grunting apologies, moaning and groaning until she found her seat where she complained about not having enough leg room.

* * *

She had been correct: after they'd been airborne for about half an hour and things were settling, Anya turned and let her have it.

What made Anya's monologue especially great was the fact that Lexa was in the window seat. Anya sat on the aisle, an empty spot between them, which meant Lexa was cornered. Which _was_ kind of the only way Anya could get her attention these days, but she was still mad. Lexa was angry at everything - Anya, the flight attendant running out of ice, whoever kept kicking her seat. Fuck them all.

Anger was much better than the alternative and Lexa would hold onto it for as long as she could. There might come a time when she wouldn't be able to summon that rage - it had happened before, but for right now, it was the only thing keeping her warm.

She was fine with it - better than fine.

Anya's terms were thus: weekly counseling (with someone discreet - she would use an alias), no new work, no pills, no cutting, no lies and no _girls_.

Lexa took offense to that last one - how dare Anya try to control that aspect of her life? Had she ever given Anya a reason to worry about her promiscuity before? None at all.

But Lexa had changed and Anya seemed to have noticed.

She agreed to it all - in part just to get Anya to stop talking. After their conversation i.e. Anya taking _at_ her, was over and her cousin leaned back in her seat - Lexa noticed for the first time, the dark circles under her cousin's eyes.

All the anger seemed to vanish as she looked down at her cousin's tired face.

Anya was one in a fucking million; she was so lucky to have her. She didn't feel like she deserved someone like that - which wasn't exactly new, because Lexa never felt like she deserved anything good. She may have doubted Clarke, but she couldn't afford to doubt Anya. And she didn't. She didn't doubt Anya's love or concern but she would always doubt other people's capacity to understand her which is why she usually kept her thoughts to herself.

Which is what would do now.

* * *

"You're staring." Anya laid back in her seat with a sleep mask on now - how on earth did she always know?

Lexa quickly turned her head and looked out the window into the inky darkness. "I wasn't."

"You were." The corner of Anya's lip turned up slightly. "What's up?"

"You gonna read the letter?"

Anya shrugged and shook her head - signaling no. She unfolded the blanket and turned her head towards the aisle, trying to get comfortable enough to sleep. Then she spoke.

"I'm not supposed to read it."

Was it something like _don't open 'til Christmas_?? Lame. These two were lame.

"Why not?" She rolled her eyes, done with this already.

"Because it's for you."

 


	27. The Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kids, sorry for the lateness. I've been having issues.  
> I'll be back. I promise - just wanted to post this.  
> xxx  
> ps this chapter is dedicated to all those private bookmarkers. Lol - there's a huge discrepancy and I just realized it.  
> :D  
> Ahhhaaaaaaaaaa! This totally turned my day around.

Lexa [cont]

Lexa opened the envelope. It was a script - Clarke had written on the back. Actual handwriting with more than a few spelling mistakes. 

She turned away from Anya, towards the window and looked at the paper again. She could crumple it up. She could give it back to her cousin.

Or she could read it. She took a shaky breath and put on her glasses.

_LW,_

_I'm sorry, I don't have time to proof this and I'm due on set in like 20 minutes - so forgive me for the stream of consciousness nature of this letter. You didn't really leave me any choice, did you?_

_I don't even know why I'm writing this. You have made your feelings perfectly clear, you keep walking away, so I'm assuming you don't want to have anything to do with me.  
Is that correct?_

_Fine. I'll accept that if you accept this:_

_I know you're lying. I can't believe you're doing this. After everything - me, you and our shared past - after everything I have gone through to find you - you're just going to walk away? No discussion, no consideration - just you thinking you know what's best for everyone else._

_You have it all figured out, don't you?? ~~For someone so smart, I'm surprised at you.~~_

_Do you want to know how I feel about this? No - you never even bothered to ask. So forgive me for not waiting until you asked, but here's how I feel: I know your reality, here's mine._

_You're not the only one who has trouble coping with things in the past - but not everyone has to take drugs because of it. I could have easily done the same thing when at 13 years old I had to bury my only brother because he overdosed on pills. Yes, he took pills, Lexa just like you. And he died. I loved him best out of anyone else in this world and he died. It is something I have struggled with for years - feeling like I should have done more to save him, when all I did was sit back and watch as someone I loved died right in front of my eyes. I could have easily done it - I could have taken his pills (and God knows there were hundreds of them) to simply feel better - to avoid all that pain._

_But I didn't. And I don't say this to make you feel guilty (seems like you're immune to guilt when it comes to me anyway) but I do need you to know what this has been like for me, what watching you self destruct had done to me. I hope this letter doesn't make you too uncomfortable, Lexa, I know how much you hate that. If so, I guess you have a lot of choices, you could just rip this up, or run away from it like you have been everything and everyone else. Just like you ran from me after you kissed me on set and then later when you found out what a horrible person I really am._

_Yes, Lexa, you're right. I'm guilty and I'm a liar. Feel better?_

_I'm a terrible person - I had a dream about you three years ago that made me question my sexuality and basically my whole life. I tried to ignore it, then I saw you in the club that night - you were with her and something inside my chest just started to bloom. It's like the dream was a seed and then seeing you like that was the sun and the rain which made it grow. I know this probably sounds stupid, but I have no other way to explain this._

_That night I saw you was the first time I ever kissed a girl. Seeing you in that club made me feel terrified, I worried that my life was about to change in ways I didn't understand or necessarily want. So I did something really stupid. I lured a girl I wasn't atttacted to into that bathroom and threw myself at her. I threw myself at someone I didn't want because of you. Because I saw you, with her, and I wanted that, I wanted you, but I was so afraid. I still am._

_I was actually kind of mad at you then - I know it wasn't fair but feelings aren't logical, you know that. I kind of blamed you for inspiring these feelings in me that I didn't want to deal with. I felt so lost and more alone than ever and then you came into the bathroom and it was suddenly, like I felt understood and soothed for the first time in a long, long time. When you spoke to me that night, not even knowing who I was, and offering to stay with me - you have no idea what that did to me. All of a sudden you were real to me - not just a fantasy in a dream. You were real and it turned out, an extremely gentle person. And all I wanted to do for the rest of my life was sit there and talk to you in that bathroom. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I lied and acted like i didn't know you. I was afraid, and I'm sorry._

_And now we come to the part that I'm sure will have you crumpling up these pages._

_When I heard you were joining us this season I looked for anything I could find about you. From photos to videos to random Twitter comments - I searched through it all. Not once, but many times. I was nervous but also really excited to see you. I wanted to know things about you, who you were, what you liked - I wanted to have something, some kind of secret knowledge or an upper hand because the thought of being near you made me feel terrified. I felt like I needed to prime myself - like I couldn't just go into this cold and let our relationship unfold naturally._

_I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a bit of a control freak. And I'm sorry Lexa, I'm so sorry. You, or the idea of you scared the living crap out of me. During my last year in Australia, I stopped going on auditions altogether because I was too afraid of running into you. Every time I saw you after that night in the bathroom, I just felt like I was going to lose control._

_Even after I left for America, I couldn't get you out of my head. And to answer the question you asked so crassly, it wasn't a fuck dream. You want to know what the dream was about? I can tell you in excruciating detail - since I've only played it in my head thousands and thousands of times. Sitting down?? I dreamt of me and you on a beach at sunset - I look at you but before I can speak (I want to tell you how happy I am) you kiss me._

_That's it._

_Happy you got to fuck me over that one, Lexa? Does that make you feel all warm inside? Turning my own feelings against me like that? Shame on you._

_I'm sorry - I do know how much you care about me, I can see it on your face, but this went way too far. You did something I would never have expected from you which is why I hit you. I should never have done that and I'm taking full responsibility. I'm sorry for that - just as I'm sorry for looking at the name on that pill bottle._

_I remembered her name - I'm sorry. And that day we were on set and you flubbed your line?? Yeah, Lexa - I caught that. Why do you think I caused such a diversion? You think I ate a bug? Oh no, I ate my pride \- for you, so you didn't have to acknowledge or explain that you had said the wrong name. I never would have mentioned it if it wasn't for - where we are now._

_And then that night with that waitress who flirted with you. I know, I had absolutely no right to do what I did. I drank too much and became so jealous of her I couldn't see straight. I acted terribly - I was horrible. I baited you - and basically did everything in my power after that to push you away._

_Then afterwards when you helped me to my room, despite the fact that I kept trying to make a pass at you, you were so caring, so concerned about me. That's when I think I really started to love you. When you picked the lock on my bathroom door and took care of me when I was in the worst shape of my life. While I was throwing up and looking awful, you didn't run away. Not only did you not run, you stayed with me when I know you didn't want to. And I think you did that because you have feelings for me. I don't know how you can pretend you don't now. But I'm not there yet, so you can wait. Or you can just throw this letter in the trash if you haven't already._

_That's what I thought._

_And then I fucked things up even more. I lied. I lied to you and pretended I didn't remember anything of that night. Yes, I lied - I seem to do that a lot around you but it's important that you know why._

_This probably isn't going to help my case, but from the moment you arrived I have been trying to control every aspect of our interaction. The thought of you and what you represented was far too scary to simply leave it to chance. So I panicked, I guess. I was rude and arrogant and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ambushed you that first day and I'm just so sorry for everything. I objectified you and I'm so sorry. I know you're a person and you have feelings but I didn't know how real and special you were until we worked together and I got close to you._

_I know you don't like to let people in, I know that. Believe me, I know. But you did - you stayed with me that night I followed you to the airport and you finally let me in. And it was amazing. We were amazing. I've never given myself to anyone the way I have you. Do you get that? I never spend the night with guys. I hate it. I hated sleeping with them - I think I hated a lot of things about being with guys but I didn't know what was missing until... Until you. And it's not just that boys pale in comparison to you - it's not that at all._

_It's because it is you. Do you not see that?_

_There's so much I want to say about that but I have no time, Raven is leaving to see your cousin in like 5 minutes. It sucks that I have to tell you all this in a rushed letter but I have no choice now. You left me no choice._

_You have no idea what you've done to me, do you? You laid next to me, on top of me, underneath me -- and all those words whispered between us -- you made me fall in love with you and now you're running away like a coward._

_You made me feel so much and now you're running away - I can't believe you! This really plays into my control/abandonment issues and I feel like I always have to stay one step ahead of you. Like I have to manage you or else you'll turn and run. Why??? Why am I losing you and why can't I do anything about it?? Can you answer that one? You seem to be the one who has it all figured out._

_So you don't care. And you don't love me. Is that it? Yeah, just sit back and pretend you don't care. It's scary how easy it was for you to sit there and lie to me while I came to see you in JAIL this morning. (I didn't see anyone else there)._

_If you didn't care Lexa, why were you willing to stay another night to talk about us? I said us, just like I did that night when we talked about it. You didn't seem to have a problem with it then._

_But then you figured out what a terrible person I really am, is that it? Am I so terrible that you can't even give me the consideration of talking to me about your feelings? How could you sit there and lie through your goddamn teeth and tell me you don't care?? You always play so noble, but there's nothing noble about lying to someone you care about._

_I'm sorry. I don't mean to insult you further but I just don't know what else to do._

_I miss you. My life is never going to be the same. You killed us before we could even see where this was going._

_But you don't care about that do you? If you did, I wouldn't be writing this now. You actions have shown me that you don't care - or if you do, it's not enough to fight._

_Don't worry I won't say anything to the press and I won't contact you again. You can give my ring to Raven - I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot of her. Some people aren't afraid._

_I wish you were brave enough to be with me._

_Goodbye, Lexa._

_Clarke  
_  

* * *

 Wiping tears from her eyes, she nudged her cousin. "Give me your phone."

"Why?"

Lexa helped herself to the iPhone Anya had tucked into the seat pocket in front of her - scrolling down until she found Raven's number. 

"You can't call her now, we're in mid-air."

"Like hell I can't." She grabbed the satellite phone from the back of the seat in front of her, slid her credit card then put in Raven's number.

It rang and rang  and rang, until finally.

"Hello?"

"Raven, it's Lexa." She said. "Can you please find Clarke for me?"


	28. Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While it's very short, I think this chapter is important enough to stand on its own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short chapter.  
> I'm working on a long one.  
> xxx

Clarke

When Raven came in, holding the phone out, with thatlook on her face, Clarke was pretty sure she knew who was gonna be on the other end of the line. She was at once the happiest and the most frightened she'd ever been. And although she was sitting still, she had a hard time catching her breath.

Raven spoke into the phone. "We're in the middle of a shoot, you have like 45 seconds."

She then held the phone out to Clarke, eyebrows raised dramatically. She took it and put it up to her ear, sighing loudly but not saying anything.

"Clarke?" She had never heard that tone from Lexa before - she sounded desperate.

"Hi." Speaking wasn't too easy right now.

The worried voice was momentarily soothed by relief. "Clarke."

"Hi." Apparently that was all Clarke was capable of at the moment.

"I read your letter."

Raven was gesturing wildly towards the door of Clarke's trailer.

"I have to go."

"I know, I'm sorry." Lexa was stumbling all over her words. "I should let you go," she laughed self consciously.

Raven was grabbing for the phone now in earnest- Clarke stood up, turning her body against the wall, thwarting her efforts while she waited to see if Lexa would say more.

"Clarke?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm on a plane right now, but can I call you — can I call you tonight?"

Clarke turned around and gave Raven a full death stare now: no longer caring if she made everyone late. This was far too important.

"Are you going to be honest with me?"

She was very quick in her answer. "Yes."

"Are you going to stop running from this?"

"Yes." The submission in Lexa's voice was doing weird things to her.

"Are you going to behave yourself now?" She was literally purring into the phone - no way she could hazard a glance at Raven right now, her face was probably crimson.

"Yes."

Clarke was so surprised by her own reaction, she briefly forgot that it was she who had engineered it.

"Can I call you tonight?""

"Yes." Now Clarke was the monosyllabic one.

"I better let you go—"

"—ok."

They both laughed. Raven looked at Clarke like she was a fucking lunatic.

"Hey, Clarke?"

"Yeah?"

Lexa's voice suddenly became difficult to hear - she was whispering. "I need to tell you something but I'm gonna hang up right afterward, ok?"

She knew that Lexa was going to give her something - something she was not necessarily owed but definitely deserved. And while she saw it coming from a mile off, she wasn't prepared for how it felt when it did.

"Ok."

She heard her take a deep breath and hold it. And with her exhale, came the words, "I love you." And then she swallowed before adding the best part, "Clarke."

And then she really did hang up.

Clarke trapped Raven in an awkward bear hug and rocked her from side to side before her happiness was rudely and cruelly shattered by someone shouting into a bullhorn outside.

"Raven Reyes and Clarke Griffin! Let's get a move on!"

"We're late, princess!" Raven grabbed the phone out of the blonde's hand and tried steering her toward the exit.

"She loves me."

That got her an eye roll. "You two have the most bipolar relationship." And then a genuine smile. "She'd be stupid not to."

They finished out the day - both of them in excellent spirits with the same thing on their minds: a woman with the surname Woods.


	29. Yes, Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Multiple pov here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno. This chap feels a little tedious. Maybe just bc its longer than usual. Prob my fear of commitment rearing its head.  
> Rawr!

Anya

She looked over at her cousin who had managed to curl herself into a tight, little ball around the window. Anya smiled, briefly recalling her chemistry days at university. Sometimes Lexa could be just like a gas - taking on the shape of whatever container held her. Or a cat, she mused - briefly thinking of the orange tabby she'd allowed entrance into their home after Lexa had left for Canada. That fucking cat - Anya had found him, curled up in the bathroom sink just the other day - in much the same way Lexa was curled around that window.

Don't get me wrong, Anya loved that stupid cat - after Lexa left, he was pretty much her constant companion. But where Anya found his antics cute and endearing - Lexa's were puzzling if not, somewhat alarming.

She was only privy to Lexa's side of the conversation.

"Yes."

She noted the rapid rise and fall of Lexa's chest.

"Yes."

She was beginning to shred her bottom lip with that one sharp tooth. Something was happening.

Hmm. Three yes's in rapid succession followed by some physiological signs that were somewhat concerning.

Something was definitely going on.

"Hey, Clarke?"

Lexa's voice became even lower - she didn't want Anya to hear her. Anya was definitely going to hear this; she leaned over, all subtlety gone.

"I need to tell you something but I'm gonna hang up right afterward, ok?"

She shook her head rapidly and hit Lexa on the thigh twice, trying to get her attention which was ridiculous as she was practically leaning on top of her now.

Lexa wouldn't move or look at her - but Anya could tell by the movement in her jaw, this was going to be huge.

Anya didn't want to keep Clarke and Lexa apart, but she had more information than pretty much anyone else in the story up to this point. Lexa wasn't ready, but Anya knew what she was going to do. And while it was probably the right thing for the relationship, she worried about the aftermath.

The words came tumbling out - actually, they were stuttered, something that made Anya's heart break even more for Lexa in that moment. There was nothing she could do now - it was out there.

"I love you. Clarke."

Then she replaced the phone - or tried to - back into its little slot on the back of the seat. Anya had to help her finally - those things could be tricky, but Lexa was having more than manual dexterity problems.

When Lexa got quiet, Anya got worried. And she was quiet now, looking out the window into the black.

" _What_ are you doing?"

She shook her head to clear it, then laid it against the headrest, swallowing thickly. "I love her, Anya."

"I can see that." And she could - part of Lexa seemed looser, less constricted. And it was nice finally hearing the truth for once, even if it did make her somewhat nervous.

Lexa definitely had a type - a taste for dominant women. A preference that may have arisen out of a need to please her mother (another strong, powerful, unavailable woman in Lexa's life). Anya had seen it before, with Cass - Lexa loved being pushed around and apparently the blonde had done a pretty good job of it on the phone.

While Anya had despised Cassandra Fordham with a passion from the get go, she wasn't yet sure about Clarke. Which for Anya, was significant: within seconds of meeting someone, she always knew whether she liked someone or not. But for right now, with Clarke Griffin, she had to suspend judgement.

All those _yes's_ did seem a little suspect -- Anya had decided while she watched as her cousin became flushed and heard the catch in her breath. She had overheard so many other conversations in which Lexa's voice sounded eerily similar.

Shit. Here we go again. Please, let's not do this again.

Did Lexa only do relationships one way? Was this thing with Clarke going to turn into one of her games? While Anya didn't actively dislike the blonde, the parallels between she and Lexa's former flame were difficult to ignore. Clarke may have lacked an unscrupulous nature, but there were definite similarities that invited comparison. She was bold and blonde and seemed to have Lexa in the palm of her hand.

God help her if she hurt Lexa.

She asked again, looking at Lexa pointedly now. "What are you _doing_?"

"I already told you." She wouldn't open her eyes, but she was grinning now - clearly pleased by the recent turn of events. "I love her."

Super - now Lexa was going to cop an attitude.

She finally asked about that night - it was the first thing that came to mind.

"What you said to the police? Is that true?" She paused, hoping she wouldn't have to finish. "Did you?"

Lexa still had her head back, resting it against the seat with her eyes closed. "Yeah," she said quietly. "I did."

"You _raped_ her?"

Lexa's eyes flew open - Anya had been crass for a reason. And it worked - those alarmed. green eyes finally met hers.

"No." Her face grew angry now. "Not at all, I just— we just—"

"What? You what?" Something had clearly happened between Lexa and Clarke in that hotel room. While Anya was content to ignore it before, she couldn't any longer.

"We were arguing and I —I had to make a point."

Anya hoped those words sounded as lame to Lexa's ears as they did to hers. She advanced on her cousin now, brown eyes brimming with anger and worry.

"A point? What was the point you wanted to make?"

"You don't understand, you weren't there." Lexa's voice took on a sharp, exasperated edge: she was trying to dismiss her now. It was funny because it was clearly a trait she'd leaned from Anya - just that she wasn't as good at evading as Anya was.

"So what, that's how you win an argument now? You force yourself on someone?"

"Oh my god, Anya, stop."

"What is wrong with you? Not everything has to be a game!"

"You don't understand. It wasn't like that. I'm not proud of it. Jesus!" She looked around nervously, before adding. "Keep your voice down."

"Then what was it like? What did you do?"

Lexa put in her headphones, pretending to peruse the in-flight movies now. Anya ripped an earbud from her ear, earning a dirty look from Lexa.

"What did you do to her?"

* * *

Lexa

Jfc. Why was Anya trying to take this little piece of happiness away? It had been so long since she'd wanted to say those words to Clarke and now that she had - her whole body felt alive.

"Nothing, Anya. Nothing happened." She just had to stonewall now, Anya would give up eventually.

"Then why did you say that to the police?"

As far as Lexa was concerned, Anya _was_ the police.

"I don't want to discuss it."

"You don't even know her, Lexa."

Oh perfect - she'd been waiting for that one.

"So what's up with you and Raven now? After 24 hours you're suddenly in a relationship?"

Anya's eyes snapped up - a direct hit. Lexa smiled inwardly, she could still get to Anya and she would use everything in her power right now to divert her attention. She didn't want to think about this. All she wanted to think about was Clarke - what her voice sounded like, that little intake of breath when she knew it was Lexa on the phone. And not to mention - the way she'd commanded her in that short conversation - pulling Lexa's strings like a master puppeteer.

That was something wholly unexpected - it lit a fire in Lexa's chest nevertheless.

Anya did that maddening thing where she leaned back, took a deep breath and put her palms together - her voice slow and deliberate as if she was explaining something to a five-year-old.

"Lexa," in that stupid, phony voice. "It's not the same _thing_."

"Don't you dare try to handle me, Anya."

That's what Lexa's mother had always done - Anya ought to know better.

She shot her cousin a look that signaled their conversation was over; Anya wisely let it drop.

Lexa put her earbuds back in and fell asleep listing to Kung Fu Panda.

* * *

Clarke

Holy shit. 

Clarke tried to be cool, she really did but it was no use - her brain was literally fried. After that phone call, thinking straight became completely out of the question. Luckily she drove back to the hotel with Raven who, not only knew about everything that had transpired between she and Lexa - she was in a similar state over Anya. Thankfully, Clarke didn't have to pretend.

She just kept replaying that call in her head. Every perceived nuance in Lexa's voice was analyzed - the _I love you_ and the _Clarke_ that followed, especially.

Raven interrupted her thoughts. Something having to do with she has to _stop saying that word_?

"Say that again?" It was about Lexa, she wanted to know.

"You have to stop saying that - it freaks her out."

Clarke looked at Raven fully now, unsure what she was talking about. "What word?"

Raven explained about the 'ditto' and how that woman used to say the same thing. Suddenly things began to make much more sense to Clarke. That day in her trailer when Lexa had all but flung herself out the door - Clarke had said it then. In response to what, she couldn't remember. She could however, clearly recall the last time. In the hotel, seconds before Lexa had slapped her.

She didn't want to think about that, so she quickly changed the subject (silently vowing to never say the word ditto again for as long as she lived).

"What's with you and the cousin?"

Raven's smile lit up the small space and she shrugged, embarrassed but happy - seemingly unwilling to say more.

That was it? She was just gonna do the shrug and the smile thing? Clarke wanted details, or maybe not details per se, but enough of a conversation to distract her from obsessing too much over her impending phone call. And Raven knew things - pretty much everything. Clarke needed her as an ally.

"Raven, it's only been like 24 hours and you guys already seem like a couple. What is going on?"

"She gets me."

Clarke was going to ask more, but she figured that was as good a reason as any and let it drop. (Maybe it was even the best reason).

* * *

Raven

She knew what was going on with Clarke and Lexa - and not just the obvious. In the short time she'd been with Anya (after only just meeting her), she'd learned all about how and why Lexa was arrested. She'd known about Cassandra Fordham first from Lexa, who never said her name, then later from Anya. Lexa had neglected to mention anything other than she was blonde and dead; Anya filled her in on the rest.

It was a very strange story. Lexa's girlfriend was living a double life, she was married and from what Anya had intimated, had been some type of hardcore sex addict. Lexa had been a willing participant in a game that had left her badly damaged. After her death, Lexa had tried to kill herself; Anya was clearly wrecked over this and opened up to Raven in a manner that seemed out of character. And it was out of character; Anya only said so like eighteen times.

Anya had been a huge surprise. Even speaking to her on the phone that morning, Raven had felt it. There was an electricity between them - no denying it. But it was weird to be in this situation. Raven had initially been interested in Lexa and now - now Clarke was with Lexa and Anya and Raven were going to 'see where this goes'. It all seemed rather incestuous to Raven and she wisely kept her mouth shut - never voluntarily divulging anything she wasn't sure Clarke knew.

What a crazy story it had been. Raven couldn't believe her fucking eyes that night when Lexa walked into that bar and kissed Clarke. Yes, Lexa was behaving very badly but she also looked hot as fuck. She was a little jealous of Clarke, driving back to the hotel alone that night. Little did she know that hours later, she would meet someone who she was more attracted to than anyone. Like ever.

She immediately came clean about her brief dalliance with Lexa; honesty seemed very important to Anya and Raven didn't want to fuck things up by lying. Anya simply laughed at her then asked if Lexa was a good kisser. That briefly shut Raven up, she wasn't used to being challenged in that way. She found that she rather liked it.

Raven wanted to be there for Clarke as much as she could but she sensed there were things that weren't her place to tell, like about Lexa hurting herself. She wasn't sure what Clarke knew or didn't, so she simply kept her mouth shut. She knew that Lexa calling had surprised Clarke. When she gave her the letter, Clarke looked as if she thought this might be goodbye between them, but the call seemed to have changed all that.

She was sure she'd get the most recent update this evening as their plane would be landing soon and Anya had promised to call. She had texted three times. Once right after Raven left the airport and once when they were about to take off. The last one contained X's and O's.

Raven didn't know it but she was on the verge of falling in love.

* * *

Lexa

It was after 11:30pm when they pulled into their driveway; she couldn't wait to call Clarke and could think of nothing else as they entered the dark house together.

She didn't even bother to take her suitcases into her room before she asked. "Let me use your phone."

Why was that so funny?

"Who're you gonna call?"

"Clarke." _Duh_. She poured herself a bowl of cereal.

"I kinda have to call someone too." Anya wagged her eyebrows and smiled. Wickedly.

Ug, disgusting. Lexa would never be attracted to Raven again and was briefly grossed out for the thousandth time that day, that she'd ever made out with her.

She sniffed the milk - seemed ok. "So, you're really into her?" She poured it over the cereal and was about to take a bite.

"Don't sound so surprised." Anya came closer and stole the right bowl out of Lexa's hand. Between a mouthful of cereal, she added casually, "I heard you're a really good kisser."

Lexa thew up her hands in disgust and went down the hallway towards her bedroom. Anya was having way too much fun with this and it actually was kind of cute that Anya liked someone. Disgusting, but cute.

Speaking of cute, when she turned on the overhead light, she was met with a pair of very content green eyes. The scruffy cat she'd made friends with in the garden had been replaced by this healthy, resplendent being curled up right on her pillow.

Lexa gave him her best glare, her commander of the 12 armies stare. He was not at all impressed. She couldn't be bothered with temperamental felines right now, she had a call to make.

* * *

Clarke

Was waiting in front of her phone when it rang, but she let it chime three more times before she answered. Everything in her body felt on fire in the best way imaginable.

"Hi." Her voice was like a million octaves below normal.

"Clarke."

Finally - it was just them. No Anya, no police, no Raven - just them, alone finally. They both just breathed, not saying a word. They stayed silent on the line for about a minute, Clarke was the one who spoke first.

"I _miss_ you."

More deep breaths from the other end. "I miss you too." An even deeper breath this time, before she added, " _so_ much." Lexa seemed really off balance.

"Are you nervous?"

Lexa laughed now, it released the tension between them considerably. "Yes, I am. Is it that obvious?"

"You're obvious," Clarke purred. "And I like it."

"You do, do you?"

"Mm hmm." And she did. She really, really did. And as much as Clarke wanted to flirt right now, they needed to talk. There was a lot they needed to discuss.

"Lexa," she began, hating herself for getting heavy so quickly. "What happened in that hotel room?"

* * *

Lexa

She shouldn't have been surprised - of course Clarke would demand an explanation. It was one of the many things she liked (loved) about her. But damn, she could be a little intense. Like now.

"Can you hold on a minute?" Clarke probably thought she was stalling but she wasn't.

"Uh, ok."

Lexa had to charge her phone while using it, so she was somewhat confined in her movements. She turned off the light, twisted the cable around so it wasn't tangled then laid her head down next to that stupid cat. She closed her eyes, snuggled closer to that dumb cat and began to tell Clarke everything.

She told her about meeting Cass on the street and about how it had been everything she ever thought she wanted. She mentioned that they lived together and told Clarke about that stupid word and why it upset her so (neither of them actually said the word - only referring to it as 'that word'). She briefly touched on the fact that theirs had been an unconventional relationship and tried to let it drop.

Apparently Clarke knew more than Lexa thought. "She was—" Clarke was searching for the right word, the way people do when they don't want to offend you. "Rough with you?"

Clarke didn't get it. Lexa was actually glad she didn't get it. "Something like that." She tried dismissing Clarke.

"I wanna know, Lexa."

"I don't think you do."

"Alright," Clarke sighed. "Another time."

No. No other time, but Clarke could think whatever she wanted.

She stared to ask about Clarke's brother - delicately, but was shut down immediately.

"I don't want to have this conversation over the phone."

It was out of her mouth before she even had a chance to catch it. "Then I think you better come to LA."

Clarke laughed. "I'll be there in a week. Can you survive?"

"Uh, probably not."

They both laughed now; it felt so familiar, so good.

"You better go to sleep, Clarke. You've got an early day tomorrow." Lexa yawned, she couldn't help it.

"You must be so tired."

"I'm ok," Lexa said.

"You always say you're ok, don't you?"

There was no sense in hiding from Clarke, not while she lay there in the dark of her bedroom next to that little purring beast.

"Yeah."

"We're gonna talk about that when I see you."

"Goodnight, Clarke."

"We're gonna talk about everything, do you understand?"

"Yes, Clarke." She was grinning now. Clarke was so bossy.

"That's what I like to hear," she teased. "Know what else I like to hear?"

"Yes, Clarke."

"What is it?"

"I'm gonna hang up afterwards."

"Wouldn't expect anything less."

"I love you, Clarke."

She could hear the beginning of Clarke's response as she pressed the end button. It was stupid to keep hanging up like that, but Lexa kind of liked it. It seemed like something that was very them.

She tried to get that awful cat to move over and when that didn't work, she simply snuggled into him further and sleep came almost instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up with all the cat references?  
> Gays + cats = need u ask?  
> I didn't plan it. It just happened ok?


	30. Inevitable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been a slacker lately and I'm sorry !  
> Hopefully this chapter will make up for it ?  
> xxx  
> I was lazy in proofing.  
> Forgive me.

< For CM >

Lexa

She went to sleep that night happier than she'd been in, like - _ever_. Despite the drama of the past few days, she felt hopeful. She loved Clarke and Clarke loved her. 

Jesus Christ on cracker - Clarke fucking Griffin.

She laughed to herself; who would ever have imagined things would turn out like this? She laughed again and shook her head and as soon as she closed her eyes, sleep took her quickly and deeply until some time later when she woke with a start.

1:42 am _Clarke calling._

A cold sense of fear sliced through her chest as she fumbled for the answer button.

Her voice was high and panicked. "Clarke, what's wrong?"

"I woke you up, didn't I?"

She sat up straight in bed. Her heart was pounding; unexpected phone calls at this hour usually meant trouble. "Are you ok?" She exhaled heavily into the phone a bit more dramatically than she was comfortable with, but the idea of Clarke being in trouble terrified her.

Soft chuckling on the other end made Lexa relax. And when Clarke spoke, she slumped back down onto her pillow, sighing heavily in relief.

"I'm sorry. I just missed you. I didn't mean to wake you—"

"—you didn't." She lied.

"Liar," Clarke teased.

"Shut up." Lexa grinned into her pillow, feeling her heart beginning to race.

They stayed like that for a few moments, each listening to the other's breathing, content.

After a few moments, Lexa spoke again.

"So," she purred into the phone. "You missed me, huh?"

"I did." Clarke's voice sounded like sex - flirty, deep and resonant. Lexa had heard that sound before - during their time in that hotel room.

"Hmm.." Lexa drawled, slow and sleepy. "And where are you, princess?" The nickname had been on the tip of her tongue for days; it came out without thinking.

The blonde made an adorably sexy little sound, kind of like a squeak before she answered.

"I'm in bed." That throaty, deep voice again. It sent strong shivers of desire through Lexa's entire body.

"What are you doing?" Lexa asked.

"Nothing."

 _Didn't sound like nothing_.

"Are the lights off?" Lexa wanted to know.

"Mm hmm." Clarke answered.

Hmm. If Clarke's voice was any indication, she was up to something. Lexa decided to investigate further.

"What are you wearing?" She asked.

The catch in the blonde's breath and the sharp sigh that followed confirmed her suspicions. Lexa smiled to herself as Clarke took another deep breath before answering.

"A tank top and ... _panties_." The way she said the last word, so girly and innocent, called to every nerve in Lexa's body.

She smirked deeper into the pillow, she knew what Clarke wanted. She wanted it too.

"And you couldn't sleep?" She asked innocently, as if she had no idea what could be on Clarke's mind at this hour. In a tank top and panties, with a voice like _that_.

Clarke sounded like she was pouting. "Uh uh."

"How come?" She asked. But she knew. Her _body_ knew, it was obvious as heady desire began to creep up her legs 

"I don't know." Clarke's voice suddenly became shy and full of need now; it drove Lexa wild.

"Clarke?"

"Mm hmm?" She replied softly, flirty.

"Where are your hands?"

The question obviously affected Clarke, her breath caught and she let out a small groan before answering. "On the phone, and..." She trailed off.

Loving the sound of flustered Clarke, Lexa spoke again, her voice firmer this time.

"Where, Clarke?"

The blonde whined low in her throat, fighting answering when they both knew that she really wanted to. It was unbelievably hot - listening while Clarke battled between her brain and her body.

Lexa waited, but Clarke didn't answer; she stayed silent on her end, waiting to see what the blonde would do.

After a few moments, Clarke's worried voice came over the line. "Lexa?"

She smirked and answered causally. "Yeah?"

"Oh," Clarke laughed nervously. "I just wanted to make sure you were still there."

"I'm here."

"You're being so quiet," Clarke whispered.

"I know." Lexa said, then added, "I'm waiting for an answer."

She heard Clarke's breath hitch, but the blonde still did not speak. Apparently she needed a little prodding, which Lexa was more than happy to provide.

"Do you remember the _question_?" Lexa drawled, smooth and slightly condescending, like a firm schoolteacher.

"Yes." Clarke's answer was automatic and breathy.

"What was it?"

She heard the blonde swallow before she answered. "You asked where my hands were."

Lexa remained silent, certain Clarke would tell her. She sighed into the phone to signal that she was waiting.

"Like I said," Clarke's voice was timid again. "One's one the phone and one is..."

"Where, Clarke?"

The voice was low, but Lexa heard. "On my panties," she breathed.

 _Fuck_.

Before she was able to swallow it, a short gasp escaped Lexa's throat. An incredible feeling immediately rushed over her, like electricity coursing through her body. It was instant, as if she'd been administered a powerful drug, delivered directly into her bloodstream. She trailed her right hand down to her stomach and dragged her short fingernails over the smooth skin of her abdomen - reveling in the sensations.

They both began to sigh heavily and Lexa's hips started to move on their own accord before she broke the silence, her voice octaves below normal. "Are you horny, Clarke?"

"Yes," Clarke breathed.

Holy fucking fuck. Lexa's body felt like it was on fire. She dug her nails harder into her ribs and bit her lip in order to calm herself. But she needed to know more - much, much more.

"Are you wet?"

The sharp intake of breath on the other end sufficiently answered the question, but she wanted to hear Clarke say it.

The blonde whimpered again. The sound made breathing somewhat difficult, but Lexa kept her cool as she spoke again.

"I asked you a question."

"I know," Clarke whimpered.

Lexa's voice was playful, but held firm. "And?"

"Yes," she said, exhaling as if she'd been holding her breath for a full minute. "I'm wet."

Clarke's voice was beginning to show signs of the obedience Lexa craved so badly in this moment. She could feel Clarke begin to loosen her grip on the reins she always held so tightly. It was intoxicating - dizzying in fact. While she had mostly been the submissive partner with Cass, the dynamic she and Clarke shared fueled her dominant side.

It felt fuckign amazing, and she loved it.

"Now," she said, her voice thick and deep. And confident. "Was that so hard?"

"No."

"Good girl," Lexa softly praised, and when she heard Clarke's reaction to the words, she slipped her own hand into her grey CK's.

* * *

 Clarke

The sound of that simple phrase coming from Lexa's mouth drove her practically insane.

 _Good girl_ ; the words sent sharp pangs of desire through her entire body.

Clarke knew that some people got off on stuff like that, but she'd never been even remotely interested. Until now. She wanted to hear those words again and she suddenly wanted to say things and she had no idea where they had come from.

Actually, that's not true. While they had been in that hotel room, their lovemaking had been slow and gentle, but once when Lexa took her from behind in the shower she'd felt an urge then. Lexa had pressed her up against the cold tile wall, spreading her her legs, thrusting two fingers inside at a faster pace than she ever had. At that moment, feeling trapped against the wall with Lexa's competent fingers curling inside her, all rational thought vanished and she had briefly wanted to call Lexa "Daddy."

It seemed absurd at the time and Clarke had dismissed it, but now it was back and stronger than ever. Now, as she was on her bed in that hotel room, legs spread with her hand lightly trailing down the center of her very ruined underwear.

And the thing was, she hadn't planned it this way. She didn't think, _oh, I'll call Lexa and we can have phone sex_. It just sort of happened when she heard that sleepy, sexy voice as soon as Lexa answered.

And now Lexa had gone and done it. Uttered those words that made Clarke ache. That simple phrase uttered by Lexa almost destroyed her. It brought her back to that night in the hotel room when they had argued. She felt it then, the battle between what her body wanted versus what her head was telling her. In that moment, just as Lexa became aggressive and had made her come in less than sixty seconds, her head said no, but her body said yes. And it was a big yes. She'd thought about that moment more times than she'd care to admit, and each time, it never failed to send a shiver of excitement up her spine and drench her panties in seconds.

And that's what Clarke thought about now as she lay there in the dark, her heart beating wildly, breathing short and labored. She could hear Lexa breathing differently too and it was sexy as fuck. Neither spoke for a few moments.

"Lexa?" Clarke whispered?

"Mm hmm?" Lexa's voice was rough and full of sex.

"That night in the hotel room, when we fought and you—"

Lexa's voice changed abruptly. "—God Clarke, I'm so sorry, I —"

"That's not what I meant." Clarke interrupted.

"That was unfair and I'm so sorry—"

Lexa wasn't gonna shut up about it, so Clarke interrupted again, louder this time.

"—I don't need an apology from you, I need to tell you something, so can you just be quiet and _listen_?"

That seemed to do the trick because Lexa stopped talking.

"Listen," Clarke began. "I didn't like fighting with you, and I know we have stuff to talk about, about - _that_. But later. Right now, I need to tell you that I have been thinking about it, about that night and I can't get it out of my head."

She stopped taking for a moment, unsure what she wanted to say next. Lexa remained quiet, as it was clear Clarke wasn't finished.

"And it probably sounds weird to you, but I - it was..." She swallowed and cleared her throat, her mouth had suddenly become dry as a desert. How was she going to explain something even she didn't quite understand?

She took a deep breath and began again. "When you had your hand down my pants it was - I was..." She still couldn't bring herself to say the words, or was even sure what words to use. It was the act that excited her. Not rape exactly - Clarke hated that word, but she also liked it. She was sure she was safe with Lexa, which is why she felt it mitchy be ok to explore, but she was still nervous as hell about it.

But Lexa, to her credit, finally caught on. The tone of her voice dropped again,  there was a hint of confident understanding that make Clarke's whole body come alive.

"You _liked_ it."

Finally.

"Yeah," Clarke admitted softly. "I did."

They both groaned at the same time. The admission alone was enough to drench Clarke's panties even further.

Lexa's voice was gentle and sincere, but prodding nevertheless. "Will you explain it to me?"

"Yeah," Clarke breathed. "It's just, you know, like something that is terrible in theory. You weren't doing anything I didn't want, but -- the way I felt and you, how wild you were. It turned me on. And when you told the police that you raped me, I don't know -- whenever I think about it and especially that word associated with it -- I just get..." She wasn't sure how to continue and waited to see what Lexa would say next.

Lexa's reply did not disappoint. "Wet?"

"Yeah."

"You liked me being aggressive, didn't you?"

"Yeah." Clarke replied once again. 

"Taking what I wanted?"

Clarke's heart was pounding as if she'd just done laps around the room. "Yes," she said, pulse racing. It was out of character for her to give up control, but the way Lexa took the lead and gently, but firmly, drew her out, it was more potent than any drug and it affected her deeply.

Lexa chuckled again, it seemed she was enjoying this just as much as Clarke was.

"How wet are you, baby?"

God, she loved it when Lexa called her that. She whimpered a feeble, "I'm not sure."

"Oh really?" Lexa replied in mock disbelief. "You haven't slipped your fingers into your panties?"

"No."

"Then what are you doing?"

"I'm just..." Clarke suddenly felt timid and she liked it. She purposely didn't finish her sentence, wondering if Lexa would demand an answer, hoping she would.

She did. "Just what?"

"I'm just on top of them."

"Clarke," Lexa began, voice thick like honey. "I need you to check to see how wet you are. Can you do that for me?"

"Yes." Her cheeks were on fire.

"Do it now."

Clarke slid her hand under the waistband of her underwear and sank her middle finger into her wetness.

She gasped in surprise at the sheer amount of slickness she felt there. "Oh my god."

Lexa laughed again, a lovely, rich sound. "You're dripping, aren't you baby?"

God, that word again. Fuck.

"Yes," Clarke gasped and then groaned as her finger found her clit. She threw her head back as the most intense sensations flooded her body. She began to pant and she knew that if she kept up the slow strokes, she'd come soon.

Lexa seemed to know it as well because the next thing she said, sounded like a command. "Stop moving your hand."

She stopped.

"You were rubbing your clit, weren't you?"

She felt caught and she loved it. "Yes," she admitted.

"Not yet, ok?"

"Ok," Clarke whimpered.

Lexa's voice took on a fluid, commanding, resonant tone, it made Clarke ache - everywhere.

"Listen to me," she said. "Are you listening, Clarke?"

"Yes."

"Put your fingers in your mouth and tell me how you taste."

Holy fuck.

Clarke did as she was told, making sure to lick her fingers loudly so Lexa could hear. She groaned and Lexa took in a deep breath. They both spoke at the same time.

"How does your come taste?" "Sweet."

Both moaned loudly in unison.

Fuck, this was so hot. Clarke was utterly and completely lost and she loved the feeling.

"Make your fingers wet and go to your breast." Lexa ordered.

Clarke did just that, and just as she was about to drag her wet fingers over her nipple, Lexa spoke again.

" _Not_ your nipple."

Clarke groaned in protest, but Lexa's throaty, "not yet," was worth delaying her pleasure. She softly trailed her fingers over the sides and top of her soft, sensitive breast and awaited further instruction.

Lexa continued to wind her up tighter.

"Do you like that baby?"

"Yes," Clarke sighed heavily, as she caressed the side of her breast. Her nipples were taught and aching for attention, but the delicious desire to submit and obey drove her wild. So she did as she was told - counter to her usual nature. And she loved it.

Both breathed heavily into the phone while Clarke teased her finfers lightly over her skin, reveling in it. This was unbelievably intimate and she felt closer to Lexa than ever. It felt so fucking good. 

After a few moments, Lexa spoke. "Are your legs spread, Clarke?"

"Yes," she gasped, loving the feeling of Lexa commanding her. She added, "and I'm moving my hips."

Lexa chuckled and upped the ante. "Stop," she ordered  

"Stop?" She stilled her rocking pelvis.

"Stop moving and close your legs."

Clarke groaned in protest, but again did as she was told.

"And close your legs," Lexa repeated as if she could see her. 

Clarke groaned, straightened out her legs and crossed them. She felt constricted - frustrated. It made her feel even more out of control, made her want to rock her hips, rub her clit, thrust two fingers inside - like _now_ , but still she obeyed.

"Ok." She signaled that she had done what Lexa asked. 

"Good," Lexa responded. "And are you still touching your breast?"

"Yes," Clarke breathed. God, listening to Lexa's voice as she touched herself, was making her crazy.

"Good baby, now rub your nipple with your palm."

Clarke gasped as she dragged her open palm over the sensitive, tight bud of her nipple. It sent white heat straight to her belly - and lower.

She whimpered and moaned into the phone - Lexa was working her up in the best way - slowly - but Clarke was growing impatient.

"Lexa..." She breathed.

"Mm hmm?"

Clarke moaned. "I need to touch myself."

"Where?"

Clarke moaned again but still didn't answer. Lexa seemed to understand and what she said next, wound Clarke up even tighter.

"Pinch your nipple, Clarke."

And she did, again and again. Shamelessly crying out each time her thumb and forefinger squeezed the sensitive flesh. Jolts of pleasure crashed through her body.

"Again," Lexa demanded.

And Clarke complied, whining into the phone each time she did so. Did Lexa have any idea what she was doing to her? Teasing her like this? Every inch of her body felt alive, it was incredible.

" _Lexa_ ," she whined again - it was a plea.

"What baby?" Lexa purred. "What do you want?"

Oh, Clarke wanted things alright, but she didn't particularly want to say them at this juncture. She just whimpered again, hoping Lexa would get the hint.

* * *

 Lexa

And she did, she got it, but she wasn't about to let Clarke get off easy; she was sure neither of them wanted that. There was a reason for this, for Clarke's behavior - she obviously had needs that Lexa hadn't noticed. Needs that the blonde was showing her now, one by one. She was telling Lexa what she needed in her breaths, hee sighs and the way she so easily took direction.

Omg. Clarke was a bottom; how had she not seen it before? The realization sent sharp bolts of electricity through her entire body. Listening to the blonde's needy whines and sighs, she felt higher then she'd ever been on drugs and she fucking loved it. She felt it in her blood, in her bones - the delicious, wanton urge to wreck Clarke completely.

Although Clarke's sounds made her feel weak, Lexa took in a deep breath and steadied her voice before speaking.

"Clarke," she drawled, taking her time. "Are you still doing what I asked you to?"

"Yes," came the breathless voice.

"And what is that?"

That caused Clarke to groan, low and primal in her throat, before answering. "I'm touching my _nipple_."

Her voice dropped to a faint whisper at that last word, Lexa noticed.

"Are you squeezing it?"

"Yes," Clarke sighed, breathy and needy.

"Do it harder."

Clarke gasped loudly.

"Again," Lexa ordered.

Clarke cried out sharply.

"Do you like that, baby?" Lexa purred.

"Yes," came a tiny voice. 

"Louder." Lexa ordered.

"Lexa," a tiny yelp barely made it through the blonde's lips before she groaned.

Lexa, whose hand was still in her underwear, felt new wetness coat her fingers at the sounds. She grinned to herself.

"What is it, Clarke?"

Clarke's response was mostly unintelligible, so Lexa asked again.

"What? What do you want?"

"Please," Clarke whined, it sounded as if through gritted teeth. She was beginning to unravel.

Lexa fucking loved it. "Please, what?"

"I need to touch myself."

Finally. But Lexa wasn't in the mood to give in so easily.

"Are your legs still closed?"

"Uh," Clarke breathed, stalling. "No, actually."

"Then no, you can't." Lexa said, smirking to herself.

Clarke groaned in protest. "Why?" She whined.

Lexa chuckled. "Why? You're asking me why, Clarke?"

"Mm hmm."

"Don't you think a better question would be, why do need my permission to touch yourself?"

The bluff got Clarke's attention; she groaned and swore under her breath. "Jesus."

Lexa laughed, Clarke was so cute, thinking she could run things. "So you do want my permission, then?"

"Yes," Clarke admitted.

Lexa rewarded her. "Good girl," she said. "Now close your legs like I told you to."

 

* * *

Clarke 

Clarke was dominant in virtually every aspect of her life but surrendering to Lexa felt so delicious so couldn't help herself; those words made Clarke want to worship at her feet. Lexa's words expertly fanned the flames of her desire and had her trembling. That girl was the only person in the world Clarke would allow to lead her. And God, how she ached to follow, to submit.

So she did. She closed her legs that she had spread without her new lover's permission and voiced her acquiescence.

"Ok."

"Are you ready to listen now?"

Fuck yes - she wanted to listen to Lexa forever.

"Yes." 

"Are you still touching your nipple?"

"Yes." She was tweaking her left one, each time sending bolts of electricity toward her sex.

"Put your fingers into your mouth and make them wet."

Clarke did - loudly.

"Good." Lexa cooed. "Now drag them across your other nipple."

Clarke did, but she was beginning to feel strange; awkward. Like, what were they even doing? She ambivalently rubbed her breast. 

"Did you do it?" Lexa asked.

"Yes." Clarke answered, maybe a little robotically.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes," Clarke lied.

"Are you sure?" Lexa's voice was unbelievably gentle.

"Yes," Clarke lied again. Not sure why, maybe it was that she had a fear of disappointing Lexa. Although if she'd thought about it longer, she would have realized that Lexa always put Clarke's pleasure before her own; this time was no different.

Lexa responded skeptically. "You sound weird."

"I know," she admitted. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened."

"Do you want to stop?" Lexa asked.

"No." And she didn't.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Clarke was sure; she wanted this. Her mind just got weird for a second, but she was wet and Lexa was sexy as hell. No way she wanted to stop - this felt way too good.

"God yes," Clarke added.

Lexa took the lead again. "Spread your legs, Clarke."

That was so what she needed to hear. She spread her legs wide and sighed her relief into the phone.

"Good," Lexa hummed. "Now scrape your fingernails down your ribs. Slowly."

Clarke did as she was told and Jesus fuck, it felt good - raking her nails down the side of her body towards where she needed attention the most.

She giggled a little. Lexa knew that Clarke was ticklish. She also knew that being tickled sent a thrum of desire straight to her sex, as they had both learned during their time in that hotel room. Lexa had absentminded traced a blunt fingernail up the side of Clarke's torso once after they had made love for the umpteenth time (Lexa had some stamina). Clarke's reaction took them both by surprise. It aroused her so much, she had flipped Lexa onto her back in less than 3 seconds and selfishly rode her thigh until she came.

Clarke had never really finured out what she liked in bed. She wasn't a prude exactly, she'd been rather adventurous with a few of the guys she dated, but she had never really seen what all the fuss was about. The sex Clarke had experienced had been mediocre at best and none of it had been borne from an emotional connection.

Until Lexa.

Lexa was like fireworks - tiny, sharp explosions occurring all over her body and her mind simultaneously. A push and a pull - primal and as old as the earth. Clarke wasn't close to being capable of understanding what it was about Lexa - about them, that was so divine and right, but she _felt_ it. 

 _Inevitable_.

And here Clarke was, on the telephone at 3:14 in the morning, hot and tense and wet - hanging onto every word Lexa spoke. She felt thoroughly shameless, a headspace that had never come easy for Clarke. Lexa was somehow able to turn Clarke's overactive mind away from her head and steer it toward her body. It was a neat trick and Clarke fucking loved it.

She lightly scratched her side, loving the shivers it sent up her spine. She breathed heavily into the phone, lost in sensation for once, instead of her thoughts.

Lexa's voice sounded sexy, low and thick; Clarke felt it like a mating call - impossible to resist.  "What are you thinking about right now?" She purred.

Clarke didn't even have to think about her answer. "About how wild I feel with you."

She could hear the smile in Lexa's voice; it was probably more like a grin. "And how does it feel?"

"Like..." Clarke struggled to describe it, her intellect wasn't much use when trying to put words to feelings she never imagined existed. "Like, it's animal, innate. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah," Lexa whispered. "Like you're my—

"Mate?" Both said in unison.

"My _soulmate_ ," Clarke joked (although they already both knew it was true).

Lexa laughed. "Smooth, Clarke," she teased.

They both laughed again, maybe somewhat awkwardly.

Clarke pressed it. "No, I mean. I feel like this thing with you." She took a deep breath. "With _us_ , and it feels like out of my control. Like even if I wanted to resist you, there's no way I could. Because it's like in my DNA or something."

Clarke was beginning to overthink everything again. And that was a lot of 'likes'.

"Shh," Lexa murmured. "Relax, my love, I get it. I feel it too."

 _My love_??

Clarke was so overwhelmed, her heart felt as if it was about to explode.

"Lexa?" She sighed.

"Yeah?"

Clarke was gonna say it for real this time, and she knew it would be ok. "I'm so in love with you."

Lexa sucked in a sharp breath and exhaled loudly. "I love you too, Clarke."

And they both laughed as tears silently rolled down Clarke's cheeks. She sniffed loudly then laughed again at the sound, making a rather unattractive honking sound.

"Sorry, I'm not being very sexy right now."

"Maybe I like girls who snort," Lexa whispered playfully.

Omg, Lexa said snort; such a charmer. She made Clarke feel at once both at ease and completely terrified. It was the most exciting thing Clarke had ever felt and she was so smitten, it was disgusting.

"How are you so perfect?" She murmured.

"Perfect?" Lexa scoffed playfully.

"Yeah, like, you always say the right things to get me to relax." Clarke explained matter-of-factly. It was a fact; Clarke felt free with Lexa. It was as if the typical boundaries that usually exist between two people, however close, just didn't exist. And it felt as if all of the stuff that had happened between them previously was no longer important. She had felt close to Lexa before, very close, but never as intimate as she did now. On the phone at - 4:12 am - thousands of miles between them.

"Do I?" Lexa flirted. Clarke could hear the smile in her voice; the sound was intoxicating.

"Yeah, you know you do." Clarke laughed and then yawned, loudly.

Lexa laughed and then yawned too as she spoke. "Clarke, it's late. You should sleep."

"I know, but I don't want to."

"Clarke," Lexa purred in that velvet voice. "You have work tomorrow."

They may have stopped talking about sex for the time being, but Clarke was still really horny.

"So you're just gonna leave me like this?" She teased.

"Like what?" Lexa's silky voice became low and full of mischief. It drove Clarke crazy. She immediately felt a sharp twinge of desire rip through her belly and up her chest - her blood positively sang as she felt a hot, new wetness drench her. She felt drunk - drunk on the girl at the other end of the line.

"I'm wet." Clarke pouted.

"Oh really?"

"Mm hmm."

"So what do you want to do about it?" Lexa asked.

"I wanna touch myself." Talking about it was turning Clarke on even more.

Lexa was quick with her questions. "Oh really?"

"Yes," Clarke admitted.

"Then ask me." 

 _Fuck_.

Could she get any wetter? Was that possible? There was a good chance she was laying in a small lake by now, but she was certain of it as soon as Lexa added, "nicely."

_Holy fuck._

Clarke groaned obscenely. She was gonna do it - perform the verbal equivalent of kneeling at Lexa's feet. Licking her boots - Clarke wasn't sure how she felt about that last thought, but it was there. And right now, it turned her the fuck on.

"Can I please touch myself?" She tried to sound sexy, but she was a little self conscious.

"Where?"

Oh shit. Clarke's spread legs began to shake. She was gonna answer, but she didn't quite know what word to use. Her cheeks were on fire as she made the split second decision.

"Down there," she answered meekly.

She could practically hear Lexa roll her eyes as if to say 'amateur.'

"Clarke?" A stern voice now.

"Yes?"

"Do you want me to hang up?" Lexa's voice told Clarke she was pushing it. Clarke, of course loved it.

"No."

Lexa's voice was sweet, but held an edge. "Then do better this time, ok baby?"

The sound rippled through Clarke, it made every nerve stand at attention. "Ok," she answered easily.

The lead suited Lexa as she easily took it again. "Now where do you want to touch yourself, princess?" She asked with just the right amount of smugness.

Princess. Omg. Lexa's words made her feel so fucking sexy. She answered quickly, but quietly. "My pussy."

Lexa didn't catch the growl that escaped her throat; Clarke heard it and was ignited. A scene briefly played out in her mind: her nails raking down the expanse of Lexa's tanned back. Clarke suddenly felt wild - needy and aggressive. It was insane.

It was clear they both felt it. They each breathed heavily for a moment, after which Lexa spoke. "Then ask me."

_Oh god. Here we go._

Her body felt like jello as she spoke. "Can I touch my pussy?" She asked quietly, voice thick with need.

"Louder." Lexa demanded.

Clarke was dripping wet. "Can I touch my pussy?" Louder this time.

Those words hung between them, stretched thin and tense until Lexa's voice caused Clarke to clench her walls in want.

"Say please." 

"Please," Clarke whined.

"Touch yourself." Lexa ordered softly.

 _Finally_.

It went on like this for the next hour in much the same way; Lexa's teasing her until she could not longer think. She got Clarke to that place where she could simply _feel_ and react; her mind was finally quiet. And when she finally orgasmed on Lexa's command, (after she had sufficiently begged, of course), it felt like her old self was shattered into tiny, sharp pieces. It was incredible.

Clarke came loudly. Five times. She had wanted to stop after the first because it was earth shattering, but Lexa ordered her to keep going. She was extremely sensitive, but she did it; she loved when Lexa told her what to do and would soon grow to crave it.

"Again," Lexa quickly demanded after the first one, "don't stop," after the second, and "again," again after the third, but it was what she said after the fourth that dismantled Clarke completely.

Just as Clarke had finished riding the high - sweaty, sticky and sore, Lexa spoke again. "Don't you _dare_ stop, baby girl."

Holy fuck. Hearing that term of endearment from Lexa's mouth almost killed her. She moved her hand faster as was coming again in a matter of seconds. The orgasm hit her sharply and was made even better by Lexa's whispered words during the peak of it.

"I love you Clarke." She said, as Clarke was gasping for breath.

"I love you too," Clarke cried as she rode out her pleasure. She felt amazing.

They stayed quiet for a minute or so while Clarke caught her breath and recovered.

"Baby sleep now." Lexa murmured softly. She sounded tired. As she should be, Clarke suddenly realized that Lexa hasn't slept much at all in the past 24 hours.

And even though Clarke selfishly wanted to stay on the phone all night, she urged Lexa to do the same. "You need to sleep too, it's been a long few days."

At the reference Lexa got quiet and Clarke felt the energy between them shift. She definitely detected something, whether it was simply Lexa being tired or something more serious, Clarke didn't know, but panic tore through her at the thought of Lexa maybe pulling away again. The idea seemed impossible given what they'd just done, but Clarke remembered being shocked by Lexa's behavior once before. The last time, what was it -- yesterday? (It seemed to Clarke as if it had been months already). The last time had been after they'd grown so close in that hotel room during a snowstorm.

She kind of started to worry a little bit. What if? What if Lexa thought her an amateur, calling her for phone sex and probably not doing a very good job of it? Lexa had been in this kind of territory before -- with that horrible woman, what's her fuck (WHF, for short). They had no doubt done some kinky shit in the bedroom - what if she was tame compared to that woman? What if she couldn't compete with that? What if Lexa gets bored - or maybe is already bored?

In the few seconds of silence, Clarke's thoughts took every sharp turn imaginable. She suddenly felt so insecure.

"Ok then," she whispered casually, trying to dismiss her concerns. "You should sleep."

"Clarke?" Lexa sounded worried

"Yes?" Clarke spoke quickly and succinctly, anxiety crept up from her stomach, into her chest.

"Are you ok?"

"Yep." She answered. "I'm fine, you should go to sleep."

"Clarke, what is it?" purred Lexa, trying to draw her out. The care and affection in Lexa's voice made Clarke's eyes well up.

"I'm ok," she sniffed as tears began to fall. What was wrong with her? Clarke had never been insecure with boys or for any reason, really. Yet here she was, after having the most wonderful conversation (not to mention amazing orgasms) with Lexa and she's become a mass of doubts.

Lexa spoke softly and with great concern. "Where is your mind going?"  
Lexa's words and the way she said them affected Clarke deeply, viscerally - in her very bones. There was no room for doubt when she heard that voice; Lexa cared deeply for her. It was impossible not to feel it.

Clarke opened her mouth, and against her usual nature, let the words fly as fast as the thoughts hit her brain. She told Lexa about her worries regarding sex between them, that she was mostly inexperienced and that she sometimes wanted things that scared her. She admitted to worrying that she wouldn't know how to satisfy Lexa's appetites being that she was mostly inexperienced and she knew that Lexa had been into some serious kink. (She cringed when she said that, but went on anyway). She rambled on for a few moments, mostly the same things said different ways. Until finally she stopped.

After about five seconds, Lexa spoke. "Are you finished?" That voice made Clarke imagine a patient smile playing at the corners of Lexa's lips.

A thought suddenly occurs to Clarke; Lexa never interrupts her. She takes a moment to appreciate it, briefly feeling badly for all the times _she's_ done it to Lexa and vows to be less interrupt-y in the future.

"Yes."

Lexa's voice was so sweet, it almost broke her heart.

"I know your mind goes a million miles an hour." (Clarke laughed bc it was true). "And I get that you're worried, but instead of me saying a bunch of words I'm just going to ask you to trust me. Relax that head of yours and let me show you how i feel about you."

Lexa took a deep breath before continuing, the sincerity in her voice unmistakable. "Can you do that?"

_Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes._

"Ok," she replied, somewhat begrudgingly, as if her arm were being twisted.

Lexa didn't miss a beat. "Oh" she said offhandedly. "Ok. There's no shortage of other hot girls now that I'm back in LA."

Cocky little shit.

"You think I'm hot?" Clarke flirted.

"You're ok."

"Yeah." Clarke chucked. "You _want_ me."

Lexa's silky, smooth voice diverted all of Clarke's attention south "You're right," she purred. "I do."

Now Clarke couldn't stop smiling, and she just had to say it again. "I love you."

"I love you too, dork."

They cracked up laughing like idiots. It felt so fucking good. Clarke felt as if she could spend the rest of her life laughing with Lexa. The thought made her knees weak. All those endorphins coursing through her body made Clarke dizzy. After promising at Lexa's insistence, not to go dark and a few more I love you's, they finally hung up. Clarke couldn't get the smile off her face. She still had two hours to sleep and as she snuggled down until her duvet, her phone chimed.

LW - there's only one hot girl I wanna fuck

In an instant Clarke was wet again. She replied.

Clarke - and who is that ??

She chewed on her lip until she saw that Lexa was typing.

LW - I'm pretty sure you know who it is

Clarke - Raven ??

LW - how'd you know ??

 _How dare she_ , Clarke's blood began to boil as she typed a snotty reply.

Clarke - really?? U want her??? Go for it!!!

LW - you're sexy when you're mad

Clarke - asshole

LW - ha ha

Clarke - who is it then ?

Lexa's response seemed to take forever, but when it came Clarke's heart soared.

LW - it's you baby

She would never grow tired of hearing Lexa call her baby. Other people in Clarke's life had used the word, but it had never affected her like this. It felt incredible.

Clarke - good answer, now go to sleep

LW - I do what I want

Clarke giggled out loud at that. Lexa was so stubborn sometimes. Stubborn and cute. 

Clarke - of course you do. I'm going to bed, so goodnight

LW - wait...

LW - I love you

Clakrke felt a surge of warmth envelop her chest.

Clarke - love you too

LW - and we're gonna talk abt all the stuff you want that scares you, got it ? 

The prospect was both exhilarating and terrifyingly; Clarke ignored it.

Clarke - goodnight Lexa 

LW - we are, you know ? 

Clarke - ok fine 

LW - we're gonna talk about everything 

Clarke - zip it

LW - I love you, go to sleep

She set her phone down away from the bed. If it was close by, she would just keep texting Lexa and she needed to get some rest. She also kind of liked keeping Lexa hanging, perhaps waiting on a reply. She was sure her love and need were the strongest between the two of them and she felt it balanced her out somehow. 

She was asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.  

* * *

Clarke

The alarm went off at 6.30. She groaned as she checked her phone; nothing more from Lexa. That was ok, it had only been a few hours and poor Lexa had sounded so tired. She was obviously sleeping. The thought of Lexa snug in her bed made Clarke grin.

She was tired as shit but being able to talk to Lexa like that was worth it. She had to be on set today in an hour, so there was no hope of hitting snooze multiple times like she usually did. She drug herself out of the warm covers and opened the curtains. She was still in that little room with the crappy view - the one she chose simply to be nearer to Lexa. 

Lexa - the reality of her - of _them_ , hit Clarke full force. The realization that they were really going to start a real relationship just blew her fucking mind. Clarke was certain she'd never felt this good in her life.

Lexa Woods - that girl made her head spin. She had turned out to be so much more than Clarke had imagined. She didn't know how it was possible to feel this way about another human being. Her mind was full to overflowing with thoughts: memories about their conversation, things she wanted to ask her, things she wanted to tell her. She was bombarded with images, scenes of them doing all manner of things together: eating, sleeping, kissing - but mostly fucking. Lots of fucking - and Lexa was always on top. A place Clarke had figured she would always be. But not now. Not anymore. Lexa forced her to feel - it was almost too much. Thinking about it caused the points of her cheeks to grow warm. She grinned like a girl hopelessly in love and stepped into the steamy shower.

* * *

After she'd gathered the essentials: dark sunglasses, a breve latte with an extra shot, water and cigarettes, she waited outside the hotel for Raven. They were driving together today just as they had been since -- _everything_ happened.

Clarke had never really considered Raven a friend, not really, but now - now she felt totally different. Not only did Raven know about everything that had transpired with she and Lexa, she was also a _link_ to Lexa now that she and Anya were - whatever they were, Clarke almost felt as if she were family - and she never threw that word around causally.

Not only did she now have a girlfriend, she also had a close friend, someone she could be honest with. It felt good, but strange. Clarke had made a point not to trust anyone. Ever. Sure, she'd let people in to a certain extent and some of her past partners might have even thought she had been vulnerable with them. But it wasn't the case - Clarke kept most of herself hidden, at least the soft bits.

And girlfriend^^ She would never have been so presumptive in the past as to label someone she was seeing or dating or whatever-ing. She had cringed herself when people were so quick in wanting to define things, but then again, she hadn't ever been in a relationship where she had yearned for anything the way she did for Lexa. Lexa felt safe - like home, but at the same time, called to something wild in her, something deep and primal and ... dangerous. She thought of animals mating, the forces of biology, nature and the earth. Lexa was a chemical in her blood, Clarke ached to follow the instincts that told her to mate with Lexa like a fucking beast.

Clarke caught herself - she had begun to clench her thighs together on the hard, stone bench. Jesus Christ, she felt like a fuckign animal. She'd never had these kinds of urges before. She stopped and admitted to herself that, from the outside, the situation might look a little odd, but she decided she would not continue to judge herself about it. She was sure that seeing Lexa soon would help her figure out some of these thoughts. It excited her that Lexa wouldn't let it drop; she knew how to handle Clarke. It thrilled her when Lexa took the lead and pushed her around a bit. Clarke had always done the pushing around and it excited her to now be on the other side.

A shadowy figure briefly blocked the sunshine in which Clarke was sitting.

"Hey, dumbass."

Clarke had forgotten how cocky Raven could be. She hadn't seen much of the brunette's humor since she and Octavia ended their _secret-thing-that-everybody-knew-about_ over a year ago. It was nice to see her laughing as she strode across the concrete, looking fresh and well rested.

She gathered her things and hurried to join Raven who did not slow down. She juggled with her bottle and coffee, catching up with her before they reached the car. Raven was walking fast and would not look at her; Clarke grabbed her arm, Raven wouldn't look at her.

Clarke couldn't believe it, Raven was smiling. Not only was she smiling - she was fucking grinning.

"Is that a-" she paused for effect. " _Grin_ on your face?"

Raven simply smiled harder and walked faster.

Clarke grabbed her by the arm and forced her to look at her. Omg, her cheeks were Crimson and she couldn't.stop.smiling.

"Ra-ven," she sang. "What's going on, Raven?" Loving the embarrassment on her face.

"Shut up."

They reached the car and got in, Clarke staring Raven down the entire time. She finally backed off after a few more moments, fairly sure she wasn't gonna get anything. After they had merged onto the highway in silence, Clarke turned on the radio. Raven immediately turned it off. Clarke leaned back in her seat, eyeing the girl expectantly.

"How's Lexa?" She asked casually.

Now it was Clarke's turn to smile. "She's good. How's Anya?"

Oh, Raven had it bad; maybe as bad as she did. The look on her face sent Clarke into a fit of laughter. Raven tried her best to hold onto her composure but it was no use. They were soon cracking up together driving down the highway at full speed. For maybe two full minutes they laughed - until Clarke had tears in her eyes and Raven swerved.

"Ok, ok," Raven said in mock seriousness, motioning with her hand. "Calm the fuck down."

She pointed to Clarke's coffee, making a grabbing gesture with her hand while simultaneously nodding her head. "I'm gonna have this?"

Clarke narrowed her eyes. Was this a trap? Was that even a question?

"Ok." She agreed neutrally, somewhat surprised but not upset.

Raven mumbled her thanks as she gingerly took the top off then took big swallows. Clarke was the one who needed the coffee, she'd only slept a few hours. She looked over at Raven, who seemed to be making love to the cup.

"Good?" Clarke asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, I'm fucking beat."

She didn't even look tired. "Why?"

Raven took her eyes from the road and raised her sunglasses, Clarke could see they were red-rimmed and bloodshot.

"Cause I stayed up all fucking night having phone sex with Anya." She moaned like someone in great pain and they soon erupted into laughter once again.

* * *

Anya

Anya did not _do_ the phone and she certainly had no time for a long distance relationship with someone like the stupidly cocky, younger Raven Reyes.

But apparently she had _found_ the time because she'd been on the phone with Raven the entire night. She hadn't slept a wink since she'd been in Canada. She was tired but she couldn't deny that she hadn't been this excited about anything in years. And while she was delighted about Raven, she was still worried about Lexa.

Anya knew that Clarke and Lexa had spoken all night just as she'd done with Raven, who had texted as they'd arrived on set this morning. She had unwittingly become Anya's spy - and not through any malicious intent, she knew Anya was just worried about Lexa, (and also, Anya had specifically asked). This information would be valuable to Anya, it would give her an edge. One she may have to use at some point - perhaps even today in getting her cousin to agree to the counseling appointment that afternoon, if necessary.

Lexa rolled out of bed a few hours later, a small grin playing about her lips. She tried to hide it, but Anya knew her. She was sat at the kitchen table with her iPad when Lexa walked in. She grumbled a good morning and went to fill the kettle. After she put it on, she began flattening the recycling so that Anya didn't have to. Anya had long ago grown tired or bugging Lexa about it, so she always did it herself. She smiled, watching her cousin stomp on the boxes and cans like a child, giggling after each one.

Anya was briefly charmed. It was great too see Lexa looking so alive again - it had been so long. But Lexa almost looked like she was on a high and it tugged a small thread of worry inside Anya. She tucked it away for now and just watched.

Yep, Lexa was on a high alright - a Clarke Griffin high, which was fine. Even great, given the heartbreak her cousin had experienced in the past, but things weren't exactly back to normal or fixed. Lexa wasn't just going get to come home and resume her life without making some changes, as much as she thought she could.

She decided to go easy for the time being, give Lexa a chance to do the things she needed to do while Anya stood by her side. She could (and was well within the law to do so, given Lexa's age and their legal arrangements) have easily put Lexa into a 30 day rehab somewhere- there was a great one nearby in Malibu, but that's not what she wanted to do. There was of course, the press to think about - but also, she didn't think Lexa needed that type of intensive treatment. She did need to see a therapist - regularly, and Anya would make sure she did that.

If Lexa was going to stay at home, she would have to stick to a schedule: counseling, abstaining from substances and while Anya thought it was ok for her to see Clarke - she would have to figure out a way to manage that too. She had a week to figure it out. 

Ding 

Anya looked down at her phone. It was a text from Raven.

RR - We r gonna be done in 2 days instead of a week, how would u feel abt me coming home w/ Clarke? 

Fuck yes, Anya sent her reply immediately. 

Anya - I'll kill you if you don't  

She sent it off and grinned hugely. They had talked about Raven coming to LA with Clarke, but she had no idea it would be so soon -this was gonna be good, she could feel it.

"What was that all about?" Lexa wanted to know as she stood at the counter, brewing her tea. 

Another ding.

RR - don't say anyth to L, Clarke wants to surprise her

Anya got up, smiling innocently at Lexa on her way into the living room. 

"Oh nothing," she said casually, making sure to muffle her laughter until she was well out of earshot.

 


	31. Hehehehee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets ready to surprise Lexa...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For CM

Clarke

It had been a long morning and they were finally taking a break when she got them. One after the other they arrived.

Ding

 **LW** \- oh I see how it is

Clarke smiled. She still hadn't texted Lexa back. She'd wanted to, but worried she would wake her up. She also liked playing a little hard to get, especially after last night. Last night - Holy Christ - all those feelings came rushing back - creating a deliciously needy, hot ache of desire at her core. Before she could respond, another one arrived.

Ding

 **LW** \- ur making me work for it , huh?

Ding

 **LW** \- that's fine, I've got stamina

Clarke's pulse was racing faster with every ding.

Ding

 **LW** \- and I know how to handle difficult princesses

She grinned and typed back.

 **Clarke** \- is that so??

 **LW** \- it is

 **Clarke** \- good morning, sleepyhead

 **LW** \- good morning, how are you

 **Clarke** \- tired, how are you ?

 **LW** \- better now, u on set?

 **Clarke** \- all day but I won't have much to do for another few hours

 **LW** \- so you're saying you're free? Can I call you?

 **Clarke** \- I have no privacy rn, but we can text for a bit if you can??

And that was how it began. Back and fourth they texted for the next four hours, one after the other at rapid speed where they fell into an easy rhythm. It was almost seamless between them, and seductive. So much so, that a simple inquiry from Lexa regarding the temperature, immediately morphed into talk of Clarke's nipples and what Lexa's mouth wanted to do with them.

It was so easy to talk to Lexa like this and Clarke felt wide open, as if she could say anything; and she did. She told Lexa things in those texts that she hadn't even told her best friend. Personal things that came out effortlessly - stuff about her childhood and her brother and why she felt she could not connect emotionally with men. It was so easy and instant with Lexa; their chemistry grew stronger with every word that passed between them. Lexa was so bright, not to mention fast with her responses. Clarke smiled at the thought. She remembered other things Lexa's quick fingers had done to her. Jesus, she had been so fucking good with them.

For the first few hours, the content of their messages remained tame. And by tame, I mean that Clarke had not yet broached the subject of what they had done on the phone the night before and more importantly, how it had made her feel. Something she truly wished to do, but she wasn't sure of the terminology and worried she might sound inexperienced.

She had turned to google earlier that morning but wasn't sure what she was even looking for.  
She tried lesbian + daddy which brought up a fair amount of results, but it wasn't really what she was looking for. She didn't know what that was exactly, but she did rather like the images of girl on girl strap-on sex. She smiled at the thought as she texted Lexa - she was gonna go for it.

 **Clarke** \- last night was...

 **LW** \- Amazing

 **Clarke** \- yeah

 **Clarke** \- I've never felt like that before

 **LW** \- neither have I

Clarke suddenly thought of Cassandra Fordham - Lexa's ex, and all the stuff Anya had said they did together. She began to feel a pang of jealousy. Irrational, but it was there.

 **Clarke** \- no?

 **LW** \- never

 **Clarke** \- what about with her?

 **LW** \- never

 **Clarke** \- oh

 **LW** \- Baby, what's going on?

 **Clarke** \- nothing sorry

 **LW** \- baby

 **Clarke** \- what

 **LW** \- talk to me

 **Clarke** \- it's nothing

 **LW** \- sounds like sth

 **Clarke** \- it's fine

 **LW** \- Clarke talk to me. What do you need rn?

 **Clarke** \- I don't know. I'm sorry. I should go.

She had nowhere to be, she just didn't know how to start the conversation and she felt kind of stupid.

 **LW** \- do you have to go shoot?

 **Clarke** \- no

 **LW** \- then why are you leaving? (Me)

 **Clarke** \- I'm not leaving you. I just don't know what to say

 **LW** \- you don't know what to say?

 **Clarke** \- don't know how

 **LW** \- Well that's different ....

 **Clarke** \- yes

 **LW** \- do you want to talk about her ?

 **Clarke** \- is it ok?

 **LW** \- yes baby

 **Clarke** \- you sure?

 **LW** \- of course it is. ask me anything you need

So Clarke let it fly.

She asked question after question - first the benign stuff like: how did they meet? did they live together? etc. But what Clarke really wanted to know was what sex between them was like. From the first moment she had learned of the nature of Cass and Lexa's relationship, she was intrigued. She didn't know specifics -- Anya didn't give any and she was smart enough not to ask, but for the past few days -- very cliché visions of bdsm scenes had been playing through her mind.

Truth be told, what Lexa had done in anger to Clarke in that hotel room was the thing that was on her mind constantly. It was that thought -- of angry Lexa furiously pumping in and out of her, taking what she wanted while Clarke had no control over her own body - which betrayed her. She knew she should be disgusted-- wasn't it rape to take someone against their will? The thought sent delicious shivers up her spine. She knew that this was never a way to solve conflicts, but she really wanted to feel that again, yet she had no idea how to convey it.

 **Clarke** \- did you use a strap on with her?

 **LW** \- yes

 **Clarke** \- who wore it?

 **LW** \- both

 **Clarke** \- who wore it more ?

 **LW** \- her

 **Clarke** \- did you tie her up?

 **LW** \- no

 **Clarke** \- did she tie you up?

 **LW** \- yes

Hmm. Clarke had expected Lexa to have been the dominant partner in that relationship, but it didn't appear that was the case.

 **Clarke** \- so you were the bottom? (She had heard the term, but wasn't exactly sure what it meant)

 **LW** \- mostly

What did _that_ mean?

 **Clarke** \- oh

 **Clarke** \- ok

 **LW** \- Clarke?

 **Clarke** \- yeah?

 **LW** \- this isn't about her. It's about us, we can make our relationship any way we want

 **Clarke** \- I know but I don't know how this works

 **LW** \- how what works ??

 **Clarke** \- like who is on top or bottom

 **LW** \- baby, you're thinking too much

 **Clarke** \- I know. I'm sorry. It's just I have all these things in my head

 **LW** \- what things?

Oh god, specifics. Clarke stalled.

 **Clarke** \- hey don't you have a counseling appt today?

 **LW** \- how do you know about my appt??

 **LW** \- wait, let me guess .... RR, perhaps ?

 **Clarke** \- hehehe, guilty as charged

 **LW** \- she's giving you Intel now?

 **Clarke** \- maybe

 **LW** \- very funny. And yes I do have an appointment in an hour

 **LW** \- and don't think I didn't notice the subject change

 **LW** \- what things?

 **Clarke** \- i don't know,

 **LW** \- are you feeling shy?

 **Clarke** \- yes

 **LW** \- what's on your mind, baby girl?

Oh shit. That little nickname sent a bolt of lightning straight through her.

 **Clarke** \- I keep thinking abt the other night when we fought

She saw that Lexa was typing and quickly added.

 **Clarke** \- and don't apologize

 **LW** \- Clarke, I get that you liked it but this is something I can never forgive myself for doing in anger.

 **Clarke** \- I know. The context was bad, but what if we wanted to play like that sometimes?

She bit her lip and waited for a response.

 **LW** \- fuck

 **Clarke** \- what??

 **LW** \- FUCK

 **Clarke** \- what baby??

 **LW** \- I wanna play those games with you

Then they both texted at the same time.

 **LW** \- and I'm gonna be in charge //  **Clarke** : I want to call you daddy sometimes

 **LW** \- holy fuck, baby girl

 **Clarke** \- Jesus. I'm wet rn

 **LW** \- fuck baby, you're killing me, I want to be your daddy

 **Clarke** \- Jesus fuck, that feels so good

 **LW** \- it's so us

 **Clarke** \- um, do you have a ....

 **LW** \- a????

 **Clarke** \- a strap on?

 **LW** \- no, but we can get one

 **Clarke** \- I want it

 **LW** \- well I better hurry up bc you're gonna be here in a week

Little did Lexa know that Clarke would be back in LA in less than two days. She really should have told Lexa, but she wanted to surprise her and truth be told, she felt more confident coming in when Lexa had no time to prepare. Maybe it was a shitty thing to do and maybe Lexa would be somewhat mad at her, but she was gonna do it anyway.

 **Clarke** \- wait until I get there, ok?

 **LW** \- ok boss

 **Clarke** \- isn't your appt in like 15 min?

 **LW** \- yep, I've got to go, but ill call you tonight? If you're free, that is (smirk)

 **Clarke** \- always free for you

 **LW** \- good girl

 **Clarke** \- I love you

 **LW** \- I love you too princess  <3

* * *

After a morning of texting nonstop for hours, Clarke grew more aroused and frustrated sexually than she'd ever been in her life. It was delicious but torturous - their words had her feeling turned on all day long and did not get much better when she went back to her room for the night. In that hotel room where she and Lexa had phone sex the night before. She couldn't wait to get back there to satisfy the ache between her thighs.

Earlier that day, after prying Anya's address out of Raven, Clarke spent over $400 on sex toys online. With two day delivery, the box would arrive just as she did. She felt somewhat embarrassed looking at the wide variety of items, but truth be told, she loved it. She chose two different kinds of strap on harnesses. Both looked cool and were very Lexa: one red, one black with boy shorts attached. She chose a natural, organic lube, 50 feet of shibari rope and a pair of shiny handcuffs. As she was checking out, she learned that she qualified for a free steel butt plug, so that would get sent too.

Omg. What was Lexa gonna think? Clarke laughed to herself - she'd find out in two days.

Hehehehee.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on the next chap as we speak. I think you will all be pleased.  
> Thanks for sticking with me on this.


	32. Purple Sparkle Dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's first visit to her new therapist and stuff...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my love, CM.

Lexa

Given everything that had transpired over the past few days, her head still spun. Becoming involved with Clarke Griffin was something she'd never imagined in a million years. In a few short weeks, Lexa had gone from being completely closed off and emotionally checked out to an unpredictable and sexually aggressive asshole. And from going from trying to cruelly drive the girl away by any means possible to saying I love you in the span of a day -- well, all _that_ had Lexa's head feeling more than a little off balance.

And aside from falling completely and hopelessly in love, she'd had a relapse; a big one. In a moment of sheer desperation, she had taken those pills and everything just went downhill fast from there. She'd hit Clarke, slapped her - then, adding insult to injury, Lexa had brought sex into the equation. Expertly using Clarke's desires against her, and in that moment Lexa had felt powerful - like she had won. And she knew right then, as she felt the immediate rush of power the moment Clarke orgasmed violently in the palm of her hand - this was more dangerous and addicting than any drug. 

The way Clarke's eyes widened in lust and surprise, how she fought against her desire despite the slick that Lexa's fingers provoked -- and then that last moment before the blonde climaxed, their comingled gasps of lust and the anger fueling Lexa's muscles...it enveloped her.

She had never felt so in control and so alive. 

And she had never felt so guilty. So wrong and disgusting for using Clarke in the way that Lexa herself had been used in the past. It had felt so wrong afterwards, Lexa was more than happy to offer herself over to the cops for her crimes - provable or not - she felt she deserved it. For doing to Clarke what had been done to her - and for liking it so much. 

She didn't feel so guilty anymore; not with Clarke's recent admissions. But that didn't change the facts of the situation, and even if Anya had all but forced her to go and as stupid as she felt for doing it, she admitted to herself that she did need to talk to someone.

* * *

She ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath as she entered the pleasantly lit reception area as she pushed open a heavy glass door that read _Dr. Weisz, Ph.D._

Hmm. Bland, empty... She plopped herself down onto a hideous, barf colored sofa, rested her combat boot-covered feet onto the small coffee table and pulled her phone out to text Clarke. Just as she was about to type, an adjacent door opened to reveal a very tiny and wrinkled woman who employed the use of a cane. And not very well, Lexa noticed, as the grey haired woman ambled angrily towards her.

Great, apparently Anya had made her an appointment with the keeper of the crypt.

Lexa rose to her feet and nodded at the woman who seemed not to care one bit that she was standing there. She held out her hand without thinking.

"Hi, I'm Lexa."

The old woman could scarcely handle walking with a cane and was clearly in no position to shake hands. 

"Fuck off," she glared at Lexa.

Lexa yanked her own hand back like it was on fire.

A British accent from behind the door, "I'll see you next week, Marie."

"Fuck off." The woman muttered, pointing a bony finger in Lexa's direction as she made her way to the exit.

British accent laughed. "Just try to keep positive, Marie."

"Fuck off."

The door slammed and Lexa jumped.

"You must be Lexa," said British accent, holding out a hand that was attached to one of the most alluring women Lexa had ever seen.

* * *

Clarke 

"So blondie," Raven flirted, cocking her head to the side while simultaneously putting on that dazzling smile. "Who were _you_ texting all day?"

As if she didn't know.

Clarke's cheeks burned slightly. She had offered to drive them back to the hotel after they'd finished on set and was pleasantly surprised when Raven tossed her the keys as they walked side by side to the parking area. Of course Clarke fumbled with them like a dork, and Raven simply laughed. They were becoming so easy together; it felt nice.

They had been discussing their trip to LA. and Clarke offered Raven her extra bedroom, prefacing the gesture with a disclaimer regarding the anticipated noisy nights ahead of her. She laughed and mentioned that Raven could of course, go to Anya's, or Clarke to Lexa's, or whatever configuration worked. Raven laughed now, then they both did. It was kind of like they were dating twins or something. It seemed crazy  

Clarke smiled coyly in the direction of the passenger seat. Raven took it as an answer and grinned, raising her eyebrows dramatically.

"You guys were talking dirty, huh?"

Clarke blushed even harder. "Oh my god, no." She swallowed momentarily, before adding, "why, is that what you guys do?"

"Uh, yeah, don't say you don't." Raven laughed, before she casually added, "But are you talking about anything else?"

Lines immediately appeared at Clarke's brow. "What does _that_ mean?"

"Like, everything that's happened? You're not just talking about fucking, right?"

Her first impulse was to shut Raven down completely. Clarke didn't like to be pressured in any way, especially not about her feelings, but she let herself take a moment to consider.

Had they talked about everything? _Sufficiently_? She briefly ticked off a list in her mind. Clarke's behavior: the lies and boundaries crossed. Pills, violence against each other, possible sexual assault (not in her mind), the police, Anya, jail... Not to mention this sexual awakening Lexa had inspired.

No, she concluded. They hadn't even scratched the surface of the things they would eventually need to discuss. Her chest began to feel tight at the thought. She looked over at Raven, only just now realizing she was speaking.

"..like, how a chick gets off when she gets her dick sucked?"

Clarke's eyes widened dramatically. " _What_?"

"You know." Raven moved her hands lasciviously as if holding onto an invisible girl's head, thrusting her hips forward obscenely. "If I'm wearing it?"

"Jesus Raven." Clarke's scowled in mock annoyance. "I think it probably like, hits you in the right spot and it's more like, emotional, I guess."

"So you've _done_ it?" The grinning brunette tuned on her, eyes alight with interest.

"No," she groaned, rolling her eyes. Raven was insufferable. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"I was just curious and I thought that maybe you'd know." Raven looked at her pointedly, raising an exquisitely manicured brow. "You know?"

"Why would I know?" Indeed, why would she? She'd never been remotely interested in stuff like that until Lexa.

Raven sighed as if she were a kindly nurse giving a necessary, but painful shot to a small child. "In the future Clarke, I'd encourage you to exercise more discretion when shopping on your phone in a public place next time."

"Raven it wasn't public, it was just me and you in that room!" Clarke punched her in the thigh. "You jerk!"

"I personally liked the one with the purple sparkles," Raven said through fits of giggles.

Clarke gave her both middle fingers.

"What?" Raven continued, clearly enjoying herself. "Lexa wasn't worth the few extra bucks to get her g-spot stimulated?"

Clarke shrieked, briefly putting her hands up over her now burning cheeks.

"Oh my god. You're such a _dick_!"

"That's purple sparkle dick to you, sweetie." 

* * *

Lexa

Dr. Weisz was a very attractive woman, Lexa guessed to be in her late thirties, with shoulder length, dark hair and arresting hazel colored eyes. Lexa couldn't stop staring, the woman was all legs and lashes, with lips that screamed sex. Lexa felt like an asshole but she couldn't help herself, it was like sitting in front of a movie star.

The woman directed Lexa to sit in an oversized armchair opposite hers and waited patiently as Lexa fumbled with her bag and keys. Finally she sat and exhaled loudly as she situated herself.

Dr. Weisz smiled. She seemed very open and kind, it was just hard having to look at someone that attractive. It made Lexa nervous and before she could catch herself, she opened her mouth.

"How are you so beautiful?" Lexa blurted out, much to her own horror.

Dark, amused eyes crinkled up at the corners. "Excuse me?"

Fuck. Lexa felt as if she should just make a break for it - run out the door and never come back. But she didn't. Instead, she opened her mouth again and was uncharacteristically candid.

"I don't know if I can do this with someone who looks like you..." She stumbled over the words, resting her head in both hands now. "It's gonna be too hard."

"Why does what I look like have to be a factor?" Playful  

"It doesn't. I'm sorry. I'm just ... " Lexa didn't finish her sentence. She couldn't - a sudden feeling of shame washed over her. What was wrong with her? Why was she always fucking up - saying and doing the worst things? Here she was now, objectifying this poor woman who was only trying to help her.

Lexa grabbed her bag and rose from the chair. "Look, I'm really sorry and I'll pay you for the hour. I'm an asshole and I really suck with women, apparently."

Dr. Weisz snapped her thumb and forefinger once and motioned for Lexa to sit back down, eyebrows narrowed to illustrate her seriousness. "Sit."

Lexa froze in her tracks. "What?"

"Sit back down, Lexa." Said Dr. Weisz, firmly.

Lexa rolled her eyes dramatically, the way a teenager might when asked to do something particularly unpleasant and shuffled back to the chair. She stood near it, but did not sit. Petulantly crossing her arms, Lexa looked at the bold woman sitting across from her, raising her brows expectantly as if to say, _you have my attention but just barely._

Dr. Weisz smiled but her words were steely. "That's the first and last time I'm going to force you to do anything. If you want to help yourself, I suggest you stay. If not, there's the door." She pointed to it, pausing for emphasis. 

Neither woman spoke.

Lexa swallowed hard and stared at the carpet but didn't make any move to either sit or leave. This woman had successfully called her bluff, both knew it and there was a tense few moments of silence between them. 

Weisz spoke again, seemingly all business but Lexa could hear the warmth in her voice. "And if you stay, I expect you to be honest with me and with yourself—"

Weisz's voice was so calming, Lexa dropped her messenger bag and allowed herself to sink into the chair. 

"—and if my appearance is an issue, I suggest we start with that."

Embarrassment colored Lexa's cheeks. "No, it's fine." She stammered. Yeah, sure this woman was gorgeous and Lexa was attracted to her, who wouldn't be?

Weisz smirked. Therapists were not supposed to do that - Lexa was certain  

"So you don't want to leave anymore?"

Lexa shook her head, indicating a no. 

"What was the problem before?" 

"No problem," Lexa managed, causally swinging her boot clad legs onto the coffee table between them and putting her laced fingers behind her head. Cocky.

Hazel eyes landed on the boots and then upward, to Lexa's defiant green eyes, where they stayed. Lexa did not remove her legs from the table. 

After they had locked eyes for about 10 seconds, Dr. Weisz smoothed her skirt, uncrossed her legs and rose from her chair. She walked to the desk and began sifting through what appeared to be paitent files. Her voice was calm and disinterested, she didn't look up.

"It was nice meeting you, Lexa." Dismissive.

Lexa immediately removed her dirty boots from the table and sat up straight.

"Excuse me?"

Weisz's gaze met hers briefly - her displeasure clear as day: she had demanded honesty and Lexa had done what she usually did - she evaded. 

"The problem was," Lexa exhaled dramatically while allowing her head to fall back against the chair so she was looking at the ceiling. "You're hard to look at." 

God Lexa sucked with women.

Weisz scowled and played at being hurt. "Why is that?"

Lexa pretended to study the ceiling. "I don't know."  

"Are you attracted to me?"

Fuck, this woman was direct. Jesus, talk about being in the hot seat. It wasn't that warm in LA, but damn it was getting hot in that little room. 

"I don't know. Yes. Fuck, I don't know." Lexa wiped her sweaty hands on her ripped jeans and exhaled loudly through her mouth, hunting for a safe place to focus her eyes. "God I'm sorry, maybe I should just go" 

Weisz came and sat back down. "You know what I think?" 

Lexa shook her head. 

"I think this is simply another way for you to avoid dealing with your issues."

"What is?"

"You're focusing on something external - my looks, instead of facing what you need to face."

Lexa's lip began to tremble. 

"Is that something that sounds familiar to you?" 

Lexa nodded while trying to control her breathing. 

Weisz leaned across the table and placed her hand on the bare knee poking through Lexa's jeans. "Hey," she said, unbelievably gentle. "I'll do whatever I can to help you, but you need to be in this with me."

She squeezed Lexa's knee as if to say: _I'm not going anywhere._

At the realization of being seen and understood, Lexa's tough shell began to crack. She hated it, but through the hard prick of tears, she opened up and told Weisz everything. Her alcoholic mother, her father's sudden death, Cass, the pills, the self harm, Anya, Clarke .... With a handful of wet, crumpled up tissues in her lap, Lexa told her everything. More than she had told even Anya.

Lexa been able to stay for two back-to-back sessions. She'd had no idea how much she'd kept inside over the past few years - over a lifetime, really - and it all just came tumbling out. She'd essentially vomited her entire life all over this stunning lady doctor's Louboutins, and somehow, Lexa didn't break and the woman didn't either. She left there exhausted but intact and with another appointment for that Friday.

* * *

Clarke had texted numerous times while she'd been in her session. It took all the restraint Lexa possessed not to text back, but she hadn't. That was rude. But it did prompt her to explain everything about Clarke and their relationship thus far. It went against Lexa's stoic and closed nature to open up so fully, but therapists were bound by confidentiality, and since she was being honest - she'd trusted the woman right away. Despite her freakishly gorgeous appearance.

After she had explained all about her history with Cass and then her new relationship with Clarke, Weisz said something that gave Lexa serious pause. It was about expectations -- and rushing into all of this so quickly. Weisz seemed to think Lexa was maybe flirting with disaster, given her past and that she and Clarke both were potentially setting themselves up for heartbreak. She urged Lexa to be cautious and let it drop. 

In the elevator, she pulled her phone out and smiled hugely, Clarke had been a busy girl - sending a topless selfie and numerous gifs and pics leaving no doubt about her desires. Clarke's impatience was sexy as fuck.

Lexa grinned, feeling that delicious high and thinking of all the ways in which she'd keep Clarke on the edge of her desire. Prolonging her pleasure, making her beg. She shuddered at the thought - her flesh prickling with excitement, Clarke's newly admitted desire to be submissive ignited a fire within Lexa she was sure would burn her alive. Yet somewhere in the back of her mind there existed that small grain of worry - were they jumping into this too fast? She barricaded that tiny thought into the furthest corner of her mind as she dialed Clarke's number and as soon as she heard Clarke's voice, it was as if it never existed. 

Clarke answered on the second ring. "Hey baby."

Upon hearing the blonde's lusty purr, endorphins flooded Lexa's brain and body as she walked through the underground car park. God, she was in deep and she just didn't give a shit. All she wanted at that moment was to drown in an ocean of Clarke. Nothing else mattered.

"Hi," she purred back. Just then she was startled by a loud car horn and screeching tires. A midnight blue Maserati Quattroporte GTS slammed on it's brakes, narrowly missing Lexa's legs by less than a meter.

She instinctively went to raise her middle finger at the idiot driver, but when she glanced at the operator of the absurdly expensive machine, all the color left her face. It was Dr. Weisz. Their eyes locked momentarily - Weisz looked annoyed. Lexa put her hand over the phone and mouthed a sincere apology as the woman deftly maneuvered the car around her and was gone.

Lexa laughed out loud - maybe therapy _would_ kill her after all.


	33. Period.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For you.

* * *

Clarke

From the sound of things, Lexa had nearly gotten herself killed. Clarke had heard the brakes and the horn - now Lexa sounded like she was laughing.

"Lexa?" Clarke's voice was panicked. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah," came a shaky voice.

"What happened?"

"I almost got run over."

"Jesus, babe. Where are you?"

Lexa quickly noted the time on her phone. She'd been with Weisz for over two hours. Shit, this really wasn't something she wanted to share with Clarke, so she didn't.

"I'm walking to my car. Can I call you when I get home?"

* * *

They spent the evening as they had the previous night - on the phone while hot and heavy words passed between them in the dark. They tried other topics besides sex, but even Lexa's breathing made Clarke ache -- it was too hard to resist.

Lexa wasn't capable of resistance either, as she expertly commanded Clarke to touch herself - detailing where and how. She kept her on the edge of an orgasm for the better part of an hour, ordering Clarke to stop the second before she came. It was maddening. It was addicting. It was fuckign incredible. Lexa made her feel so much. They talked and laughed and Clarke came probably about eleven times. They had lost count somewhere between seven and nine.

After the last mind blowingly awesome orgasm, Clarke glanced at her phone. 

**5:43:07**

Almost six hours and it felt like no time had really passed at all. 

Clarke took a long gulp of water. She'd been touching herself the way Lexa ordered for probably over an hour, and fuck she was tired. Her equilibrium was off and there was a faint ringing sound in her ears.

"Again," Lexa demanded. 

"Again?"" She protested, whiny and breathy.

"Are you saying no to me, baby girl?"

Fuck. When she put it _that_ way, how could Clarke refuse? 

"No daddy." She whined, loving the sharp intake of breath those words provoked in Lexa. 

They both groaned and Clarke slid her fingers into her wetness once again, loving the feeling of being under Lexa's thumb. Clarke never allowed anyone to take the lead, and the fact that she was allowing herself to be controlled by Lexa made the sharp thrum of new arosal grow even stronger in her belly.

Clarke's breath quickened as she stroked her clit the way Lexa told her to. 

"Up and down, and _slow_ baby." Lexa exhaled and what she said next almost drove Clarke insane.   

"Be a good girl and say my name when you come this time." 

 _Fuck_. 

* * *

The next day and a half was a blur, Clarke and Raven had end of season obligations to attend and that was always stressful,  but what really had Clarke's head spinning was the thought that, in less than 12 hours, she would be seeing Lexa. A surprise, in-person visit that Clarke felt rather shitty about engineering, but her nerves were too frazzled at the moment and telling Lexa of her impending arrival would only add more stress. There was no sense in both of them worrying themselves sick - Clarke was more than capable of stressing out all on her own. 

And she was: stressing. She had been intimate with Lexa before, yes, but that did nothing to quell the roiling of Clarke's stomach when she imagined walking up to Lexa's doorway tonight.

It had been decided thanks to Anya and Raven, that she and Raven would 'drop by' the house that evening under the pretense that they were let go early. It was a lame plan, if one could even call it that, but Clarke figured that after Lexa saw her, it wouldn't be much of an issue. 

No, it wasn't Lexa's reaction to her arrival that made Clarke feel as if she might vomit, it was this new dynamic between them. In less than a week they had gone from sort of friends to friends to lovers... to broken up, to _I love you_ , to back together to fuck-me-daddy. 

The absurdity of it all made Clarke laugh. On paper, it did look crazy - she and Lexa; how could they possibly work after all they'd put each other through? After how different they both were? What was she thinking? 

But as soon as the doubts came, they were quickly eclipsed by the all-over tingling warmth Clarke could feel as soon as she remembered Lexa's voice - her easy laughter and so many other things that made her heart jump in her chest. Maybe it was crazy, but Clarke was sure of one thing - Lexa was _it_. Period.

There had never been anyone in Clarke's life who moved her as much as Lexa Woods did. No one had even come close. And it wasn't simply their sexual chemistry. There was really no way to describe it without clichés, but with Lexa, Clarke felt as if she didn't have to be anything other than herself. Something that was simultaneously amazing and terrifying to Clarke. Amazing for obvious reasons, terrifying because it brought out aspects of Clarke's psyche she wasn't certain how to deal with - specifically surrounding sex. 

Thpughts and images swierled through Clarke's mind. Lust, surrender and even sometimes violence - coursed through her skull these days like a storm. Primal urges seemed to develop in her all at once - she wanted Lexa to fucking impregnate her. The thoughts seemed absurd to Clarke - yet there they were, cropping up again and again: Lexa taking her from behind like an animal. On all fours, growling into her ear, teeth sharp at her neck, filling her with ...

" _Clarke_!" Raven whispered sharply, elbowing her in the ribs. 

Oh shit. She quickly signed her name in black sharpie on the glossy 8x10 headshot and handed it back to the scrawny teenage boy standing in front of her. She and some of the cast members had been signing autographs for the locals. They should be wrapping it up soon, their flight would leave in 4 hours. 

* * *

Lexa 

She slept in late for once, past ten. It was good to catch up on a little sleep given that she and Clarke were now staying up into the wee hours of the morning talking. And yes, much of that talking revolved around sex. There was no way around it - their chemistry was off the charts and together they felt like a fucking hurricane. She felt a surge of desire tear through her pelvis and up her chest and into her arms. There was a power in that feeling - it felt like pure adrenaline singing in her veins. Lexa's urge to _take_ Clarke, to mark her and claim her was becoming greater by the second. She went to text Clarke but resisted the urge. Clarke was working and there would be plenty of time for that later. She grabbed a box of cereal, a large bowl, a spoon and a gallon of milk and shuffled back to her room. 

* * *

She awoke hours later, well into the afternoon. Apparently Anya had been around to check up on her because all remnants of her breakfast had vanished. She briefly felt guilty about the milk - fresh dairy products ain't no joke. 

She looked at her phone. Surprisingly, only two messages from Clarke. 

 **Clarke [02:08]** : Hi baby, I miss you

 **Clarke [02:55]** :  Lexa, I am so in love with you 

That last one hit her hard in the chest and she made stupid faces at the ceiling until her eyes were clear. 

 **LW [04:12]** : I love you

 **LW [04:12]** : I'm gonna go get my car washed and run errands xxx

She threw on a pair of holy jeans, slipped into her moto boots and a long sleeved, tight grey thermal. She put her hair up into a ponytail and hooked her sunglasses on her collar. 

"Hey," Anya grabbed her by the arm as she was slipping out the front door. "Where are you going?"

"What, am I under house arrest or something?" 

Anya rolled her eyes. "Just be home for dinner, ok?" 

Lexa stopped in her tracks. Anya was acting strange and this sounded weird. 

"Why?" She asked skeptically, taking a step backwards. 

Anya's eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Can I not cook for us?"

Anya did cook for them sometimes, just not since they'd been back; now Lexa felt like a jerk . "Of course, yeah, I'll be here. Do you need me to pick anything up?" 

Anya went to ruffle Lexa's hair, something she disliked but allowed momentarily due to the rare smile on her cousin's face. 

"Nope. Just your ugly mug." She pretended to push Lexa out the door, Lexa resisted by holding onto the door frame, but Anya was sneaky. A tickling match quickly ensued that had Lexa running for her car in fits of giggles. 

"Be home by seven!" Anya shouted as Lexa got into the car. 

"Yeah yeah," she muttered, trying to conceal her grin. Turning the key and hearing the V8 engine hum to life was one of the sweetest pleasures Lexa knew. She smiled to herself, today was gonna be good.

* * *

Clarke 

LAX was always a pain in the ass. For the five years Clarke had lived in the States, Los Angeles International Airport had always proven to be a fucking nightmare: it was always under some type of construction and the terminals were confusing and never in the same place. But none of that mattered right now. Now she was home.

And she would see Lexa.

To say Clarke was nervous would be an understatement. Her hands shook, her heart raced and she felt as if she might be sick. The sheer amount of emotions she was experiencing all at once short circuited her brain so much that she truly behaved like a blonde. She wasn't paying attention again: there was a scuffle and yep, she tripped another passenger. Just like she had hours earlier in Canada. 

"Dude," Raven admonished, yanking the handle of Clarke's upturned suitcase out of her own feeble hands and rolling it expertly behind her. "Let me get this. You're about as useless as a 4 year old right now." 

"I'm sorry." Clarke ambled along behind the brunette, who not only had two pieces of carry-on, but both of their suitcases as well. She was having a better time of maneuvering in and out of the crowd. Clarke had to jog to keep up with her.

They were at the rental car desk now. It was nearly 5 o'clock. They would have time to go back to Clarke's place, shower and get ready all in less than two hours. It was doable for sure, but Clarke wanted to spend more time getting ready and didn't want to feel rushed. They had only ever seen each other while working, which meant, Lexa hadn't really ever seen Clarke in anything but minimal makeup and on-location attire. 

Shit. It hadnt occurred to her: what was she gonna wear? A bright idea presented itself: they could go shopping. She could cancel or postpone with Anya and she would have the rest of the day and tomorrow to get her hair done, her nails done and to buy something sexy.

And lingerie. Shit, she hadn't thought about that. 

Clarke's brain was racing again. This nervousness was making her mind crazy. There was no way she could wait any longer to see Lexa and despite the constant nagging of her inner voice to make certain she looked gorgeous and shaved in all the right places - she knew she could be herself with Lexa. That she didn't have to package herself for sale. She didn't need to do or be anything other than what she was. She knew that. She knew Lexa desired her and was attracted to her not simply because of her ass or her boobs or her eyes or her accent. She felt it in those late night conversations - the way Lexa could read her, they way she paid attention to the little things Clarke said and asked about them later. 

It was those phone conversations that really cemented it for Clarke. A week ago she knew she loved Lexa and she was fairly certain Lexa loved her too but she realized now, that thing she called love was just a feeling about a feeling. The way she felt in Lexa's presence, the tightness in her chest when she thought about her. 

The distance between them had been a blessing. It allowed them to spend a lot of time getting to know one another without having the sweet distraction of wanting to have sex every 30 minutes. They still managed it on the phone, of course, but in between there was a lot of laughter and even some tears as they told each other things they had never shared with anyone else. Their intimacy and closeness had grown by leaps and bounds, which is maybe why this daddy thing kept coming up. 

Clarke was a little freaked out about it. She didn't want to have sex with her own father (whom she had never called daddy, btw), nor did she want to dress up in diapers or suck on a pacifier, but something about the term, the way it made her feel - it was something she desperately wanted. Needed even, and Lexa had brought that to the surface. Now that it was there, it was hard to ignore. 

She kept wanting to try to explain this to Lexa, but every time she tried they either ended up having phone sex or Clarke lost her words and gave up. By calling Lexa daddy and by allowing her to take the lead sexually, Clarke's deeply hidden submissive side was revealed. She had never been a pushover, and had always been dominant and somewhat aggressive in her personal and professional life. She'd always had great self confidence and she didn't need someone to save her, but for Clarke, calling Lexa daddy meant: I want you to take control right now because I trust you. I submit to you because you make me feel safe and loved. I'm on my knees because there is nothing I'll hold back from you and there is no place I won't let you take me.

If that sounds like some heavy shit, it's because it was. Clarke felt like a completely different person. 

* * *

Lexa 

She got her car washed then drove down to the beach in Santa Monica. There were too many people and it was noisy at the entrance, so she took off her boots and holding them in one hand, walked in the surf down the shore until she could no longer hear anything but the waves and the cries of sea birds. It was a pleasantly warm day, about 70 degrees Fahrenheit or 25 for you Celsius people, but not hot. She found a clean spot on the sand next to a large piece of driftwood and sat down, loving the feel of the warm sand under her bare feet. 

Southern California really was beautiful. Looking out onto the sparkling blue/green water, she reached for her phone to snap a picture for Clarke but found that she'd left it in the car. No matter, Clarke knew what the ocean looked like out here - it was just the feeling Lexa wanted to capture. She smiled thinking about that feeling and laid her head on her boots. It's was so nice in the sun and the quiet like this - she'd just close her eyes for a few minutes. 

* * *

Anya

Lexa's phone kept going to voicemail and she wasn't answering any of her texts.

Anya hadn't cooked - it had been a lie to ensure that Lexa came home. Now it was 8:30, Raven was hungry, Anya was worried and Clarke Griffin had polished off an entire bottle of wine and was now sitting on the living room sofa with the cat. 

"Try her again." Raven whispered. They were in the kitchen, speaking in soft, worried voices. 

"I did." Anya rubbed her forehead and pointed to the phone. This was not at all how she envisioned their evening going. 

"Well," Raven ran a palm over Anya's shoulders, expertly squeezing the tight spots. "Do you think it's time we called the emergency rooms?"

Fuck. Anya didn't want to consider the possibility. 

Just then headlights poured into the kitchen window. Lexa had pulled into the driveway. Anya felt like she could breathe again. Neither of them said anything as Lexa entered. 

"I'm sorry," she called. "I fell asleep and my phone died, whose jeep is that?"

* * *

Lexa

As Lexa turned the corner into the kitchen, her eyes landed on Raven Reyes. 

She didn't have time to sort out the possibilities - her brain didn't seem to want to function at the moment. She took a sip of the coffee she'd grabbed on the way home. And that's when she saw Clarke sitting in her living room. 

Clarke was here. Clarke with her smoky eye makeup and rouge tinged lips. Lexa couldn't breathe. 

She laughed nervously into her cup. "What are you doing here?" She was sure her face must be deep red.

Clarke got up from the sofa and stepped into the kitchen, a counter separating them. She leaned on the countertop with her chin down, keeping her head low, she tilted her eyes upward and trained them on Lexa.

They looked at each other. Clarke smiled - Lexa grinned, dropped her bag and grabbed Clarke's wrist, leading her down the hallway towards her room. She used her hands and body to guide the blonde into the dark bedroom, then closed the door behind them. She reached for the lamp but a hand grabbed hers.

"Leave it," Clarke whispered, pulling her hard by the arm, away from the lamp and into the wall which made a soft thud. Lexa felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. 

"Clarke, what are you doing here?" Lexa whispered. 

Her arms instantly encircled Clarke's waist and she tried to pull her into a kiss, but the blonde resisted and laughed gently, pulling out of the way. "You're late." She said, teasing her thumb over Lexa's cheek. Her voice was husky, more so than usual and Lexa loved it.

The moonlight filtering through the curtains was bright enough to see that the blonde's eyes were dark with lust. At the realization, electricity instantly flooded Lexa's belly and chest as she felt the thrum of arousal course through her veins. Giving what they'd talked about over the past few days, she had no idea where Clarke was gonna take them tonight. She only knew that it would be exciting.

She pressed her fingers deeply into the flesh of Clarke's hips. The blonde yelped as Lexa gripped her harder, pulling her closer and into a bent thigh, hitting her in just the right spot. Clarke groaned at the contact and leaned her head back, exposing her throat.

All rational thought left lexa in that moment. She gripped Clarke's hips and lifted her onto her own body, Clarke instinctively wrapped her legs around her as their mouths met in a soul searing kiss. Lexa carried Clarke to the bed, roughly landing on top of her. She wanted to devour Clarke, she needed more than just her mouth. 

Reaching a hand between them, Lexa thrusted it down the front of Clarke's jeans, her whole hand covering the blonde's sex while slowly slipping only a finger inside. She was not prepared for how wet Clarke was or how she cried out the moment Lexa slipped inside. 

Clarke is panting at this point, rocking her hips forward and back, trying to get more of Lexa's hand inside her. Her movements becoming more desperate the longer Lexa's tongue is in her mouth. 

"Baby," moaned the blonde.

"What?" Lexa purred, purposely not moving her hand at all - wanting to see how much she could tease before Clarke lost it completely, and not feeling very far behind herself. 

"Baby," Clarke exhaled her need into Lexa's mouth, canting her hips back and forth. Lexa watched her eyes roll back into her head.

"What's the matter, Clarke?" She whispered throatily into the blonde's ear, knowing full well what the _matter_ was. 

Clarke didn't answer but continued to whimper against Lexa's open mouth, aching for more of her hand. She grabbed Lexa's wrist and tried to force her to move faster while simultaneously bucking her hips forward. 

Lexa obliged her for a moment and thrust three fingers in up to the hilt without any warning whatsoever. Clarke's sharp gasp was overshadowed by the pounding on the door. 

Fuck. Lexa rolled off Clarke, straightened her hair and opened the door. There stood a very pissed off looking Anya in a slinky robe that was definitely not her usual evening attire. She held a large open box in her hand. 

"What?"

Anya pointed to an identical cardboard box siting on Lexa's desk. 

"What?"

Anya strode into the room, handed the open package to a dumbfounded Lexa, picked up the other box from the table and promptly left. 

Lexa was confused, she rummaged around in the box and came up with a harness and a strap on. She looked over at Clarke who was beet red. 

Lexa put up her hands in defense. "Clarke I'm sorry, I don't know anything about this." 

Clarke hid her head in the pillows. Lexa began to put two and two together. 

"Baby?"

No answer.

"Clarke?"

As the blonde buried her head deeper into the pillow - understanding began to creep into Lexa's eyes.

She grabbed the dildo and harness again - a smirk began to play at her lips.

"Are you embarrassed, Clarke?" She softly teased, knowing full well what the answer was. 

Clarke's head nodded yes, but she still would not look up. 

"I'm sorry, baby," Lexa soothed, running a hand over Clarke's back. "But can I ask you something?"

The head nodded.

Lexa smirked like an asshole before she spoke. "Are you too embarrassed to suck daddy's dick?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe if you leave nice comments, I'll write faster this time.   
> Haha. I'm an extortionist.   
> xxx


	34. Everywhere. Now. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chap while I'm working on the next.  
> xxx

Clarke

"Oh my god!" She screamed into the pillow that smelled deliciously of Lexa's hair. She could practically _feel_ Lexa's eyes heavy upon her. Was it possible to actually die of embarrassment? Yes, she had sent the sex toys, but was in no way confident about it. In fact, about three hours after she had placed the order, she'd called the company in a panic, trying to cancel. Of course it had been futile - she'd chosen expedited shipping - it had already been dispatched.

"Clarke," Lexa laughed softly. "I was kidding." 

She burrowed her face further, absolutely mortified. Not only had Lexa seen what Clarke had ordered, but Anya had as well. And in real life, in Lexa's goddamn bedroom, it felt a lot less comfortable than it had online. Clarke wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look at Lexa or her cousin in the eye again. Her face was hot and she couldn't really breathe, but she stayed lying face down on Lexa's bed, unwilling to risk further humiliation. 

She heard Lexa put the box down and felt her lie next her, gently curling herself around Clarke who shifted just enough to allow herself to be spooned from behind, Lexa's arms encircling her tightly. 

After they had lain there for maybe five minutes, Lexa's breathing became so slow and even, that Clarke thought she may have fallen asleep.

But Lexa wasn't asleep, her palm began to roam over Clarke's hip again while whispering warm and breathy into the blonde's ear. "I like what you got us, baby." 

Clarke smiled into the pillow, groaning an unintelligible obscenity. Hearing Lexa's voice and feeling hot breath tickling the ultra sensitive lobe of her ear, she moaned again - arching her back, pressing into the warm body behind her. 

Lexa ran a gentle, soothing palm over Clarke's hip. "Looks like you were busy."

"Mm hmm," she hummed softly. 

She continued gently caressing the curve of Clarke's hip and down the expanse of her leg. Over and over again. 

Lexa's touch was soothing, but her voice held a playful edge. "How did I get so lucky to find such a smart, dirty minded girl?"

"I don't know." She teased back. "How _did_ you?"

Lexa's voice dropped about 5 octaves. "And you thought you'd be clever and surpise me, is that it?" Fingertips dug hard into her hip. 

Clarke swallowed hard, her heart starting to pound. "Yes."

"And why was that?" 

Lexa's voice was stern and the question hit Clarke full force. Insecurity hit her momentarily; was Lexa kidding or was she mad? She shifted quickly, trying to roll over, but Lexa's arm held her where she was.

"Lexa, I—" She struggled to turn around and face Lexa once again, but a leg was thrown over her thigh, making it impossible to move. She stopped struggling, laying limp in the brunette's grasp. "I didn't know she would—" 

"Baby—." 

"—I'm so sorry."Clarke felt like such an idiot, she really shouldn't have done such a thing. She groaned and put her hands over her face.

Both of Lexa's arms encircled her now, holding her close and tight. "Shh, baby. I'm teasing."

Clarke sniffled into the pillow. "I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position with your cousin."

Lexa began to softly kiss the back of her neck. "It's not gonna be awkward for me, baby." She gently bit down which sent white hot bolts of lighting through Clarke's body. 

Lexa suddenly forced Clarke onto her back, rolling on top of her and straddling her legs on each side of the blonde's body.

"It's gonna be awkward for _you_." Lexa mused, grinning down at her. 

"And why is that?" Clarke purred, gazing up at the tousled haired beauty on top of her. 

Lexa laced their fingers together, forcing both of Clarke's hands above her head, pinning them there. She bent down, hovering her mouth only inches away from Clarke's.

"Cause now she knows exactly what you want me to do to you."  

"You asshole!" Clarke hissed. She struggled but was no match for Lexa's strength. She squirmed and fought, but Lexa wouldn't let her arms go, nor would she allow their lips to meet despite Clarke's arching upward. 

"Kiss me," she demanded breathlessly. 

"Say please," Lexa teased, 

" _Please_ baby," she whined. "Kiss me." 

Lexa descended upon her like a fury. Mouth, hands, fingers, lips, tongues and bodies came to life. When Clarke's legs wrapped tightly around the lithe body on top of her, her brain almost short circuited. She lifted her body up off the mattress, arching her back upwards while Lexa kissed and licked deep into her mouth. Relentlessly. And then she began to use her fingers. Oh my god. When Lexa slid two fingers in her mouth while she kissed her, Clarke felt like she was going to die right then and there. 

She jerked her wrists free and began roaming everywhere all at once. Lexa's back, her shoulders, tangled in her hair... frantic and needy, she grasped and clawed at skin and clothing, using her fingernails like a wild animal. Those deep, seemingly endless kisses and the way Lexa's body felt, solid and heavy on top of hers drove Clarke practically insane. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't speak - all she wanted was Lexa inside her. Everywhere. Now. Forever. 

When Lexa easily captured her wrists again, Clarke began thrashing her head from side to side in frustration.  She was practically unable to move as Lexa kissed her into a frenzy while pinning her roughly to the bed. She struggled against the body on top of her, bucking her hips upward in an effort to gain control, but it was futile. She felf trapped, unable to break the kiss and like she was quickly running out of oxygen. She jerked her head to one side, disengaged her lips and immediately sucked in a hungry mouthful of air.

Lexa quickly readjusted her grip,  long fingers allowing her to secure both of Clarke's wrists with only one hand. The other, she used to tilt the blonde's head back, keeping her jaw open to receive her tongue. Deep and long, she licked possessively into Clarke's mouth. Driving fast, deep and hard but pulling back every time Clarke moved forward to take control of the kiss, keeping her deliciously off balance. 

Clarke began to whine, shudder and shake. She was losing control - all she could do was lay there helpeless as Lexa's hot mouth invaded hers. Hard and fast and unpredictable and all consuming. These were unlike any of their previous kisses - there was an urgency and ownership that Clarke could feel as Lexa devoured her mouth, lips and tongue- ravenously and seemingly without end. Suddenly Clarke felt her muscles began to loosen, felt her shoulders relax - she realised she had stopped struggling. 

Lexa's mouth began to migrate lower - her lips gently gliding across Clarke's cheek, her chin... oh god, her ear, and down now, to that sweet, sensitive spot where neck meets shoulder. Lexa had released her hands, and had began stroking Clarke's eyebrow with a soft fingertip. Clarke shuddered uncontrollably, her skin erupting in goosebumps. Lexa's hot breath against her neck sent shivers up her spine. Ar the first swipe of Lexa's wet tongue, Clarke began to pant as if she'd run up ten flights of stairs.

Lexa moved her hand into the hair at the nape of Clarke's neck, yanking it back firmly. Moaning, Clakre obliged immediately, letting her head fall back to allow Lexa full access to her throat. She was waiting for it, had been thinking about it - but she had been in no way ready for the feeling of Lexa's teeth at the sensitive skin of her neck. 

She cried out sharply at the pain - loving the delicious bolts of lightning the feeling sent straight between her legs. 

"I love you," she called out, hoarse and desperate.

When those teeth bit down again, Clarke lost it. She groaned loudly, raking her fingernails across the thin material of Lexa's shirt - feeling the edges dig in, knowing it would sting. 

"I love you," she cried again, tears falling unselfconsciously onto burning cheeks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For you, as if there was ever any question^^


	35. Traffic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (CM)

* * *

Lexa

She groaned as the coppery taste of blood filled her mouth, making her pulse pound in her ears and fueling a desire that was soon growing out of control. As Clarke struggled underneath her, Lexa captured both of her wrists, forcing them deeper and harder into the mattress, growling loudly into the blonde's ear. 

"You're _mine_." The force of the declaration surprising them both. Clarke stopped fighting and went limp, looking up with wide, startled eyes. 

Lexa had thought those words, but saying them out loud practically lit her on fire. She didn't know how to handle the sudden possessiveness Clarke provoked in her and felt her resolve, taut as a tightrope, begin to unravel. Her control was slipping and there was so much energy in her body, she briefly worried she might hurt Clarke. She was further confused and surprised when she became instantly wet at the thought. She pulled back, dazed by the implication only you be confronted by a visual that felt like a punch to the stomach. 

A single trail of dark crimson dripped it's way from the wound at Clarke's neck, disappearing beneath the collar of her shirt.

"Oh my god," Lexa gasped, sitting back onto the bed, putting both hands over her mouth in horror at what she'd done, feeling extremely guilty and aroused at the same time. 

Clarke reached up and grabbed her by the neck, pulling her body down on top of her own. Throwing her arms tight around Lexa's neck, she pressed their lips together. 

'You didn't hurt me." Clarke slipped her tongue into Lexa's mouth, the wine on her breath mixing with the metallic taste of blood turning her on despite how badly she felt for hurting Clarke yet again. 

"I'm so sorry." She whispered into the blonde's mouth, feeling like a monster. 

"Shh." Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand and guided it to the waist of her jeans. 

With shaky fingers, Lexa undid the top button of the exceptionally tight jeans, then leaning back on her heels, she slid the fabric down her legs and then finally off.

Seeing Clarke laid on the bed in those insanely sexy panties and with the taste of blood on her lips  - Lexa suddenly couldn't breathe - the room began to spin.

Shit. Taking in small sips of air through pursed lips, she struggled to maintain composure as her head began to unravel.

Ok, she was having a panic attack. No big deal, she just had to breathe. 

"The shirt too," She mumbled quietly, figuring it would buy her some time as she was unable to move for the moment.

With eyes trained on her, Clarke moved her fingers to the top closure of her blouse, slipping under the yoke, teasing at the button.

"Is _this_ what you want?" She asked throatily, raising an eyebrow, looking directly at her. A look that sent shock waves rippling through Lexa's entire body. 

"Yes," she answered thickly and with labored breath, lust beginning to win out over anxiety, she felt it like fire in her veins. 

"Then come here and help me." The blonde teased with a sly smirk, before adding. "Unless your hands are shaking too badly?"

Her voice was like liquid silk, it did things to Lexa who was already feeling very off balance.

"They're not shaking."

But they were - they both knew it

Without waiting for a response, Clarke carefully began undoing the buttons of her shirt. One by one, as if in slow motion. Lexa became mesmerized and could only watch helpless as every last button on that shirt was undone.

Clarke reached in and expertly undid the front clasp of her bra with one hand, smirking as she did so. She moaned softly as both hands began to caress her breasts which were mostly covered by the shirt. Lexa could see Clarke's thumbs moving over erect nipples and felt the breath catch in her throat.

Her senses were on overload - having Clarke here, in her bed and almost naked when she hadn't even had time to mentally prepare was fucking amazing, but it _had_ caught her off guard. She felt drunk and desperate for air, and as much as she wanted to dominate and own Clarke, she had to admit, she was feeling like less of a lion and more like a lamb in this moment. And Clarke seemed to know it, because she took the initiative.

"These too, baby?" She hooked a finger around the black lace fabric of her barely there panties, looking to Lexa for confirmation who could only manage a helpless nod.

Clarke carefully and deliberately raised her hips before sliding the fancy material down her legs and slowly peeling her panties off.

When Clarke pressed the waded up pair of panties into her palm, Lexa felt as if she might lose consciousness right then and there. She could feel how damp they were - and oh fuck, Clarke's desire smelled so fucking sweet.

Sudden waves of emotion hit Lexa all at once - love, desire, worry. The enormity of it all - their relationship, it's newness, all the obstacles they'd eventually have to face. Her mind began to race as she fought to get a breath.

* * *

Clarke

She immediately grabbed Lexa's hand, trying to ground her. Something was wrong, Clarke could see it plain as day and briefly wondered if she should fetch Anya  

"Baby," she whispered, soothing her thumb over Lexa's knuckles  

Lexa's eyes were wide and unfocused, she wouldn't meet Clarke's gaze.

"Lexa?" 

Clarke kneeled on the bed, naked save for an open shirt that wasnt covering much. Putting her hands on both of Lexa's shoulders, she unsuccessfully tried to catch the brunette's eye, but it was no use: she seemed to be somewhere else.

When Clarke moved a hand to her knee, Lexa gasped out loud, acting startled like a wounded animal. 

Undeterred, Clarke gently pushed Lexa onto her side into a laying position, settling herself into curve against her back, she wrapped both arms tightly around her. She could feel Lexa trying to control her breathing - taking in small, measured breaths but it didn't seem to help because she soon began to hyperventilate. 

When Lexa began to shake, Clarke ungracefully maneuvered them both under the blankets, then curling herself around Lexa's warm body once again, threw an arm tight around her waist.

After Clarke had rocked her back and forth for about a half hour, Lexa began to settle down, and to the sound of Clarke's "in," to the count of five, and "out" to the count of seven, she eventually succumbed to sleep nestled in Clarke's arms.

* * *

Lexa 

Holy mother of fuck. 

Anya was knocking on the door - quietly, but to Lexa who had a massive headache, it might as well have been pounding. 

She quickly got out of bed, not wanting to wake Clarke. 

"What?!" She snapped angrily but quietly as she opened the door to an extremely annoyed Anya.

"Don't you have an _appointment?_ " Anya seethed, not looking too happy to be out of bed herself. 

Fuck, she did. Dr. Weisz in 16 minutes. Shit. She covered her face with her hands and then looked at Anya pleadingly, while sticking her lip out into a pout. Anya was having none of it and shook her head adamantly. There was no way in hell her cousin was going to let her cancel. 

"Fine." She whisipered, closing the door quietly and turning to face the sleeping figure.

Seeing Clarke there, naked - in her bed - with her hair all over the place in the soft, golden glow of morning, all her feelings for this girl flooded her body all at once.

Yeah, she had choked last night but it wasnt a big deal. She had been caught off guard and Clarke, she was pretty sure, had been drunk from all that wine. No, there wasn't anything to worry about, she quickly concluded and couldn't stop grinning while she threw on pants and a hoodie as quietly as she could. 

"Hey." Clarke's voice was thick with sleep - it turned Lexa's blood to fire and made her want to take Clarke right then and there. 

Resisting the urge, she knelt by the bed. 

"Hey," she whispered, grazing her lips across Clarke's forehead. "Stay asleep, I'll be back in an hour." 

Furrowing her brow, Clarke looked adorably confused as she tried to pull Lexa down on top of her. 

"No," she pouted as Lexa attempted to escape the death grip the blonde had around her neck. 

"Baby," Lexa laughed, finally wiggling out of her arms. "Stay in bed. I'll bring you breakfast."

Clarke tried to grab for her again, but Lexa was too fast, jumping out of the way easily. 

Letting out an exasperated breath, the blonde gave up and settled her head back against the pillow. "Where are you going?" 

"I have an appointment." She pulled on her boots.

"With that therapist?" 

"Mm hm." She grabbed her wallet and her keys. 

Clarke had rolled over and was now looking at Lexa with her head hanging over the side of the bed. Upside-down - the effect was somewhat disconcerting. 

"What's she like?" Clarke wanted to know. 

"I want you to be here when I get back, ok?" 

"Ok." 

Lexa gave her an upside down peck on the lips - anything more would prove too dangerous. She was gonna be late already. 

"I love you." 

"What's she like?" Clarke pressed. 

"Uh, I don't know." She was at the door now, the way Clarke was looking at her made her nervous. "Pretty non-descript. Stay here, ok?" 

She waited for confirmation that Clarke would stay, then flew out of the house at top speed. Taking side streets, she was able to make it to Dr. Weisz' office in record time. Only five minutes late, she rushed into the waiting room. The door to the office was open, so she stuck her head around the frame. 

"Hey." 

"Hey yourself." Weisz looked at her watch, raising her eyebrows. 

"Sorry." Lexa's hands were sweaty, she wiped them self consciously on her jeans a few times before sitting down. "My alarm didn't go off." It wasn't a lie, but she averted the doctor's eyes anyway. 

"You look as if you haven't slept." It stung like an accusation. 

"I _slept_ ," Lexa snapped, turning her full attention on the woman. 

"Where? In your car?" She tossed the tissue box at Lexa's lap, which hit her knee and bounced loudly to the floor. "You're also bleeding."

Lexa wiped the side of her face and sure enough, it was crusted with blood. Clarke's blood. Oh god, this woman must think she's crazy. Lexa took a deep breath and attempted to explain. 

* * *

 "And what happened the sex toys?" Lexa's explanation of Clarke and the mixed up parcels had both Weisz and herself giggling. 

She didn't know what had happened with the mix up, but when she'd glanced at the box this morning, it _was_ addressed to Anya and not _Lexa_ Woods. There was definitely going to be some kind of story there, and she became nervous thinking about the eventual discussion she was probably going to have to have with Anya about it. 

"I don't know," she laughed, dismissing the topic. 

They both looked at the clock - five more minutes. Lexa took a deep breath. 

Weisz leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, a silence hung heavy between them. Lexa had told her about Clarke's surprise visit but hadn't gone into too much detail about the sex (or lack thereof) last night, she purposely had left that part out. She didn't know how, but she was certain Weisz was gonna ask about it now - and she wasn't wrong. 

"Tell me about the bite, Lexa." The question hit her right in the chest. 

"I told you, it was an accident." She'd had to explain the blood, after all. 

"You sure about that?" Weisz' eyes seemed to be everywhere at once - Lexa couldn't hide from them and as accustomed to lying as she was, she gave herself away and blushed. She then gave herself away even further by the big guilty smile plastered across her face. 

Jesus fuck. She rolled her eyes and then glared at the doctor as if to say, _with five minutes left to go, you want to get into this?_

"What do you wanna know?" She crossed her arms, defensive. 

Now Weisz rolled _her_ eyes. The familiarity between them felt weird but nice. 

"At least tell me it was consensual." 

Weisz had seemed to be teasing but Lexa had taken the bait. 

Her jaw dropped. "Of course it was consensual. My god, I wouldn't  _force_ myself on her!"

But she had. That night in the hotel room - she'd told Dr. Weisz about it. The statement hung in the air. 

The emotions she'd felt the night before, after seeing how badly she'd bitten Clarke, crept up her chest making it hard to breathe. Tilting her head back, she tried to swallow the tears that seemed to come out of absolutely nowhere. 

"Hey." Weisz reached across the table between them, grabbing ahold of Lexa's knee, she spoke softly. "Hey. You're my last client today - why don't you stay a little while longer?"

"I can't." She swallowed thickly, feeling salt sting the back of her throat. "She's in my—" her voice beginning to crack. 

"—bed, I know." Hand still on the knee. "How can I help you if you won't open up to me? You're here now and you're feeling this - try and stay with it. Stay with me." 

There was no fighting the tears now - it wasn't possible to hold them back. Lexa let them fall freely while she spent the next fifty minutes alluding to some of the darkest thoughts she'd ever had. 

She had been purposely vague, but Weisz was relentless in her questioning- like the goddamn cops, and she made it hard for Lexa to evade.

Weisz now had Lexa dead to rights - having dismantled all of her arguments and minimizations, they had arrived at the point of the matter. 

"I'm scared." That much she _would_ admit, and had been doing so for yhe past ten minutes, avoiding giving a name to what she was truly fearful of. 

"Of what, Lexa?"

She looked at the clock. Fuck. She was late. Her phone was in the car. Clarke was in her bed. She did not want to get into this now. Dr. Weisz sucked, Lexa hated her right now. 

"I have to _go_ ," she said through clenched teeth, fiddling with the hole in her jeans that she had made almost twice as large during the time she'd sat here this morning. 

"We've danced around this for almosf two _hours_ , Lexa." Weisz exhaled in annoyance, making Lexa sit up a bit straighter. "Are you that much of a coward?"

Fine. Jesus. 

"I'm afraid," she began, heart racing, knowing this time she was gonna admit it. It was gonna be out there and she wasn't going to be able to take it back. 

"I'm afraid that—" she paused. "I'm going to _hurt_ her." 

"Hurt her how?" 

Lexa's head began to spin. "Hurt her," she repeated. " _Physically_." Her throat was so dry. 

"Why does that scare you, Lexa?" Weisz' voice sounded faraway, like an echo. 

"Because I'm afraid— I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop myself."

There is was, part of it was out there.

"Why not?"

Tears were rolling down her cheeks now as she felt herself crack wide open. "Because it turns me on. I felt it the night we got into a that fight and I — I forced myself — I mean, I wanted to hurt, I wanted to make her— I don't know if I can _control_ myself—"

"—stop talking." Weisz sharply interrupted her and sat back in her chair for a moment, both hands covering her mouth as if in contemplation. She bit on her lower lip before speaking, her voice was forced and calm. 

"Lexa, you know I'm bound by confidentiality rules but I'm also mandated by the state of California to report anyone who might be a threat to themselves or another person. I want you to think very carefully before you answer my next questions, ok?"

Oh great. Lexa nodded. 

"Are you under the influence of alcohol or drugs?" Weisz began reading off of a checklist in the back of her appointment book. 

"No." Lexa looked at her incredulously as she robotically rattled off a few similar questions. 

"Do you live in a safe home environment?" 

Lexa rolled her eyes but stopped as soon as Weisz shot her a look. She immediately understood; Weisz may have been relaxed with her in other ways, but she was all business now. 

"Yes," she answered seriously, deciding compliance would be best at this point. She didn't have anything to base it on, but she  had the sense that she never wanted to be on the wrong side of this woman's temper. She would answer any further questions without complaint and apologize later for putting the woman in the position of even having to ask. She should've kept her mouth shut. 

"Have you thought about taking your own life?"

"No." 

"Do you have any plans to harm yourself of others?" 

"No." 

"Do you have any plans to harm Clarke?"

" _No_."

Weisz closed the book with a soft thud and set it on the table, she leaned back in her chair, rubbing at her temples. "So we're not talking domestic violence here, we're talking bdsm." 

Lexa blushed and wanted to laugh at the term, but yeah - that was pretty accurate. She nodded. 

"You get _pleasure_ from it." 

Lexa nodded again. 

"So." Dr. Weisz narrowed her eyes, looking like she wasn't getting the whole story, which she wasn't. "We're back to our earlier topic: was it consensual?" 

What the fuck? Lexa was becoming annoyed. "Of course it was," she snapped, voice becoming louder. 

"Oh really?" The woman matched her tone and turned up the intensity. "Then you've discussed blood play and the use of power games?" 

What the fuck? Lexa took a moment to look the woman up and down - from her politely crossed ankles to her hips, briefly taking a moment to appreciate her breasts before meeting her gaze again. What did DR. Weisz know about any of this? Lexa's mind began to wander, momentarily wondering what kinds of things the doctor got up to in her spare time. 

"Well?" She looked at Lexa like she was a complete and total moron. 

"No. We haven't." Lexa admitted. "But that doesn't meant she wasn't into it." She felt like a guy using that kind of language and then made herself feel even more sleezy by adding, "she screamed 'I love you' when it happened." 

Oh my god, sometimes Lexa just couldn't help the things that came out of her mouth. She expected a reprimanding look, but was met with eyes full of sincerity. 

"Are you in _love_ with her?"

"Yeah, I mean." Her cheeks burned saying it out loud. "I've never met anyone like her. She's a force, she's a storm — she mixes me all up inside and I feel like I can't breathe." 

"Ok, well you never told me that. Getting information out of you feels like pulling teeth." She shook her head as if Lexa was in trouble, making a "tsk tsk" sound with her lips. 

Lexa stood up. "I gotta go." 

"Next Tuesday same time?" 

Lexa nodded and headed for the door. "Thanks," she said quickly, anxious to leave but also feeling somewhat awkward about the goodbye. 

"Of course." Weisz replied. "But Lexa?" 

She stopped in her tracks. "Yeah?"

"You need to have that conversation with Clarke." 

It was the last thing she wanted to hear right now only because she had been trying to push the same thought out of her own head. 

"I know," she said, giving the doctor a dorky military salute before leaving. 

She got into the elevator that moved way too slow - giving her time to stress. Lexa wasn't sure what she was going to say to Clarke. They were so new - just figuring out who they would be together. How could she explain to Clarke about her past? About desires she'd never anticipated coming up out of nowhere? About her fears of losing control? How was she going to explain all that without sounding like a complete creep?

No, she decided while walking to her car. She and Clarke were gonna be fine - there was no need to worry her. Lexa was solid and would not lose control no matter how much or how well Clarke pushed her buttons, she would keep her head. 

Surprisingly her phone only had three new messages. Two from Clarke, one from Anya - all slightly different variations of _where the fuck are you_? 

She grinned, texting Clarke back about breakfast, although it was nearing noon. She texted back saying they were all three having coffee and waiting for her. Ug, that sounded uncomfortable, especially after the package mixup. When Clarke asked where she'd been all this time, she immediately texted back "traffic."

There was no way she was gonna tell Clarke about Weisz, and certainly not about her new proclivities towards aggression, none of it. Their relationship was too new, she wasn't sure it could bear the strain after having been tested so much already. 

She drove home with a smile on her face, thinking about Clarke Griffin, food and cancelling her appointment with Dr. Weisz next week. 


End file.
